A Study Of Modern Political Correctness (Or How To Offend Everybody In Less Than 200 Pages)

By BJ Whittenbury

This book is a collection of sixteen short stories for the bold and brave.
The stories range from the bizarre to the ridiculous, from steamy and erotic to dark and dangerous. The stories feature vampires, werewolves, mythological creatures, witches, Fallen Angels, psychotic females, Vestal Virgins, female assassin’s, and even Satan, the Prince of Darkness drops in for a chat.
All stories are introduced and commented on by the very politically incorrect Johnny Romero, a twenty-four-year-old welfare recipient from Boston.
During his rambles, we learn that Johnny swears a lot, loves chicks, has a fear of the Roadrunner, would like to get intimately involved with cartoon characters Jessica Rabbit and Lois (from Family Guy) and eventually wants to start up his own religious cult.
To the Bold and Brave, step right up, although for the timid and easily offended, tread warily ...

• Language: English
• Publisher: BJ Whittenbury
• Release date: Jun 28, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370171774

BJ Whittenbury

Brendan Whittenbury lives in Melbourne, Australia.A STUDY OF MODERN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS VOLUME TWO is now available. July 2019.

Book preview

Authors Note

All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This publication is intended for an adult audience, and features coarse language, depictions of sexual activity and adult themes.

Introduction

Hey Romero here, Johnny Romero.

I’m kinda like your guide or something yeah, you know, introduce these short stories to you or something.

So I dunno, maybe I’m like a story introducer or something, yeah?

But anyway’s you get the picture; I say here comes a short story and like you read it okay.

But anyway’s, come, walk with me, because it’s like Thursday yeah, like the ‘good’ Thursday, welfare Thursday, and me and the boy’s always meet down at Christie’s and like you know, talk shit and drink see.

And okay, like you’re probably thinking Christie’s, what a dump!

And yeah, maybe it ain’t the Hilton, but they got the cheapest beer prices okay, and me and the boy’s gotta budget, like try and make the money last till the next ‘good’ Thursday see.

So come on, off to Christie’s we go; most of the boy’s will already be there.

So let’s … huh?

Story?

Oh okay, yeah, the first short story is coming, so you know, read it.

Men With Wings

I hate freaking Angels.

In my village in the province of Canaan, everything was going smoothly until a freaking Angel decided to come down from Heaven.

The older folk in the village often told us the stories about Angels descending from the Heavens and seeking out young lasses, but we’d never seen it happen.

I sought out Enoch one day to ask him about it.

Enoch was the wise old sage of our village; ‘Seen it all, done it all!’ he used to say.

Did it really happen Enoch, did Angels really come down from Heaven?

True my boy, for better than twenty years they doth descend and taketh a young lass who begat a child for them.

Yeah, Angel babies? I asked.

The children are a product of an Angelic/human coupling, and the scribes have chosen to call them Nephilim.

So are these Nephilim kinda like God’s children?

No, the Angels who descended and succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh were all banished from God’s kingdom, and they now serve the devil. We call them the Fallen Angels, and their offspring, the Nephilim, are treated as outcasts.

Some of the girls are saying that they saw an Angel at Mount Hermon last week.

I heard that and I’m surprised. There hasn’t been an Angel sighting for more than two years.

* * *

I sought out Zillah, who I was very keen on.

Zillah had golden hair and eyes the colour of the sky, and one time, down by the river, I kissed her. She was in my plans for the future.

Hey Zill.

Hey Trevor.

You wanta go sit by the river?

Nah, sorry Trev, got chores to do then I gotta get my shoulder done. she smiled innocently.

Ever since the Angel sighting, all the young girls had gone bananas. They were all getting Immocules to paint Angels on their shoulders, and most of them were cutting the hem of their garments above their knees.

Zillah had beautiful knees, and I thought it was my responsibility to tell her what Enoch had said.

Zill if this Angel dude begat you, you’ll have a Nephilim, and the kid will become an outcast.

Yeah I heard that.

I gazed at her shyly; Plus Zill, I wanted to be the one who begat you.

Ohhh, that’s so sweet! she smiled compassionately; But Trev, how many chances do you get to be fucked by an Angel?

Hmmm, how could I answer that?

* * *

By late afternoon, all the young girls were buzzing with excitement.

So we all go to Mount Hermon tonight? asked Nivinia.

Yes! proclaimed Aisha; They say he has hair of gold and huge wings!

I heard he’s all shiny! exclaimed Propheus.

I heard he wears no garment and his wang is swinging in the breeze! added Lydia.

And he supposedly shaves his balls! said Naamah.

* * *

By mid-evening, Nivinia, Aisha, Propheus, Lydia, Naamah and Zillah went to Mount Hermon.

As we watched them walk away, my best friend Noah muttered; Freaking Angels!

Yeah, this sucks, I moaned; I was going to try and get to second base with Zill tonight.

He gazed at me; You wanta follow them and see what happens?

I had noticed that both Zillah and Propheus had cut their garments another inch shorter; Yeah, let’s do it!

We stayed out of view, and watched and waited.

And waited and waited.

I was just starting to nod off when Noah nudged me excitedly; Trev, Trev!

I looked up in amazement as I saw a shining beam of light in the dark night, the beam descending in ethereal tardiness.

The girls were all squealing and bouncing up and down, and I noticed that Propheus wasn’t wearing her loin cloth.

Holy crap! exclaimed Noah.

The beam touched the ground, and the flapping of giant wings broke the stillness of the night.

The beam softened, and an image became visible as all the girls gasped.

There he stood, legs askew, wings spread, his golden hair flowing past his shoulders, and yeah, the freaking show-off wasn’t wearing any garment.

Angels get circumcised? Noah wondered.

Propheus was the self-appointed leader of the group and she knelt before him as she whispered shakily; Oh Shiny, Naked Angel, how may we please you?

I had never heard Propheus speak in such a timid manner. She was aloof and confident and normally spoke with command in her voice, indeed the last time I spoke to her, she stated aggressively; ‘Piss off Dickwad!’

But now before this Angel dude, her voice had a distinct waver.

Si nudetur me! the Angel commanded.

The girls looked at each, confused, until Propheus asked; Pardon?

The Angel shook his head; Oh sorry, that was Latin; I said disrobe for me.

Noah and me inched closer, our eyes wide open.

Soon six bodies were on display, the flesh glistening in the dulcet moonlight.

And I mean crap, I’d been begging Zill for weeks to give me a look at her loin cloth, and she kept saying; ‘Trevor, excuse me but I’m a lady!’

All this Wanker has to do is say, Disrobe for me, and garments are off before you have time to blink.

Gee, Zillah did have a spanking butt though.

Propheus lay before him and the Angel engaged, his wings flapping in time with his none too subtle thrusts, Propheus baying like a lamb.

The Angel begat Propheus, Aisha, Lydia, Naamah and my Zillah, but before laying herself down, Nivinia was curious; So like if I let you hump me, are you gonna marry me?

The Angel huffed; I’m an Angel and I’m not bound by any earthly traditions.

Okay, but I want some kind of commitment from you. I want to know that you’ll play a part in my child’s upbringing.

Forget it! the Angel laughed; I’m outta here!

Wait, wait! Nivinia pleaded; Okay, you can hump me but I want a little kissing first. I mean with these other skanks, you hardly even touched them, it was just like, Wham-bam, thank-you ma’am!

Ohh, okay, a couple of kisses, sure.

And fondle my boobs too.

You do realise that I’m Angel, don’t you?

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pay a little attention to me!

Okay, fondle boobs, sure.

And lick my puss too.

Ohh, alright; but let’s make it quick because you’re starting to kill the mood!

And one last thing-

For God’s sake, what now?

You have to give me an orgasm, you have to make me cumm.

The Angel stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head; Nahh, not interested. You’re just too demanding lady!

The Angel prepared to take flight, but Nivinia, realising that she may never get another chance to be humped by an Angel, lay before him, still muttering; Lazy bastard.

* * *

The next afternoon, Zillah confronted me.

You were watching? she asked, clearly dismayed.

Watching what?

Lydia said she saw you and Noah watching the Angel hump us! she stated, her eyes blazing with aggression.

Ummm, ummm, we just wanted to make sure nothing happened to any of you.

The fire went out of her eyes and she lowered her gaze as she scuffed her right sandal into the dirt; Arrrhh, I guess that’s kind of noble, but Trev, getting humped by an Angel is a pretty personal experience.

I watched as her sandal drew circles in the dirt, then I raised my gaze as I mumbled; Did you, you know, enjoy it?

For a moment she stared at me, then lowered her gaze again; Yeah well I felt kinda celestial while it was happening, but all of us were talking about it this morning, and Nivinia was right.

About?

Well it was all about him, just about him getting his rocks off. Niv was the only one he kissed, and she just about had to beg him to fondle her boobs, and like what’s wrong with him anyway? I mean nobody ever died by licking someone’s puss.

Ohhh, me heated in a garment raising manner.

Ummm Zill,

What?

If you like, I’ll lick your puss.

For an anxious moment she stared at me, then looked over her shoulder, then looked to the ground.

Without saying a word, she clasped my hand and led me away.

* * *

With my hands behind my head, and Zill’s face on my shoulder, I stared into the darkening sky, pleased that I was no longer a virgin.

How was it for you Zill? I asked, still in a dreamy contentment.

She gazed up at me; I guess I’ve been humped twice in two days, once by an Angel and once by an Average Joe.

Hmmmm …

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer, but I had to ask; Who was better?

She smiled for me; The experience with you was better, because you gave me an orgasm.

I smiled as well; I’ll treasure the memory; giving you your first orgasm.

Ummm, it wasn’t actually my first orgasm. she said timidly.

Me not smiling now; Huh?

Well you know, Nivinia masturbated last year and then told us all about it, and then I guess ever since, we’ve all been having a go at it.

You masturbate?

She gazed at me shyly; Once you start it’s kinda hard to stop.

* * *

Word spread quickly around the village, and the Council of Elders had no option but to bring the six girls before them.

You stupid bitches, laying with an Angel! I hope you all realise that you’re going to give birth to Nephilim children, and Nephilim are like the bottom of the barrel! Ecob exclaimed.

Propheus didn’t like being pushed around by anybody, and she spoke up.

Really? I heard that Nephilim grow to be mighty men, men of renown!

The Council of Elders ummed and arrhhed until Ecob replied forcefully; Whatever the case, we will not tolerate Nephilim in our village, so all six of you are banished from this village forever!

* * *

The next day, all the people of the village watched as the Council of Elders banished the girls.

Noah stood next to me as we watched the girls skulk away.

Trev, they were the best-looking girls in the village! he fretted.

I turned around to look at the remaining collection of eligible girls, and my heart sank.

Tooseus was funny looking and Elisa was overweight, Lamenti looked like a man and Cesiuis had a bad wind problem, while Leah walked funny because of a hip problem and Irena, well all the young men knew Irena pretty well.

I was in a heightened state of anxiety, but then I thought about Zillah’s butt.

Zill wait; I’m coming with you!

Noah ran towards Naamah; Naah, can I come with you?

Will you take me for your wife? Naamah asked.

Indeed I will! Noah declared.

And Jacob ran to Lydia and Joktan ran to Aisha and Nahor ran to Nivinia and Abram ran to Propheus.

Everybody was happy, well most everybody.

Nivinia inquired of Nahor; You’ll do oral for me?

Ummm, yeah, sure. he replied bashfully.

Propheus regarded Abram for a moment then turned back to the village; Joseph, you don’t want to take me as your wife?

Nahhh, you’re too bossy!

Prick! she huffed as she took Abram’s hand; Come on then, you’ll do.

* * *

We settled near Sodom and established our new village.

Propheus advised us that she was our Council of Elders, and nobody argued with her.

All six couples were to marry on the same day, although the day before the ceremony, Zill approached me.

You don’t have to marry me if you don’t want to Trev; I mean I realise that I’m soiled.

I wanted to see her bum again and I wanted to begat with her again, so I exclaimed excitedly; I love you and I want to marry you!

Ohhh honey! she kissed me then gazed into my eyes; You do realise I have a Nephilim growing inside me?

With the Angel, he was really quick, and I begat you the next day, so it could be my child Zill!

I wish it was baby, but they say that Angels have a one hundred per cent strike rate!

* * *

Nine months later our village welcomed our new arrivals; six Nephilim babies.

How did I know they were all Nephilim? Simple; they were mighty babies, babies of renown.

* * *

We called our village, Next To Sodom, so that passers-by wouldn’t confuse us with Sodom, because Sodom, man, was that place out of control!

We’d heard whispers that most of the citizens were wild Nephilim or off shoots of wild Nephilim, and all the weirdo’s, miscreant’s, debauched or generally unhinged tossers were attracted to Sodom or its neighbour, Gomorrah.

After a long time of redirecting tossers to either Sodom or Gomorrah, we erected a fence around our village and placed a big sign out the front;

THIS IS NOT SODOM OR GOMORRAH;

FOR ALL UNCLEAN AND UNHEALTHY

PRACTICES, PLEASE CONTINUE UP THE ROAD A BIT

TO WHERE ALL THE FREAKING NOISE IS

COMING FROM!

* * *

Zill and me called our Nephilim child Zildan, and because I was in love with Zill’s gorgeous butt, we had another child before the next rains.

A human child.

Eight rainy seasons later, we had five children; Zildan, Zildoes, Zildoesn’t, Ssshhbequiet, and, and … I can’t remember the other one’s name.

Nivinia and Nahor had eight children, although funny, some of them didn’t really look much like Nahor.

Everybody in the village worked hard, cultivating our crops and expanding our boundaries to cater for our increasing population.

Nivinia always volunteered if we needed to get supplies from our noisy and boisterous neighbours; ‘I might stay overnight.’ she advised Nahor.

He was always happy with that, as her physical demands were starting to take a toll on him.

* * *

When Zildan had reached the age of sixteen rainy seasons, Zill and me thought it was time he knew of his origins.

So like your dad is your dad yeah, and he loves you and everything, Zill began; But he’s not actually your real father.

I know. Zildan replied blandly.

Zill and me looked at one another, Zill clearly surprised as she asked; You know?

I have visions mum, and the Fallen Angel, Azazeal is my dad.

Nothing left to be said, although Zildan gazed at me; Is it okay if I call you Trevor from now on?

Hmmm, guess so.

Zill was concerned about it and wanted to discuss it with the Council of Elders.

Hey Proph, how ya doing? Thought I better tell you that Zildan knows that the lazy Angel is his father.

Propheus sat straight in her chair, trying to look regal; Yeah, well all the Nephilim kids have visions; don’t you read your pamphlets?

Ohhh sorry, I’ve been tied up.

God Zillah, takes me two minutes to do the housework!

No, I meant literally; Trev’s got this fetish thing happening, and he ties me up and spanks my butt.

Ohhh kinky; don’t tell Nivinia about it, or else she’ll move in!

Zill was satisfied and stood to leave, when Propheus’s voice stopped her in her tracks.

Thinking about what I just said, if you have another kid, got a cool name for the child,

What?

Godzilla!

Zill dropped her gaze; You been smoking the funny stuff again?

Who me? Propheus boomed in mock outrage; No, no way, of course not … then lowered her gaze; Ummm, actually, might have had a little one.

Zill raised her eyebrows.

Propheus relaxed back into a more comfortable position; Niv got some wicked stuff from Gomorrah; wanta come over tonight and share one?

Zill smiled; I will if I don’t get tied up!

* * *

Things were good in Next To Sodom.

In the rainy season it rained and in the fall, things fell and in the sunny season it was freaking hot and in the spring, yeah, well, not really sure what happened in the spring.

Me and Zill had another kid, but things got a little confusing.

That’s a stupid name! I spluttered in frustration.

Baby, come on, I like it!

I mean think about it Zill, we shorten all our kid’s names, but we can’t shorten Godzilla!

Yes we can.

No seriously, we can only shorten it to Zill which is you, or to God, and I mean, don’t they say, Do not take the name of our God in vain!

We ended up calling