Not Always Serious: The Inanities of a Pensive Mind

By Denis Liljedahl

This book is a collection or compilation of poems and short stories that I mostly made up over many years, usually when Ive been drinking. That should answer many of the questions about the content of some of the material contained within. My wife thinks Im goofy and is amazed that any publishing company would even consider wasting the soy ink to print it, I am too.

Im a midwest guy (Twin Cities) only because my great grandparents thought that this area reminded them of home, stupid Swedes and Germans. To me, that wouldve been a good reason to keep moving on. Maybe to the West coast, Colorado, Northern Arizona, or Utah. Furthermore, Ive never tried lutefisk and I dont like headcheese. I do, however, like sauerkraut and pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes and rutabagas.

I retired from the USPS and left my disgruntled ways and a few mangled bodies behind me. For that reason I decided against having a picture of me on this back cover. I shouldve used an alias, dammit!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9781468528909

Denis Liljedahl

I’m a midwest guy (Twin Cities) only because my great grandparents thought that this area reminded them of home, stupid Swedes and Germans. To me, that would’ve been a good reason to keep moving on. Maybe to the West coast, Colorado, Northern Arizona, or Utah. Furthermore, I’ve never tried lutefisk and I don’t like headcheese. I do, however, like sauerkraut and pork chops with garlic mashed potatoes and rutabagas. I retired from the USPS and left my disgruntled ways and a few mangled bodies behind me. For that reason I decided against having a picture of me on this back cover. I should’ve used an alias, dammit!

Book preview

Contents

Snoring

The High Price of Gas

Cliches

Traveling

Dust

Fellow Man

Up North Flooding

Flamboyant People

A Few Helpful Tips

Crack

Spoonerisms (and what they are)

The Elvis Conspiracy

Barnyard Commandos

Integrity Wind

Finances

Plagiarism

Humvee

Spatial Vagabonds

Family Tree

Feeling Goosey

Hey, Pimp Daddy

Idiocy

Summer Fun

Lard

Celebs

Poe Puree

Tacky Habits

Forget Sailing

Incubus and Succubus

Moronica Sansabrain

Some Education

The Tea Bag Party

Polka, Oh Ya!

Earthbound Gravitational Blues

Eagles

False Teeth

Everyone’s Dream

Time Bomb

Football

Nux Vomica

Succinct Sights and Sounds of Nature

Dirty Trees—a learning tool

Steroid Kings

UZI’s and Chocolate

Blood Test

State Fair

Street People

Birth Signs

Greetings

Campfire

Feckless

Public Television

Ya Gotta Have Guns/.22 Magnum

On Being Niggardly

What More Can You Ask?

The Olympics

Shopping Tip

From Electronics To Paradise

Keep It ToYourself

Goodwill

World Domination

Gambling For Fish

NASA Dreams

Looks, Talent and the Lord

Rasslin’

Since My Eyes Crossed Yours

Living Will

Psychic Friends

My Life As a Turtle

Modern Cults

Civil Disobedience

Immaturity

Shaved Pussy-Cat

Helping Hand

Archie Bunker

Future Kisses

Old Cat Blues

Chicken Fling

Cartoon Figures (Are Vampires)

Riddles In The Night

Another Nail (A Conjecture)

Strange Games

Drinking vs Sobriety

Have An Imagination

A Thousand Years

Radio Station Call Letters That Should Be Allowed

The Name of a Man With No Arms or Legs That… .

Can You Dig My Garden?

The Finger

Butter Face

One Tight Woman

They Couldn’t Even Say That

Geeks, Babes and Cougars

A Message For Certain Single Men

Brace Yourself

I Might Be Dead

Thirty Foot Wave

The Things We Do For Beer

(Parody of The Things We Do For Love by 10cc)

Nerdy Woman

(A parody of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman)

I Love To Lock And Load

(A parody of Joan Jett’s I Love To Rock and Roll)

Here Come The Buns

(A parody of George Harrison’s Here Comes the Sun)

I’m A Boozer

(Parody of I’m A Loser by the Beatles)

The Homeless Old Woman From Pasadena

(Parody of Jan and Dean’s The Little Old Lady From Pasadena)

I Am Hungry Tonight

(Parody of Are You Lonesome Tonight by Elvis)

Arthritis All Around Me

(A parody of Love Is All Around Me by the Troggs)

Osama

(Parody of Copacabana by Barry Manilow)

I Fought The Bra

(Parody of I Fought The Law by the Bobby Fuller Four)

Hey O.J.

(Parody of Hey Joe by Jimi Hendrix)

Eggs

(Parody of Legs by ZZTop)

What I Like About Jews

(Parody of What I like About You by the Romantics)

Guacamole

(Parody of Mony Mony by Tommy James

and the Shondells)

Better Worry Be Unhappy

(Parody of Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin)

Puff My Magic Peter

(Parody of Puff The Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary)

A.B.S.(American Bystanders Society)

Frozen Macaw Blues

Going To Mexico

Loud Shoes

On Being Careful What You Wish For

#1) Too Many Millionaires

#2) Alternative

#3) Door To Door

#4) Love Is A Maniac

Frangible Heart

I May Be A Yuppie

The Grease Ball Express

Hey, Rush

Why Doncha Be That Way

Runway Blues

In Your Shoes

Oh! Oh!, Here Comes The World

Variations On Cocaine by J.J.Cale

I’m Smelling You Now

(Parody of I’m Telling You Now by

Freddy and the Dreamers)

Strawberry Daiquiris

(Parody of Strawberry Fields by The Beatles)

Celibate

(Parody of Celebrate by Three Dog Night)

Whiskey Days Are Gone

My Baby Poop

Our Government

Tilt-A-Whirl

Duct Tape And Superglue

The Ultimate Fighter

Plankton, Massachusetts

The Interloper

How Much Time

To Be Alive

A New Leader

Hopping On The Bus

Amos and Andy

What Is Your Fetish?

The Mongers

The Fly

A New Salvation

Modern Music

Common Bondage

Nonsense Adnauseum

Bad Families

A Violent, Passionate Sport

Who Would You Rather

My Phone

Football

Detroit

Cock Blocker

Cialis In Wonderland

My Girl Looks Like Alice Cooper

Out Run The Cops

Hermaphrodite

Where Does That Leave Us

Ode To The Young

As We Grow Older

Thunderstorms

Elvis vs Madonna

The FES

Some Ideas

Different Places

Our Only Son

Hurricane Party

Sand Food

A Horrible Fire

Missing Teeth

Second Opinion

Jupiter

At Casino

Nancy Grace

Group Names

Crystal Goblets

When Do I Fall In Love?

Battles

Selfishness

Rebound

Woman In A Wheel Chair

Jonathan’s Tumor

How Long?

Zits and Hemi’s

Some Enticement

If Upon A Time

The Deuce

Retirement

Try And Get Away

Chakira

Fast Food

I Want My Lady To Wait

Rock Cock

A Family Split

Dogs On Crack

Obesity In America (More on over eating or,The Fattening)

New Addictions

The Old Coach

Weather People

The Census and Ale

Animals That Drink

Window Peeking

Cropdusting

What Makes Luna Tick

Serial Lover

Over The Years

Fish That Kill

Do They Fake It?

D.W.Idiocy

Technology

Green Peace

Is War Good?

Star Trek Stuff

Steeples

I Wanna Hover ’Round

Dandelions and Others

Southern Nights

An Amish Tale

Name Games

Snoring

In the dark of night when we’re fast asleep

There is a zone into which we creep

It sometimes strikes right away

Other times there is a delay

Once it starts it’s hard to defuse

Deep rooted snoring you don’t choose

The windows rattle with every breath

Bring on relief in the form of death

Listening to your partner’s Z’s

Racing back to sleep oh please

Before the snoring begins to creep

Denying me much needed sleep

So what’s at fault who’s to blame

Each of us snore there is no shame

It can bring out the worst in us

I’ve heard people snoring on the bus.

The High Price of Gas

Alone in your car going to work, cars stand around like a circle jerk

We’re driving alone more and more, this isn’t the time to ignore

Our big independence on foreign oil before it all comes to a boil

When do we start to shift for ourselves, no longer being subservient elves

To the towel-heads in charge of how we live and the politicians that cave into them

We’re caught in a world stuck on oil like a master spider webs’ toil

How long until we close the gate on the ones that hold our fate?

Just down the road gas is ten bucks a gallon, you only travel when you, your pal and

Some other people can afford to gas up, by then, what, a dollar a cup?

That’s the high price of gas!

Cliches

Life goes on, shit happens, how are you today

Even Steven, a regular guy, much to my dismay

Your ship comes in, stay the course, you can’t stop the rain

One thing leads to another, buckle down, no pain no gain

Life is filled with tired cliches, worn out like a shoe

The road of life is full of bumps, do I have a deal for you

Out to lunch, bring it to the table, make hay when the sun shines

If you get lemons make lemonade and read between the lines

When a pig in a poke leaves a sleeping dog lie

The ice in his veins will keep your hands off my pie

Six of one a half a dozen of the other, what a drag

Say it don’t spray it and don’t sell me a cat in a bag

Have a nice day one at a time, freedom isn’t free

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

A large part of any language is built upon the cliche

So drop your cocks and grab your socks and to all a touche.

Traveling

Of all the places you’d like to visit, if you won the lottery

Would it be anywhere in Africa? that’s not for me

Maybe a trip to England but as a vegetarian

Unless the meat they serve was once equestrian

Another place to avoid might be Jerusalem

Around the Gaza Strip is dynamite strapped to a hoodlum

On a lighter note Amsterdam is a good place to go

Hash bars and hookers, smoke one and sex the ‘ho’

Canada is too much like us, Mexico only out of pity

Maybe stay in the USA, unless you like the gritty

Dust

Above the Earth so high, beyond the stratosphere

Spatial dust is falling, it’s been and will be here

Dust that falls on earth today then on your mantle shelf

Is over 10,000 years old and yet you must wipe it yourself

Fellow Man

As you walk this world tonight take with you all its delight

Many things can bring splendor some of those you will surrender

Others though will retain consider it a modest gain

When we help our fellow man we become part of the plan

Be in good spirits and don’t deny this world is of you and I

Be calm as you walk around this life try not to balk as it causes strife

Paint your life as you would your house—make it complete

Up North Flooding

Oh, ya sure, you betcha my cow’s in a tree

The flood ya know is bad it even made t.v.

I’m sitting on the roof, my boat ya know she sunk

The corner bar is gone, I can’t even get drunk

The sandbags that we piled up, oh ya dey quit holdin’

Main street has long disappeared but my hand I’m not foldin’

Oh ya know it’s gonna get better but not this accent

It sounds so Scandahoovian, what’s worse is the scent

That would be lutefisk with whole boiled potatoes

Oh you bet I’d eat it up here even some stewed tomatoes

Oh ya, just get me offa dis roof,oofdah!

Standing in the drizzle watching it fizzle

You ain’t got a schnizzle better get a chisel

Say what? Say what? I said (repeat)

Flamboyant People

A lucid effervescent person up on stage putting on a show

Showing us something never seen, lunatic circus and sparks out the blow

Gigantic props with basketball hoops, three dimensional screens they play on

Being as flamboyant as they can now living a fantasy, to be a Klingon

Dressed in flashy clothes and make up they prance around on stage

They walk right down the aisle and you want to act their age

Elvis learned about it, Elton, Liberace, Bach and the Beatles knew

What it took to please a crowd, good music and a show for you

Flamboyant people are fun to watch, they can help out a drab life

If not for flamboyant people, there’d be less to say to your wife

A Few Helpful Tips

Never pet a burning dog… . Do not except a drink from a urologist… .

Don’t stand in front of a falling tree… . Try not to preach… .

Keep turning blades away from your face… . Chew corn thoroughly… .

When all else fails read the manual… . Maintain your dignity when possible… .

Avoid getting your haircut from someone named Butch… .

Don’t spend much money on the lottery or gambling in general… .

Check for counterfeit money and suspicious packages… .

Do not speak your mind in China… . Avoid the hotdogs at a gay picnic… .

Keep the designated driver straight… . Learn to speak English(foreigners)

Don’t leave a tip at the buffet table… . Allow yourself time to get there… .

Try for sex on the second date but do not bend over in front of a Greek… .

I hope I haven’t been to preachy.

Crack

Crack cocaine what it does to your brain makes it feel like nothing is stronger

Out duel the cops, beat up your woman lets see who outlasts one longer

Sit around all day watching reality t.v. along with Springer and Maury

If Oprah gets cancer and asks for donations be sure it’s something worthy

Like the Boy scouts or campfire girls, young folks without clues

Or maybe the Alzheimer’s people who forgot to pay their dues

Crack cocaine can hasten your life, it’s over before it’s through

Your enemies will love that having to no longer put up with you

Don’t do them that favor give no respite it’s not like you don’t belong here

You do and I do belong here that is without the crack though my dear!

Spoonerisms (and what they are)

This is the history and examples of spoonerisms. It is somewhat distorted and I did embellish a bit but not without a purpose and that is to be entertained and educated. So prepare yourself to be both.

It all began with a man named Reverend W.A.(William) Spooner, 1844-1930. Born in New College, Oxford England, when he spoke he was prone to transpose initial sounds of spoken words. For example, during a sermon instead of saying he was a loving shepherd he would say he was a shoving leopard. Or during a wedding ceremony he would say it was kisstumary to cuss the bride. It should’ve been briss the kide but we’ll let it go.

After a kerfuffle between him and a brides groom (he misunderstood what the good reverend had told him to do with the bride, i.e. buck the fride?) Reverend Spooner took leave of England. Arriving in America with his family in the late 1870s, he spent a few years traveling around, ending up in Wisconsin. Drawn to the state because of the last three letters in its name, he hoped to make a difference in peoples lives. He wound up in northern Wisconsin and in 1882 founded the town with his namesake—Spooner. He still spoke in the same manner with the British accent and even though most people didn’t understand what he was saying, they began talking like him. Unable to stop the proliferation of this odd way of speaking, due mainly to inbreeding, many people in the town talk that way even today.

Up until the time of his death, Rev. Spooner said that the people of Spooner were not hell-weeled.

Now, some examples of my own spoonerisms. I made up a number of them and here are a few of my favorites put into sentences:

A phone call won’t make your cone fall. Bang your head or hang your bed, which do you prefer? The silly bitch wouldn’t save Billy Sitch. You can take my word just don’t wake my turd. Do you have a spinning wheel or a winning spiel? There are nooks and crannies then there are crooks and nannies. It’s good to handle with care but not a candle with hair. I like the Black Crowes and I know that crack blows. Sarah Palin went parasailin’ in the Yukon—naked. Friar Tuck drove a fire truck. You can take a shower but you can’t shake a tower. With your rat in a cage is your cat in a rage? Being hot in a shed is better then getting shot in the head. Do you wear a funny hat when you’re on your honey so fat? When fighting a bear it could be a one sided biting affair. Lying on a flat bed hoping that the bat fled. A tough man doesn’t need a muff tan, but a fat man needs a mat fan. While eating your oatmeal, beware of the moat eel. When you’re eating a trail mix, watch for male tricks. I will leave the words stock car, rock king and bunt cake up to your imagination. Also, if your last name is Farley, please don’t name your child Chuck U. Lastly, the name on the cover is a spoonerism and aliens have been known to frequent that store!

Those are some of mine. Maybe you can come up with some of your own, make it a family activity.

The Elvis Conspiracy

Back in the mid to late 50s’ there were a number of young pioneers of rock n roll. Eddie Cochran, Buddy Holly, Bobby Darin, the Big Bopper, Johnny Horton and Ritchie Valens to name a few. They all fit into a specific category, they were young good looking lady killers, R & R rebels with full heads of hair. In other words up and coming competition to Elvis Presley. And big E didn’t like it.

Now Elvis knew that he was the coolest and best around. His songs and moves were top hip, even gyrating his hips just below the cameras on Ed Sullivan. His movies were well, he was no James Dean and he knew it. That bothered him and not even acting classes would help. The E man had the persuasive Colonel Parker as his manager; a flamboyant hustler with lots of inside connections. Apparently Him and the Colonel felt those other guys were garnering much of the attention and money away from them. It has been generally acknowledged that they had them offed. Oh I know there were car accidents, plane crashes and assorted fatal diseases, but nothing that the Colonel couldn’t arrange. How? Simple really—the Memphis Mafia.

They had their fingers in plenty of underground activities, what would a few dead rockers and rebels mean to them? Who would miss them? A few fans but certainly not their parents. To the parents, Elvis was fairly safe with his smooth voice and B grade movies. Plus, as far as the parents were concerned, the fewer the teen idols the better.

So one by one the competition started to die off. Holly, Cochran, Bopper, Darin, Horton, Valens and Dean, all of them were dead within a matter of a few years. Jerry Lee Lewis and Conway Twitty saw what was happening so they turned to country western. Chuck Berry and Little Richard posed a small threat except to the white parents of the kids.

Elvis pretty much had the field to himself. Sure there people like Bobby Rydell, Neil Sedaka, Ricky Nelson and Roy Orbison, but they were small potatoes except maybe Orbison, and after all, you can’t kill everyone! Even Pat Boone played it smart and got out of R&R even though E didn’t know who Boone was.

WOW! Elvis kicked ass!!!

Elvis had connections all over the world. He hung around with Tricky Dick Nixon (I never forgave Him for that). He was able to put out hits on almost all of his musical foes, at least the ones that counted. Combine Elvis and the Colonel with the Memphis Mafia and you had a very deadly combination.

Apparently though He must’ve stepped on someones toes because we all know what His