Can We Help Us?: Growing up Bi-Racial in America

By Timothy Shepard

Growing up in the sixties was bad enough, but to grow up in the sixties as an inter-racial kid
was really bad. Th e blacks, who were already being openly hated for being black, didnt accept me
because I was half white and the whites didnt accept me because I was black. No one seemed
to accept me except a few from either side; and this was inside my own family. I didnt meet my
mothers father until I was fourteen. I was being prepared for the real world that was all too ready
to jump right in line and pick up where my family left off or may have missed a lesson or two.
Why did these and more, much more happen to me?
Because if youre going through hell right now or been through it; been abused; thinking of
hurting yourself or someone else; thinking of suicide; thinking no one loves you or ever could;
thinking no one cares; this is why I went through what you have to read in this book to believe.
It was for you.
Blessed be GOD, even the Father of our Lord JESUS CHRIST, the Father of mercies, and the
GOD of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any
trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of GOD.
For as the suff erings of CHRIST abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by CHRIST.
And whether we be affl icted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is eff ectual in the
enduring of the same suff erings which we also suff er: or whether we be comforted, it is for your
consolation and salvation. 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 KJV.
Th erefore being justifi ed by faith, we have peace with GOD through our Lord JESUS CHRIST:
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of
the glory of GOD.
And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience:
And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of GOD is shed abroad in our hearts by the
Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
For when we were yet without strength, in due time CHRIST died for the ungodly.
For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even
dare to die.
But GOD commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, CHRIST died
for us. Romans 5: 1-8 KJV.
And the grace of our Lord was exceeding abundant with faith and love which is in CHRIST JESUS.
Th is is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that CHRIST JESUS came into the world
to save sinners; of whom I am chief.
Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me fi rst JESUS CHRIST might show forth all longsuff
ering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on Him to life everlasting.
Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever
and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1: 14-17 KJV.
Can We Help Us? T I M O T H Y S H E P H A R D

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jun 24, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456754617

Timothy Shepard

Growing up in the sixties was bad enough, but to grow up in the sixties as an inter-racial kid was really bad. The blacks, who were already being openly hated for being black, didn’t accept me because I was half white and the whites didn’t accept me because I was black. No one seemed to accept me except a few from either side; and this was inside my own family. I didn’t meet my mother’s father until I was fourteen. I was being prepared for the real world that was all too ready to jump right in line and pick up where my family left off or may have missed a lesson or two. Why did these and more, much more happen to me? Because if you’re going through hell right now or been through it; been abused; thinking of hurting yourself or someone else; thinking of suicide; thinking no one loves you or ever could; thinking no one cares; this is why I went through what you have to read in this book to believe. It was for you. Blessed be GOD, even the Father of our Lord JESUS CHRIST, the Father of mercies, and the GOD of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of GOD. For as the sufferings of CHRIST abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by CHRIST. And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 KJV. Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with GOD through our Lord JESUS CHRIST: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of GOD. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience: And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of GOD is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time CHRIST died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But GOD commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, CHRIST died for us. Romans 5: 1-8 KJV. And the grace of our Lord was exceeding abundant with faith and love which is in CHRIST JESUS. This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that CHRIST JESUS came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. Howbeit for this cause I obtained mercy, that in me first JESUS CHRIST might show forth all long-suffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on Him to life everlasting. Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1: 14-17 KJV.

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© 2011 Timothy Shephard. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 6/21/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-5461-7 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-5462-4 (dj)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-5888-2 (sc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011908068

Printed in the United States of America

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

HE knew me before I was.

Chapter 2

No. It was not our fault!

Chapter 3

My Family?

Chapter 4

Pastor and I

Chapter 5

Praise GOD for the Akron Black Firefighters

Chapter 6

How I Met Her

Chapter 7

Will You Marry Me? Resistance Is Futile.

Chapter 8

The Two Month Honeymoon Is Over?

Chapter 9

GOD, Why Do YOU Love me?

Chapter 10

Total Reassurance Under Stressful Times

Chapter 11

Marriage and Celibacy

Chapter 12

Song of Love

Chapter 13

Who is Down Low?

Chapter 14

Who’s Raising Yours, While You’re Raising His, While He’s Raising Mine, While I’m Raising Hers?

Chapter 15

Thank You.

Chapter 16

From Me To You, How I See HIM.

Can We Help Us?

November 21, 2007

November 25, 2007

1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with GOD through our LORD JESUS CHRIST: 2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of GOD.

3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of GOD is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. 6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time CHRIST died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8 But GOD commendeth HIS love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, CHRIST died for us. 9 Much more then, being now justified by HIS blood, we shall be saved from wrath through HIM. 10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to GOD by the death of HIS Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by HIS life. 11 And not only so, but we also joy in GOD through our Lord JESUS CHRIST, by whom we have now received the atonement. (Romans 5:1-11 KJV).

This is what GOD gave me to write to you as the beginning of HIS letter to you.

I pray that GOD through our LORD JESUS CHRIST will give me the words to write in this book to you and that these words will bless you as much as this humble life I am living with HIS blessings has blessed me.

December 10, 2007;

Introduction

I have never written a book before but as I was watching a pastor on television today, he said something that I liked; he was going to show people giving their testimonies and I really liked that because this is exactly what I will be doing, sharing my testimony with you of my life from as far back as I can remember to now and as much as I receive from GOD to share with you.

I pray this prayer everyday before I write;

FATHER GOD in CHRIST JESUS’ Holy Sweet Precious Name i pray and give thanks to YOU, our FATHER in heaven, the GOD of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. FATHER GOD in JESUS name I pray that YOU will please give me the words to write into YOUR book that YOU will receive all the praises and glory forever and ever, a man. That everyone who reads it will be saved by the blood of CHRIST JESUS our LORD and Savior and come to know YOU intimately. And that in all things, YOU will receive all the praises and glory forever and ever; a men a men, and again I say a men. In CHRIST JESUS’ Holy Sweet Precious NAME I pray and give thanks to YOU my FATHER in Heaven forever and ever, a men.

I pray this prayer everyday before I write in this book that HE will give me the words to write to you that it will allow you to see who HE really is. I don’t want to preach to you or tell you about a religion but through my life of trials and tribulations, I hope you will see clearly how and WHO has blessed me to still be alive. At forty-seven years young, I finally know who GOD, CHRIST JESUS, and HIS Holy Spirit really is and just now understand why I have gone through what I have gone through.

Understanding this has been a true blessing in my life and made me appreciate what a blessing it is to have gone through something for the glory of GOD and to know how blessed I am that HE has and is using me for HIS glory. There is no better or higher reason to live life than to live it for the ONE who has created the universes and all that is inside and outside of them. That is the reason why I started the book with Roman’s chapter 5: 1-11. That to me is the whole theme of this book I believe, to glorify GOD and our LORD and Savior JESUS CHRIST. Glory be to GOD.

This book will be for the one who is lost in hell, been to hell and back, or still trying to get out of hell. It is not for the one who sees him/herself above or equal to GOD and who needs nothing but themselves because to me, you are already lost to the demon. But to the one who is desperately seeking help and answers to your life and trying to understand why me? read on and be blessed my brother/sister.

I now know the power of prayer and the blessing of waiting on GOD. So I pray to GOD and as I am obedient and share what I really do not at all want to share with you, everything of my life that GOD tells me to; that HE will bless you and me.

To the critic, well I work and live for my FATHER GOD and Savior CHRIST JESUS and I guess someone has to work for satan so, better you than me.

The definition GOD has given me for PRIDE:

Personal Righteousness Is Deemed Excellent. You are above GOD and everyone else and that is why this world is in such a bad state because only an absolute fool who is absolutely devoted and committed to satan would and could think such an extremely dumb and dangerous thought as that, so when you exercise your pride muscles that is exactly what you are doing.

The definition GOD has given me for LOVE:

Loving Others Very Existence; I believe that is why we are here and given another chance each time GOD wakes us to another beautiful day and why HE sacrificed HIS only begotten SON to such torture, pain, suffering, and ultimately death on the cross because HE Loves our very existence so much that HE first sent CHRIST JESUS to teach us and then show us by HIS ultimate sacrifice so that we would follow HIM and love others very existence and if we do this, then we will in fact be just like CHRIST JESUS.

I am not a pastor or religious leader; I am however, someone who has been to hell and brought back to life by GOD HIMSELF through the love of HIS SON CHRIST JESUS and that is what I plan to share with you as best I can just as the apostles did in their lives and in writing the Bible and prayingly you too will be brought back from the depths of hell where you are or where you have been but for whatever reason have still been stuck not quite in hell but not quite arriving at life either. I pray that we will bless each other as we share this journey of GOD’S love together for each other.

Chapter 1

HE knew me before I was.

On December 18, 1960, GOD had set into motion one of HIS uncountable plans unbeknownst to anyone else. I was born to a young black man fresh out of the Army and a white woman fresh out of West Virginia. She and her two sisters had never seen a black person before and were very intrigued about these people that their dad called niggers. Their dad also told them to leave them alone or else. Well obviously their curiosity got the best of them because I’m writing you.

He was six foot one inch tall, slim dark skinned and had the fastest and prettiest yellow and white Ford Fairlane Five Hundred in his Ford Fairlane Five Hundred club and it was cleeeeeeeean too buddy. She was a very beautiful five foot eleven inch Amazon woman and it was on when they met. She also had one older sister who also liked these black guys but her younger sister stayed closer to home and dated only white guys. When the two sisters started liking them black guys, their dad warned them that if they continued to mess with them niggers that they would be disowned by him and put out of the family, well they married them two black guys and here I am.

Everything was really exciting in the beginning with both of them being really proud of each other. She and her sister were always looking good. They never left home without looking like they had just stepped out of some Hollywood magazine. They actually got married because my mother got pregnant with me which may have had something to do with their later unhappiness. Somewhere during this same time, my Auntie met and married her young black stud as well.

Unfortunately as what usually happens in so many marriages, something somewhere went really, really wrong. Somewhere during this exciting time of leaving home and starting their own family, society crept in and they began to fight. I mean everyone fights in a relationship but this is not your normal relationship fighting though. This is fighting. According to my mother, I was born with two black eyes from where I got socked by my dad while in her stomach. My Uncle told me it wasn’t true when I asked him. Let your mom tell you at the ripe young age of about seven or eight that you were born with two black eyes and see how you feel.

My earliest memories I can remember is climbing up the stairs with my Uncle Tom at my grandparent’s house when I was too small to walk. I don’t know about you but I have some memories when I was very small and most were pretty good. I have many memories of my uncle because he was the one that was always stuck babysitting me. He was pretty cool though; as well as my grandfather.

I can remember riding with my uncle in his new car, yes, a Ford Fairlane but it was the calm version. He wasn’t really into the speed thing. But he did a lot of things with me. There were a lot of positive memories from my grandfather’s house. I can remember my grandmother dipping snuff and she would spit over people’s cars that were in the driveway and telling them and sometimes even betting them that she wouldn’t get a drop on their cars. About ninety nine percent of the time she didn’t either. She would stand on the back porch, which was about three steps above the driveway and walkway and would let her rip. If she did get any on a car though, it was just a spot or two because she was deadly accurate with that snuff stream. She would put Clint Eastwood to shame and make him proud at the same time.

My dad had five siblings but I was only really close to two of them, my Uncle Tom and my Auntie Ethel. She always had mad love for me and had always accepted me from the first time I can remember her. We’ll have more on that later. I can remember playing with my two half brothers over Gramps’ house, (that’s what we called our grandfather). We used to play cars in the yard. All you needed was a stick and that was your steering wheel, your body was the car, and your feet were the wheels of your car. You couldn’t run though, that was one of the few rules we had but you could walk really fast. Of course you had to back up sometimes because it needed to be real; I mean this was our training for the real thing you know. At least that’s what we used to say. Oh yeah, then there was those darn accidents that just seemed to happen.

The neighbor kids used to laugh at us for playing cars because some claimed they were already getting little girls while we were playing like little kids. We were pretty square though. You wouldn’t know we were square though as much as we got whipping’s in the basement.

We were half brothers and sister because we had the same dad but different moms. All our dad needed was the right wind to blow and you were getting waxed. It would get so good to my dad that when he was getting one, he would remember stuff from long ago and would tell you what it was, when it was, and how it was, and then it was your turn. I can’t remember him ever whooping just one of us; it just got too good to him. But gramps’ whipping’s was even worse, though not as often, just because he had one of those trees on the devil strip that had those branches that grew these things that were like whips growing from the tree limbs and he would make us go get our own switch and if you brought back a little one he’d be like, oh you think you slick ha, what am I supposed to do with this? That’s all right, I’ll get my own switch, and when he came back he brought half the tree back with him and it was on. Believe me; we learned pretty quickly to get a good one so he didn’t have to get a real good one.

Gramp’s and my Uncle Tom had the job of being daddy to my brother’s and me. My dad didn’t really talk very much with us. When he was talking to us it was usually when he had us in one hand and a belt in the other hand. So when we wanted to talk or ask some fatherly advice, we’d ask Gramp’s or our Uncle Tom.

If I wasn’t at my grandparents’ house, I could ask my mother anything because we had a very close relationship. My mom had a son one year after me. His name was Eric Maurice Shephard, but he died after only three days, so she was pretty strict on me for fear of something happening to me. I had to be in before dark and then I was left talking to my friends through my screened window until she felt it was too late or if my dad was home. If he was there I had to whisper or get a you know what for not laying down and going to sleep even if it was the weekend. I think I was about in my teens before I could stay out until ten o’clock on the weekends because you know it gets dark around nine o’clock in the summer time.

When I went to my mother’s sister Aunt Sues’ house on the east side is where I could feel some freedom because that’s when I would be with my two cousins. They were both girls with one older and one younger but my aunt was pretty laxed on them so you know I tried to spend all summer there and usually did. Unless my mom would say that my dad said I had to come home to feed our dog. Talk about busting my bubble. I think when I stayed there too long my dad would have whipping withdraws and need me to come home to do something so he could give me a whipping and get that whipping fix.

Oh yea, we always had dogs. When I was born we had a police German Shepard and then when he died I got my first of many dogs, his name was Poochy. I couldn’t begin to tell you what he was. My mom and dad took me to pick him out of a litter and he and I just clicked, I mean love at first sight. I don’t know if I had even started school yet but I remember picking him up like it was this morning. He was a real light tan and some kind of mix of what ever but he was mine.

Being an only child, he was like my little brother. I loved feeding him and playing with him and never ever got tired of him even though I’m sure he probably got tired of me. As we both grew I began taking on my dad’s nature, which of course included giving Poochy whippings. The only difference though between my dad and me is that I would cry after I did it because it would make me so sad to do to him what my dad did to me. Sometimes I just couldn’t help it though. I didn’t know at the time but I would have so much anger in me that it would come out sometimes on Poochy.

Poochy was like a little brother to me and the best part was that he was accepted by my mother. My real brothers that I had, I always had to fight for. My mother didn’t want anything to do with them and didn’t want them in her house. I remember fighting with her about them coming to get me. They’d walk over from their house to get me and I’d tell her that I was going to play with my brothers and she’d say, "You don’t have any brothers your brother died when he was three days old, remember? I only had one and that is you. Those are your daddy’s kids by his first wife. I simply refused to not call them my brothers. She didn’t like that they would come over either but I would fight with her and remind her that they had nothing to do with what daddy did and that they didn’t dislike her and to just wait until they came to get me and she’d see. Of course when they’d come over, she had nothing to do with them.

She stopped being nasty to them when we kept getting into arguments over them. Most of the times I was walking to their house and their mother never treated me bad or indifferent. She was black which probably didn’t have anything to do with it but even though I was mixed and my mother treated her kids so bad, she always treated me with love. Whenever I wasn’t with them, I was either with my two friends down the street or with my other friend across the street and if not with them then I was in the backyard playing with my GI Joes and Poochy.

Being the only child, I had every kind of toy there was. My mother would sit me down at the kitchen table and she’d let me pick out all the toys I wanted from these different catalogs and she’d tell me we were sending the list to Santa Claus. Of course we had my birthday first though. Being one week before Christmas, by the time I had gotten through all the birthday toys it was time to start opening Christmas presents. I remember my mother wouldn’t get me a train set so I asked my grandmother (her mother), and it was under the tree. We’d have to put all the birthday toys in the side room so we could make room for Santa Claus to bring the new toys. Being the only child, my toys were my escape from the reality of my home life.

I remember my cousin telling me there was no such thing as Santa Claus and my mother was mad at her. If I’m not mistaken she came real close to giving her a whipping. My mother would always tell me to enjoy my childhood because you only get it one time and when it’s gone, it’s gone. Then you had to start working and paying bills and that’s when all the fun stops. Of course I didn’t think having to go outside to escape the daily battle going on inside our house in the summertime and in the winter was fun. You know as a kid you can deal with the cold a lot better than you can as an adult.

The only bad part about being outside is everybody would hear my dad call me, which was very embarrassing. I think I had to be in or past high school before my dad ever said my actual name. As a child my name was boy. Whenever he would call me it was boy. Hey boy, come ere. Say boy, come ere. Say little ugly boy, come ere. Where dat lil ugly boy of mine at? Say boy, get yo’ lil ugly butt over here. I was either boy, ugly boy, ugly stankin boy, or lil ugly stankin boy.

Ah but then there was the exclamation point on it, which would be the knuckle tapping to the forehead. It would be like; Didn’t I tell you to come here lil ugly boy? (Knuckle would start tapping my forehead, each tap a little harder than the last until he stopped or I fell) don’t let me have to call you more than once again hear? When I call you boy whatever you doin you better be gettin yo lil ugly butt over here and find out what I want, you here me wich-yo lil ugly butt?

My friends would never call me that or tease me of it but they would ask me, why does your dad always call you that or hit you with his knuckles. Don’t that hurt? Of all the kids on my street, and I mean the whole street, I was the only one whose dad didn’t know or use their name. Everybody’s dad always called them by their name. Heck their parents always called me by my name. However, my dad would call my friends by their names. I was the only one who got the boy treatment. The bigger and meaner kids that knew us would call me boy or when my dad would call me from the front door they would echo him to make sure I heard it and of course then they’d laugh. That boy thing caused a lot of battles between my parents too.

My mother hated when my dad called me boy. His name is not boy it’s Timothy. It’s on his birth certificate if you can read. That was the usual response. Or my mother would say, don’t answer him until he learns your name. Yeah right. Make a stand and we’ll stand together. We were getting whooped anyway but why add any extra to it you know? Plus, there was no way I was making any kind of stand. Of course it never changed anything because he still called me boy and she’d still get mad about it. I remember him calling me boy ever since I remember him. It didn’t bother me until I started developing friends and he’d call me that when I was with my friends. That’s when it would bother me because it would embarrass me really bad.

A lot of our problems, in my opinion, were due to some serious control and manipulation that really got out of hand. I myself wouldn’t realize it until I was an adult and different things would play themselves out but it would make clear a lot of things, as sad as they may have been. I really didn’t know that my dad didn’t like me as a kid. Actually he probably hated me. Why would I say that? Because of what I learned as I grew and asked the two of them questions and just simply watching, living and remembering.

Like when my mom would tell me, you better be careful of that thing, you’re gonna hurt somebody with it. Or, too bad your daddy didn’t take after you. Or, I’m glad you didn’t take after your daddy. Or I feel for the girl on the other end of that thing. This was when I was still in junior high school and had broken my clavicle and needed help bathing. These types of comments actually started when I was in grade school.

So two