Beneath the Surface: Unmasking the Real You and Liking What You See

By Karie Eaton

As women, we compete for attention, validation, admiration, and the like. Today, technology makes it possible to connect with family and friends instantaneously. We have so many options. Gone are the days of a hand-written letter and rare are the phone conversations or times to really be authentic with a close friend. Technology makes it easy for women to portray an ideal life that competes with those whose lives they see represented on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social media. By going beneath the surface and discovering Gods true design for womanhood, women can feel empowered, energized, and free to remove the masks and confidently embrace a life of authenticity.

While technologies such as social media and websites can improve our abilities and options to connect, they also mean there are just so many more channels we have to managerelationships, perceptions, details, and to top it off, we have to be aware of how our communications will be read and interpreted on the receiving end.

Even though women long for meaningful relationships and an authentic life story, they often find themselves exhausted from having to create and maintain a variety of masks to wear during the appropriate settings that prevent them from this.

As with anything, when it is overused, technology can take away from truly deep one-on-one intimacy and interaction. Anything we come to rely on to substitute for personal relationships runs the risks of losing authenticity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781512722345

Karie Eaton

Karie Eaton is a lay counselor, Bible study leader, and has started numerous womens ministries over the years. She is the author of Beneath the Surface helping women seek how to have more authenticity in their relationship. Karie has a B.A. in Communications and Public Relations as well as a Master Degree in Human Services Counseling. She is a gifted speaker. Karie lives in Olathe, Kansas with husband Mark and their daughter Courtney and son Corey.

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Copyright © 2015 Karie Eaton.

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Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

WestBow Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-2235-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-2236-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-2234-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015919958

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/11/2015

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1: Deception

Chapter 1 Vanity Fair

Chapter 2 Public Solitude

Chapter 3 The Poser

Chapter 4 Closet Coma

Chapter 5 Pillow Analysis

Part 2: Mirror Image

Chapter 6 The Forbidden Fruit

Chapter 7 Looking Back

Chapter 8 The Secret

Chapter 9 The Hurt

Chapter 10 Portion Control

Part 3: Finding You

Chapter 11 Cleaning Out the Closet

Chapter 12 Our Own Worst Enemy

Chapter 13 Rules of Engagement

Chapter 14 Breaking the Surface

Chapter 15 The Story/Your Story

Epilogue

About the Author

Notes

To the special people in my life who

inspire, encourage, and love me:

my family, my friends.

Acknowledgments

In one of the chapters, I talk about how no one should walk through life alone and how life is to be in relationship with others. Certainly I have no doubt the endeavor of writing this book would not have been remotely possible without important relationships in my life for which I am truly appreciative and thank God often in my prayers.

My husband, Mark, first encouraged me to pursue counseling. He constantly left college brochures and applications throughout the house as a means of motivation. Our work together walking alongside married couples serves as a source of encouragement and validation of the love that exists in our own relationship. His unconditional love has allowed me to be more authentic and remove my own masks. Our daughter, Courtney, and our son, Corey, provide me daily with a greater sense of purpose, joy, and love than I could ever imagine. Courtney teaches me compassion for others, and Corey reminds me to laugh often.

The golden girls in my life are my mother, grandmother, and aunt. The life lessons and experiences they shared with me built a foundation of love and grace and a place to rest. They never tire of my need for a listening ear, or of being my greatest cheerleaders.

Growing up in a home as an only child, visiting my half-brother and -sisters in the summer, I wondered what it would be like to have brothers and sisters around daily. Ironically, I married into a large family. Although we have lost two, Roseann, Martin, Mike, Shelley, and Amy have become my siblings as well. Their children have added to the closeness of our families. As an artist and marketer, Mike has assisted greatly in design and marketing efforts for this book.

Friends play an essential role in most women’s lives. This is certainly the case in my own life. While the friends in my world are numerous and I cherish each of them, one has journeyed with me from the very beginning. I thank Diane Rennell for agreeing to be a subject in my graduate work and then evolving into my constant champion throughout this writing and publishing adventure.

Last, I want to thank Jennifer Morris from Westbow Press. Her guidance, wisdom, and patience through the publishing process are greatly appreciated.

Introduction

Let me put a disclaimer out there right up front: I do not pretend to have this all figured out and will even confess I find myself within the stories and assessments contained within this book. I am in constant need of my own advice. In the medical world there’s a saying, A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient. That is why the thoughts, insights, and counsel within these chapters are not all my own. They simply represent a collaboration of experiences and observations from my journey. They are also built upon previous great works by great people.

Nonfiction literature tends to take one of two paths; it can either add weight to what we already know, or it can extend on what we already know. Admittedly, there are some published resources that speak to the mask or masquerade we as women tend to put on. It is really my hope to both add to these theories and extend them at the same time. In doing so, I use a number of stories. While the subjects of these stories are inspired by actual people, it became necessary to change a number of character descriptions so as to protect identities. The essence of each story and its related messages is what is important.

Now more than at any time in history, we have so many options to interact with family, friends, old classmates, past relationships, and coworkers. While technologies such as social media and websites can improve our abilities and options to connect, it also means there are just so many more channels we have to manage—manage relationships, perceptions, details—and to top it off, we have to be aware of how our communications will be read and interpreted on the receiving end.

I believe the technologies we have at our disposal are tools. As with any tool, they can be used for good and be a true strength. But any strength overused can also be detrimental. In the case for social media, when overused it can take away from truly deep one-on-one intimacy and interaction. Anything we come to rely on to substitute for personal relationships runs the risk of us losing authenticity. If we give in to the pressures to use these technologies to manage the way others perceive us, chaos is sure to be close behind.

Even as I am beginning this book, I split my attention with the airing of the Oscars. Instantaneously, the Internet lights up with who are the best and worst dressed. The critics are ruthless in their interpretations of what works and what doesn’t. What were they thinking? barks one of the fashion police. The show is interrupted with commercials, of which at least a third are portraying fashion, glamour, and beauty as necessities for success, fame, or the way to get the guy. And it starts at an early age.

During a flight to Florida, my husband shared a row with a young teenage girl traveling with her brother. Thirty minutes prior to landing, the young girl pulled out a makeup bag and began the process of primping.

Starting with the nails, she filed each one, moved to makeup and eyelashes, and finished with her hair. Unable to let the moment pass, my husband asked how and when she learned to apply makeup. She explained that she has always been interested in beauty but her parents would not allow her to wear makeup until she turned fourteen. She shared that she learned how to use makeup via the Internet, saying, You can learn just about anything on YouTube.

Is it any wonder we grow up fixated on our image? Unknowingly, from that early age we begin to create the masks we will put on, wearing each for a particular situation or just the right environment. In the ’70s and ’80s the number-one expense for companies was health care benefits. Within the category, childbirth or obstetrics made up the lion’s share of the health care dollar.

Today, health care remains for most companies their top expense. However, childbirth expenses have been replaced with psychiatric care, including medications for bipolar, depression, anxiety, and other evolving mental illnesses. Now, not all the expenses are derived from the female gender, I admit, but it is probably safe to say at least half are. So what’s changed? For one, society evolved during this same period, telling women they can and should be able to do it all—have a career, be a dutiful wife, and oh, be the picture-perfect mother who has it all together.

Different times and environments demand the flexibility to change who we are for the given situation: multiple personalities, to say the least. Add to this the multitude of social media tools in which to manage our perception, and it’s no wonder we are in need of medications to help us control our mental states.

Facebook, Instagram, and the like give us the means to establish and maintain the ideal image we want others to view of us. But just beneath the surface lies the real us, the real world we live in. And much like the proverbial iceberg, there’s a lot more danger beneath the surface. It is a fragile state in which we live. The truth is that we as women put so much weight and value on what others think of us, how they view us, and how we compete among each other.

Who established this life as some competition? It goes all the way back to the garden and the temptation Eve faced to be more like God. Throughout the generations we continue to seek acceptance, self-worth, and love from wherever and whomever we can find it.

In this book, it is my hope and desire that we can expose ourselves and then go beneath the surface to discover who we, as women, are meant to be—and that we can like what we see.

Again, I find myself within the examples I share in the coming pages and admit that daily I have to shed the masks I have created over the years in order to manage the perceptions I want for myself and for my family.

By doing so, a heavy burden is lifted and a more authentic life is revealed. Beneath the Surface builds upon those writings and extends them to impact our life stories. While God created us in His image, He also created us individually to be unique and authentic. Let’s go beneath the surface.

Part 1: Deception

Chapter 1

Vanity Fair

Jenni wants to be seen as the go-to person, whether it is for a family member, her church, or her friends. She wants to be the fixer for everyone, and she has set a perfectionistic standard for herself. She can’t understand why she never has had a steady boyfriend, let alone a potential husband in her foreseeable future.

Jenni’s standard of perfection also means no one should ever see her stressed out, having a breakdown, or even tired. She takes medication to help her stay awake and alert. When Jenni does eventually burn out—and it happens more often than she realizes—she simply leaves town for a few days, checks into a hotel, sleeps, cries, and gathers herself together, only to return home and back to her routine.

It’s no wonder there is not a special someone in her life; she simply doesn’t have the emotional energy or desire for a man to see her weaknesses. Now at thirty-five, she realizes not having a husband and 2.5 children who dance and play soccer makes her seem less perfect.

In working with Jenni in my counseling, I have helped her see that enabling others by taking on their problems and issues has greatly affected her mental and physical health. She now realizes she is growing more and more resentful of the very people she is trying to help.

Over time, I have helped Jenni develop a new context from one that enables others to one that empowers them so they actually become inspired to succeed on their own. Over time, Jenni discovered she can be an even greater help to others by encouraging them to use their own strengths to overcome their issues. By taking off her mask and changing her perspective, she discovered that it is okay not to be perfect as she previously defined it. She is encouraging to those around her as well as contributing to her own well-being. Jenni has gone beneath the surface.

Perfectionism is a form of vanity when it drives you to be—or to present yourself to be—someone you’re not. God did not design us to be perfect according to the world’s standard. He designed us to actually lack in some areas of our lives so that we would seek Him. To achieve perfection, we’re actually saying we don’t need Him. Think about how Adam and Eve were naked but didn’t know what that meant; neither did they have any shame. If vanity had been present in the garden, I can almost see Eve evaluating her thighs and perhaps wishing there was such a thing as a tummy tuck.

The Scriptures ask an important and blunt question that many cut short: Do you not know that your bodies are temples? (1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV). The rest of the Scripture finishes, of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? As women we tend to treat, or at least desire to treat, our bodies as temples. We see more and more money being spent on plastic surgery to enhance exteriors, but how much are we investing on our interiors—in fully realizing the temples God designed us to be?

A Father’s Delight

Within her first five years of marriage, Katie had had three surgeries: one to reshape her nose, another to build up her chest, and yet another to reduce her backside. Katie was consumed with her appearance and fixing its flaws. It’s no surprise, then, that within the next two years, she found herself questioning if she was beautiful enough, and she began seeking false definitions of acceptance.

Katie grew up in a home where her mother modeled the standard that a woman’s body is a temple by having multiple surgeries. Her father bankrolled the procedures, and he made up for his absence by sending her mother