Becoming a Person of Destiny: Discovering and Fulfilling Your Life's Purpose

By Ken Hultman

Do you want to fulfill your destiny?

The purpose of life is to discover and fulfill your reason for livingyour destiny. Everyone has unique talents and abilities needed to make our world a better place for all. Developing and fully utilizing those abilities is the odyssey of a lifetime. Moving toward destiny takes self-awareness, determination, courage, and faith. Intended for individuals who want a more empowered, vibrant, and purposeful life, this scholarly and deeply penetrating book is packed with useful insights and suggestions, along with numerous practical tools and instruments that help you do the following:
Understand destiny and its role in defining your self-concept
Clarify your destiny and how it can be fulfilled
Use destiny as a criterion for evaluating choices and actions
Learn the factors that support and hinder movement toward destiny
Identify and overcome specific barriers to destiny

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jul 13, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466946767

Ken Hultman

Ken Hultman is an executive coach, consultant, and speaker, passionate about helping people identify and remove barriers to personal, interpersonal, organizational, and spiritual growth. He holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from Rutgers University, and is licensed as a clinical professional counselor. Ken is an award-winning author of seven scholarly books, two novels, and numerous professional articles. More information about Ken can be found on his website, www.kenhultman.com

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© Copyright 2012 Kenneth E. Hultman.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

Illustrated by: Natalie Hultman

Edited by: Patricia Hultman

Cover Design/Artwork by: Natalie Hultman

ISBN: 978-1-4669-4675-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-4677-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-4676-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012912331

Trafford rev. 07/09/2012

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Contents

Preface

1 WHAT IS DESTINY?

2 How Does Destiny Shape Who I Am?

3 What Is the External Environment For DESTINY?

4 What Are the Inputs to destiny?

5 How Do Internal Processes Impact Destiny?

6 How Can Barriers to Destiny Be Identified?

7 How Can Barriers to Destiny Be Overcome?

Bibliography

About the Author

Endnotes

To my son,, Justin, who helped me

fulfill my destiny

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Preface

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

—William Shakespeare

The reason we are alive is to become a person of destiny, which is accomplished by discovering and fulfilling our life’s purpose. Since a person is unique and irreplaceable, each destiny occurs only once in the vastness of time and space. No one can compensate for another person’s unfulfilled destiny. We each have one song to sing, and spend our entire life trying to get it right. Although our unique talents and abilities are given by fate, like a seed planted in the ground, we choose whether or not to develop and use them in the present, one step at a time. Through choice, we either affirm or deny destiny.

So a crucial question is this: How do I evaluate my choices? Even a casual observer is aware of the staggering range of living conditions in the external world, and the dizzying range of things that happen to people, from the sublime to the tragic. Individuals, groups, religions, and cultures espouse an endless variety of beliefs, values, choices, and actions. We have little control over many things that happen in the external world, but it’s up to us how to respond to them. We have more choice when it comes to our inner world, although there will always be pressure to conform to other people’s expectations and demands. From the point of view of this book there’s only one viable criterion for evaluating beliefs, values, choices, feelings, and actions: Do they help or hinder movement toward destiny? The same criterion can be applied to the assessment of group, cultural, and religious beliefs, values, and norms. Whether looking inward to self or outward to society, this represents a pragmatic, results-oriented approach to effective living.

This book is intended to help people who want to clarify their destiny, and to identify and overcome barriers to its fulfillment, by taking a comprehensive overview of their life. It would be especially useful to clients in coaching and counseling relationships, and to the coaches and counselors guiding them. In addition the book illuminates the path to vocational choice and its relationship to avocation and passionate volunteering. It also helps define the path to leadership development.

A relationship exists between self-actualization and destiny, but they are different. Self-actualization has to do with developing one’s full potential, but destiny defines a direction for self-actualization, a way of knowing you’re headed in the right direction. This is crucial because the path defined by destiny represents the unfolding of your true, authentic self, independent of what the world or anyone else may say, and it’s worthy of fulfillment. You’re the one who has to live with it and, in the end, accept the life that was lived by it. Whenever you do something consistent with your destiny, there’s an inexplicable sense of rightness, a confirmation you’re on the right track. This is most effective when our inner world lines up to support it. The concepts and tools offered here provide a roadmap for evaluating your experiences, so you are better equipped to do this.

Among the major barriers to destiny are preconceived ideas and biases, which operate to narrow our world, restricting vision, choice, and action. I will argue that fulfilling our destiny requires us to grow in a manner that allows us to become increasingly inclusive of all humanity. Rigid beliefs about what’s true and false, or good and bad, often restrict our ability to accept those different from us, hence our options for choice. Destiny cuts through all the contentiousness stemming from competing beliefs and religious systems, and functions to bring about greater wholeness, unity, and harmony. It’s crucial, of course, for an author championing such a perspective to be aware of his own biases and their impact on his thoughts and choices. This also applies to cultural, philosophical, spiritual, and psychological biases. Anyone reading this book will be trying to determine my specific orientation. As stated above, I have only one conscious motive for this book—to help you discover and fulfill your destiny. I’m not interested in promoting any particular philosophical, spiritual, or psychological point of view. Nevertheless, I have been influenced by certain theoretical traditions and I feel it’s important to acknowledge these. As I was reviewing the literature for this book, I had a deep sense of affinity every time I read the word freedom. By this I mean inner, psychological freedom, the kind we can surrender but no one can take from us, even in prison. I resonate with the writings of philosophers and social scientists who have emphasized such freedom, especially Soren Kierkegaard, Paul Tillich, Abraham Maslow, Rollo May, Albert Camus, and Ernest Becker. As a therapist and personal coach my goal has been and continues to be helping people embrace their freedom and accept responsibility for choosing their life’s path.

In the free will debate I appropriately would be considered a compatibilist, someone who doesn’t see a conflict between determinism and free will. I will argue that destiny is a synthesis of fate and freedom. Destiny is choosing within the constraints of fate and putting those choices into action. In this sense, destiny is freedom’s purpose. The total amount of freedom we have is small but profound. My thinking has also been influenced by such Neo-Freudian and interpersonal theorists as Harry Stack Sullivan, Timothy Leary, Karen Horney, Carl Jung, Erich Fromm, Erik Erikson, Otto Rank, and others. I found a kindred spirit in the writing of William James, and his pragmatism provides an acid test for my more elusive ideas. The writings of French philosopher Henri Bergson have also greatly expanded my thinking, especially his ideas about intuition, and I highly recommend them to anyone seeking a more robust view of how the universe supports freedom and creativity. Written over 100 years ago, his works are still ahead of their time.

I will argue that destiny has three realms of expression which must become integrated to fulfill our life’s purpose: the personal or psychological, the interpersonal or social, and the universal or spiritual. It would be accurate to regard me an existential thinker in the tradition of philosopher and theologian Paul Tillich, although my views don’t align completely with those of any particular writer. I do believe in God, but my views about the nature of God would be hard to classify, and they continue to evolve. I’m a student rather than a teacher of theology. I believe it’s possible to have faith without possessing complete clarity about God’s nature. In fact, I don’t believe the human mind is capable of comprehending God completely. I see faith as what you trust for the next step, not a set of beliefs that are defended. I consider faith of this kind crucial to destiny. I had this epiphany while reading Camus’s book, The Myth of Sisyphus, which helped me come to grips with the fear of death that had dogged me throughout life. My eureka was that the gift of God is freedom, and that I would endeavor to embrace mine as long as I’m here—and help others do likewise.

Consistent with this, I don’t believe there’s a plan for my life, or anyone else’s for that matter. More fundamentally, I resist any concept that would remove the weight of responsibility I have for my choices. There are people in every generation presenting themselves as having found the answer, who offer some cheap form of security in exchange for gaining control over your choices. Taking the easy way is an illusion and, ultimately, a copout. There’s no amount of security worth the surrender of freedom. I’d rather be insecure and free than secure but enslaved. Many in our modern society view anxiety as bad—alleviating it is big business for the pharmaceutical industry—but existential anxiety is a symptom of freedom, and I regard anything that promises to relieve this anxiety as dubious. As someone who has been given freedom, it’s up to me to prize and protect it.

The book consists of seven chapters organized around what I call the Destiny System Model, which describes the complex interrelationship between the external environment and internal factors that impact choice and action. Chapter 1, What is Destiny? distinguishes destiny from fate, and describes both what destiny is and what it isn’t. The Personal Mission Exercise: Identifying your A Game provides an opportunity to begin clarifying your life’s purpose. This will help to focus your reading during the remainder of the book. Chapter 2, How does Destiny Shape Who I Am? describes how destiny is experienced, and how destiny defines our identity. A key distinction will be made between conditional self-worth, which keeps us insular and self-focused, and unconditional self-worth, which frees us to concentrate more on helping others and the world. Chapter 3, What Is the External Environment for Destiny? describes the physical, social, and spiritual environment and their impact on destiny.

Chapter 4, What Are the Inputs to Destiny? discusses some important psychological, social, and spiritual needs and how they motivate us to move toward or away from destiny. Chapter 5, How Do Internal Processes Impact Destiny? explains several interrelated processes that contribute to choice, with an emphasis on the establishment of a mission, vision and values. The Personal Vision Exercise allows you to explore possible ways to channel the mission you began clarifying through the exercise at the end of Chapter 1, and the Destiny Values Inventory offers an opportunity to compare your values to those associated with destiny. Chapter 6, How Can Barriers to Destiny Be Identified? provides a three-dimensional framework for locating potential barriers to destiny based on source, focus, and intensity. The Destiny Barriers Exercise allows you to identify specific obstacles to destiny. Chapter 7, How Can Barriers to Destiny Be Overcome? offers concrete suggestions for removing barriers. The Overcoming Barriers Exercise can be used to develop a plan of action for fulfilling your destiny.

Readers interested in a more detailed, scholarly rendering of selected topics can find it in the Notes section at the end of each chapter. I’ve attempted to integrate a wide range of complex ideas in a manner that fosters self-understanding and choice. This was challenging because many of the concepts addressed, such as free will, truth, self-concept, motivation, perception, cognition, values, and faith, have their own extensive body of literature and scholars who have devoted a lifetime to their study. Like any extensive research effort, I have been reminded of how much I don’t know. While humbled, I tried to remain focused on my objective—determining what I had to say about these important topics and how that might benefit the reader in terms of destiny. I have endeavored to provide a synthesis with some unique elements to enhance understanding and choice.

I’d like to thank the people who helped me with this project. I owe a special debt of gratitude to my good friend and colleague, Dr. Mike Chase, who read through the manuscript several times and provided detailed suggestions for each chapter. I also greatly appreciate the very helpful feedback provided by Dr. George McCall, Dr. Micah Janus, and Wade Jackson. I regard growth through feedback as essential to destiny; the input from these professionals has allowed me to move toward mine more fully than otherwise would have been possible.

My books are always a family affair, a chance to deepen my most precious relationships. My wife, Pat, has edited everything I’ve written since my first publication in 1976. She has always served as more than a copy editor, providing substantive input shaping the development and presentation of my tentative ideas. She has done a superb job of once again carrying out that role with this book, just as she did with previous ones.

I also want to thank my daughter, Natalie, for the excellent job she did designing the cover, proofreading and formatting the manuscript. She also designed my last book, Becoming a Genuine Giver: Overcoming Relationship Barriers, published in 2007. That book along with this one combine to form what I call my Becoming series, aimed at helping people build healthier relationship and have a more meaningful life. This book reintro-duces dolphin characters Iota and Mu from my previous one, who will journey along with the reader in their quest to identify and fulfill their destiny. I’m pleased that I’ve been able to benefit from Natalie’s talents with both projects.

Finally, I want to thank my son, Justin, for his contributions to the conceptual development of this work. Our long discussions about the various topics allowed me to greatly clarify and refine my ideas. His help was so timely and instrumental I have dedicated the book to him. I regard destinies as being intertwined, and I feel especially humble that my destiny has been woven together in significant ways with those I have acknowledged here.

Ken Hultman

June, 2012

1

WHAT IS DESTINY?

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"We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny.

But what we put into it is ours."

—Dag Hammarskjold

The purposes of this chapter are to define destiny, and examine conceptually what it is and what it isn’t. This is important because many people have misconceptions about destiny, hindering their ability to fully embrace and move toward it. In addition my views differ from those of other authors, so conceptual clarity is required to firmly establish the book’s thesis. The distinctions offered here will serve as a foundation for Chapter 2, where the focus is on the personal experience of destiny, and the role of destiny in defining our conception of self or identity.

Key questions addressed here are as follows:

•   How is destiny defined?

•   How does destiny relate to fate and free will?

•   Is destiny good, bad, or a combination?

•   Does destiny depend on willpower or faith?

•   Is destiny chosen through our powers of rational thinking?

The Personal Mission Exercise: Identifying your A Game, at the end of the chapter provides an opportunity to begin clarifying your life’s purpose. This is intended to focus your reading during the remainder of the book.

How Is Destiny Defined?

Over the years I have heard many people say, I’m not sure why I’m here; what’s my purpose in life? More depressed clients have gone further, stating in a downcast or even desperate tone, There’s no point in me being here; I’m just taking up space. These statements and questions almost always contain an underlying sense of urgency, even desperation, as if the person is missing something essential to moving forward—such as a soul—or is the only one who seems to be struggling with such questions. Perceived lack of purpose is accompanied by real suffering, and humans are perhaps the only species capable of committing suicide because they believe their life lacks purpose. So what will I do with the life I’ve been given?

Let’s probe this question, Why am I here? My answer is that we are here to discover and fulfill our destiny. What is destiny? I define destiny as an intuitive sense of purpose, encompassing the totality of your personal, social and spiritual being, and enabling you to make a positive contribution to the world. Many people view destiny as the culmination of one’s efforts to achieve a specific goal, like becoming a doctor or raising a family. The view offered here is different. I see destiny as an all-inclusive way of being representing your true, authentic self. It’s an orientation to living, a journey, a direction, a movement, a dance, not the final realization of some particular outcome. Destiny is in the moment and, only in the moment, an unfolding lifelong process full of twists and turns, drama and intrigue, defeat and victory birthed through choice and activated by unconditional self-acceptance. It isn’t something you figure out; it’s something you live.

I mentioned that destiny is intuitive, but what is intuition? Intuition is acquiring knowledge without inference or the use of reason. Intuitive knowledge is revealed, not inferred—it’s simply there. We come to know our destiny, but we don’t know how we know. Except in rare instances, young people seldom have a clear sense of why they’re here. Even if you’re unsure about your destiny, it’s helpful to act as though it will become clarified in time, and to reassure others that they will come to know theirs as well.

Destiny gradually unfolds over a lifetime. The restless search begins taking you in certain directions. I didn’t start to get a clear sense for my destiny until I was in my thirties, after extensive effort to develop my talents and abilities, but even now as I move into my seventies it is still evolving in ways that surprise and delight me. While we become aware of our destiny through intuition, we have the freedom to accept or reject the direction destiny suggests.

Whenever someone begins questioning whether or not they have a purpose, I tell them not to fret about it. I state emphatically that everyone has a destiny and they are no exceptions. I suggest that the process of discovering destiny should be approached with excitement, anticipation and fun, not with anxiety or desperation. We can enjoy the ride if we’re confident that it’s taking us where we want to go. Destiny speaks with a soft voice and can be overwhelmed by fear, anger, and other negative emotions. This reassurance usually sets a positive tone for initial, tentative efforts to discover and fulfill destiny. To further stimulate the thinking process about destiny, I ask questions such as these:

•   What gives you a sense of meaning and purpose?

•   What brings a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment?

•   What provides a sense of rightness or peace?

•   What do you care about?

•   What’s important to you?

•   What energizes you?

•   What piques your interest or curiosity?

•   What sparks your imagination?

•   What do you look forward to doing?

•   What do you do when no one’s telling you what to do?

I further explain that destiny includes two dimensions that combine to form what might be called our A Game: What we do well and what we enjoy. The Personal Mission Exercise: Identifying your A Game is included at the end of the chapter to help you clarify your destiny. My A Game consists of providing encouragement and perspective to people struggling with personal, social, or spiritual issues, and writing about them.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

—Robert Byrne

How Does Destiny Relate to Fate and