Philosophically Phunny

By Jules Cassius

What people have said about
the contents of this book:
Hilarious!
OMG, you are SOO funny!
LMAO!
That is so freaking hilarious!
I peed my pants!
LOL!
Thats the funniest thing Ive ever heard!
My sides hurt from laughing so much!
I wanna have your baby!
You are SOOO CRAZY!
Where do you come up with this?
You should write a book!
You should do stand-up comedy!
You should quit while youre ahead.
What the hells wrong with you?
Dont you have a job?
WTH?! Seriously dude.
That was supposed to be our secret.
Keep the jokes coming!
This brightens my day!
Hahahahaha!
ManI thought we were friends.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jun 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477206263

Jules Cassius

A father of five and a husband to a very patient and understanding wife, the author finally found a home for those ridiculous thoughts and ideas that plague his mind daily. Before blogging, posting and social-networking was available, his nonsense would find its way into the once popular slam books, yearbooks, birthday cards, get-well cards, your cast, jeans, t-shirts and anything else you would allow him to push a pen against. Most recently, jokes that were once digitized on friends' facebook walls have transitioned to ink and paper and are now available to the rest of the world. Having been a fan of comedy since the age of seven, his inspirations include stand-up comedians such as Brian Regan, Dave Chappelle, Mitch Hedberg and a long list of hilarious performers that began their career at The Laugh Factory. He holds two degrees in engineering but will usually find himself cluttering his mind with the comical aspects of life, people and the lighter side of just about anything. A firm believer that science cures ailments, faith cures hopelessness, and laughter cures everything else, it is rare to find him take anything seriously. Realizing that it's easier to practice self-control than be an incessant clown throughout the entire day, it is also just as rare to find him cracking jokes in public. Instead, he has resorted to writing his ideas as blogs and status updates rather than allowing the thoughts to accumulate in his head to the point that is maddening. In this book, you can share in his moments as a blundering child, an awkward teen, and as an exasperating husband and father. It is a wonder he remains married and still has friends. Maybe it's because laughter, the cure to everything else, also brings everybody closer together.

Book preview

© 2012 by Jules Cassius. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/29/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-0625-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-0626-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012908951

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.To my family and friends

Contents

A Hole in My Sole

Awkward Moments

Axe Scents and Linguine Sticks

Closet Geek

Courtroom Comedy

Great Ideas!

Growing Up

Growing Up

Guide to Healthy Living

Last Man on Earth

Little Known Facts

Metal Genitals

Pick-up Lines

Raising Kids

Surprise Endings

Thoughts as Deep as Puddles

Time to Listen

Velcro Wallets and Pants Stickers

Whites of Thine Eyes

Yamaha and Pioneer

are Stereo Types

Special Thanks

About the Author

A Hole in My Sole

One of my most embarrassing moments ever:

I received a brand new pair of shoes on my 12th birthday and being a very active kid, I played baseball, football and basketball in these shoes. My mom had once noticed that every sock I owned had a quarter-sized hole on the bottom. She asked me how it happened but I told her I had no idea. She seemed satisfied with that answer and came to her own conclusion that the socks just simply wore out in the wash.

The next day, while running around the black-top at school, the bottom of my feet started to burn. I looked at my feet and realized I had worn holes into the bottom of my shoes. I had holes in my soles! This was totally embarrassing! I didn’t want anybody to see the bottom of my shoes so I walked flat-footed the rest of the day. These were new shoes too so I never mentioned it to my parents. I just kept wearing my holey shoes for a while.

About a week later, we had a field trip to the local library, which meant a lot of walking. Once again, trying not to let my classmates see the bottom of my shoes, I walked without bending my toes. I kept my feet parallel to the ground the entire time. It looked like I was riding an invisible bicycle. Either, nobody noticed my peculiar stride or nobody cared enough to mention anything because it was normal for me to act like a dork. I did try shuffling my feet before I tried the bicycle walk but that just wore the bottom of my shoes faster and made the holes even bigger.

My mother bought me some new socks to replace all of my holey socks. Only this time, she bought the cheapest socks ever! These socks were knee-high and were probably from a thrift store or swap-meet. I knew they were cheap because the material was as thin as paper and the elastic failed after one wash. It wasn’t long before I began using rubber bands to keep them up because if I didn’t, my socks would eventually roll down to my ankles over my shoes. I looked like a ballerina wearing leg-warmers that weren’t pulled up.

So I was out in the field playing football again and I failed to notice that one of the rubber bands holding up my socks broke. My sock then started to slowly creep down my leg as I dragged my feet around while running through the grass catching and throwing the football with my friends. Without fail, I managed to drag my right sock through the hole from the bottom of my shoe. Half of the sock was around my ankle and the other half is sticking out from underneath my foot onto the grass! My friend standing next to me was the first to notice.

He pointed at my