Disconnected: One Millenial’s Quest to Overcome Compulsion and Be Happy in Love

By Laurence William

A strikingly honest account of how I changed my approach to love and relationships. My unsustainable and compulsive behaviour with the women in my life had finally exploded in my face, and I was forced to confront the consequences of my actions and the reality of what my life had become. I was in my mid-thirties and had realized that I was incapable of connection and intimacy. I relied on compulsive and addicted behaviour to distract me from the real work I needed to do to be able to have a happy and healthy long-term relationship in my life. In this book, I detail some of the bad things I did as well as the process of change that I underwent. I was forced to really examine who I was and do the uncomfortable work to change. I examine all sorts of questions related to the nature of love, relationships, monogamy, and what it really takes to be happy. What I found out challenged everything I thought I knew. This book will give you the insight you need to get into and stay in a relationship while feeling that you have all you ever need.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 4, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543923247

Book preview

Connection

Section 1: The day it all fell apart

Nice day for a dog walk in the park she texts me … 

I had no idea that this would be the text message that would change my life. At this point, I was days away from my thirty-fifth birthday.  It would be the text message that would set me on a new course.  I would finally have the perspective I needed to see my addictions and compulsions for what they were and make necessary changes in my life. 

I had been working on myself before that day, but having it all blow up was really what I needed to see my life for what it had become: out of control.

Let’s rewind a bit. 

Two years before this life-changing day, I had just abandoned my cherished bachelor pad and moved in with a girl I reluctantly referred to as my love.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, I did. I just didn’t know if I knew how to cope with the idea of actually being in love with someone and the implications of what that meant. 

Throughout my whole life, I’ve gone in and out of two-year relationships with a series of women that all made sense for me at that given time in my life.  These women all loved me and gave themselves to me, but I never fully returned the favour. 

I was always half-checked in or half-checked out, whatever you want to call it.  I always resented these women in some small way for their attempts to control me.  I always thought to myself, Sure they can have me now, but only I own me, and I will always maintain my autonomy over myself.

Sex was and remains one of my favourite activities; why should I forego opportunities simply because of social constructs that didn’t serve my yearnings? 

If I could have sex, some sort of emotional affair, or anything else along those lines while also maintaining what I thought was a good relationship with my partner, why would it matter?  And why would I even think that my girlfriend at the time should know about it?  After all, it had nothing to do with her!

I always believed that what someone didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.

I tried to resist bowing down to this unfair pressure to domesticate myself, but there was no way out.  Circumstance had played its hand, and Audrey and I either had to move in together or admit to ourselves and the universe that there was no point in continuing with what we were doing and instead just break up. 

I was too much of a coward to do that. I had a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment from my childhood that controlled me.

As such, I bowed to the pressure and became domesticated.  We rented a nice two-story, two-bedroom townhouse and made it into our little den of happiness.

I was living the dream.  That’s what I was being told anyway.  On paper, it was everything that any man should want.  I had it all.  I was living with a great woman who took care of me and nurtured me.

I wasn’t happy, though, and didn’t really know why.  I didn’t know why what I had didn’t feel like it was enough.

The problem was that I had deep intimacy issues that had never been addressed, and living this way was very uncomfortable for me, even if at the time I didn’t know why.  I had always had those issues, but living by myself and being a habitual pot smoker made it easy to numb those feelings