Becoming a Genuine Giver: Overcoming Relationship Barriers

By Ken Hultman

Do you want healthier, more effective relationships? If so, Becoming a Genuine Giver will give you the knowledge and skills necessary to achieve your goal.

Relationships are central to our very being-our survival depends on them. The capacity to build relationships is the key to personal happiness and career success. Relationships are a matter of give and take, but not all giving and taking is equally healthy or effective. Representing an original scholarly synthesis of developmental, interpersonal, and social psychology, this penetrating book argues the best way to have healthy relationships is to move toward becoming a Genuine Giver: a person who gives to others joyfully in a sincere, non-manipulative manner. This requires a person to identify and overcome specific relationship barriers. You can identify your barriers and growth opportunities through the powerful Interpersonal Motivation Scale, which defines nine types of taking and giving with varying consequences for relationships. Following that, you can develop an action plan for overcoming barriers, using a variety of tools, worksheets, and suggestions included in the book. Here is an insightful and practical resource that can help:

Individuals:
Become more aware of what they really want from others
Pinpoint and overcome specific interpersonal barriers
Build healthier and more effective relationships
Prepare themselves for future relationships

Teams, Partnerships, and Boards:
Evaluate interpersonal effectiveness
Develop greater mutual understanding
Reduce interpersonal conflict
Build trusting relationships that get things done

Organizations:
Increase the emotional intelligence of leaders and managers
Evaluate and enhance organizational culture
Measure job candidates for cultural fit

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Oct 29, 2007
• ISBN: 9781466937178

Ken Hultman

Ken Hultman is an executive coach, consultant, and speaker, passionate about helping people identify and remove barriers to personal, interpersonal, organizational, and spiritual growth. He holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from Rutgers University, and is licensed as a clinical professional counselor. Ken is an award-winning author of seven scholarly books, two novels, and numerous professional articles. More information about Ken can be found on his website, www.kenhultman.com

Book preview

Contents

Preface

1

Discovering

Your Type

of

Interpersonal

Motivation

2

Relationships are

a Matter of

Give and Take

3

How We Become Givers and Takers

4

The Intentions behind Giving and Taking

5

Moving Toward Genuine Giving

Notes

Glossary

Bibliography

Author the Author

To my daughter, Natalie,

whose creative energy

brought this book alive

Preface

All that is not given is lost.

—Ancient Proverb

Relationships are central to our very being—our survival depends on them. The capacity to build relationships which support psychological, emotional, and spiritual growth is the key to personal and professional happiness and fulfillment. Life provides opportunities for a network of multiple relationships; however, we often lack the knowledge and understanding to meet the challenges posed by relating to each other well. Human beings are monumentally complex. Relationships are interpersonal in nature, consisting of give and take between and among people, but not all giving and taking is equally effective. Not all relationships are right or healthy.

I believe the best way to have healthy relationships is to become a Genuine Giver, a person who gives to others joyfully in a sincere, non-manipulative manner. It is the highest expression of the human spirit, the distinguishing characteristic of a purposeful life. A defining quality of this is the ability to accept people who differ from oneself in appearance, background, and beliefs. The process of becoming a Genuine Giver is the developmental challenge of a lifetime. First we must confront our own demons; adversity often leaves lasting scars that ravage one’s capacity to give. Many people are chronologically mature, but have internal barriers that keep them emotionally immature.

Another challenge is that our society has not only become indifferent to relationships, but absolutely hostile to them. In our compulsive, never ending pursuit of ways to do more things faster and more efficiently, we don’t have time for each other.

We are technologically sophisticated, but emotionally impoverished. Cities with swollen populations have become the breeding ground for isolation, loneliness, alienation, and emptiness. Relationships are the poor stepchild to our consuming desire for status, power, money and material possessions, so if you want to place a higher priority on relationships you’re going to have to fight for it. Here are some differences between the characteristics of current society and the requirements for healthy relationships:

Table P.1. Characteristics of Current Society Compared to Requirements for Healthy Relationships

Relationships are living things, growing, evolving, changing, and becoming, or withering and dying. The key question is, Am I satisfied with my relationships and how can I form healthier ones? The starting point is to understand more fully what we want from others, what I call interpersonal motivation. This can be done by completing my Interpersonal Motivation Scale™ (IMS),1 a non-standardized instrument which I have used with several thousand people over the years. The IMS distinguishes nine types of interpersonal motivation; the Genuine Giver is one of the types, a far-reaching goal toward which we should all be striving. Each of us is a mixture of all nine types in varying degrees, and the completed Interpersonal Motivation Profile reveals our strengths and limitations to becoming a more genuine giver. The book’s assessment and change processes can help:

Individuals:

Become more aware of what you really want from others Pinpoint and overcome specific interpersonal barriers Build healthier and more effective relationships Prepare yourself for future relationships

Teams, Partnerships, and Boards:

Evaluate interpersonal effectiveness Develop greater mutual understanding Reduce interpersonal conflict Build trusting relationships that get things done

Organizations:

Increase the emotional intelligence of leaders and managers Evaluate and enhance organizational culture Measure job candidates for cultural fit

I’d like to tell you how I got interested in this topic. After completing my doctorate in counseling psychology at Rutgers University, I accepted a teaching position in the Department of Counseling at Florida State University. No sooner did I arrive in Tallahassee when I had a panic attack. I wouldn’t be able to get by on my appearance and smile any longer; now I would be expected to know something. To cope with my malaise, I entered into psychotherapy. The therapist was an Adlerian psychoanalyst. Alfred Adler believed that people have hidden goals that drive their behavior, and that the goals are often negative and self-defeating. After a number of sessions, the therapist gave me a sheet of paper indicating that my hidden goals were to be lost, confused, and misunderstood. This was a rather startling revelation, and I decided that I needed a better goal. At the bottom of the sheet was one recommendation in all capitals: Look for opportunities each day to be a giver instead of a taker. I took this advice to heart, and have tried over the years to move from self-centered to more other-centered ways of relating. Being a completely genuine giver isn’t an achievable goal, but rather a life-long growth process. I’m still working toward this goal, and I look forward to the opportunities that each day brings.

A theory of interpersonal motivation must be able to explain the full gamut of people’s behavior in relationships, from the sublime to the hideous. While my model attempts to do this, interpersonal motivation is a very complex subject that to some extent will always remain unfathomable. My research took me into such diverse fields as interpersonal, abnormal, developmental and social psychology, sociology, anthropology, economics, game theory, biology, law, and philosophy. My challenge was to respect this interdisciplinary complexity while constructing a user friendly theoretical framework. To do this, I chose to place my model within the parameters of general systems theory, which focuses on the interrelationship of systems. Specifically I focus on the interrelationships between the external motivational system (the tangible world of one’s interpersonal relationships) and the internal motivational system (the intangible world within the person). The two systems are also mutually interdependent; improving relationships is a process of changing selected aspects of the internal and external systems to bring about a greater sense of integration or wholeness.

The book is organized into five chapters. Chapter 1,

Discovering Your Interpersonal Motivation Type, includes the Interpersonal Motivation Scale™, along with scoring instructions, descriptions of the nine types, and examples. The chapter also provides action planning guidelines to support the change process. The first step is to take the inventory; this will give you a focus for the rest of the reading. Chapter 2, Relationships Are a Matter of Give and Take, has to do with the external system of relationships, and focuses on the tangible acts of receiving, taking, and giving. Chapters 3 and 4 have to do with the internal system of interpersonal motivation, moving from the abstract to the concrete. Chapter 3, How We Become Givers and Takers, addresses key psychological needs, and how they develop and change over the life span. A special feature is how our needs move from an emphasis on receiving, to taking, and then giving within Erik Erikson’s eight stage developmental model. Chapter 4, The Intentions behind Giving and Taking, addresses interpersonal intentions designed to meet the needs, and the beliefs, feelings, values, and behaviors underlying our intentions.

Chapter 5, Moving toward Genuine Giving, addresses concrete interpersonal goals, and the process of changing intentions, beliefs, values, and behaviors in a manner that supports healthier relationships and genuine giving. It also discusses how to heal from the pain of the past in order to move toward the future. Worksheets for planning and critiquing interactions are also included. To facilitate reading, many of the theoretical and research references have been placed in a Notes section in the back. Individuals interested in a more scholarly exposure to particular topics will find supplementary material and suggestions for further research here. A glossary is also included to reduce confusion over some of the more technical terms. The material contained in this volume should be regarded as a preliminary statement, since the IMS is still in the process of being standardized. I’ve decided to release the book at this time, because I believe there is an urgent need for resources to help people improve relationships.

The most difficult part of this project for me was weaving together the theoretical model. While I believe I have produced an original synthesis that furthers understanding, the theory isn’t a necessity for benefiting from the applied material. You could use the Interpersonal Motivation Scale™ and suggestions for change without a working knowledge of the theory. If you have a general or scholarly interest in interpersonal motivation, then read the entire book; if your sole interest is personal growth, however, Chapter 1 and selected reading from Chapter 5 would be sufficient. Either way, there is a caveat: This book isn’t about changing other people; it’s about developing greater self-awareness and changing yourself. We cannot change others, but we can move toward greater interpersonal maturity.

In the process of change lies our hope. Any relationship can become fuller, richer, and deeper through effort and determination. The reality is that all we have is each other. Every contact with another person is an opportunity to make a difference, and it’s the difference we make in other’s lives that counts. Ultimately, our legacy is the love we’ve given away.

I’d like to thank the people who helped me with this project. Drs. George McCall and Mike Chase both reviewed my manuscript and provided me with very useful feedback. My wife, Pat, did a superb job as the book’s editor. My daughter, Natalie, took a break from her acting career to design the cover and all the interior graphics, and to proofread and format the manuscript. She did such an original job of capturing my ideas visually that I have dedicated the book to her.

Ken Hultman

August, 2007

1

Discovering

Your Type

of

Interpersonal

Motivation

Direct your eyesight inward, and you’ll find a thousand regions in your mind yet undiscovered.

—Henry David Thoreau

This chapter includes the Interpersonal Motivation Scale™ (IMS), IMS Scoring Guide and Scoring Profile, descriptions of the nine types of interpersonal motivation with brief case examples for each type, and action plan sheets for the nine types. Additional suggestions for removing barriers to genuine giving are included in Chapter 5.

Instructions for Taking the IMS

The Interpersonal Motivation Scale is designed to aid you in becoming more aware of your motives or intentions in relationships with others. The results are intended to help you identify and remove relationship barriers.

Read each of the ninety questions and circle the response that best reflects your self-assessment on the following scale:

0 = Almost Never

1 = Seldom

2 = Sometimes

3 = Often

4 = Usually

5 = Almost Always

Before answering the questions choose a frame of reference (e.g. relationships in general, family relationships, work relationships) and keep this in mind while responding. These are difficult questions, requiring considerable personal introspection. The results are intended for your personal growth and are confidential, however, so please be candid in your responses. Only honest answers will have any meaning.

In my relationships I:

Image5169.JPG

IMS Scoring Guide Calculating Scores:

To assess

Reviews for Becoming a Genuine Giver

[biunicorn_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Becoming a Genuine GiverOvercoming Relationship Barriersby Ken Hultman Awesome, wonderful and much needed this 244 page marvel on communication and humanity really helped me to focus on the relations in my life that keep me spinning my wheels and how I can face my fears, and look at the negative pay-offs that keep me stuck. I hate to admit it, but many times when it came to dealing with others I would just say "well what do you expect from a ____?", and that was the extent of my understanding, open mindedness and forgiveness. I will always carry a deep debt of gratitude to the author because he was able to just lay everything out in lavender so to speak, and offer me ways, examples, suggestions and awesome graphs to help me get to an internal dialog that made a world of difference to me and those around me. I would recommend this valiant pioneer to anyone wanting to learn how to communicate in any relationship and this little beauty has totally made it's way into my spiritual toolbox. Thanks Ken, I think this book will save millions. Love & Light, Riki Frahmann