The Beautiful Chaos of Parenting Teens: Navigating the Hardest Years You Will Ever Love

By Leneita Fix

Parents of teens are facing a busy and tumultuous season of life. Leneita Fix shares great insight from the perspective of a parent in the middle of it, and as an experienced ministry leader. She writes like a friend, reminding parents to never give up or pass off parenting to the so-called experts. This book offers parents practical ways to understand each child, communicate more effectively, and maintain a solid heart connection. With transparency and biblical depth, the author provides easy-to-implement advice to help guide teens towards adulthood. The end goal is to keep teenagers headed toward a life in Christ.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Randall House
• Release date: May 3, 2016
• ISBN: 9781614840848

Leneita Fix

Leneita Fix is the missions/trainging coordinator for BowDown Church and Urban Youth Impact in West Palm Beach, Florida. She is the author of No Teenager Left Behind and Everybody's Urban. She has also been featured in several multi-author projects. Leneita has also published Bible studies, leadership curriculum, and parent ministry curriculum with YouthMinistry 360, Group Publishing, InWord, Download Youth Ministry, ParentMinistry, and LeaderTreks. She has spoken to national audiences at conferences and churches such at D6, Simply Youth Ministry, Indiana State United Methodist Conference, CCDA, as well as several local and national trainings. She has worked as a consultant with national ministries in direction of their curriculum and work. One of her greatest joys is serving in ministry as a family with her husband, John, and their four amazing children.

Book preview

Introduction

You remember them. Years ago, they came—those zombie-like creatures who approached you out of nowhere. Dark circles accentuated drooping eyes and parched lips. Shoulders sagging, these walking dead types leered at your babies, toddlers, and preschoolers in tow and hissed, Enjoy these years. One day, you’ll have teenagers.

You laughed it off. No, no, you don’t understand. We just want to leave the house without diaper bags, strollers, and five changes of clothing. We’d like our kids to learn to put their shoes on all by themselves.

Cackling, they croaked, Just. You. Wait. and they limped back into the shadows.

• • • • •

Then it happened. One day you woke up as the parent of tween- or teenagers. No one told you what these years would really be like. No one told you that no matter what choice you make, according to your teen, it’s all wrong. No one told you your child will say things like, I don’t really need a parent anymore as they run out, the door slamming behind them. No one mentioned you will do all the things effective parents of teens aren’t supposed to do. In fact, you’ll do all the things you said you’d never do. You’ll give lectures standing with your hands on your hips. You’ll lose your temper and say things like, How many times have we been over this?

No one warned you of the day your kids would be too old for you to fix a myriad of situations, from school to friends to frenemies. What about the moment you must tell your child that bullies are real and heartbreak comes in lots of flavors? There’s also the first time your kids realize they really aren’t good at something or someone throws the words smart around like an insult.

Part of you longs for the days when you could solve their problems with a fresh diaper and a hug. I’ve worked with teens for twenty-four years, but as a parent of teens there are days I’d love for someone to tell me how to feel less like a failure.

However—there’s hope. Because what we zombie parents sucked into the teen pandemic often forget to say is this: In the middle of all the chaos lies great beauty. You catch a glimpse of it—

•  when your kids actually get your jokes and think they’re funny.

•  when you realize they actually do want your advice.

•  when a hug still makes things better for them, even though you don’t have the right words.

•  when you no longer need a babysitter, and you actually enjoy hanging out with these interesting young people instead of escaping from them.

•  when you can finally spend time in the bathroom uninterrupted. (All right, this may not happen until after they leave home.)

•  when you notice they’re becoming leaders and using words and thoughts you instilled.

•  when you see compassion, selflessness, and even brilliance peek out from behind the quirky demeanor.

Who doesn’t want to give our kids a standing ovation for the times they show us just how magnificent they are? We haven’t forgotten that. But during this season, they may forget. Our job is to show them they can’t hide their wonder behind apathy and lack of self-confidence.

It’s hard to help our kids see who they really are, to hold their face to the mirror and say, You’re made in the image of God. That’s His reflection in there. We may sometimes do it with gritted teeth, but we must keep reminding them of their true identity, of who they were created to be.

#Ilivewithayouthgroup is a hashtag I started using on Twitter while quoting my kids when they entered early middle school. Some people send their children to youth group. I live with one. Here are a few recent quotes:

Dad demands I put my clean clothes away so you know—I have to stuff them in.—as boy slams body against dresser. #ilivewithayouthgroup

I’m glad I have a friend who (like me) thinks about football all the time. You & Dad get tired of football. #ilivewithayouthgroup

How did you & Mom talk to each other when you were young? I mean there was no technology way back then. #howoldamI #ilivewithayouthgroup

When you live with teens & they go somewhere that you aren’t, the first thing you do when they leave?Sit in silence. #ilivewithayouthgroup

Why do adults bother to use punctuation when they text? It takes too much energy. #ilivewithayouthgroup

If I drink a Diet Coke and then eat a Mento, which will blow up first, my mouth or my stomach? #ilivewithayouthgroup

You get the point. My oldest is adopted and almost eight years older than my first biological child. She didn’t come to live with us full-time until she was in high school, so our experience with her was different. But my three biological children are separated by only two and a half years from youngest to oldest. So yes, we had three babies, three toddlers, and—you guessed it—now we have three teens.

No one told my husband and me that raising three, all in adolescence, would be so emotionally exhausting. This is the season of life when our kids like to act as though they don’t need us while at the same time needing us more than ever.

It would often be easier to back off and leave them to do as they please. But we’re still in the learning process. One has left home without becoming an axe murderer, but that hardly makes us experts. Instead, I want to share some things we’re learning along the way. My goal is to share both triumphs and failures as I encourage you not to give up.

This is the heart behind this book. The goal of our time together will be to support, encourage, and give you some fresh ideas to meet your adolescents where they are. For those staring down the barrel of the teen years, I’ve tried to include some practices that you can make part of your daily life today to help ease you into the tumultuous years of raising teens. For those of us in the heat of the fire, these words are meant as a reassurance to keep going.

Try some new approaches, and feel free to share some of yours with me. We’re all learning together. None of us is perfect, and we must remember our kids don’t belong to us but to the Lord. Through this book, I hope to help you find some times and ways to connect back to your children. You’ll often read recurring words and themes, and I pray you will walk away with many practical helps as you travel alongside your kids on the journey toward adulthood.

I’ll also use lots of examples from my children, Bethany, Caleb, and Kaleigh. However, you won’t hear a lot about Crystal, our oldest. As I mentioned, she joined our family later in life, and out of respect to her extended family, I’ve chosen to focus on stories of my biological kids.

Beauty in Action sections at the end of each chapter provide interaction, questions, and steps you can use in your own family to apply what you’ve learned. And you may have heard the old saying, How do you eat an elephant? The answer, of course, is, One bite at a time. Each chapter ends with One Bite for Today, a small activity to help you connect with your kids.

When you see that young parent pushing a stroller down the street, dragging a toddler or two behind, please don’t slink out of the shadows and cackle about the horror of the teen years. I promise: not only can we survive, but we can find ways to thrive—together.

—Leneita Fix

Chapter 1

Excuse Me, Have We Met?

When Your Baby Gets Eaten by Puberty

I never could have imagined how fast her huge blue eyes, strawberry blond hair, and rosy cheeks would capture my heart. We all love newborns, but we’re all afraid to admit that most of them are homely. (We know it’s true, but none of us wants to say it out loud.)

Bethany, our oldest, was the baby who immediately garnered oohs and ahhs, not only from family members (who felt obligated to say such things), but from strangers as well. Once when our little princess was about six months old, John and I left her with family for a date night at a restaurant. A couple sat next to us with their infant, and John decided he should go tell them how cute their baby was. When he returned, I asked, Why did you do that?

Well, everyone always tells us how gorgeous Bethany is. I thought that’s what you say to people who have babies.

"That’s because Bethany is gorgeous. We don’t have to lie."

Now before you judge me, let’s admit it: no matter what anyone else says, we all believe our first is the most adorable child ever. Sure, people may have told us Bethany should have been a baby model, but chances are good someone told you something similar about your little one. We look at that precious face the first time it’s covered in baby food and want to show the world. I filled roll upon roll of film with everything she did. In fact, we still have a mug emblazoned with a photo of her dressed as an angel for her first Christmas.

• Keep Us Posted •

Today, the world of proud parents clutters social media with cherubs dressed up for every occasion, celebrating every month of their first year and any other time Mom and Dad feel like sharing their child’s cuteness. This goes on through the toddler, preschool, and even early elementary years. We can’t get enough of their adorable antics, so we can’t wait for the rest of the world to see them, too.

As I write this, the corners of my lips keep curling upward as memories of our children flood over me from those early years. There were first teeth, words, and steps. The fact that Bethany decided to name her brother Tickle and refused to call him Caleb for the first three years of his life. The years Caleb had to wear a cape everywhere he went. The forlorn look in Kaleigh’s eyes when we told her she couldn’t have a bopple (bottle) any longer. Most parents love to flip through old photos and think back on times like these.

• Wait. What? •

Until one day, we realize our kids aren’t cute anymore. We all know when it starts to happen. The actions that used to be adorable suddenly seem awkward. Their first pimple arrives, their body is growing in strange directions, and we have to gently break the news that two eyebrows are more attractive than one long continuous one. This occurs around the same time we need to inform our kids about hygiene, and if we have a son, the potential misuse of Axe Body Spray. Our single or childless friends stop asking if they can come over to play with the kids. When mine began hitting age nine, even my mom asked, Don’t you guys want any more babies?

No one told John and me that raising three adolescents at once would be so emotionally exhausting. All of a sudden we feel like strangers are living among us. None of the kids wants anything close to a family portrait anymore. Even if I dare to take one, there’s a good chance their brooding posture shrouds those once-amazing smiles. Unfortunately, they’re acutely aware of how gawky they’ve become, petrified that some distant relative will mention how big you’ve gotten. In case you don’t know, teen speak translates statements like this as, You’re fat.

The years have collided on both parent and teen. On the one hand, we’re excited to leave the house without all the paraphernalia associated with infants and toddlers. On the other hand, we wonder if an alien has taken over the body of our formerly delightful child. Who is this person with mood swings and deep insecurities?

It doesn’t help, either, that their classmates have now become piranhas. Every day some friend points out that they’re too short, tall, fat, skinny, smart, dumb, or whatever the source of our child’s deepest anxiety. My son, Caleb is a late bloomer and (like many boys his age) a little on the short side. Since the day he turned ten, we haven’t been able to convince him that he will indeed grow someday. And we appreciate the way his friends make sure to point out his small size, too. (In case you didn’t catch it, that was sarcasm.) In his mind, those comments only solidify what he knew about himself all along: he’s not good enough.

But I wish this budding self-doubt and emotional swings only had to do with their looks. Instead, those pubescent hormones that cause bodies to morph also affect the way they see themselves and the world around them. I can remember when my eldest, Bethany, first entered these years. I came into her room one night to find her sobbing uncontrollably. Gathering her in my arms, I stroked her hair while begging her to share what was wrong. It’s raining today, and I really wanted it to be sunny.

I was stunned. That was it? I probed a little. Maybe there was more to it? Was there something we were supposed to do outside that I’d forgotten about? Nope. She just didn’t want rain that day because she didn’t want it.

To be truthful, I was at a loss at what compassion should look like in this situation. I hugged her and let her know the proverbial and literal sun would come out tomorrow, so today, we would take advantage of the rain.

Unfortunately, this was not the final conversation like this. Instead, it was just the beginning. All of a sudden, each of my confident children became an indecisive pile of melting, mushed-up nerves. Those who once stood out from the crowd now had an unwavering need to fit in.

The puberty monster is devouring our kids, and we parents are at a loss. Sure, others had told us this day would come. And I genuinely thought I was ready. After all, I’ve spent the better part of twenty-four years pouring into teenagers in full-time ministry. When I’m not working with them directly, I’m writing resources for them or blogging about ways to better connect with them. In short, my whole career has been focused on helping teens and their parents.

I loved my own kids as babies, but I

Reviews for The Beautiful Chaos of Parenting Teens

[Colleen Fey Drummond · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is so great, I'll be referring back to it! If you want the best for your teen, it's worth keeping a copy.