Lazerman

By Dennis Sayan

Lazerman is extremely proud of his high school education. He is also outrageously opinionated and politically incorrect but doesn't realize it and there is not a mean or angry bone in his body. When his friend becomes the unintended victim of a practical joke gone terribly wrong he discovers the reason, a deadly coven of Vampires secretly inhabiting the caverns beneath a beautiful and seemingly tranquil cemetery. Lazerman vows revenge and assembles an eccentric yet comical team of scientists and Vampire hunters as he travels to New Orleans with its infamous quadroon balls thru the deadly swamps of Florida and into Nevada's infamous Area 51. Unfortunately the Vampires are watching….and waiting.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Dec 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483442907

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SAYAN

Copyright © 2015 Dennis Sayan.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-4291-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-4290-7 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 12/14/2015

CONTENTS

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

"EVERYBODY IS STUPID,

JUST ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS."

Will Rogers 1879-1935

ONE

MY GIVEN NAME IS DENNIS, but you can call me Lazerman.I’m here today to tell you an incredible story. It’s like nothing you’ve ever heard and it’s all true, every word of it. I know that for a fact because I was there, I lived thru it and I’m a big part of what happened.

Now some people may try to convince you that I added or changed parts of the story but there lying, besides I had to in order to protect my sanity. Some might scoff at this notion because they take their sanity for granted but not me. I know better, I’ve been warned. I remember as a child sitting with my parents and telling them of the world that I envisioned and my plans for the future. Mom’s eyes would tear up as dad explained how fragile sanity was and I must be very careful to protect mine. I’d thank him for his kind word and now spread his wisdom to anyone who will listen.

Truth is, I don’t think anybody knows where sanity ends and crazy begins, and what about stupid people, where do they fit in?

There are no answers to these questions. You might see a person and think their crazy because of the way they look, turns out they’re not crazy, they’re just ugly.

Now intelligence is a whole different thing. I’ve devised a way to judge a person’s intelligence merely by using a few quick and easy observations, but crazy, you just can’t tell.

It’s a proven fact that someone can be crazy and intelligent at the same time. Maybe the nut running up and down the street pointing at the sky and screaming they’re coming, they’re coming, really does see and hear something. Maybe he’s trying to warn us but we’re just too dumb to know it. We say there goes crazy Eddie again and have a good laugh. Maybe Eddie isn’t crazy at all. Maybe we are. Maybe Eddie is a crazy intelligent person. It’s possible.

Here’s another thing. If being sane means that someone does pretty much the same thing as everyone around them then what about the people in asylums, racing around in their wheelchairs smashing into things, banging their heads into walls and wetting their pants. Their all doing the same thing and their nuttier than fruitcakes. And where does this fit in. The first person to eat a snail was no doubt crazy but got lucky and was judged intelligent. Same thing with the first person to eat the green stuff that runs thru cheese. So luck also plays into it.

You can actually be lucky and crazy at the same time but what happens when your luck runs out? Your back to just crazy unless of course you’re rich, then you’re eccentric.

I used to try to figure these things out but not anymore, there’s just too many combinations. I believe that a brain is like a used car. It only has so many miles left on it and I don’t want to use up all of my brain miles thinking about these things.

There’s something else that I want to tell you before I get on with my story and it’s that I thought school was pretty much a waste of time. I figured that if my teachers were so smart and had spent all of those years in different schools only to get a job as a school teacher, then I wasn’t too impressed with what they had to say. Reading, writing and basic arithmetic is all that really matters. What do I care about why a bird can fly or about a bunch of chemicals and stuff? If I get a headache I take an aspirin. I don’t need to know what kind of tree it’s grown on and here’s another thing, why doesn’t school teach you things that one day might actually be useful? Think about it. It’s a scientific fact that everyone will have a flat tire sometime during their life but does school call this to your attention and show you how to change it? Of course not! They’d rather teach you about Einstein and his relatives, whoop de damn do. See how important that is when you’re broken down on the side of some God forsaken road, and who in the world would need a class in English? I mean what’s the big deal if I don’t know the difference between an adverb and a proverb? What’s so important about that? I know how to talk and it’s just like my mom taught me. As an example take a typical conversation.

Mom might say, for the love of God, Dennis, would you please be quiet for a few minutes?

I’d say, sure mom, but do I have to be quiet about everything? Can I talk about music?

NO.

Can I talk about cars?

NO.

Can I talk about movies?

NO.

Can I talk about T.V.?

NO.

Fine. I’ll just go to my room and play my drums.

Just think how if during these conversations I’d have told her that she had used the wrong noun or dangling participle? She would have freaked out, so that pretty well proves my point.

It’s well known that too much education can destroy a person’s brain, just talk to any college graduate. They don’t have a drop of common sense left. It’s all been replaced with different formulas and equations. They’ve been brain sucked. I mean think about this: say someone goes into a gas station and buys $3.50 worth of gas. They give the cashier $4.00 and get $.50 cents worth of change. Nobody should need to look at some gadget on their cellphone to figure that out and when someone answers a question with a question or with someone else’s words or if something is obviously wrong but they still argue that it’s right then they’ve been brain sucked. They’ve turned into a Zombie; a brain sucked Zombie. Oh they may move a little faster when they walk and not groan all the time but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re nothing but a stinking, brain-sucked Zombie. There is no cure. It is impossible to un-educate a person.

Now my keen insight into the dangers of over education can literally drive college professors’ crazy. They might not have a lick of common sense, but they’re all aghast because I don’t know who painted a picture of some old woman in Europe 200 years ago. I mean, who cares what the most beautiful building in Paris is? What difference does that make? If you were to ask any professor what the most beautiful building in Minot North Dakota was, they wouldn’t have a clue.

Oh no, that’s not important, they’d say. It’s only important if it’s in Paris and was designed by Picasso.

These know it all’s may look down their nose at me but I graduated high school so obviously I got educated. They don’t give those diplomas out to just anybody and here’s another thing, when it comes to street smarts, they got none and I got a lot.

Besides, if I ever want a fancy degree I’ll just send $100 to the Jamaica Institute of Theology and in about two weeks, just like magic, I’m a doctor. Lots of people do it.

If anyone should ever dare to ask what are you a doctor of? The Institute advises you to respond, interesting you should want to pry into my life, you were a bed wetter as a child weren’t you? The intruder will instantly gasp for air and act like a fool. When they finally calm down and say, I wasn’t prying, I was merely curious, you say your response indicates that you have not solved this problem, nothing to be angry about, you simply need help. I’m sure that at this very moment you’re wearing waterproof underwear to protect against accidental leakage.

Now it’s guaranteed that this busy body will walk around the room, office, party or whatever screaming about a crazy doctor and asking everyone to check out their underpants. It’s always best to do this in front of as many as of their friends as possible. The institute promises that no other person will ever question your doctorate. But I digest, back to my story.

Growing up in United States I never much cared what someone from a different country had to say about something because as Americans I’m sure that we already knew the answer, but a curious thing happened. A family of immigrants moved into our neighborhood and I became really good friends with their son. His name was Lazlo something or other, but I called him Lolo. One day, we snuck a couple of beers; he got tipsy and told me his story of coming to the United States, blah, blah, blah, like who gives a crap? He said that he came from Europe or Mongolia or some other city with his mom and dad, some furnishings and his father’s Ark.

I didn’t really care where he came from but I was interested in the Ark and ask him about it. He said that it was a type of small coffin used to contain something deadly or of great importance. His father had guarded it for his entire life as had his father before him and when he died it would be passed to his smartest son, not the oldest or youngest, the smartest. If the father didn’t have a smart son then the Ark was passed to his brother’s smartest son, and if his brothers kids were a bunch of dummies, then the uncles smartest, on and on until a smart one was found. It was the guardian’s solemn duty and obligation to care for and pass along the Ark no matter where he had to travel to or what obstacle needed to be overcome, he just had to do it and that nothing else in his life was as important as his duty to guard the Ark. Not his wife, kids, country, nothing, and whoever was the guardian could never give it away, they couldn’t bury or burn it and for God’s sake don’t open it.

I knew that Lolo had more information but he didn’t want to talk about it. When I asked he simply said, It is a box, nothing more, very old, very beautiful, but merely a box. Little did I know that because of a stupid practical joke my friends were about to play this Merely a box" would almost get me killed, send me to places I’d have never gone and introduce me to people I’d have never met. Some were human, but most were not.

My life was about to change forever.

I only saw the Ark one time and that was from about 100 yards away. Lolo’s father had died so I went to the funeral but I had to stay way back because I brought my dog with me. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone, go to the funeral and walk my dog, (that’s what I mean about street smarts; you’ve either got it or you don’t, it’s something that can’t be taught) so anyways I was back on a little ridge watching the funeral. Now some of my buddies thought it would be a big joke to sneak into Lolo’s house while everyone was at the funeral and steal the Ark, so they did. After the funeral was over and everyone left the gravesite my friends put the Ark on top of the grave and opened it.

When it was opened I saw a quick burst of light flash out of it, kinda like an arc welder makes but it wasn’t near as bright. I just saw the light for a second cause’ it flew straight up and hit my buddy Johnny square in his face, then it shot straight down into the grave. I don’t know if any of the other guy’s even saw it and here’s another thing, while this was happening I could hear a very distinct noise. It sounded like the noise a big cat makes just before it tears something apart. I didn’t know what to think or do so I just sat there watching.

My friends picked up the Ark and returned it to Lolo’s father’s house. They set it in the exact same position it was in before they stole it, that way nobody would think that anything strange had happened and that the Ark hadn’t been touched or tampered with.

I just sat there for a half hour or so and then I saw Lolo walking up to the grave. My guess was that he wanted to spend a quiet moment alone with his dad. He stood at the gravesite for a couple of minutes then he bent down on one knee like he was going to pray.

The instant that his knee touched the ground the same light hit him full force. He fell face down on the grave and this time it wasn’t for just a second like when it hit Johnny, this time it stayed in Lolo for maybe a full minute, maybe more, maybe less, I don’t know exactly. Then I heard that cat sound again, something was in the sky above him. I think that the light was waiting inside of him for something to join it and I’ll tell you another thing, while all of this was happening there were no other sounds, no birds chirping, no breeze, nothing. My dog went flat to the ground so as stupid as it sounds I just stayed right where I was. I laid flat on the ground and then made my way over behind some brush. I must have laid there for an hour thinking things thru, mainly because I was scared, but also I couldn’t get my dog to move.

When I finally got up the nerve to walk down to the gravesite Lolo was gone. Now I’m no expert on graves but something at this one was definitely off. For one thing the dirt was about 3 inches lower than the graves next to it but I chalked this up to it being a new grave and just filled in. Then I saw an outline where Lolo had been laying. I stepped on the dirt to see if it was soft but I couldn’t make a dent in it, yet here was Lolo’s whole body imprint. It dawned on me that Lolo hadn’t just fallen on the grave, he was pulled down on it.

I split, I ran back up the hill where I had been hiding, picked up my dog and ran for home. Part way there Woodrow jumped from my arms and took off. He was waiting at the house when I got there.

I didn’t know what to do so I just sat in the house thinking things over. I thought about calling the cops but they wouldn’t have done nothing, they would have just thought a crime had been committed and probably figured that the Ark was full of drugs or something, then they would have put me in a room with a big spotlight and started shining it in my face and hollarin at me to fess up and they’d go easy on me, otherwise I was on my way to jail. No way was I ever going to go thru that again.

Next I decided to try and talk to my pals, but they just brushed me off, not a one of them would admit that they saw any light hit Johnnie, then they asked me if I had been drinking or something and I told them no, but they didn’t want to talk about it no more.

I grabbed Johnny and told him I was serious. He told me to shut up, like he always does, but for the first time in my life I saw a face that terrified me. There was something different about his eyes, something that I had never seen before, but he didn’t even know it, and something else had happened to him. He seemed smaller but had a presence of power about him. You knew that he could beat you to death in a minute, not the type of thing that you could fight back against, and his voice was a little bit different, most people wouldn’t even notice but I’d grown up with Johnnie and I could tell.

I thought maybe I should go talk to Lolo but he was taken to a maximum security nut house called Sin Esperanza, and you only got to spend a couple of minutes a day with him before he starts screaming and bleeding, so they slam the door and tell you to go.

Now I should tell you some more about Lolo. I guess he had some type of college degree or two but they weren’t important because they were from some backwards nation like Casablanca or Geneva or some other place that nobody has ever heard of or cares about. I don’t know, in my opinion they just graduated some kind of screaming fool and sent him off to the U.S. and now he’s our problem. Thing is Lolo keeps talking about what he saw,but when you press him about it, it’s not only what he saw, but what he felt and what happened to him. Hell I know what happened to him, he’s in a nut house, but for just a second or two I saw the same light as he did and I’m not crazy.

Next I figured maybe I should talk to someone in a church but I never went to church so I just picked the biggest and fanciest one that I could find. I went in and started talking to a young priest.

After a couple of minutes, he asked if he could leave the room for a minute. When he came back he was with another priest, an old guy who told me to start my story over and tell him what I had already told the young guy. I didn’t much care for the old priest. He listened to every word I said but showed no emotion and to tell you the truth, I needed a little bit of sympathy.

He pissed me off so about three fourths of the way thru my story I told them I had to use the toilet. As soon as I was out of the room I split. I went a couple of blocks and saw the old guy trying to catch up to me, not a chance. I jogged six or seven blocks farther and ducked into a coffee shop where I bought a cup of coffee and sat watching the street. Sure enough, after a few minutes I could see this old guy huffing along looking for me. To tell you the truth, I thought it was kind of comical to see a purple faced old man in a white robe bent over trying to get his breath. He walked around in circles for a while then started walking back towards the church.

I sat for a bit just to make sure that he wasn’t coming back then I went outside and started heading for home. I looked back to double check the area and make sure that he was gone. He was gone all right but what I didn’t see was the three goons sitting in a car waiting and searching for me.

I walked a ways and a friend of mine was standing on the sidewalk so I stopped to talk, that’s when I saw the car. I started walking again, checking reflections in windows and sneaking a glance back whenever I could to see if they were following me.

The guys in the car were keeping their distance, they didn’t want to just grab me, they wanted to follow me until they knew where I lived but that wasn’t going to happen because I had the advantage of knowing the neighborhood and what I was going to do.

About 10 minutes from my house was a park. Just behind the park was a concrete wash with a bridge over it and just beyond that was my old high school, and that’s where I was heading.

I walked into the park then took off running, heading full speed for the bridge. I took a quick glance back to see what was happening. The car had double parked in the street and the three guys were bailing out of it. I hit the bridge at a full run and turned into the high school.

Now there’s not a better place in the world to ditch somebody than a high school. Hundreds of kids walking around, buildings, bungalows, auditoriums and things everywhere, plus all these kids aren’t going to make it easy for three men to run thru them. They’re going to think that these guys are a bunch of cops or narcs and they’re definitely going to block their way, bump into them and do everything possible to make these three guys miserable, more important to me, to slow them way down.

I flew thru the school and ducked out an exit then I looped around so that I ended up in a used car lot that sat directly across the street from where they had double parked their car. I told the car salesman that I was interested in buying one of his cars but I needed to look it over then take it to a mechanic and have it inspected.The salesman was leery of letting me drive off in his car but I convinced him that I was really serious and that I would leave him my wallet as security.He finally said o.k. after I promised him that I’d be really careful, but before I bought something I just had to check it out. He gave me the keys and told me his job was on the line if I screwed up the car.

I went to the car and acted like I was checking out the interior and the upholstery, but all I was really doing was waiting and watching.

After about 30 minutes one of the guys that chased me came back to the double parked car, jumped in, fired it up and took off. I waited a beat then drove out of the lot and followed him. He drove back past the church, went 3 blocks further and turned into an Industrial park, the kind of place where you could rent different size buildings. It looked like where you would go to get an air conditioner fixed, or