Finding Me

By M. Hope

Finding Me is a compelling true story about a young girl living through sexual and physical abusehow it affected her life and relationships into adulthood and how she eventually found her way out of the darkness and into the light.

Finding Me, although confrontational and dark at times, is about finding your way out of the darkness and no longer being afraid to step into the light. It is about love and forgiveness, not only for others, but for yourselflearning to love, nurture, and respect yourself to become the person you truly deserve to be.

In sharing her story, M. Hope wishes to empower others that have walked the same or similar paths and to show that no matter how dark and heavy things can become, there truly is a light for us at the end of it allif and when we are ready to turn our backs on the darkness and speak our truth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Jan 14, 2013
• ISBN: 9781452508672

M. Hope

M. Hope runs her home business as a practitioner of Reiki, Pellowah, and Light Dynamics. She plans to begin studying her dual diploma in complementary therapies and holistic counselling. She resides in Melbourne, Australia, with her four children.

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Copyright © 2013 M. Hope

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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Balboa Press rev. date: 1/7/2013

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Afterword

For everyone that has suffered from sexual, physical, or mental abuse. You are not alone.

For my precious children. You taught me how to love and be loved. You have held my hand through the darkness and led me to the light. You are my world. My everything. I love you always and forever.

For Carolyn. You are an inspiration. Thank you for your honesty, your strength and your love. I am so proud of you.

For my brothers and sisters. You never left me lonely. Your love and support has healed me more than you know. I love you.

For my parents. Thank you for standing by me

and supporting me. I love you.

For Tayta, Umo, and Umto. Until we meet again.

The truth shall set you free.

Acknowledgements

Writing this book has been such a wonderful and emotional part of my journey. In looking back at so much of my life, much of which I had locked away in the dark corners of my mind, I have found an immense sense of healing and self-discovery. I have stumbled across a fair amount of criticism and confusion from many people in not understanding why I would want to share so much of my personal life on these pages, but I did not let that deter me. These people live in fear of the truth, but this is my truth to share and indeed it has set me free.

I have so many people I would like to acknowledge and thank for their constant support, not only in writing this book, but for supporting me throughout my journey.

My Creator, my guardian angels, my guides and my own inner voice. Without your love and guidance, this book would never have been written and this beautiful spiritual journey I am undertaking would not exist.

My amazing children. You are my strength, my joy, my passion and I am truly blessed to have you all in my life. The support you have always shown for your mum, even when you may have disagreed with my choices touches my heart. I know in sharing my life in this book that it has been confronting for you all, and I am so thankful that you have supported me and encouraged me to keep going. Words cannot describe how much I love each and every one of you, through the ups and the downs we have always had each other and no matter how much they try, they will never tear us apart. I love you always and forever.

Mum and Dad, I thank you for your constant support over the years. Though our road has been cruel and chaotic, here we are today. You have both gone through your own battles and fought your own demons, and in writing this book I have come to look at you in a different light. I now understand where you have stood and how you got there. I love you both very much and I am grateful for your support and understanding over the years. I am happy the two of you were able to find some peace and become friends after so many years; this is truly inspiring and shows the power of forgiveness and understanding. I want to thank you for supporting me with this book even though it brings up so much for you both and for your blessing to write about our family history. I love you both very much.

My brothers and sisters. Where do I start? The love I have for each and every one of you is indescribable. You have always been there for me and supported me throughout it all. Regardless of any disagreements or sibling rivalries, we have always been so close and I cherish each of you with all my heart. The love and support you have all shown for not only me, but for my children over the years is amazing and I am forever grateful for this. I am so proud of you all and I love you and my nieces and nephews with all my heart. Thank you for always being there and loving me for me. Caz, I am especially proud of you. I know how difficult it has been for you to re-live the past, and the way that you have come forward to share your story and speak your own truth in the process of writing this book has been truly inspiring. Your strength and courage have touched me in such a powerful way and I am eternally grateful for your love and support.

My amazing relatives. Nick, Aida and family, Richard and family, Sam, Shad, Miss L, Aunty Mary and family, Rita and family, and Simon. Through it all you have always loved me and supported me. I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to have each of you in my life and by my side whenever I need you. I love you all so much more than words can say and I thank you for being such important people in my life. They say you can’t choose your family, but I would choose each of you in a heart-beat.

Shifty, my oldest and dearest friend. I really cannot put into words the love and respect I have for you and Ty. Seventeen years my friend and you are still by my side. You have saved me from myself so many times over the years and have taught me the true meaning of friendship and family. Thank you for all that you do and all that you are. I love you always.

My beautiful girlfriends, what would I do without your love and support? Avi, Allana, Astara, Andrea, Atlal, Bec, Claire, and Jacinda. Your friendship means the world to me and you have all helped me get through so much at different points in my journey. I am blessed to have such amazing goddesses in my life and I look forward to sharing so much more with each and every one of you. I love you all so much and thank you for your love and friendship. Astara, you have shared this entire journey with me this year, if it weren’t for you I don’t know that this book would have become as real as it did. You have not only been my dear friend, but my spiritual advisor, motivator, counsellor, and sister. We’ve walked it together and I am so grateful that you agreed to design the front cover to this book. Love you long time!

To ‘the boys’, you know who you are. You’ve never let me down, in each of you I have gained brothers and my children have gained uncles. You have always been there when it matters most and I am eternally grateful for your love and support over the years. I love you.

To my Publishing Co-ordinator, Mary Alvarado. For your countless emails and phone calls and for putting up with my annoying questions! You have made this process so much smoother. Thank you.

To my Chilean family, those of whom are still by my side, for your ongoing love and support I thank you very much. To Chilean artist, Dani Gonzalez. Thank you for the use of your beautiful artwork.

To my support worker Staci. Thank you so much for all your help and support throughout my tough times. You truly are an Earth angel.

To my Reiki teacher, and friend, Jeremy. Thank you for giving me the tools to be a successful Reiki and Pellowah healer, and thank you for your advice on writing my book, I appreciate the time you took to read through it and the honest feedback you shared with me.

To my Reiki 1 teachers, Asharni and Jennifer. My Light Dynamics teacher, Jennifer. Such inspiring ladies, you started me off on this wonderful and amazing spiritual journey and I thank you.

To Tony, Peta, Luke and James. I have never forgotten your love and support. Thank you.

To my high school girlfriends. I have never forgotten your friendship, your love and your support. You all helped me more than you know. Thank you.

To JET. Thank you for the memories. I hope you find your light.

Introduction

Coming out of the darkness and into the light.

I believe that we are exposed to many different types of struggles in our lives, these are there for a reason; to teach us our life lessons and aid us in moving forward. We may choose to ignore these lessons, or we may choose to come out of the darkness and learn from these lessons, where the love and light of our true selves is glowing brightly.

We all have so many wonderful opportunities awaiting us if and when we choose to acknowledge them. Personally, I have been in the darkness for much of my life, I chose not to see the true beauty of my life and of myself. I was so comfortable being in the dark because that is what I was used to, I had grown up that way and had adapted to living a certain way. So many times over the years, I have argued with my inner self; telling myself and others around me that I was happy with my life and happy within myself. This was not true. This was my ego lying to me, tricking me into believing that all was okay just the way it was.

2012 has been a life changing year for me. I became completely uncomfortable and unhappy with being miserable. I became unsettled and knew that there had to be more to life. I left my marriage, left my family home, changed my career direction, I studied and became a practitioner of Reiki, Pellowah and Light Dynamics, and began to practice meditation. I plan to begin studying for my Dual Diploma in Complementary Therapies and Holistic Counselling. I wrote this manuscript and most importantly, I have met my true self. I am not rich, successful or popular; I am simply me. I am finding myself; my spiritual journey has allowed me to become comfortable in my own skin and has taught me that it’s okay to follow my own intuition. I don’t need to worry what others may think about me, or need another person’s permission to follow my dreams. I have come to learn that in order to be complete; I must love, nurture and respect myself.

My journey is not over, it has only begun and I am looking forward to growing and learning so much more. We all have our own story, our own journey and yes, we are all unique in our experiences. But I wanted to share that it’s okay to want something better for yourself, it’s okay to love and respect yourself and it’s okay to turn your back on the darkness. We will never forget where we came from or where our past has taken us, but it’s okay to choose to move forward and find true happiness within ourselves . . . It’s okay to walk into the light.

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From as far back as my memory takes me into my childhood he was touching me. My beloved grandfather whom I loved so much, the monarch of our family. Sexually abusing me.

It confused me so much growing up, once I realised that what he was doing to me was wrong and that it made me feel afraid, dirty and uncertain. Why did I still love him so much? Was he showing me how much he loved me? Why didn’t anybody else in the family know about what we were doing?

You kill me, he would say to me. Eat me. Don’t tell anybody, this is our secret my darling. They will never believe you. I love you, tell me you love me. I protect you from your father, you are mine.

Please somebody come in now and catch us, I would often pray in my mind. Why doesn’t anyone notice what is going on? Please God, help me to get away. I prayed for it all to stop. I prayed for the sexual abuse to stop. I prayed for my father to stop physically abusing my mother, my siblings and myself. I prayed for my mother to stop sleeping around and for my parents to divorce. I prayed to die.

Chapter 1

Growing up as the eldest child of five in my family was very difficult, especially being a daughter. My father, Sam, was a very strict Lebanese man, who cared much for his own reputation and his own needs, and cared little for much else, including his wife and children. A very violent man, he married my mother when she was only fifteen years of age. He was ten years her senior. I have grown to understand that the faults of my mother in the marriage were simply the reaction of my fathers’ actions. She was a lonely young girl, searching for the love and affection that she did not receive in her relationship with him. He was a brutal husband and he destroyed her spirit. She would never be the same again.

My father loved his marijuana; he would grow it and loved to smoke it. He loved his guns, his knives, his poker games, and was a compulsive gambler. In fact, if asked what his profession was, he would proudly reply with, I am a professional gambler. Never mind the fact that he had a wife and five children at home to feed and support, his habits would come first. Financially and emotionally we were at the bottom of his priority list. Our mother would need to ask for help to feed and clothe us. She would get food vouchers from charities and line up for free gifts to give us for Christmas. She would receive food and hand-me-downs from relatives for us. This was not her fault; she was doing the best she could do under the circumstances. Her husband was not supportive to her in any way, including financially. We were sent to private high schools, but our father managed to get away with never really paying our school fees.

Dad’s parents had both passed away, I never knew his father as he had passed before I was born, but he was a very heavy drinker and a strict, nasty man from what I have heard about him. My dad’s mother passed away when I was a young girl in primary school. I called her Tayta, which is Lebanese for grandmother; Tayta had always lived with us and I was very close to her. She would play with me, walk me to school, sing to me and pray with me. I came home from school one afternoon and Tayta was ill in bed, I called emergency immediately and the ambulance rushed her to hospital. Tayta was in intensive care and was to stay there for a while; she sadly passed away not too long after. I blamed myself that she had died, I thought I hadn’t called the ambulance soon enough; I was devastated with feelings of guilt and nightmares that I was killing her. One night I was dreaming that I had a gun and was about to shoot her when I awoke to the sound of her voice. There she was; Tayta was standing at the end of my bed telling me that she loved me, that I needn’t blame myself, it was not my fault she had passed and I had nothing to feel guilty about. She told me she was very happy where she was and that she will be with me always. After that night, my nightmares were gone. She would still appear to me at times; sometimes she would sing to me or say my prayers with me. Sometimes she would just sit by my bed until I fell asleep. This made me so happy; she hadn’t left me, she was still with me. One day Tayta stopped appearing, but I somehow knew she was still there for me; I could always feel her in my heart.

My mother, Anne, was forbidden to get her licence, nor was she allowed to get a job, study or anything else that would grant her some independence or freedom. She was to stay home with the five children, cooking and cleaning. She was to keep her mouth closed to her husband and her legs open for him. He would come and go as he pleased, out gambling for nights on end then sleeping throughout the day on his return. If any of us were to make a single sound to disturb his sleep, we would be severely beaten. She was his servant and God help her if she embarrassed him in front of any house guests by not having enough food on the table to feed them or the correct brand of cigarettes on stand-by to offer them. He would usually wait until any guests had left before beating into her, however, it did not worry him to beat her or his children in front of anyone. After all, what were they going to do about it? He would just beat them up too.

Children were to be seen and not heard. Children must respect their elders and if guests were to come over, you were to stand up immediately and greet them individually with a kiss, even if you disliked them. Children were not to eat with the adults or before the adults. I recall at family gatherings, the basic rule would be that the adults were to feast first, whilst all the hungry children would need to wait until the adults had finished with their meals until we could eat. We would always joke around with all of our cousins about just how much we all loved eating the left-overs of the greedy adults!

My sisters and I were forbidden to play with or talk to boys. I recall once being beaten so badly for playing with my male cousin in the backyard of our relatives’ home. We were all playing outside together, riding roller-skates and playing ball. Yallah, get in the car, we’re going home, Mum said. It was a very quiet drive home as usual and on our arrival Dad pushed me through the front door; his whole body was shaking just as it always did when he was about to give you a beating; I was terrified of what was coming, my heart