Thena: Fight for the Future

By Tuana Dowan

THENAFight for the Future is an inspirational self-improvement and spiritual development story of Tuana Dowan herself, of the people who had positive and negative impacts in her life, and of Thena, who introduced herself as Tuanas higher self in her dreams. Thena informed her of who Tuana was, the reincarnation principle, and the past lives, her pre-birth plans, her good and bad karma that she carried into her present life, and the negative intrusions in her current life. She also told Tuana that she was a Lightworker, alongside a few thousand others incarnated in this period, with a mission to spread light, in the form of knowledge, freedom, and love on Earth, and that she would play a very important role in the enlightenment of many people.

Tuana met Thena several times in the following years; besides acting as a guide in Tuanas self-improvement and spiritual development process, Thena gave her some information from the future, and all her prophecies materialized in time. Under the illuminating guidance of Thena and the positive people she met along the way, Tuana improved her self-esteem and courage, released her ego, and built up her patience. She set up goals in the light of her mission and pursued them, no matter what she encountered. She changed her career and became a trainer and a consultant in the field of soft-skills development. Learning to go out of her comfort zones and routines allowed Tuana to become a person with inner peace, mindfulness, and altruistic love.

THENAFight for the Future encourages readers to reach for the hero within and find the courage to create a happier, healthier, and more successful life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yMPbrNqlls

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452547824

Tuana Dowan

Tuana Dowan is an instructional designer, trainer and consultant specialized in self-development. She holds a BSc in sociology with minors in psychology and education, and an MBA degree. After completing her MBA, she started working as a consultant on Quality Management Systems. She considered the Total Quality Management (TQM) a tool that promised five-star results in producing successful organizations. A few months of working with people from all levels in different organizations taught her a lesson: people were not as enthusiastic as she was for the quality applications. Almost no one was willing to participate actively; motivation level, leadership skills, teamwork, and initiative were poor. At that point, she started working on a self-improvement model that would guide people in becoming happier, healthier, more successful, more productive, and more competitive in life. She developed the Personal Quality Management (PQM) model in 1997. PQM was a structured system for self-improvement with twelve components: self-knowledge, accepting change, setting up goals, positive energy, self-esteem development, time management, creativity, effective communications, conflict resolution, stress management, motivation, and teamwork. From then on, she assumed the responsibility of helping organizations develop their organizational structures by implementing OD methodologies and TQM principles, and training human resources in soft skills by putting the PQM fundamentals into effect. Coming from a positive background and actively practicing the self-development principles along the way has contributed tremendously in solving the challenging situations she encountered in her life, as well as successfully mentoring and coaching other people. Tuana Dowan lives in Cupertino, California, and works on the second half of her spiritual development story.

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Copyright © 2012 by Tuana Dowan. All Rights Reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Cover design by Tabby Dowan

ISBN: 978-1-4525-4783-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-4782-4 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-4781-7 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012904867

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

While based on true events, all names, relationships, locations, incidental characters, and situations were changed, altered, or occasionally fictionalized in order to conceal identities. Some dramatic effect might occur to better illustrate the environment and affect these events had on the lives of those involved. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, concerns, businesses or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Balboa Press rev. date: 06/28/2012

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgement

Chapter 1:   Introduction

Chapter 2:   How did I ever get here? (1953 to 1994)

Chapter 3:   Reconnection with Thena: A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 4:   Who am I?

Chapter 5:   The Wheel of Life

Chapter 6:   The period from 1994 to 1995

Chapter 7:   A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 8:   The first half of 1995

Chapter 9:   More from the first half of 1995

Chapter 10:   More from the first half of 1995

Chapter 11:   A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 12:   The period from 1995 to 1996

Chapter 13:   The period from 1996 to 1998

Chapter 14:   The period from 1999 to 2000

Chapter 15:   The period from 2001 to 2002

Chapter 16:   2003

Chapter 17:   A visit to Thena’s Garden after a long break

Chapter 18:   The period from 2004 to 2005

Chapter 19:   The first quarter of 2006

Chapter 20:   The second quarter of 2006

Chapter 21:   A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 22:   The third quarter of 2006

Chapter 23:   The third quarter of 2006 continued

Chapter 24:   A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 25:   The end of 2006

Chapter 26:   A visit to Thena’s Garden

Chapter 27:   The end of a period

Epilogue

I dedicate this book to my son Justin and my daughter Tabby

for their infinite love and endless support

during my self-improvement journey.

Preface

I remember thinking, when I was 12, of writing my life story; then, laughing at myself for thinking of writing since there was nothing to write. I was coming from a highly educated and admired family of positive values, and living a happy, comfortable, and ordinary life; there was nothing special to write. My ordinary life continued. I received my B.Sc. in Sociology and married an engineer pursuing a career in academia. Then, my mother lost her battle with cancer, which was the first shocking event in my life. Following my mother’s death, my husband and I moved to Berkeley, CA, for his Ph.D. studies, where I worked and attended graduate school. I had my baby boy just before I received my MBA degree. Our first conflict with my husband occurred when he informed me of his decision to move back to Istanbul after he received his Ph.D. degree; I was happy in California, being close to my friends and to my dream city, San Francisco. Nothing I said or did changed his mind, and we moved back to Istanbul at the beginning of 1983. I was very displeased with the development.

My orderly and dispassionate life changed when I fell in love with a colleague of mine at the company I worked for as a project manager. He was eight years younger than I was, with an attractive and charismatic personality. I was pulled towards him, despite all my efforts to suppress my feelings, and cheated on my husband. We got divorced in a month, shocking everyone around us; my son stayed with me. I continued seeing my boyfriend, in a society where illegitimate relationships were not welcomed. After a while, we decided to establish a private business, and then marry. His family, especially his mother, opposed our marriage and my receiving shares in the company. He was dependent on his family financially; I felt bound hand and foot. The feeling of being rejected was not familiar to me so far, being a person who was welcomed and liked by everyone all my life. The company was established, and the business flourished in a few years and we got married in 1988 despite his mother’s protests, and had a baby girl the following year. Our discrepancies started to come to the surface in a short while. His values in life were very different from those of mine. He was extremely self-centered, spoiled, domineering, undisciplined, and unprofessional. I was overwhelmed by his pursuit of his own welfare and interests before those of others, and his intolerant, arrogant, enraged, prejudiced, remorseless, and dishonest behaviors towards other people. I made several attempts to change him, which only backfired and worsened our relationship. The Gulf War, the economic instabilities in the national and international markets, and his risky investments and poor financial decisions weakened his company. As his business worsened, so did his personality. He cheated on me several times. I was so scared to get a second divorce; I cowered under society’s hammer, and tumbled-down gradually into a hole of misery and despair.

At one point in 1994, when I started thinking of terminating my life as well as my children’s, I met Thena, in my dream, who introduced herself as my higher self. She informed me of who I was, the reincarnation principle, the past lives, my pre-birth plans, my good and bad karma that I carried into my present life, the negative intrusions my husband had faced, and my son’s and daughter’s past lives. She told me that I was a Lightworker, alongside a few thousand others incarnated in this period, with a mission to spread light, in the form of knowledge, freedom and love on Earth, and that I would play a very important role in the enlightenment of many people. She taught me how to reactivate my bio-electromagnetic energy, with which I was familiar in my past incarnations. I met with Thena several times in the following years; besides acting as a guide in my self-improvement and spiritual development process, she gave me some information from the future and all her prophecies materialized in time. Under the illuminating guidance of Thena and the positive people I met along the way, I improved my self-esteem and courage, released my ego, and built up my patience. I set up goals in the light of my mission and pursued them no matter what I encountered. Moreover, I changed my career and became a trainer and a consultant in the area of soft skills development, and helped several people to improve their lives. Learning to go out of my comfort zones and routines allowed true changes to happen. This way, I could cope with the tremendous changes happened in my life during the following years, and became a person with inner peace, mindfulness, and altruistic love.

My ordinary life became extraordinary after all, and I decided to share my experiences, full of courage, with the readers from all over the world, in an effort to help them in the process of their awakening and enlightenment. ‘THENA-Fight for the Future’ is the inspirational story of my life, the people who raised me with positive values, the ones who had negative impacts in my life, Thena who illuminated my path and guided me in my self-development journey, and the people who helped and motivated me during this journey full of challenging adventures and self-revelations.

The book you are about to read is the first part of my journey. Please step in… I welcome you to my life story with the warmest feelings in my heart…

Tuana Dowan

Cupertino, CA. January 2012

Acknowledgement

I would like to extend my gratitude to three different groups of people:

The first group comprises people in my family environment, in which I grew up, where I learned to value love, empathy, tolerance, honesty, courage, justice, and working hard. They contributed tremendously to my becoming successful in my career and personal life.

The second group is composed of people who incorporated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors contradictory to what I have been taught during the early years of my life. Observing them to behave in self-seeking, remorseless, dishonest, enraged, prejudiced, and undisciplined manners strengthened my attachment to positive values even more, and motivated me in the production of this book.

The third group of people played important roles in the later years of my life. They have been by my side most of the time, going out of their way for me, when I suffered, or felt exhausted, anxious, or too tired to be inspired, motivated, or uplifted. They contributed to my self-realization and enlightenment; and helped me in improving my self-esteem and courage, managing my stress, and becoming a person with inner peace, mindfulness, and altruistic love.

Last but not least,

I would like to express my gratefulness to Thena, my higher self, all the members of the Love Field, and all the positive beings in the Universe for illuminating my path and guiding me in every step of my spiritual development journey. If you were not there, I would have never gone out of my comfort zones to allow true change to happen.

My warmest love and thanks to all…

1

Introduction

I always had a hunch, deep down, during the early years of my life that my 41st birthday would be a turning point in my life; I secretly suspected that my life span was limited to 41 years. I remember lying down on the couch, on the New Year’s Eve of 1993, thinking of myself as dead in about two months; I was supposed to be 41 in February 1994. The idea of dying seemed appealing for a moment, since I was in great misery, having serious problems with my husband. I felt the knot in my stomach; the tears welled up in my eyes. I murmured in disbelief:

How did I end up at this low place in my life? How did I ever get here? How did I become such an unhappy person?

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2

How did I ever get here? (1953 to 1994)

I was born in Istanbul, the largest city in Turkey, situated on two continents, connecting Europe to Asia. Despite the fact that my father had always wanted a baby boy, I was a baby girl. My parents tried to have another baby few times, especially with the insistence of my father, but finally my mom’s doctor told her that it would be dangerous for her health if she tried again. Therefore, I grew up as their only-child. My mom was very tender and beautiful. She worked as a teacher of French at the high school while my father was a professor of astronomy and mathematics at the university. We lived in a famous district of single houses. Our house, inherited from my mother’s father, had two separate floors. My grandmother and my mom’s sister, aunt Tezeya, lived on the ground floor, whereas we lived on the upper level. Aunt Tezeya was a chemical engineer recently graduated from the university. She worked at the cement factory as an engineer. She met her future husband, who was a civil engineer, the same year I was born. They married the following year, and continued to live with my grandmother. I was a happy child and the sweetheart of everyone. I had a light complexion with pale cheeks; greenish blue eyes; long, voluminous, soft, and straight light brown hair; and a delicate bone structure. I was even happier when aunt Tezeya and uncle had a baby boy when I was two. They named him Alec; I considered him my baby brother. He was very cute with his straw yellow hair and hazel eyes. Our grandmother, a migrant from Thessaloniki in Greece, who never remarried after she lost her husband years ago, took care of us since both of our mothers worked. She was a small, cheery, faithful, and tolerant conciliator who cooked the most delicious food, played with us, and told us happy stories all the time. We had a big garden surrounding the house with several fruit trees and flowers. The roses my grandmother grew were very famous in the neighborhood. She would make rose jam every year and it was my duty to collect the petals; but my favorite one was her orange jam. Alec and I used to spend our days in the garden, planting and growing tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and other vegetables, and eating fresh fruits from our fruit trees. Once, we organized a mournful funeral ceremony for a dead sparrow we found on the ground. We had colorful marbles to play with; but what we liked the most were books. We lived in a harmonious friendship, without any arguments.

We were not a religious family, but everyone believed in God. The only person practicing was my grandmother. Around the age of six, I started a silent conversation with God, almost every night after going to bed; this was my big secret. One night, I have seen a naked old man in my dream—supposed to be my father’s deceased father—extending a hand to a naked old woman—supposed to be my father’s mother; the woman accepted his hand with a smile in her face and they took away together… The next morning, I told my grandmother about my dream with a worried face; she told me not to worry about it. By noon, there was a telephone call informing that my father’s mother passed away the night before. There was a strange look in my grandmother’s eyes and I was scared stiff.

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The illiterate population constituted 60 percent of the total Turkish population of 28 millions in 1960; only 25 percent of women and 54 percent of men could read and write. Just 2 percent of the population comprised of university graduates. My mom, dad, aunt, and uncle were university graduates; they were the pioneers of our contemporary society established by Ataturk, the founder of the Turkish Republic. Education was the most valued subject in our house; I always felt proud of being a member of a highly educated family.

My best friend in the elementary school was Gwen, who was very sweet with her brown hair and glittery brown eyes. She lived a few blocks from my house. Her father was a teacher of literature and a writer; and her mother was a homemaker. Both of her parents were older, her mother being in her fifties, and her father in his late sixties. Gwen had a sister, eighteen years older than her, who just returned from Boston, US, after completing her Ph.D. in Sociology. Although they were well off, they would hardly go out; Gwen would feel somewhat lonely. My family, on the other hand, had a busy recreational schedule; we would often go out to dinners, movie theaters, theaters, concerts, picnics, and holiday villages. I started to invite Gwen to participate in our activities since my family approved of my friendship with her. Most of the time, she would come to my house; I would visit her very rarely, since my father would not allow me to go anywhere alone, except school. My father was a harsh and protective person; whenever I would ask for his permission to go to a cinema or lunch with my friends he would not consent. He would always talk about the danger out there. When my mom would try to reconcile, he would shout at her in a hurtful manner. Then, in a few days, my aunt and uncle would take Alec and me to wherever I wanted to go. That was nice of them, but I wanted to be with my friends.

Aunt Tezeya and uncle had another baby boy in the spring of 1964. We named him Aden. He was a lovely baby Alec and I could play with. We never felt jealous; actually we both were raised in such a way that we did not know what jealousy was.

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In the fall of 1964, two weeks after schools started, my mom received an official letter from the Ministry of Education informing her that she was selected among the six other teachers to go to France, for a year, in order to advance her career. She was a well-known and dedicated teacher, being fond of the French culture. However, as usual, my father did not approve of her going there alone. After long talks, it has been decided that my father and I accompanied her. This was a good chance for my father to improve his French, and a wonderful chance for me to learn French.

Three weeks later, we arrived in Tours, a city one hour from Paris. The surrounding area, Touraine region, was famous for its wines and the perfect usage of the French language. Paris-Tours bike races were among the most important activities in the region. The Cathedral of Tours, which was built in the twelfth century, was a magnificent structure; it was one of the fine examples of the Gothic architecture with its Renaissance style towers added during the fifteenth century. There was a gigantic cedar tree in front of the Cathedral, planted by Napoleon Bonaparte. Tours was the homeland of the famous writer, Honoré de Balzac, and was considered The Garden of France, having numerous public gardens in the city and the environs. Most buildings were white, having roofs made of blue slate. The first thing we did was to find an apartment, rent furniture and a television. Television was the most important piece for us since there was no television in Turkey at that time. Our apartment consisted of two rooms, a tiny kitchen and a small water closet with a primitive shower. The place was miserable compared to our house in Istanbul, but we all were pleased to be in France. I enrolled in the 6th grade of the Lycée de Balzac. The first days were very difficult since my knowledge of French was limited to ‘bonjour’ and ‘je m’appelle Tuana’. The body language was a great help during that period. I started feeling more comfortable towards the end of the first month.

Those days, Turkey was a poor country with a Gross National Product of 4 percent. It was hard to find nice toys, candies, and pastries in the market. On the other hand, the French pastries were so good and abundant; I gained few pounds eating crème fraîche and delicious cakes every day. My parents bought me a talking doll that made me extremely happy. When I pressed her belly, she would talk and giggle. At the end of the fourth month, I was able to communicate with people around me easily. My friends did not know anything about Turkey; they would ask many questions to learn about the country I was coming from. Where was it? How big was it? How many people lived there?

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We moved to Paris at the end of May, right after the schools closed for the summer vacation, and settled in a small apartment in the ninth arrondissement. One of the first things we did was to visit Galleries Lafayette, the largest department store in Paris. It was such a different world; I adored the lights, the fragrances and the escalators. We visited Galleries Lafayette several times. Once, I felt something strange while my parents shopped. I ran to the restroom to check what the problem was, and was terrified to see a brown stain on my underpants; it was my first period. I was scared as well as embarrassed; I cried for minutes. Upon our return home, my mother covered a large piece of cotton with toilet paper and gave it to me to put it in my underpants.

This is a natural occurrence in a woman’s life dear, she said; You are growing up.

I hated the situation. I did not want to grow up; I was happy to be a little girl.

Paris was a dream city with palaces, gardens, museums, monuments, bohemian coffee bars, art galleries, and nightlife. There was too much to see in our limited time, so we started running from one place to the other. My mom was my guide with her immense knowledge of French culture and love for arts. I had the opportunity to visit the Musée du Louvre, the more visited and one of the oldest, largest, and most famous museums in the world established in 1793. Being previously a royal palace, it was famous for holding several of the world’s most beautiful works of art. Although I admired all the places we visited, two of them impressed me the most: The Eiffel Tower and the Sacré Coeur Basilica. The technical specifications of the Eiffel Tower were amazing. It was named after its designer, engineer Gustave Eiffel. You had to climb 1652 stairs to reach the top; and if you could reach there right before the sunset, you would have a spectacular panoramic view of Paris. I was deeply affected by the Sacré Coeur Basilica, a white travertine structure completed in 1914, dedicated to the Sacred Heart. It was located at the summit of the butte Montmartre, the highest point in the city. The basilica was home to a large and very fine organ. The first time I listened to its music, I fell in love with the instrument. When you climbed the stairs to the top, you afforded a spectacular panoramic view of the city of Paris. Visiting the Natural History Museum and the Zoo were fascinating too.

One early morning, at the end of August, we said good-bye to Paris and headed to Marseille to get on a passenger ship that would take us back home. While the crew finished the final arrangements for takeoff, I leaned against the guardrails on the deck and bided Marseille, Paris, and Tours farewell, melancholy in my eyes. I was so lucky and blessed to have the opportunity, at the age of twelve, to experience what I had experienced in the past twelve months.

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One morning, following our arrival home, I visited my Grandmother to have breakfast with her. While we ate, she said:

You have become a very attractive young lady; you look very pretty and graceful. I would like to give you an advice.

I looked at her, in the eyes, and waited for her to speak. She kept on with a very soft voice:

Do not ever be a conceited person. Modesty is one of the most important virtues in the world.

I was surprised since I was not a conceited girl; I murmured in disapproval.

She continued with a smile:

I am not saying that you are conceited; take it as an advice for the future.

My father very often complained about not having a son. My mom and I would feel very uncomfortable every time that subject became a current issue. I started laying hands on house works considered the duty of man, like changing the fuse, repairing electricity and water pipe breakdowns, and painting. I was silently trying to prove my father that females could also perform everything males could.

The following year my father went to Sicily, Italy, as a visiting scholar for a year. My mom and I spent most of our time together having heart-to-heart talks in the evenings.

Tuana she would say; The world we live in is a men’s world and a woman must be very well equipped with a good profession and a very well developed self-esteem in order to live in dignity. You should never be dependent on anyone else, especially a man, to stand upright.

Gwen’s family decided to send her to a famous American boarding high school in Istanbul. I continued in the same school and chose to specialize in the field of Mathematics, among three possibilities: Math, Natural Sciences, and Literature. That decision came out without any hesitation since my father expected me to become a mathematician or choose a math related field at the university. Dozens of math or physics books in his bookshelves were waiting for me. I was not able to be a boy I thought, I might as well fulfill his wish regarding my profession!

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The following summer, we went, together with my aunt’s family, to Italy and France for the summer vacation. The first week, we stayed in Rome, the capital city of Italy. We visited the Vatican City. The Sistine Chapel, the official residence of the Pope, impressed me very much. Its pictorial decoration comprised frescoes and a set of tapestries, which were the work of different artists. The walls were divided into three main tiers. The lower one was decorated with frescoed wall hangings in silver and gold. The central tier of the walls had two cycles of paintings, The Life of Moses and The Life of Christ. The upper tier was divided into two zones. At the lower level of the windows was a Gallery of Popes painted. Around the arched tops of the windows were areas known as the lunettes that contained the Ancestors of Christ, painted by Michelangelo as part of the scheme for the ceiling. I was very much impressed when I learned that it had taken four years for Michelangelo to paint the ceiling, from 1508 to 1512, with a series of nine paintings showing God’s Creation of the World, God’s relationship with Mankind and Mankind’s fall from God’s Grace. On the large pendentives that supported the vault were painted twelve Biblical and Classical men and women who prophesied God in the salvation of humankind. As one of the few major European cities that escaped World War II relatively undamaged, Rome was essentially Renaissance and Baroque in character. Fontana di Trevi by Nicola Salvi was one of the most emblematic examples of the baroque art. A traditional legend held that if visitors threw a coin into the fountain, they were ensured a return to Rome. We all threw coins into the fountain. The Colosseum, a giant amphitheatre in the centre of the city of Rome, was Alec’s favorite. It was one of the symbols of Rome, used in the old days for gladiatorial combat, originally capable of seating 50 thousand spectators.

After Rome, we headed to Venice. Venice, also called the Queen of the Adriatic, stretched along the Adriatic Sea in northeast Italy. The city was world famous for its canals. It was built on an archipelago of 122 islands formed by about 150 canals in a shallow lagoon. In the old center, the canals served the function of roads, and every form of transport was on water or on feet. The classical Venetian boat was the gondola, mostly used for tourists or for weddings, funerals, or other ceremonies lately. As per law, all gondolas were painted in black. We took a gondola tour, in the Grand Canal, with great pleasure.

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In 1968 the riots all over the world was in the news most of the time. Student protests in France, Germany, U.S., Mexico, Belgium, Poland, Yugoslavia, and Turkey were inspired by a strain of political thought called ‘third worldism’. Students idealized and followed socialist movements in countries like Cuba, Vietnam, Russia, or China, and revered figures such as Mao, Che Guevera or Castro. Students’ struggles in their own countries were tied to their support of these third world socialist movements. In Italy and Argentina, students and workers joined in efforts to create radically different societies.

During my final year in high school, I mostly studied for the University Entrance Exam, which was scheduled in May 1970. Although my father wanted me to become a scientist, I desperately desired to become an architect with the support I got from my mother. My spatial abilities were very well developed. I took the exam in May, graduated from high school in June, and started to wait for the exam result that was supposed to be announced at the end of August.

The exam result was shocking. I collapsed when I learned that I have lost the chance to get into the department of architecture with a 0.001-point difference. Instead, I was eligible to attend the social sciences department. Social sciences were my last preference being a student specialized in math. Both of my parents were in shock too. I cried for hours, and then fell asleep and had a dream. In my dream, I was sitting with a worried face on the dusty ground made of grey stones and rocks. All of a sudden, a pinpoint of light exploded into this great circle of light, right in front of my eyes. As this light opened up, I saw a gorgeous woman dressed in a sparkling, dazzling white and green gown walking towards me. Her light auburn hair was upswept into a beautiful, smooth Grecian coiffure, holding an elegant gold crown decorated with green stones. Her green eyes were glowing, and she had the most wonderful smile I have ever seen. She radiated a warm, golden light, and looked very peaceful. She approached and hugged me; it felt wonderful, warm, and loving. Suddenly the scenery changed; the surrounding became full of greens and colorful flowers. I saw a nightingale singing at the top of a nearby tree; and smelled the sweet perfume in the air. She held my hand and dragged me towards the nearby bench.

You look very much worried, but there is nothing to be worried about she said with the softest voice I have ever heard.

Startled, Who are you? I asked.

I am YOU, and you are ME. My name is THENA. I am your higher self or your eternal identity. I came to tell you that everything is on track in your life, according to plan.

My plan was to become an architect, not a social scientist! Besides, no one expects me to become a social scientist after I have specialized in math. How will I tell my teachers that I’ll study social sciences?

When I mention about the plan, I am talking about the Divine Plan. You will always be drawn towards your plan all your life. You have to listen to your heart. The plans can’t be spoiled.

I suddenly felt great comfort and smiled back at her.

This is better she said and disappeared in front of my eyes. The nightingale was still singing.

I was more relaxed when I woke up the next morning. The same day, I went to the university to inquire about the department. There were two programs: sociology and psychology; I was expected to choose between the two. I talked with the professors and students and learned that female students mostly preferred the psychology division whereas the percentage of male students was higher in the sociology division. In addition, sociology was a more respected field since it was more down to earth. Although I felt more interest in my heart towards Psychology, I decided to choose the sociology department since I had to prove my father that I was not that girlish!

That evening, I informed my parents about my decision of registering in the sociology program. My father looked at me with a serious look in his eyes and said:

I will give you the permission to enroll at the university on the conditions that you won’t have a boyfriend, and you won’t be out after dark.

What an approach! I was talking about my future career while he was talking about boyfriends. I was not thinking anything but attending the university at that moment, so I immediately accepted.

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The university I enrolled was a four-year university founded in 1950’s. Since its foundation, as an international research university, it had been the leading university in Turkey. The language of instruction was English. There were over 40 undergraduate programs within five faculties. The campus was about 12 miles from the Centrum of Istanbul and there was a private transportation system by bus to several destinations in the city. Since I did not know the English language, I was expected to attend and successfully complete the ESL (English as a Second Language) class during the two semesters of my first year, before becoming a freshman.

I was very excited on the first day of my university life. It was a warm fall morning in 1970. I took the bus from the bus stop that was one block from my house. When we arrived at the main entrance of the university, I saw a big crowd. There were many students as well as several police soldiers. Students were not allowed to enter the university due to an armed fight between the students and the police soldiers at the dormitories, early in the morning. We all were sent back home; nobody had any information as to when we could go back; it was a big shock.

The education started six months after the scheduled time and continued with several short interruptions during the following five years due to the student movements. Gwen was accepted at the electrical engineering department of the same university; she was one of the three female students at her department. Alec, also, started to study at the mechanical engineering department, two years later. At the end of my sophomore year, I met my future husband, Ethen, at the folk dancing club of the university. He was a graduate of the mining engineering department with honors and worked as a teaching assistant at the same department. He was studying towards his master’s degree. He was a handsome, kind-hearted, honest, hardworking and trustworthy person. His family was migrants from Thessaloniki in Greece like my grandmother. His father was in military, and mother was a homemaker. He had two brothers and a sister. They were middle-class warmhearted people. We betrothed in 1973. My father insisted on our getting married when the university closed again for six months by the rector ship due to the student movements in 1975. He was sleepless since I was going out with a person who was not my husband yet! Therefore, we got married. I graduated in January 1976 and started studying for my master’s degree in the business administration department of the same university. Gwen, also, graduated in 1976, and engaged to a research assistant, Saven, from the electrical engineering department. We all were very happy.

Then, a terrible incident happened; my mother was diagnosed with column cancer. Following a surgical operation, she was treated for nine months during which I was with her every single day. The treatments were ineffective; she gradually lost her energy. However, I was determined not to let her die! Although I was a scientific minded person, I tried various alternative medicines out of desperation. Once, a woman told me that I had to boil honeysuckle in milk and let her drink it. We did not have honeysuckle in our garden; I searched the neighborhood and found the flower in one of the neighbors’ garden. I waited until dark and stole the flowers after everyone went to sleep.

You didn’t have to steel them, commented aunt Tezeya; If you had asked for their permission, you would have gotten a positive answer.

Yeah, but they probably would have asked me the reason as well. What would I tell them in that case? I would be ashamed if people knew I was involved in alternative medicine!

I strived hard but nothing helped; she passed away in the spring of 1977. I collapsed… Besides being extremely sorry of losing her, I felt guilty, in a radical manner, of not being able to save her… During the funeral, I sensed her being next to me. I felt her the next day, the day after, the following day, and the day after… For ten days, I felt her with me. On the tenth day, I heard her voice very clearly:

Sweetheart, don’t ever feel guilty for what happened to me; it wasn’t your fault. It was time for me to go. I love you very much.

It definitely was her voice, just as clear as it could be. It echoed in my ears, just as though she was sitting next to me. Then, she was not there anymore.

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Gwen and Saven got married in the summer of 1977. On their honeymoon, we all went on a cruise in the Mediterranean Sea; and then, we all moved to California in the fall of the same year. Ethen was accepted in the Ph.D. program at U.C. Berkeley. Gwen and Saven started studying at the Stanford University, Saven for his Ph.D. and Gwen for her master’s degree. I also wanted to continue studying for my master’s degree, but the foreign student tuition was very high; so, I decided to work instead of studying. Unfortunately, I had a hard time finding a good job even though I was a graduate of one of the best and internationally accredited universities in Turkey. I went sour… I found a ‘lollipop lady’ position through the management of the University Housing Village in Albany, where we lived. I would hold up a ‘Stop’ sign while the nursery school students crossed the streets in Albany. I enjoyed living in Berkeley, which was one of the most politically liberal cities in the nation and a melting pot, having people from all around the world. I appreciated the diversity very much.

Few months later, I started working as a ‘financial aid assistant’ with a major testing and evaluation organization in Berkeley. It was a temporary job, which lasted for a year. I studied interior decoration and design through a correspondence school on my spare time, and attended Ikebana and pottery classes at the adult school. In the fall of 1979, I found a permanent position with a Canadian holding company in San Francisco. I was expected to distribute mail and work as a backup receptionist. Although I was over qualified for the position, I was happy to have a job.

I worked hard with dedication, and in a short period, became the computer operator. The major computer system was with the head office in Calgary, Canada; I was the only person in the States working as a liaison. Our offices were in Embarcadero Center, directly facing the Bay Bridge; the view was magnificent.

I adored San Francisco. It was a popular international tourist destination renowned for its chilly summer fog, steep rolling hills, eclectic mix of Victorian and modern architecture and its famous landmarks, including the Golden Gate Bridge, the cable cars, and Chinatown. The combination of the cold ocean water and the high heat of the California mainland created the city’s characteristic fog that could cover the western half of the city all day during the spring and early summer. My favorite place was the Fisherman’s Wharf, a tourist area featuring Dungeness crab from an active fishing industry. San Francisco was characterized by a high standard of living, international culture, and liberal activism.

Alec came to California, in the fall of 1979, to study for his master’s degree in mechanical engineering at the California State University, Sacramento. Sacramento was the capital city of California, one hour and a half from Berkeley. He was not happy being away from home and wished to return to Istanbul as soon as he was done with his studies. For that reason, he studied very hard, almost non-stop, finished his studies faster than we expected, and returned home in the summer of 1980.

Deep down, I wanted to continue my graduate education too. Six months after I started working as a computer operator, I heard about the company’s tuition reimbursement program. I talked with the management and informed them about my wish to continue my education. They soon accepted me in the program. I started studying for my MBA in the evening program at the Golden Gate University, in San Francisco, in the fall of 1980. My manager kindly informed me that they would prefer me to major in either finance or accounting; I chose finance over accounting. In reality, finance was not my dream; I would rather have preferred majoring in organizational development.

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It was the busiest period ever in my life. I would work from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., and then attend classes from 6:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. from Monday through Friday, and return home around 11:00 p.m. every night, exhausted but happy. Gwen completed her MS degree at Stanford University and started working with a company in Palo Alto. Soon she got pregnant. We would see each other during most weekends. Sometimes we would stay over in their apartment, other times they would come over to our place, and sometimes we would travel together to Lake Tahoe, Los Angeles, Carmel, or Monterey. We would often attend performances in San Francisco Opera, San Francisco Ballet, and San Francisco Symphony. Gwen and Saven had a baby girl in October 1979; they named her Anika. The same year, my father remarried, and had a daughter the following year. I was shocked, as most other people, of his decision to have a child at the age of 55.

I got pregnant, at the beginning of 1981, followed by Gwen three months later. Our son, Justin, was born in October 1981; he was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Towards the end of my maternity leave aunt Tezeya came from Turkey to take care of Justin. In a few days, he became her sweetheart. Gwen had her son, Kyle, three months after Justin was born. We were excited to have boys of the same age, so they would be friends as we have been.

When I went back to work, I discovered with great pleasure and amazement that I had a new office and a new position; I was promoted to a position in the accounting department. Later, I learned that the person who replaced me during my maternity leave mixed up everything causing complications in the daily and monthly reports. My promotion was a demonstration of the company’s gratitude for my flawless performance in my previous position; I was very much touched.

Ethen was about to finish his Ph.D. but indecisive of what he wanted to do afterwards. I wanted him to search for a postdoctoral position, preferably nearby; whereas he talked of going back to Turkey where a tenured position was waiting for him at the university we both graduated. I was very happy to live in California and did not want to go back home. We started arguing for days and nights without any success from my side.

Aunt Tezeya stayed with us six months. Towards the end of the fifth month, my uncle joined her. We took them to several places in California. Being a civil engineer, my uncle was fascinated with the freeway structures in Los Angeles. Ethen seemed serious about returning to Turkey; so, I quit my job in order to study full time to complete my MBA. All my friends, my boss and coworkers were sorry when I informed them about my decision to leave the company. I received my MBA degree in the fall of 1982. My father had another daughter towards the end of 1982. I was not an only child anymore; I had two sisters, the older one being one year older and the younger one being one year younger then my son.

We started packing. Every morning I would start the new day with the hope that Ethen would be offered a position that he would not refuse; but unfortunately, my hopes did not come true. One afternoon, at the beginning of 1983, we boarded the plane to Istanbul, tears in my eyes. "Adieu San Francisco, my dream city… Will I ever be able to come back to you?" I left my heart in San Francisco.

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Both of our families were at the airport when we arrived in Istanbul. Everyone was happy to see us, especially to see Justin. He was fourteen months and a very cute baby. We settled in one of the apartments I have inherited from my mother, in the same building where my aunt and Alec lived. Ethen started working, as an assistant professor, with the mining engineering department; I started looking for a job in companies having international business. After a while, I heard of an opening at the City Bank, and applied immediately. My interview went very well and I was offered the position. They wanted me to start right away and go to Athens, Greece, for training for a period of three months. However, unfortunately, Ethen did not like the idea of my going away for three months; I had to decline the offer. I went sour…

In May 1983, I started working with an international transport company, as a projects manager in charge of the logistics of the international turnkey projects like hydroelectric power plants, bridges, highways, etc. We had offices in the major cities and ports of Turkey, and partners in Europe.

The labor was cheap in Turkey, so I hired a fulltime woman to take care of Justin and the house. My aunt would control the woman easily, since she lived one floor up. Our life was well ordered and comfortable; Ethen’s future was bright and secure in one of the best universities in Turkey. What we missed was an active social life. Our life in the States was full of activities; we had good friendships. In Turkey, our life was colorless and boring; we had no friends at all.

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Towards the end of the year, the company I worked with signed a large size transportation contract for the biggest Dam and Hydroelectric Power Plant project in Turkey. The consortium leader was an Italian company from Rome. The company’s representative in Istanbul was a Turkish man named Mel who had worked with Italian companies for the last 25 years. He was a chubby and cheerful person, around his fifties. The first day we met him, he asked my boss to hire his son, Tavin, in our projects department. To my surprise, my boss accepted his request without even interviewing the boy. I considered this a very unprofessional attitude; we did not even know if he would be a good fit for our project department. Actually, one of my major complaints in Turkey was the unprofessional business conduct. Being aware of my disapproval, my boss asked me politely to make both ends meet. Tavin, who was 23 years old, tall, handsome, charismatic, and cheerful college graduate, started to work with our company the following week. He was around all the time, demonstrating a visible interest in me, which made me feel disturbed. I was a 31-year-old married woman having a child. Besides, I was a conservative person believing in faithful marriages.

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As days passed, I felt pulled more and more towards him. We went together to a three-day business trip to Mersin in April 1984. Every evening he took me to nice restaurants with live music. Each time we entered a restaurant our table would be ready with red roses in the center. He would request special songs for me from the band; it was like a dream. The last evening, we slept together; he was triumphant and I was in disgrace on our way back home.

The only thing I could think of, during the next three days, was ‘How have I done such infamousness?’, ‘How have I done this to Ethen?’, ‘What am I going to do now?’ I could not sleep, eat, or think. It was impossible to live with the heavy pressure of my conscience. On the fourth day, I decided to inform Ethen of what has happened, and ask for a divorce. After I finished talking, the same evening, a deadly silence bestrewed the room; Ethen was unable to talk for a while.

"My beloved wife, mother of my son, the honest and faithful woman I am married to… You must be joking!"

I shook my head. He closed his eyes for a while, resting his head on the armchair.

When he could talk again, he said:

So, you want to divorce, huh?

I nodded.

I was hoping to get old with you, let alone gating a divorce. He is just a boy, definitely not suitable for you. You are an elite person; intelligent, sound, very well educated; having delicate tastes. He is just a shallow disco boy. Please think again before you make a final decision; you’ll be sorry eventually.

I shook my head. I saw tears in his eyes; guilt roasted my heart.

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We got divorced in one month, at the beginning of June. Our families and friends were shocked; we were an ideal couple to all. He never told anyone the real reason behind our divorce. I appreciated him very much for this behavior since the society we lived in was a traditional society that did not approve cheating. Divorce was not welcomed in my family; divorced women were not welcomed in the society. My father blamed Ethen from the outcome. Justin continued to live with me; one thing I would not give up was my son. He was 2.5 years old.

I worked hard and avoided everyone. I was well off with my salary and the rental income from the properties I have inherited from my mother. I continued seeing Tavin very often under the shadow of my work; we would go on business trips, within Turkey and in Europe, during which aunt Tezeya would take care of Justin. Justin was a very intelligent and handsome boy. I would bring him boxes of Lego every time I went on a trip to Europe; he was very successful in assembling them. When Tavin and I would go out to restaurants and discos, I would use my work as an excuse towards my aunt. Very soon, I started smoking since Tavin was a heavy smoker. He very often talked of marriage and promised a cheerful life. Being an unmarried woman was bothersome; I needed to marry him in order to gain the society’s approval. On the other hand, several questions would rush my mind:

‘Would society approve my marriage to a guy 8 years younger than me?’, ‘Is he a dependable person?’, ‘Would