Passage into Paradise: The True Story of My Own Mother’S Struggle with Alzheimer’S Disease

By Dorothy Womack

Passage Into Paradise tells the true story of my own mother's struggle with Alzheimers. It also depicts the collapse and recovery of me, the caregiver. This book contains articles also which will instruct, help and comfort those who are dealing with this disease today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 16, 2002
• ISBN: 9781462090433

Dorothy Womack

Dorothy Womack is an inspirational writer and poet. She feels she is achieving her dream, but also her destiny as well.

Book preview

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgements

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

About the Author

This book is dedicated to my mother: Vivian H. Hanby. Whose courage in the face of certain death gave me the courage to face an uncertain life.

Psalms 90:10

The days of our years are threescore and ten, or even if by reason of strength, fourscore years. Yet is their pride (in additional years) only labor and sorrow; for it is soon gone, and we fly away.

Preface

This is the true story of my own mother’s long journey to death’s door, Heaven’s Gateway. It is also, subsequently, my own arduous journey back to the living. It has taken more than two years after her death for me to openly share our experiences, but I do so in order to honor her memory.

I believe very deeply in God, in Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Spirit. I also believe God speaks to each of us through His Holy Spirit; and sometimes, we can actually write down what He has to say! For this reason, His Words will be called ‘SpiritSpeak’ throughout the book. This is to separate them from my own thoughts and experiences. I totally believe and have firsthand experiences, as my own mother did, with the supernatural element by way of dreams, visions and visitations.

To the Reader: I am sure you will find yourself somewhere amid the pages of this book. You will find information that will amuse, sadden, enlighten, comfort, confuse, and even awe you. Some will be shocked by the intensity of my feelings and thoughts. Others will find solace in knowing that you are not alone, nor are you crazy. You are reacting very normally, given your extremely stressful situation! I also feel that someone, who is now living in the midst of the same hell which I witnessed and endured, will find this book to represent a road map of sorts; a way to get through the day-to-day horrors; to learn about our purpose on earth. To realize that despite the pain, the guilt, the inevitable loss, that your life will continue on, with the promise of a brighter future.

Some will view with skepticism, but all will view with interest. Remember that no matter what happens to you, around you or even in you, all is not lost! Hope remains, Love remains, God remains.

Acknowledgements

Of course, I must acknowledge my husband and life-partner, Riley Womack. He has put up with me for 35 years and is still here! That says it all, I think. He has known from the day we met, that one day I would be recognized as an inspirational writer. He has supplied the means I needed in order to write these books. He shares my feelings, my fears, my good days and bad, always believing in me as a writer. He knew this, when I was just a new Christian, because God’s Spirit signified to him that it was so. He has never doubted that witness, nor have I. He was the only one involved with the day-to-day care of my mother. He took my mother into his life as his own, when she had no where else to turn. He supplied her with unconditional love and acceptance, no matter how difficult her situation became. She felt safe and loved in our home, and within our hearts as well.

The only other person that I even spoke with during those four years confined to my home was Ray Marcrom: my mentor, confidante, counselor and irreplaceable friend. Ray has been a prophet in my life, for almost the entire two decades I have known him. He is a solid Christian man, with strong values that he lives every day of his life. He watched me literally grow up in the Lord. He saw beauty and potential within me, especially when I was so totally unaware of anything good inside myself. He never failed to encourage, exhort and comfort me in the Lord when it was necessary. During those four years with my mother, Ray spent a great deal of time listening, praying and counseling me concerning her condition. He told me the truth, which I so desperately wanted to know. He knew what lay ahead; and he told me that, in great detail and also with great love. Even today, Ray’s hands are always extended to offer help, without any thought of restitution.

My heart will forever be indebted to God, for bringing such a man into my life. His influence continues to be a motivating factor in my life. I pray His life is always filled with the precious things of God.

My gratefulness to both of these men for their belief in me cannot ever be described. I find myself at a loss for words for these men who never wavered in their confidence that one day, God would prosper all that I had been faithful to write, and open the doors for me to become a published writer.

1

Years 1991, 1992, 1993

October 7, 1991

We have been watching after Mom for almost eight years now. She has been going downhill pretty much gradually. Once in awhile I look at her and wonder who she is. She looks so different from the mother I remember. I know her days are numbered, and I struggle often with my feelings about her passing. She is just like a 3 year old child now, does what we tell her to do and believes anything we say. My husband told Mom he was going to paint her room black, and she almost cried until he told her he was teasing. She takes everything so literally, but I guess it is because she is so totally dependent on us for assistance, bathing, cooking her meals, washing her hair, paying her bills, etc. I just pray she won’t have to suffer much in the process of her life ending.

December 30, 1991

We are managing about the same in our little part of the world. Mom doesn’t go out anymore, but entertains herself with television. We take care of her shopping, washing, cooking, etc. She seems to be pretty well adjusted to her limited lifestyle and doesn’t complain very often. She does have pretty good health, despite her limitations. My aunt just had heart surgery. I find it very interesting to note that she has spent most of her life having annual physicals, eating properly, exercising a lot, walking constantly. Yet she has more physical problems than what Mom does. My mother did nothing to preserve her health; didn’t have physicals, didn’t exercise, no walking, no special diets. It seems to me that some of what we expend our time doing to prolong our lives is really nothing more than a waste of time and an illusion of sorts. Yes, we can do what is reasonable to stay healthy, but I don’t think we can totally escape the progression of time on our bodies. I am beginning to think that longevity of life has more to do with what you sow than with what you eat!

February 4, 1992

We taught Mom how to microwave meals we make for her, when we are at work. We call every % hour to check on her and to make sure she is alright. Mom also has a small refrigerator, which we put her food into. She eats when she gets hungry. She keeps her breakfast and lunch portions there, along with fruit, juices, sugar-free cookies and things she can much in-between meals. It gives her a feeling of control and choice. My husband and I both knew at an early age that we would care for our parents when they became old. We felt this was the will of God, and we knew when the time came we would be there for our parents. I also realized years ago that there was a lot of bitterness in me over areas in my childhood where I felt Mom should have protected me. But I have learned that a lot of things she never even knew about. I was wrong to punish her and withhold myself from her for not helping me out. She too did what she could with what she knew, which sure wasn’t much at the time. But I had to learn to see her as a person with limits, and to forgive her where I felt she had failed me. When I was able to do that, our relationship changed for the better.

I realized that she is not just my mother, but a person who needs my company, support and nurturance. There is a scripture which talks of God restoring the years that the locust has eaten. I think that applies here. God can restore all the years which appear to have been totally wasted between us, and give us a relationship that heals and restores us both. One day it will happen, I am sure of that. My husband and I both still work outside the home. Mom just oversees the dog and answers the phone. We just get by the best we can and stretch what we have. Wisdom is very important to me, because when it comes down to it, if you are wise with God’s wisdom, you can get through the hard times without them tearing you apart. Wisdom teaches you how to manage while others are losing everything. Wisdom endures. Money does not. So much for the sermon.

August 20, 1992

My husband has a new job. He goes in at 5AM, so he gets up around 3AM. Mom gets up with him so he can fix her breakfast, and then she goes back to sleep until I get up at 7AM to do my chores before going to work. Mom goes along with this agreeably since she really doesn’t have much choice. She can sleep all day while we are at work, but we have to be in bed early if we are to keep up with everything. Each day I see more and more reversals. First it’s making her meals, like she did for me; then it’s bathing her. Now it’s setting bedtimes, like she did when I was in grade school. Everything that goes around surely comes around, doesn’t it? Mom wears a catheter full-time now and we have to empty it out regularly. She also keeps having accidents on the sofa and floor, so we mop a lot too. She doesn’t get the signal that her bowels need to move until they are actually moving. Of course, then it’s much too late! I am grateful that Mom is still here with us, despite the progressive problems. She has been a wonderful support to both of us through all of our financial ordeal and hasn’t hesitated to help us out when necessary. I owe her a debt I will never be able to repay. It was a very rocky road for Mom and I when we moved back in together in 1983, but I wouldn’t change it now for anything. It was worth every bit of the struggle to have the relationship we have now.

October 14, 1992

Mom said she would rather just pool our resources and then spend whatever is necessary for her care. So now I pay all her bills and am her guardian. She said she doesn’t have anything she needs or wants, and

certainly wouldn’t get as much attention or care in a nursing facility or by herself.

December 10, 1992

Mom said she saw her grandparents, mother, sister, father, childhood best friend in a dream last night. They were all smiling and motioning for her to come across a stream.

January 10, 1993

I bought Mom some fleece lined robes to wear, since the blood thinner the doctor put her on makes her so cold. We keep her bundled up at all times. I had to resign my job, as Mom had a major stroke on January 4, 1993 which rendered her permanently bedfast, no control over bowels or bladder. She has to learn to walk again. I knew it was only a matter of time before it came to this, and so it has. This stroke affected Mom’s left side and she has a lot of pain in her left arm, cannot make a fist at all. She cries easily again, just like with the other strokes and is very afraid. She is also losing control of her bowels, just like her bladder which preceded her by two years. We don’t know if the bowel thing is permanent or not, will just have to wait. If it is, then I have to learn how to diaper a 140 lb woman. I might as well do that too, since I bathe her already. I realize over and over just why I didn’t have children of my own. With my mental stamina being what it is, I just could not have coped with being ‘sandwiched’ in between a child and my mother. I would have lost my mind. My mother is my child now. It is eerie in some ways, but natural in others. I guess the bonds just change in order somehow. At least I don’t have to fight her to get her to do what I say, like I did before.

Mom told me I was the last person she thought would ever help her in her old age. Gee, thanks! However, when I stood up to a visiting relative who was pushing Mom to ‘snap out of it’, I blew up and sent her packing. I told her she had raised her kids, and it was my time to take care of my mother my way. Mom heard this, and suddenly, our relationship changed forever. God gave me unconditional love for my own mother, and she felt this in me. In return, she was very docile and grateful throughout her remaining years. Mom still has some slurring of her speech, but is leaving now. She worries about her left side and loss of control of her bodily functions. I keep telling her that with each stroke, something will usually go awry with her body, most of the time with permanent effects. She is fortunate in that it has not left her permanently disabled; but the fear is a big problem for us to deal with. She knows the medicine won’t keep her from having the strokes anymore, and she is terrified.

We bought baby monitors to keep beside her at all times; one for her, one for me. Also a coach whistle to wear around her neck so she can ‘summon’ me. In the early morning, I hear Mom over the monitor singing hymns she learned as a child. It is very touching to listen to. I hate the hysteria that comes with Mom’s strokes, but I try to calm her down and tell her of others who have had many more strokes than she and are still living. The bad part about all this is that I seem to be bonded to her like a mother is to a sick child. Her pain becomes mine, her fear mine, etc. It is hard to shake off and be a separate person from her. I don’t know if this is normal or not; but suspect it probably is when you are an only child and the mother is up in years and lives with you. I hope that she lives long enough to see her sisters once more, but cannot guarantee anything.

Mom has to take more medicine since this last stroke, which she absolutely hates, but has no choice. The medical profession is limited in just how much it can do to prolong life. Rationally, I understand that; but it is terribly hard to watch her struggle with her fears and lack of control. She cannot tolerate being helpless, which she isn’t yet, but she feels that she is. I do not want to live to be old, if this is what it will be like. I just do not see any good coming out of suffering; or prolonging agony and fear just to see another day dawn. That is just my own personal opinion, and I don’t expect others to accept it. But suffering myself, or watching others suffer, is something I just have no ability to tolerate. I did tell Mom that she would have to stop screaming whenever something minor happened, like making a mistake in ‘toilet training’. I told her I am not too young to have a heart attack myself, and if she gives her caregiver a nervous breakdown, then who will be around to take care of her? I have set down rules for when she can be hysterical: life threatening events, falling, strangers in the house, etc. But not because she missed the toilet or couldn’t get the door open fast enough. Every time she screams, I think she has fallen or something terrible has occurred, and my blood pressure shoots straight through the roof!

I know when all of this is over, I will resume my own life again. Yet I must admit, it is hard for me to imagine going on without her. I feel guilty that she will leave and I will stay behind. My husband says this is normal, as he felt the same way when his father died. I am grateful to have his advice, as he has already been down this primrose path. I wasn’t nearly as understanding and kind to him in it as he is to me! Even though this is hard on all of us, I know without any doubt in my heart that I am doing the right thing. My purpose hasn’t been to produce life, but perhaps to prolong it for the one who gave me my own life. That makes sense to me.

January 12, 1993

SpiritSpeak: Your mother’s body is simply worn out and cannot function adequately any longer. I will indeed honor both your requests for her spirit to be set free and come home to rest with Me. She will not linger, nor suffer agony. You are not being punished, but merely strengthened for what lies ahead. You have let go, indeed, and I will now move in and overshadow her passage into new life with Me. I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness and the crushing of your spirit will stop. And peace, My Peace, will enter in thereupon and reside there forever. Do not fret or fear. Just rest in Me. Rest your body and mind. Let your spirit quicken the truth of My words to you. The crying is now over. Weeping endures but for a night. Joy comes in the morning with Me!!

January 14, 1993

SpiritSpeak: All things work together for good to them that love the Lord. All things! This trial by fire is almost over and her passing will indeed be peaceful. I promise you this. You need not fear; for I know that you cannot stand suffering of any kind, especially in those whom you love. It is for this reason that not only will I spare your mother untold suffering, but you as well. In this way will you learn once again how great and how deep My Love is for you!!

January 28, 1993

Things are progressing. I can diaper and clean Mom up in less than ten minutes now. She has done well this past week. They are going to start physical therapy on her so that she can walk a little bit again. The nurses have been surprised that she has made such a good recovery, as most they see in Mom’s shape usually don’t survive the first three weeks. She has lost a lot of her memories, but there is no set pattern to it at all. She sometimes doesn’t know who painted all the pictures in her room. But at least, we’ve got the coughing and fever under control. She still has transischemic attacks at night, usually right after the sun sets, but she doesn’t lose consciousness. She gets dizzy and queasy, but it passes in a few minutes. This last stroke took away her bowel control. She doesn’t know when she needs to go. She tires very easily. We get her up in her mother’s rocking chair at lunch time for twenty minutes and let her walk the length of the room (about 50 feet, round trip). She usually is exhausted after that.

The baby food idea spawned a new way to nourish Mom. She eats food when we puree it in the blender and is getting a lot more nourishment now. She got feeling back in her legs about four days ago, so we don’t have to drag her up in the hospital bed anymore. Mom seems content knowing that I am nearby. My blood pressure and heart rate have now returned to normal. She doesn’t know when she has the strokes. I am told she won’t remember seizures or convulsions if she

lives long enough to have them. That gives me comfort, knowing that she won’t be consciously suffering or remember what happens.

As for me, when Mom first fell victim to this last stroke, so much happened so fast that I felt as if we were both caught up in a landslide and were spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. It was the most horrific experience I have ever had. I truly hope I fare better the next time, and that I am detached enough from her to let her go Home without following with her!

I cannot tell you how disappointed I was with myself when all of this occurred. I thought I was prepared and also strong. I found out exactly how weak I am. I didn’t know anything could hurt me this deeply, and it is very unnerving.

I do not want my mother to suffer, as I believe very deeply in Heaven and life after death. However, I do have a great problem in handling the interim period, where the struggle takes place. I will miss her deeply. Every day there is a little less of her personality residing here with me, so it is truly a ‘catch 22’. Each stroke and transischemic attack takes more of her brain cells away permanently. I find myself becoming her memory more and more. I never wanted to be a nurse, although somehow I have always known this time would come. People say I am doing a good job with my mother, but their praise means very little to me. Every day I have to face the fact that I cannot rescue her. I can only seek to keep her comfortable, warm, dry and fed. God has to do everything else. This has really made me face my human limitations. We come into this world alone, and we go out of it the same way, even if we have a roomful of loved ones surrounding us.

The thought has crossed my mind how mothers take care of their children until they grow strong enough to go out on their own into a world where their parents cannot follow. In that way, my mother has become as helpless as a little child. Maybe I am caring for her just until she grows strong enough to enter the world God has prepared for us. A place where I cannot go, for perhaps decades yet. I understand why the

Scripture says: ‘you must enter the Kingdom of God as a little child’, because that is what Mom is now.

Mom asked me one night if I wanted to see her when she ‘flew away’. I read the Bible that night which said, ‘the horrors of death overwhelm me. Oh that I could fly away and be at rest with the Lord and at peace in His Heaven’. I also found an old autograph book that Mom had when she was 13 years old, where her now deceased younger sister had penned:’When the golden sun is setting and your mind, from cares, is free. And of others, you are thinking, will you remember me?’. It really touched me, because Mom has been seeing this sister in spirit several times recently. Apparently, her sister’s passing affected Mom more deeply than she ever expressed. That note was penned more than 60 years ago. Symbolically, that note brought peace to me, because I realized that my mother has lived a very long, good life, with more healthy days than not. She has an entire lifetime of friends and family on the other side, just waiting to see her again. Here, she has only me. I guess it’s time for her to ‘fly away’ and for me to let her go. I have realized my limitations and also faced the inevitable. I pray for God’s will to be done. This is all any of us can do. I guess it must have taken all of this for me to finally realize that truth.

January 31, 1993

SpiritSpeak: When your mother leaves this life, you will not grieve or mourn in the depth that you now fear. For that has already occurred, and you are walking in My strength and power now. She has prepared her heart where I am concerned, as well as you. She will suffer no longer, I promise you this. She has loved ones who are anxiously anticipating her arrival, where there is no night. She will be enshrouded in peace and surrounded with great joy. You are not losing your mother in any real sense, for she will continue to live on within your heart all the days of your life upon earth. There will, yes indeed, come a day when you will see her again; although a long time passes according to your timetable. You will rejoice that her face radiates with health, peace and joy. Therefore, remember your mother for all the years of good which occurred. Remember her talents and accomplishments in this life. Remember her smile. Remember her laughter. For truly, I will erase the pain in your heart and torment in your mind concerning her. You will remember more and more of the good she brought into your life, and less and less of what you saw her endure in her last days. The peace which you prayed and interceded for, she now has. Remember, she is with Me. Never doubt this. Without you, her last days would have been a hell too hard to endure. Your presence made it bearable, but My Presence will make it redeemable. Prepare your heart and mind now, for the time is now upon you.

February 5, 1993

Mom was in a beautiful park which was brilliantly lit, but without the sun. She was walking, then leaping, running, dancing. She looked down and saw she had no catheter, cane or walker. She felt young again and was filled with joy and happiness. She was free of all physical limitations. She asked me how did this happen? I told her while she was in a coma, she left her body and went to visit Heaven. She was comforted greatly by this.

May 3, 1993

SpiritSpeak: You must go on with your own life. This is what your own mother did! There is no virtue in ceasing to live while there is still much life left in you and to you. Therefore, you must go on!!

May 20. 1993

I dreamed that my husband’s mother told me she would personally help Mom with the transition in the new world. She knew the landscape and would take my mother under her wing, even as I had taken her daughter under mine! That Mom’s time was nearing and I shouldn’t be disheartened. That there were people who would be looking out for her on the other side. That I had made her son a good wife and we had achieved more in our lives than she could have ever thought possible.

June 12, 1993

Mom dreamed she was riding on a streetcar. She could walk fine, without a cane. The door opened and the driver told her to get off; that this was her stop. She refused, said she wasn’t going to get off until he took her directly to town, her final destination. She was confused because she didn’t recognize anyone; although the streetcar was full and so was the place where it stopped. I told Mom that if this occurred again, to look for my husband’s mother or her own mother. Then she could feel safe to get off. She said she’d never heard of going to Heaven in a streetcar. I reminded her that Biblical people went to Heaven in wheels within wheels, in chariots of fire, flew there with wings of their own. So anything is possible. At least I know that when her time comes to leave this life, she will not get off the streetcar unless someone else is there to hold her hand. It makes it easier for me to handle, knowing that she won’t be alone in transition, from this life into the next.

July 19, 1993

Every time my mother puts her hand on my face, it feels like she is touching my heart. There are times, as I watch my mother asleep in her bed, that I long to curl up beside her, hold her tight and put both her hands in mine, attempting to offer both of us some semblance of safety and security. But I realize that were I to fall asleep and then awaken, I would still be here upon this earth, while my mother would awaken in Heaven. I would know that I could not hold her here, nor could she take me there. Our bodies would be touching, but our spirits would be separated by death. Perhaps this is what is meant by One will be taken, the other left. For the one who is taken actually takes their essence with them. And the one who is left behind wonders how and when they will ever see that loved one again. For although separated by death, we are united in love. And throughout it all, the love remains.

The questions are never erased, but then neither are the memories. Such is the cycle of life.

August 10, 1993

Mom asked me to send her sisters some jewelry she had, because she had nothing else of value to offer them. She sent her love, although she no longer can write. I am the mediator. The doctor says Mom is in the ‘terminally ill last phase’. Mom is now permanently bedfast, as another stroke finally took her down. She has one or two good days a week, three really bad days, and two so-so days. You never know which day you’ll get until after you get up and check on her. Some days I would just like to go back to bed until the day is over, and start with the next day. It’s like a cross between Halloween and Groundhog Day (the movie). Every day is the same, except with more horror thrown in here and there! Mom is not suffering, although every stroke weakens her more and more. She had two smaller strokes this week, on top of the major one last week, so she doesn’t get much time off between them. She does get sick now when the strokes hit. But she’s fine once the stroke subsides. They said her final stage will probably be to enter into a coma and then leave us for good.

October 22, 1993

SpiritSpeak:"When the life of the spirit leaves the body, it then becomes an empty shell. Even so, when the body can no longer sustain the spirit of a man, God calls it back unto Himself. Remember, what you view is merely a shell, nothing more. It is a reflection of where the spirit once lived. But in Christ, we truly live, and move, and have our very being. The spirit of your mother is at rest with the God who created it, and life is within her always. Her body has served its purpose. Life is no longer in that body, but in another form with Me. The body has limitations, the spirit has none. The body dies, but the spirit lives on forever. And so, does the God who also lives forever call forth His

Bride in Christ, to their final resting place with Him. Where God will wipe away all tears from their eyes and sorrow will be no more".

Therefore, grieve not so utterly and exhaust your very being. For she has not died, nor left you in any real sense. She has merely been transformed and stands, whole and strong, in My Presence, rather than weak and trembling, in yours! Remember also that I love you always and do not add grief upon grief. You have borne up well and I have noted all of your comings and goings. Your reward will not disappear, nor your sacrifices be dismissed.

I have plans for you, in this life. For you see, this was never your trial, but hers. You merely served as a servant of grace to keep the burden from becoming too heavy for her to bear. And in that you actually became sustaining grace to your own mother in her last days, so also shall you now walk in that grace all the days of your natural life.

And peace shall be an outflow of that grace. Be patient, you shall indeed see this come to pass before your very eyes. This peace, which passes all understanding, shall indeed cause you to understand all that has happened over these last days and turn it to your good. For God is not mocked: whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap. You are indeed to reap a bountiful harvest. Even now, you are already in the midst of it. But you will never forget what you learned through this particular time in your life. Your mother has been transformed in spirit, having left her body behind. While you have also been transformed in spirit, leaving the old way of thinking behind as well. For if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things pass away. All things become new.

This is your heritage, My child. Carry it well throughout the remainder of your life upon earth. For those who went before you, and those who will come after you, will learn much of Me from what you share with them of a spiritual nature. There is power in your words and strength in your physical members. Remember! Remember! Remember! And live!!

"Your life is to be full and rewarding, beyond your fondest dreams and desires. Life, as you have known it, seems to have been only one long series of trials to endure. Each being worse than the one before it. You have spent much of your life in a state of mere existence, on the sidelines of what life truly has to offer. It is My intention that you experience the joys of being alive; the