When Life Gives You Children: Knowledge is Power

By Izzy Rehaume

When Life Gives You Children provides a humorous, yet realistic, view of parenting - and especially single parenting. Written from the perspective of a long-haired musician, single dad of four boys, Izzy tells it like it is in the hopes of helping those who are considering having children understand the realities of parenting.
While most parenting advice books are written from a clinical “what to do” after it happens viewpoint, When Life Gives You Children, is a “Look Before You Leap” book focusing on the constant day-to-day mental and physical challenges of parenting.

• Language: English
• Publisher: UnionSquarePublishing
• Release date: Aug 6, 2018
• ISBN: 9781946928092

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Can you say, INSANE?! I too was an expert at raising kids—before I had them. I would watch other parents lose their cool at the grocery store and say to myself, Boy, I would never treat my kids that way. Yeah, well… Other than learning a few dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) along the way, I quickly discovered just how far from being an expert I truly was.

In this day and age, there are many types of parents. They come in all sorts of ages, shapes, and sizes—old ones, tall ones, skinny ones, and rich ones too! However, all parents have one thing in common—RESPONSIBILITY!

As a parent, you are thrown onto a never-ending, vacillating mental treadmill of obligation, dedication, and complete devotion. From the initial lusty howl of your very first newborn, your aura transforms. You will valiantly don the parenthood mantle, trumpeting out, Behold, I Am Parent: Responsible, Accountable, Reliable, and Faster than a Speeding Bullet!

Make no mistake about it! Your newborn’s arrival is a cunning infiltration and acquisition of your complete mind, body, and spirit! As with all newborns around the world, it starts out with their helpless and beguiling cries, as they lay so innocently in their new little cribs, and ends with all of their parent’s undying and fixated attention wrapped around their every whim! Parents don’t see it happen right away, but their firstborn slowly and methodically clears the way for the arrival of the younger siblings (i.e., his or her army of lieutenants).

After several years of introspection and wondering what the heck happened, it finally dawns on you—this process is simply your child’s way of forging and shaping you into becoming his or her Sword and Shield. In other words, kids need a challenging yet safe environment from which to learn, and like most parents, you’ll eagerly agree to their plans. After all, who could say no to such cute little bundles of joy?

As Sword and Shield, you become Protector, Defender, Provider, Loyal Subject, Patsy, and Mule. You name it, that’s you! Your children become the whimsical hands, pulling and tugging at your strings as you stumble, frolic, and dance around them like their personal marionette!

Throughout each day, your puppeteers (a.k.a. your children) test the strength, honor, courage, and devotion that their new puppet can provide. From challenging their teachers at school, to antagonizing the cashiers at the store, to even pitting you against yourself, they’ll forge, and shape, and forge, and shape their hand-crafted, Sword and Shield.

After years of this coercive persuasion, you will become as malleable and suggestible as a newborn baby puppy. The only difference is that this molding and shaping also comes with a reinforced, laser-precision, blind obedience trigger. You’ll do anything to protect and defend this little army—even if it drains every last breath of life out of you.

And, as thousands of parents before you, you’ll find yourself charging head-on through that never-ending and ever-growing battlefield of commitment, obligation, and patience. Yeah, good old patience: The bearing of provocation, annoyance, and pain without complaint or irritation or loss of temper… Yup, patience: The painstaking ability to endure—FOR LIFE—the effects caused by your children.

Before I had kids of my own, the word patience didn’t mean much to me at all. I was minding my own business and living my life, free as a bird, and choosing my battles wisely. However, after the little monst… I mean children, came along, I learned the word patience did in fact have meaning; but, along with a lot of my hair, I seemed to have lost it somewhere. I was no longer able to choose my battles. I was catapulted into the front lines of my children’s lives—forever.

Unless you have the attributes of a perfect and flawless human being, you might as well check yourself into the nearest Loony Lollipop Factory! Even if you consider yourself to be an atheist and have never prayed before, this will be the time when you start. In fact, you’ll be praying all the time. At first, you quietly pray to yourself; and then, as the years go by, your prayers crescendo into an emphatic imploring, God save me! Oh God, please save me!

Eventually, you have no choice but to become a completely deranged, sleep-deprived, over-caffeinated, bug-eyed parent, sitting on the floor in your favorite corner babbling incoherently and playing Twiddly-Lips with your fingers! Ah, yes. Your little corner. Your chapel of solace. You will come to know it very well.

Actually, it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s WORSE! Much worse! When your second child is born, you’re not just a parent anymore. Nope. You’ve just been assigned a new position: Referee! Yup! That’s right. And with two or more kids, you’ve just been established as the lifelong referee in a game of, Kill the Ref!

When you become a parent, you will find you also write off many things. You’ll naturally trade in your personal plans, projects, and goals—as well as all of your money, sleep, and time—for soggy, poop-filled diapers! Most of all, parenting leads to the loss of the only thing you really started out with: YOUR MIND! And don’t even try to remember what sex was. That’s out. Besides, sex is what got you to trade in your sanity for parenthood in the first place. There’s an old and wise saying, He who plays with… ah, never mind. If you’re already a parent, it’s probably too late for that.

Ah, yes, those sweet and innocent little creatures our grandparents and elderly strangers sometimes refer to as little angels possess the ability to smash, level, devastate, ravage, demolish, rip, annihilate, extinguish, and ultimately destroy the once sound and healthy minds of their parents. Our kids, what would we ever do without them?

If you want mind-boggling, spine-tingling, nail-biting, anxiety-filled, cliff-hanging thrills by the minute, that’s what you get When Life Gives You Children! This pandemonium of screams, whistles, and water bills will suck every gasp of life out of you with such a high rate of velocity, you’ll have no doubt you’ve been thrown down the greatest rabbit hole of them all!

So welcome to parenthood! And may God have mercy on your soul!

(Special Note: While this book is not intended to be a biography, all of the experiences shared are true to the author, but the names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Look before you leap for as you sow, ye are like to reap.

SAMUEL BUTLER

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children.

MARK TWAIN

1

PREGNANCY & BIRTH

The hostile takeo… Er, I mean, child rearing usually begins several months prior to the actual birth. And, in most cases, becoming a parent means both parents become pregnant—which leads to each parent developing their own perspective of what their particular roles are in being a parent.

The Father’s Perspective…

From pregnancy on, the expectant mother uses this time to simply lay around the house relaxing her days into a tranquil bliss, while the expectant father, without a second thought, devotes and caters all of his selfless love, care, and undivided attention to his mate’s every whim and need.

Prior to going to work each day (digging ditches with his bare hands in the sub-zero degree, dead-of-icy-freezing-cold-winter weather), the expectant father will fluff his true love’s pillows, rub her tired, aching feet, and give her a full body massage with the warm body oils that he has so thoughtfully heated up an hour earlier on the fire he quietly built in the fireplace. He’ll also make sure everything she needs is only a fingertip away; such as the remote for the TV, her favorite reading materials, beloved ice cream bars, and a hot pot of tea (ready for her to pour throughout the rest of the morning while he is away).

While the father-to-be is at work, he will risk his job and life by sneaking away on company time to call home every hour ensuring that his beloved sweetheart is safe and sound. And, during his lunch breaks, he rushes home to prepare and serve her favorite brunch of freshly cut relishes and a bowl of steaming hot soup to keep her snuggled and warm.

After a quick (yet soothing) foot massage while humming his precious angel a gentle lullaby to ease her back into her peaceful slumber, he tenderly kisses her forehead and quietly makes his exit. Blowing his warm and happy home a kiss, he then pushes his car down the cold and icy street before jumping in and starting it, so as not to disturb or startle her… Off to his slavish, never-ending, dead-end job he goes.

He arrives home from work every night with a different bouquet of flowers and a new poem he’s written especially for her. He immediately and graciously prepares and serves her a romantic, candle-lit dinner complete with freshly squeezed, sparkling fruit juices, as romantic melodies quietly flow from the stereo.

To conclude their evenings, the expectant father then pours his dreamboat a warm bubble-bath and slowly massages hot oils onto her vulnerable, soft shoulders… Preparing himself for the standard midnight runs to the store for the ingredients to make her favorite artichoke & peanut butter ice cream sandwiches. Ah, marital bliss.

The Mother’s Perspective…

To the father’s complete (yet understanding) astonishment, mom’s recollection of this time period is blurred with vague delusions of her having to slave over a hot oven all day while at the same time scrubbing and cleaning the walls, floors, and ceilings with her bare fingernails and teeth… Not to mention catering to the expectant father and all his drinking buddies as they simply lay around on the couch watching football and drinking beer all day… Fortunately, these hallucinations can easily be dismissed as symptoms of, Postpartum Depression. Unfortunately, and to the father’s utter dismay, there is no cure for this lifelong illness.

The Pregnancy…

Sometime during the eighth month of pregnancy the mother-to-be all of a sudden realizes she’s going to have a baby. As a result, she decides it’s time to make way for the long-awaited arrival. This is called the nesting period. Along with cleaning and scrubbing the walls and floors behind every