Desert Rose

By Karen Smith

A fictional account of the trailer trash lifestyle for overseas contractors working in Iraq which explores and shows the devious people and the mentality of westerners who believe they are above the law. It also hits the nail on the head when highlighting corporate politics, office bullies, male vultures and what poisonous manipulative women can and will get away with just by simply using their vagina as a tool. Desert Rose also shows the rest of the world what life is like for a western woman working in a mans world, as well as the constant battle not to get drawn in to the sleazy world that westerners who not only lack shame with regards to how they conduct their behavior but also the shame they bring on to their own countries whilst been visitors in Iraq. The outside world will never get to see and hear about life as a contractor unless you work in this environment, or unless people start talking about it. Reading about life as a contractor through Mia's journey is as close to the truth as it gets.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Nov 24, 2009
• ISBN: 9781467008235

Karen Smith

Karen Smith is Reader in Higher Education in the School of Education at the University of Hertfordshire. Her research focuses on how higher education policies and practices impact on those who work and study within universities. Karen has worked within educational development and on lecturer development programmes. She holds a Principal Fellowship of the Higher Education Academy and is currently the Director of the University of Hertfordshire’s Professional Doctorate in Education. Karen also leads collaborative research and development in her School, where she engages in externally funded research and evaluation and supports the development of scholarly educational practice through practitioner research.

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© 2010 Karen Smith. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 9/17/2010

ISBN: 978-1-4490-4238-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0823-5 (ebk)

Contents

Preface

1. Running Again

2. The Bombshell

3. Clays True Colours

4. A New Day In Iraq

5. Sleepless Nights

6. New Camp, New Freaks

7. The Cracks Are Showing

8. Clays Return

9. Life after The Attack

10. So Close, Yet So Far

11. Obvious Harassment

12. Returning To the Sandpit

13. Better The Devil You Know

14. Baghdad Bitches At Their Best

15. Losing My Rock

16. Obstructions

17. The Appeal

18. The Sleeper

19. Starting Over

About the Author

For Clint who sent me roses to the Desert, you gave me the best experience and the worst, May be one day we can forgive each other

SKU-000363704_TEXT.pdf

Abbreviations

Defac - Food Canteen

HQ - Head Quarters

Intel - Inteligence

IZ - International Zone

Ops - Operations

Reva - Armoured Vehicle

Squaddie – Soldier

Preface 

Going over to Iraq to work was not the way I planned it, my real ambition was to tour Iraq or Afghanistan with my regiment but due to circumstances I was never able to get out there with the army, after months and months of feeling frustrated, I was told by a friend to work out there as a contractor, I would be doing the same type of job just earning a lot more money, for me it did not matter about the money, I just felt ready to tour so I took the opportunity, I wished it could have been with the British army because I know that what I ended up experiencing over there as a civilian, would never have happened to me as a soldier. No one told me what to expect or what the contracting world was really like until I arrived, I went there with a soldiers heart but realised once I had entered the sand pit or the bubble as everyone likes to refer to it, I had left my naivety back home and that was the rise and fall for me.

The hardest thing for me personally was trying not to lose sight of myself, it was so easy to become like everyone else and feel intoxicated by the money, yet trying to sustain the job you have over there in order to keep earning that kind of money meant I would have had to lose my integrity, and that was not an option for me, I could have had a very lucrative career with prospects of promotion but at a cost of myself worth and going against my morals, It is hard enough that we live in a world today where morals and principles are very few and far between, I just wasn’t in a rush to change mine or myself, there were times I could literally feel the whole bubble changing me so I had to struggle with myself not to lose sight of that, yet at the same time I had to struggle with the powers above and the maliciousness certain types of people that fed off my goodness, been good and honest confused these people, they don’t understand it, for them it was better the devil you know rather than deal with the unknown, that’s the impression I got and I soon realised I was a target for the male vultures and a game of power by these poisonous women.

People don’t like to talk about the contracting world because it is seedy and corrupted through money and power, been a women entering a man’s world I quickly realised I held a lot of power which was simple, I had a vagina and that’s all I needed, forget your resume and what it stands for, forget your experience and were it has got you, as a women you don’t need it, regardless to what anyone says, women hold the power and it is through simple sexual manipulation, It’s the most powerful tool to have in a world full of sexually frustrated men, the only way to survive out there is simple use the tool or get out, It’s a game and if you don’t play the game you won’t survive, if however you do survive without playing the game you will suffer, and there are many silent women suffering over in the sand pit, there is only one rule, you keep your mouth shut to what you see, or hear, I didn’t train as a soldier to have courage and strength to have people try to take that away from me, I learnt the hard way but now I know I was meant to learn the hard way because I have a voice and one that is not afraid to keep closed, I found myself in a very strange situation, at times I tried to do the right thing, yet doing the right thing didn’t work, the more shit I saw happening to other people, the more I started to nosey around, as a Clerk you will be amazed at what you get to see and hear, and as they say knowledge is power, I guess it was the Journalistic writer in me that took over and decided it was time to expose this world and the people in it. This is my diary of my experiences, also the experiences of others who suffered too, those who didn’t have the courage to come forward or speak up, or those who can’t get the justice they deserve, well here it is, I don’t want to change the world or even try and change the stupid game, but for those people out there who destroy people’s lives you should be ashamed of yourselves and the cowards that you are, remember one thing, what you do to others will one day come back to you so if you think you have got away with what you did, think again, life has a way of catching up with you, that’s the beauty of Karma, and to all the companies out there be careful who you employ you just never know who’s already on the inside watching you, this is for people on the outside who need to start waking up to what’s really happening in Iraq and Afghanistan, and to those who are still in the bubble, I can’t give you the justice you deserve but just to tell this story I really hope you find a little piece of mind from it.

1. Running Again 

I finally arrived in Tunisia and I am hoping the sun will get warmer than this, spending almost all of this year in hot climates is fantastic but my body can’t acclimatise to cold weather anymore, been back in England for a week was bad enough, I think I shivered every day until I left, even Germany was especially cold this time around so now I’m hoping the sun warms up, I am not asking for Caribbean sunshine but just warm enough that I don’t have to wear a coat or a jumper and hopefully salvage the rest of the tan I have left, The transfer drive from Monastir Airport was taking too long, what would normally have an hour was taking a lot longer than that, it was like driving down Route Irish in Baghdad were all the Iraqi men stand around doing nothing all day on the side of the roads watching us drive by with hateful eyes because they don’t want us here, it kind of felt like that right now, even here in Tunisia apart from the tourist areas where they need our money of course, It’s almost like everyone hates us westerners been in their countries these days, there’s a notion of distrust in us, I don’t particularly blame them sometimes after all if I can’t trust us why should they plus it’s not like I trust them either, maybe in the cold light of day no one trusts anybody anymore, the world has gone mad with no vision of it looking any better in the future either.

When I finally arrived at my resort I got in to the hotel and what do you know? They didn’t have me in the system, typical shit really one company not been able to do their job but what did I expect I still hadn’t even received my email confirmation hotel receipt yet from the travel company so I guess I should have known this trip wasn’t going to be straight forward as I hoped it would, so through my fake smile and tired eyes, they continued to try to find my reservation, after I finally got my room key a small Tunisian hotel attendant who must be about an inch taller than me and I was only five feet two inches so he decides to drag my suitcase up two flights of stairs, all 26 kilograms, normally I’d feel a little pity but I had been dragging it round airports for the last five hours plus they should get an elevator, once I got into my room I went straight to window to take a gasp at the sea view I was promised, much to my disappointment there was no such view at all apart from the hotel roof tops that needed a good wash down and a repaint and what were supposed to be beautiful green gardens were nothing but sand, more sand, I looked at the man waiting for a tip but he saw the look on my face,

‘’Is the room Ok for you madam’’?

I bluntly tell him,

‘’What do think, were my sea view I was promised?’’

‘’Ok madam come me and we find you good room madam Ok’’

Broken English, great that’s all I needed not that it was his fault , I was just too tired for this shit, so walking all the way back down the corridor he comments to his chambermaid friend knowing I couldn’t understand what their saying, all I did hear was BITCH…I thought you little shit you just lost your 10 Tunisian Dinar tip, maybe I should have said something to him then but I thought that’s fine when they change my room you will be dragging my 26 kilo suitcase with you and you will be thinking bitch then, back at the reception desk I was approached by the main receptionist, the guy looked more Mexican than Tunisian small, bad eye brows and probably hates his job but he knows it pays his bills, and right now I am hating his attitude towards me,

‘’Madam your room is not suitable no? We have no sea rooms, what do you want us to do?’’ ‘

‘’Well if you have no sea view rooms can you find me a room will a view that doesn’t look like the remains of bomb site’’

Ok maybe I didn’t say it out loud but I was thinking it,

‘’Just a decent view would be nice thanks’’

‘’Ok madam he take now’’

once my little friend finally got my new room key he storms ahead in front of me and the noise of my clanking cowboy boots behind him trying to keep up was enough to wake up anyone trying to sleep, once we found my room I walked straight to the window and what do I find, a lovely sea view behind the trees, as I turn to face my little friend he holds his breathe for what he thinks is going to be more disappointment,

‘’I thought you had no sea views left’’

‘’You like madam’’

‘’Of course I do why didn’t they give me this one in the first place’’

‘’Don’t know give me old key I take it back’’

First I told him I wanted to go for my bags now, the reaction on his face told a thousand words, once we got back to the old room after what felt like a mile away he starts dragging my suitcase down the steps and this starts to annoy the shit out of me, so I tell him to let me help him but he won’t let me, once we get into the court yard he lets go and kicks it down six short steps and at this point I had had enough of him, shouting over to him wasn’t pleasant for me

‘’What the fuck are doing’’

‘’Too heavy madam’’

‘’I don’t give a shit you don’t kick my suitcase down the steps you tell me and I help you. Moron’’

as I picked my suitcase off the floor I noticed that the main handle has snapped off completely, I think my look of disgust to him was enough for him to realise we were not going to be friends, once I finally got into my room and sent him packing without a tip, I looked around for Internet socket to hook up my laptop to check if anyone in the world was missing me at all, and as I realised their wasn’t I dialled about 14 different numbers until I finally get the man on the reception desk who could not understand a word of English and who was clearly taught to say two words thinking it would please us English

‘’Ok madam’’

Imagine how frustrating this is after asking him

‘’Do you have Internet access at all in this hotel?’’

‘’Ok madam’’

What the fuck!! and then if that wasn’t bad enough the man simply hangs up the phone on me, reeling with anger I’m in two minds as to go down stairs and start giving them shit, but I knew I wouldn’t because when it comes to confrontation I’m not that good at it unless someone has humiliated me publicly enough and then I really lose it, I also knew I couldn’t let myself get too angry because I had just found out I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant, which was a shock, after all I wasn’t planning to have children yet seeing as I love my career and travelling to much, I knew I wasn’t ready for a child but was I ever going to be, now I had to decided to keep the baby, I hadn’t even spoken to the father yet which was making my stomach turn. Me and my ex boyfriend where not at all on good terms, to be more specific I felt nothing but hate for him right now so this pregnancy couldn’t have happened at a worse time, and realistically I knew Clay was very unreliable so the thought of him been a father was not a good option for the child, Clay was your typical all American ex Marine, 6 foot tall Blond hair blue eyes, thinks he’s god’s gift to women but I never liked him for his looks, if anything his look was the complete opposite to what I look for in a man anyway, some women like blond men, don’t get me wrong if he had a six pack toned stomach and a tan to go with it, he could be mistaken him for an Australian surfing dude, but that wasn’t the case here, the truth is I can’t even think about him without a sudden sense of hatred I feel towards him and with my hormones changing I hated him more, hate was such strong feeling that I never thought I could ever feel towards anyone until I went out to work in Iraq earlier in the year and I can’t even think about that place right now without thinking about what some of those people did to me, all I feel now is disappointment anxiety, sadness, it’s hard to imagine how one place and two handfuls of people can destroy your soul and everything good about you as a person and if that’s not enough they take away your dignity, pride and most importantly fuck with your livelihood, just because they can, I think I have a good reason to feel hate right now but I was trying not to get upset or stressed out, I felt like I had lost everything.

I wandered around the hotel trying to find the indoor pool or something to do, when I booked this holiday I was told this 4 star resort would be perfect for me, spa, indoor pool, sauna, steam room, basically enough to keep me entertained and at the same time relax which was what I needed, but I could not get this aching pain in my chest to lift, everything seemed to irritate me such as the people and the staff in the hotel were quite rude when you asked them a simple question, after finally finding out the hotel does not have Internet access I was feeling pissed off because in the brochure it stated wireless internet access which was fantastic because it meant I wouldn’t have to leave my room if I didn’t feel sociable but at the same time I could keep in touch with everyone back home, I know my family are feeling pretty worried right now and after telling them the pregnancy was confirmed positive I think they were more shocked about it than me, they know how much I love my career and travelling so the idea for them seeing me as a mother would take some serious adjustment for everyone.

They also know I have had problems with miscarriages in the past so I knew they were worried about me having another one, but I believe everything happens for a reason and right now I feel like this is another plan in my life that is happening for a reason so whatever will be will be, if I carry the child without any problems then I know I will be an amazing mother, but if I lose the baby then I will accept that, in the mean time I will try everything I can to stay stress free, the way I see life is you can’t change anything that happens or prevent anything that’s going to happen so I try to just accept the shit in life, sometimes I feel like I want to dwell in self pity while trying to understand why but that doesn’t work, all you do then is waste time and energy on the inevitable, then I think about the way I was treated in Iraq, and as easy as it is for some people to let it go or accept it, I just couldn’t, most people did, but I let too much go while I was there and I had no control over anything I did or tried to do, but I knew then I will take as much as I can physically and mentally but one day I will make sure these people get what they deserve or at least be publically known for what they really are.

After wandering around the hotel for about thirty minutes I realized there is no sauna or steam room just an indoor pool which I am definitely not going to be able to relax or enjoy in because there’s a lot of children dominating this area and you can’t really blame them seeing as there’s nothing much else for them to do, after straggling my tired body back to my room, I sat there for about ten minutes staring at the TV and the only channel I can understand had a an awful fuzzy reception, god bless CNN, the presenter is reporting the fourth day of the air strikes in the Gaza strip and theirs now at least 375 people have been killed already with more deaths to come no doubt, as my mind wanders from the TV to the window all I can think about is Clay and how he hasn’t even been in touch with me since I sent text message to him about the pregnancy, maybe texting wasn’t the best way to do this but he was apparently on leave in the US and I had already cut off all contact methods with him weeks ago when I was still in Iraq myself, blocking him from Skype, and MSN messenger and deleting his contact numbers was biting me in the arse right now because I could not get hold of him, so in the end I sent a Skype message to a friend of mine who managed to get his Iraq mobile number for me from a friend of Clays and knowing he was on leave I knew he wouldn’t be able to answer his phone even if I had called him, so all I could do was text him and wait for him to return, and hopefully he will contact me, maybe this will be the part where I found out if he is the real asshole I knew him to be or if he will be a man and accept his responsibilities, regardless of the outcome I have no place in my life or my heart for him anymore, and not been able to control the tears any longer I sat there and cried it out of my system, it’s amazing how you feel like you can’t cry anymore and then a sudden rush of water leaks from your eyes, after about five minutes crying uncontrollably my eyes were stinging from the tears, I could feel the pounding headache take full effect.

Turning my attention away from thinking about him I went into the bathroom as I turned on the tap to soak my wet face and washed away the tears I looked up in to the mirror and staring back at me was a tired looking lady with bags under my puffy green eyes that look so dull that they resemble the colour of grass when the sun is not shining or gone behind the clouds, I hate it when my eyes look dull green, normally when I am so happy their bright energetic and green like emeralds or clear green glass, what was looking back at me now was too much pain and sadness, as I turned the tap off the sink decides to come adrift from the wall it was attached too,

‘’Shit’’ was all I can shout, can anything else go wrong here in this shitty hotel, feeling angry I walked back into the room and open the patio doors to get some fresh air and a sudden sense of fear overwhelms me, this room is just not secure at all, maybe living in Iraq has taught me to be so careful or maybe the fact that I am still on edge about the court claim against the previous company I was contracted too in Iraq is peering its little head, since I filed a case for Sexual Harassment, Unfair Dismissal, against them I haven’t really felt that safe knowing the types of nasty evil people working for them are, I knew I had now pissed a lot of people off because I wasn’t the kind of person who was going to sit back take their shit or keep my mouth shut about it either and they knew it, the truth is I don’t trust anyone right now and the fact that I am alone again in another foreign country filled me with dread, sometimes I feel like my life has changed by what happened to me and what I saw happen to other people over there so now I feel like I have to keep moving and not stay in one place to long and It’s hard to explain why I don’t feel safe that way but at the same time It’s very hard to tell anyone I feel like that in case they think I’m paranoid, maybe I was feeling paranoid but this feeling was coming from my gut instincts and I always listen to my instincts.

closing the door and struggling to lock it I stormed over to the phone and demanded to the receptionist to get hold of my holiday representative and have him call him as soon as possible, this was not helping me relax and since I paid for a four star hotel with all the facilities this hotel was supposed to offer but clearly didn’t I decided I wasn’t staying here another day, after the fourth ‘’Ok madam’’ I slammed the phone down stressed out and crying with frustration I laid on the bed I sobbed like a child who’s just been scolded for been naughty, I looked over at my watch and seeing it was only 16.35pm I thought I’d had enough, so I tried and sleep this headache off. I must have drifted for a while and woke up to someone unlocking my room door, as I sat up the chambermaid strolled in and stood their looking down at me,

‘’Can I help you?’’

She never answered me

‘’Have you ever heard of knocking first before walking in’’

without answering again she just strolled out and closed the door, I stood up thinking what the fuck, so I walked over to the door to make sure its locked after putting the do not disturb sign on the handle, I was not happy, I walk back over to the bed and after looking at my clock it was now 17.52pm throwing my watch back on the side table I turned back over closing my eyes drifting back to sleep.

I must have had another nightmare because I suddenly awoke sweating forgetting were I was and the room was now dark with a little light from another balcony peering through my curtains, I got up and opened the curtains, I switched on my side light and looked at my watch, that’s just great I thought, now I have missed dinner, I had slept through it and it was now 21.14pm dinner had stopped serving at 21.00pm, tutting to myself because I was so hungry, I went into the bathroom to wash my sweaty face, then I decided to run a bath, using all of the tiny 5ml bottle of shitty complimentary bath gel that smelt of roses, I emptied it all into the bath, their wasn’t very many bubbles so I poured three quarters of my bottle of shampoo in their to lather it up, one thing I always missed most about been in Iraq was a bath tub and not been able to lay their soaked in bubbles, I put my portable DVD player on the corner of the bath and just laid their watching a movie, after laying there for a while not really paying too much attention to John Travolta been stuck in prison while his rival enemy is screwing his wife in Face Off, my mind was wandering again, feeling hungry I thought I’ll order some room service, after switching off the film and got out of the tub, I slung the towel around me and sat on the side of my huge queen size bed you could fit at least four people in, I dialled the reception and asked for some food to be sent to my room, after the usual ten minutes of repeatedly asking can you understand English,

‘’Ok madam’’

I slammed the phone down again frustrated and pissed off, I laid on the bed naked, hungry, with a pounding headache that wasn’t easing and sneezing constantly, I thought the last thing I needed was another cold after just recently getting over one in Germany which took it’s time to go, as I got up to look in my suitcase I dragged it across the floor I took out my pyjamas, after drying myself I got dressed in them and turned on the TV again, the usual French and German channels so I turned on fuzzy CNN again, not much had changed in the Gaza Strip, I sat their leaning against my headrest on the bed for a while thinking about Clay, the baby, how shit the weather was, typical mind wandering stuff when I heard a knock at the door, standing up fast I was wondering who that was, when I opened the door there was room service been delivered, a tray full of rice dishes and bread and side salad, looking a little shocked because I thought they hadn’t been able to understand me, clearly someone did, much to my joy I tipped the guy three Tunisian Dinar and closed the door, I laid the tray on the bed not knowing what to attack first so I unsealed the plate of rice with one piece of meat in the middle, I wasn’t complaining at all I tucked in to that food so fast in case they came back to tell me it was for someone else, after eating as much as I could I looked at the tray of wasted food and picked it up and put it on the table near the TV, I felt completely bloated, I pulled out my DVD player again and lay on the bed finishing off my movie until I fell back to sleep.

I woke up quite late around 10am, I was amazed how much I had slept I must have needed it or more so my body, after taking a shower I called the reception to ask why my holiday representative had not called me back yet, and the usual

‘’Ok Madam’’

I thought sod it, I got dressed quite quickly and tried to make my eyes look half human after a full day of crying, my eyes were so puffed up I could only manage a little mascara not that I was trying to impress anyone here, when I got to the reception there was a different lady working so I thought I will be nice and after asking her to call my holiday rep for me she told me to take a seat which I refused to do, I was now making a point of been unimpressed and pissed off so I stood their aching my legs, stubbornness gets me know where sometimes, after watching people check out of the hotel with smiling faces I start to wander why their looking so happy, what could they possibly got from this shit hole of a place that I wasn’t getting, after forty minutes had passed the little Mexican looking man appeared telling me take a seat and he will be here soon, when another twenty minutes had passed I asked him to call him for me which he did and looked a little upset when he had to tell me he wouldn’t be coming here to see me until 4pm, so with that knowledge I started shouting how pissed off I was, I completely blamed the wrong people I guess, it wasn’t them who deceived me it was the holiday company who deceived me, so without blowing up too much I asked where I can get access to the internet and I was directed to a nearby hotel just a five minute walk up the street, I didn’t waste any more time their I walked so fast thinking how angry I felt, I really needed to chill out because I could literally feel the pains in my stomach growing more painful, when I reached the hotel, the receptionist their took me into the hotels cyber cafe and once I was finally comfortable I ordered a coffee, and logged on, I started to calm down, reading through my junk mail of crappy horoscopes and every other crap trying to sell you anything as long as you sign up with them, after deleting them all I signed in to Skype and MSN messenger but there was no one on line worth speaking too, I was kind of hoping Jake would be on line, if anyone could cheer me up right now it would be him, but he wasn’t so I logged out and left, I took a slow walk back browsing in every shop to pass the time, every shop assistant was trying to sell me shit so I just acted like I was interested, after two hours had passed I went back to the hotel, as I walked through the reception to my room with a stern face, I wanted the people in the hotel to see I was still pissed off, not that I was going to gain anything from this, then I saw the little Mexican man sat behind his desk looking up hoping I wouldn’t notice him, I walked up to him and without thinking the words just came out of my mouth,

‘’I am very sorry about shouting at you, I never meant to blame you, it was not you I was angry with, I am just frustrated that no one will help me’’

After he assured me it was Ok and his name Geraldo and he was here to help me, he shook my hand and said

‘’It is Ok Madam’’

those bloody words should have pissed me off again but strangely enough they made me feel better and I didn’t feel so guilty, after going back to my room I relaxed for a little while and then went back down stairs to the bar ordering a pot of tea, I sat their for a while thinking about so much shit I was giving myself another headache, when I finished my tea, I caught a glimpse of my holiday rep and I rushed over to him before he had the cheek to leave, as soon as I started talking to him with a sharp lip he never said a word back, he asked me what I wanted and I told him to move me to another hotel within the hour, after I told him the reasons why, he made a few phone calls and finally managed to get me into another 4 star hotel with internet access so without wasting any more time I rushed back to my room and dragged my broken suitcase and hand luggage down those horrid flight of stairs but I didn’t care I was leaving this shit hole, when I got in the taxi we drove through streets that looked like streets in the Green Zone in Baghdad, broken walls, windowless buildings, rubbish and debris all over the streets, it seems no matter where I go I am surrounded by Iraq or anything that resembles it, I tried not to think about it, when we pulled up to the new hotel it looked very basic from the outside but once we walked inside it was beautiful, looking up to what was an octagon shape of balconies of about 6 floors, I seemed to look up forever to the huge sky line window, as the sun shone through it, I felt like I should have been here all along, the receptionist’s were very attentive towards me, and when I finally got to my room I felt a sudden sense of tranquillity, I went straight out onto the balcony and was welcomed by an amazing sea view just yards away from the huge S shaped pool surrounded by empty sun beds, and palm trees, this was perfect I thought. After the attendant left I instantly unpacked I ordered a pot of tea to my room, I didn’t have to worry about hearing ‘’Ok Madam’’, I sat on my balcony drinking me tea taking in the sea air, when I felt much better I went on a mission to look around the place, first thing was to make sure there was Internet Access, which there was, and then I managed to get myself lost outside in the gardens that seemed to spiral into huge garden areas and then I ventured on to the beach, the cold sand on my feet felt amazing it was just nice to be on a sandy beach again, after tiring the back my calf muscles walking along the beach I headed back to the hotel. Later that day I changed for dinner, I ventured around the hotel for a while until I found the restaurant, I was guided to a table then I helped myself to the buffet of your typical salad dishes with eggs in spinach which appealed to me, rows of different types of bread, but I suddenly felt less hungry so I managed a small plate of all sorts of things that made no sense on my plate, I ordered a bottle of water seeing as I couldn’t drink any alcohol, strangely enough it didn’t even bother me that I couldn’t even have a glass of wine, and my smoking habit was right down to three a day at the most, I hoped to have stopped smoking completely by the third month of my pregnancy, after finishing my meal I hurried back to my room and all I could think about was a bubble bath in the huge bath tub waiting for me, and I didn’t even need to balance the DVD player on the corner of the bath, there was a perfect space right in middle between the taps, before I knew it was sliding into the bubble infested water, I felt so relaxed as I laid their watching charmed, I started to brush my hands over my stomach wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, and how something so amazing was growing in me right now and then I thought about Clay and then I thought about when I was in Germany and the idea of an abortion crossed my mind briefly for a second, but I wouldn’t have done that in the end, I had to many options to think about then but now as the days pass by I am more content and happy with the idea of been a mother, I still couldn’t stop thinking about my career which was normal, then I kept thinking about why I still hadn’t heard anything back from him, it was always painful thinking about him, the way we had ended things badly again for the second time, the awful despicable things he said to me and how I retaliated back with words like

‘’I hope you fucking die’’

these words haunt me every day, as soon as I had said them I regretted it, that’s the problem with words once you say them you can’t take them back no matter how sorry you are, and then I think about been pregnant and how that came about, on this occasion, it was on my birthday just over six weeks ago when I had only been back in Iraq two days, my compound wasn’t far from Clays so I knew we would probably bump into each other at some point, we had somehow decided to forgive and forget the last time we spoke to each other over a month before hand, having not spoken for so long up until this point now everything was different I knew we had to heal the breach before I got back because I couldn’t afford to have him as an enemy over there, I knew my feelings for him were still there, so I was very nervous about seeing him again, after he drove to my camp to collect me, we drove back to his camp for a few drinks he decided to invite his friend Trevor whom I had only met once before months ago when we were both based in Victory, ‘’great’’ I thought we won’t be having a talk tonight to clear a lot of loose ends, I guess I was happy about that I really didn’t want anything to spoil my birthday, so as the banter started the drinks were pouring and I suddenly remembered all the reasons why I didn’t like his friend, he was such an arrogant English southern cock head who thinks it’s really funny to treat women like shit so he was really annoying me, Clay was sat their laughing about how awesome his silly little friend was, and if ever I needed closure from Clay this was the perfect opportunity for me, so I sat their silently listening to their drunken bullshit when Clay went to take a piss in the corner on the roof top we were all sat on, Trevor decides to tell me how different I look and his cocky attitude trying to hit on me was pathetic, I told him he was a idiot and I was clearly not interested, he didn’t like been rejected so when Clay sat back down he took joy in calling me a STAB (stupid toy army bastard) which I am proud of and when he didn’t get the reaction he was hoping for he tells Clay British northern girls are whores so I reminded him that northern girls aren’t whores we simply don’t take life to seriously and like to enjoy ourselves then he would complain about southern girls who are so materialistic that you couldn’t date one unless you were rich and drove a fucking BMW, he told Clay he couldn’t even afford to fuck a southern girl because their nothing but gold digging sluts, American Girls he thinks are apparently easier to get into bed once he uses his British accent, I knew this conversation could go on all night so I somehow changed the subject to been back here in Iraq and how nothing has changed which was probably a big mistake because then they both decided to have a huge debate on who lost the most friends out here, when they served here, Clay was a Marine and Trevor was a lance Corporal, they were soon arguing about the amount of blood, guts, and friends they saw been killed and when neither of them were winning the argument I decided to cut in with a simple few words for instance

‘’Why don’t you both be fucking thankful neither of you were killed out here or injured’’ or ‘’instead of mourning your friends through self pity that you didn’t die with them, why don’t you keep them alive’’

which was simply not an option for these guys, they wanted to feel superior over each other been from different countries fighting in the same war and who has the best army in the world, I had pretty much heard enough crap for one evening so after telling Clay I wanted to leave they both got up still mumbling crap to each other all the way back to Trevor’s compound, I was glad to see the back of him.

Driving back Clay asked me to come back with him so we could talk, I really wasn’t in the mood at this point, but as we drove back in to his compound I was finding it hard to say no because he is so demanding and when Clay wants something he tends to get it, he’s like a big child with a huge pet lip who goes in moods if you say no and remains like this until he gets what he wants, wow I forgot what he was like, and that the disgusting cheap Russian vodka we had been drinking all night was just fuelling his demands, so I told him I would stay for another cigarette and then I wanted to go back to camp, when we got in to his room I suddenly had a rush of déjà vu of how upset I was the last time I was here and how everything had changed since then, I sat on the end of his bed for a few minutes and then he suddenly stood above me looking down at me he started to slide his hand on my cheek and sweeps it through my hair, I missed his touch so much it still felt natural again, as I stood up to kiss him he held my face close and leaned down and kissed my lips I felt like bolts of electricity were flowing through me and I couldn’t control myself, we started to kiss harder as he unbuttoned my jacket and let it fall on the floor, then he lifted my top over my head throwing that down on the floor as he kissed my breast’s between my bra, whilst trying to undo the clasp at the back, with a little help from me he threw my bra across the room as he kissed them harder, so hard at times he was moaning against my chest, he looked up and I could see his eye pupils dilating with pleasure, he started to stroke his hand through my hair and slowly dragged my head back as he kissed my neck and then my breasts again, I lifted his T-Shirt over his head and pressed my breasts against his chest as I kissed him hard, he slowly laid me down on the bed and unbuttoned my jeans pulling them off dropping them on the floor, I thought about how much control he was taking, it was never normally like this I was always the one who dominated us in bed, I felt so dizzy and hot as he leaned over me with his tall strong body, his hands were all over me as I suddenly sat up I saw how excited he was so I stood up to him kissing his lips, suddenly he lifted me up as I wrapped my legs around him, he was holding my face kissing me as he moves us both across the room and slammed us both against the wall, as he held me up tightly everything became very heated I felt hot and aroused, I could feel the wet between us, he started to groan a little louder, looking down at me for a few seconds not saying anything and kissed me on the lips making me feel even dizzier, he could see how unbelievably aroused he was making me, as my body started to shake on his as I was reaching my climax, he suddenly moved us back to the bed laying me down. Then everything suddenly turned different as I laid their looking up at him his eyes grow blank they where emotionless and hard, he suddenly starts to take control and feeling his heavy body on mine I couldn’t move or breathe properly, then he suddenly turned me over on to my stomach pushing deep inside harder and faster, I couldn’t say anything because it was hard to breathe with his weight on me especially when I tried to talk I felt like he was winding me and I thought if I don’t try and move or do something my spine will break , as I wriggled over I was just about to tell him how painful it was, he turned me on my back pushing down on me again and this felt like it was going on forever and now I felt like he was going to crack a rib, the pressure was too much and all I could think of was,

‘’I hope it ends soon’’

Once he’d finished he pulled off me turning over onto his back gasping and moaning, I was just happy to have air again, then I suddenly felt sad, I felt used like a piece of meat, I sat up covering myself with the blanket on his bed, I turned my head to look at him and he covered his face with his hand as his heart was still pounding in his chest, I wanted him to look up at me but he never did, I felt a little sick, I couldn’t look at him any longer he was not the same guy I fell for, I just wanted to get out of there, after a few minutes I got up to get dressed and I could see he was slowly falling to sleep, I woke him up and told him I needed to get back to my compound, he got up and as he was getting dressed, I could see he was still drunk and slightly wobbling across the room trying to find his shoes, as he staggered getting the keys I thought shit he is in no state to drive me but I really can’t start walking around Baghdad alone at this time of the night so I had to chance it. We never said much to each other as he drove me back, when we finally arrived he turned to look at me but I couldn’t look at him then he pulled my arm across and pulled me back kissing me on my lips and said ‘’happy birthday’’, I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll go for dinner after I finish work’

I felt so confused, used, after I agreed I got out of the car and walked away, he didn’t drive away at first he just sat there in the car I don’t know why, or what he was waiting for but I just couldn’t even look back, once I got behind the T wall I leaned back against it slowly crouched down and started to cry as I finally heard him drive away.

As I laid there in the bath feeling my stomach remembering everything, I felt a little sad about it, I blame myself for sleeping with him but it didn’t matter now I just wish I didn’t resent him so much, one drunken mistake through his sexual frustration has cost him nothing nor will it change his life in any shape or form he is just simply the father, for me I have to change my whole life, all of my freedom not to mention I would have to do all the hard work, somehow it seemed unfair that I have to change everything. I no longer feel love for Clay I just feel hate, disappointment disloyalty and betrayal, this child will never know how much I despise the father just that I once loved him. I got out of the bath not feeling relaxed anymore but more stressed out than before I got in.

2. The Bombshell 

I didn’t manage to get any sleep last night, the constant tossing and turning in my bed was so frustrating and the more I kicked the covers off me the more frustrated I became so in the end I got up went on to the Balcony and inhaled the fresh cold sea air into my lungs, the ocean looked so beautiful in the dark, the flicker of the lights on the waves created from the moon made it very mesmerizing to watch and the peace and quiet was only broken from the crashing waves on the beach, the more I listened to the water the more it sounded like music, after sitting there for a while I got up and went back to my bed, I laid there for a while wondering how the hell I was going to cope, the lack of communication from him was starting to piss me off, there are so many thoughts flying around my head and until I speak to him I have absolutely no idea how to think, I had to be prepared for his reaction, maybe he may want me to abort it but I had already decided against that possibility, as the anger started to rise inside me