They Never Saw Her Tears

By S.J. Johnson

Travel through the life of Nicole. A survivor of an abusive life beginning in childhood and continuing through her struggles to assure her children do not follow in her footsteps.

• Language: English
• Publisher: S.J. Johnson
• Release date: Jul 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465830487

S.J. Johnson

I am a mother of three adult children, and grandmother of five. I live in Ohio and I have had a life-long dream to write a best- selling novel. Although I usually spend my creative time composing poetry, I wrote my first short story when I was ten years old. Needless to say, it got lost in the shuffle somewhere along the lines of growing up. But my dreams of being a recognized author never swayed.

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They Never Saw Her Tears

by

Sanobia Johnson

Published by Sanobia Johnson at Smashwords

Copyright 1994 Sanobia Johnson

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January 23, 1995, Brookside Mental Hospital

She doesn't respond to the treatments we've been giving her, we don't know what else to do.

Well, Dr. Cross, you're going to have to try something else, and keep on trying until you get some kind of result. The District Attorney is not going to rest until he sees that poor woman prosecuted.

'They all think I'm crazy, but I'm not. I mean if I can rationalize the fact that they all want me to be crazy and I don't think I am crazy, then I'm probably not crazy. Right? Dr. Cross says if I just speak to her she can help keep me from going to jail. If I just tell why I did it, she can explain it to that asshole District Attorney and his shit for brains assistant and maybe I can plead temporary insanity. Well, I'm not insane. I told that no good motherfucker if he ever touched me again I'd kill him. I warned him. Why should I have to explain it to anyone else? No one was willing to help me when he was putting me through hell. No one was willing to stand up and help me when I really needed their help. So now, fuck 'em!'

CHAPTER I

May 3, 1975

No mommy! Please don’t make me go! I’ll be good, I swear. Please don’t make me go! Nicole pleaded, sobbing violently.

You have to go to the daycare, Nicole because I have to go to work. Now please, put on your shoes and let’s go.

Nicole did as she was told and went out to stand by the car. She didn’t make a sound during the ride to the daycare; silently she stared out the window until they reached the cobblestone road of the manse in which she would spend the next nine hours. As they turned onto the road, Nicole closed her eyes tightly and covered her ears until the car came to a complete stop. Getting out of the car, she tried another futile attempt to convince her mother not to make her go before resigning herself to the day ahead.

Good Morning, Nicole! Mrs. Bannon threw open the door and flashed a welcoming smile as she took Nicole’s hand to lead her inside. You’re just in time for breakfast. Go on now, the other children are already in the kitchen.

Hesitantly, Nicole walked through to the kitchen and took her assigned seat. As she looked around at the other children, tears began to roll down her cheeks.

Oh now there’s no need for all that, Nicole. In fact, Mr. Bannon has another special surprise for you today because you were such a good girl yesterday. Mrs. Bannon led Nicole through a set of double doors leading off from the kitchen. Now you just take a seat right there on that stool, Nicole. Mr. Bannon, look here’s Nicole. She seems saddened today; perhaps she’d like a special treat? Nicole, would you like some raisins? Nicole shook her head and cried, I don’t like raisins anymore.

That’s a mighty pretty sweater you’re wearing, Nicole. Mr. Bannon complimented. But much too warm for this season, I suspect. I’ll help you off with it now. Mr. Bannon removed Nicole’s sweater, smearing her tear-stained face, and tossed the sweater into the corner of the closet. Did you have a bad morning, Nicole? Surely there’s no reason for such a pretty girl to be doing so much crying. I have something much nicer than raisins for you today. Yes, much nicer. You’re going to love what I have for you today. Mr. Bannon took Nicole’s hand and placed it on his now erect penis, Now that’s much better than raisins, yes? Close your eyes, Nicole. Close your eyes and open your mouth and I’ll give you your extra special treat today. Wanting it to all be over, Nicole did as she was told. She retched upon tasting the bitterness of Mr. Bannon’s special surprise. With the mixed sound of disappointment and anger, he hissed, Get her out of here!

Mrs. Bannon dragged Nicole out into the kitchen and slammed a bowl of cold oatmeal onto the table. You eat it all up now, don’t get yourself up until it’s gone. With that Mrs. Bannon disappeared back through the double doors, closing them behind her. Nicole sat at the table, staring vacantly at the huge white stove as she ate her cold oatmeal.

Nicole didn’t have to stay at daycare for nine hours this day. In fact, just over an hour later she was standing outside amidst crying children, water hoses, and fire engines as her mother pulled up to the curb in time to see the last of the flames extinguished. Nicole never ate raisins again; she also never went back to daycare.

January 23, 1976

As soon as you two get out of the tub, we'll all have dinner and read a story before settling down for bed. Okay?

Okay mom.

Okay mom.

I'm going to go check on dinner, you two start washing and I'll be right back.

Nicole, let's pretend we're those people we saw on T.V. today. You know, the ones that were kissing and stuff.

Okay Jason. Ummm baby kiss me again, show me you love me more than you love that woman you were with yesterday.

Nicole laughed. Just then the door flew open and both Jason and Nicole nearly jumped out of the tub.

What is going on here? Just what do you think you're doing?

Nothing mom, just kidding around. We were just kidding around, right Nicole?

Get out of that tub right now. Jason, you go to your room. Nicole, I want to see you in the living room right now!

See Jason, you got us in trouble again. Nicole cried.

Don't worry about it. Just tell her we were kidding around, and we didn't mean anything by it. If that doesn't work, say you're sorry.

What do you mean if that doesn't work? That is all we were doing! Wasn't it?

Sometimes you act like such a little kid. Always want to be grown, until you get caught doing something, then all of a sudden you want to be the innocent little five year old again! Just do like I said, and everything will be fine.

Nicole wrapped her towel around herself and headed off towards the living room wondering what Jason meant by her wanting to act like the innocent little five year old. After all she was only five. Also she was wondering what kind of punishment she would get this time.

What was all of that about? Mom looked so serious it almost frightened Nicole.

Nothing mom, we were just kidding around. You know like they do on T.V..

Did Jason put his penis into your vagina?

Huh?

Mom sighed deeply, Go to bed.

Nicole went off to her room to put on her pajamas, wondering what the heck a penis and vagina could be. She soon decided it didn't matter because once again Jason was right, he was always right, and everything was fine.

October 5, 1977

Okay class, let's all gather on the rug. We're going to watch a movie this afternoon. Quiet everyone. We're all going to be quiet so our neighbor can enjoy the movie.

As the kindergarten class gathered together on the special rug, Nicole shuffled around trying to avoid Charles. He always wanted to sit next to her so he could put his arm around her. She had told Mrs. Galbraith, but this still didn't stop him from wanting to be close to her, so she tried to make sure there was always someone between her and Charles.

Please Nicole stop moving around, you're delaying the movie. I'm sure the rest of the class would like to get started, but if you would rather not be a part of our group you may wait in the hall until we're finished.

Nicole sat still with her hands in her lap, praying Charles wouldn't scoot next to her. Just as the lights went out, she sensed him sliding next to her.

Nicole, will you be my girlfriend?

No Charles, leave me alone.

Charles had asked Nicole this many times before and now Nicole thought about what Jason had told her. He warned her that this would happen. Nicole when you get to school, a lot of boys are going to ask you to be their girlfriend. You make sure you tell them no because they'll do things to you that you won’t like and I'll get mad. Then there will be a lot of trouble because you will have to explain to mom why I'm mad. Do you understand?

Nicole hadn't understood and she told Jason this. What do you mean they will do things? What things?

Jason looked mad already. They will want to touch you, and if they do it won't be right. A boy can really hurt a girl if he touches her the wrong way. You could get pregnant. You know, have a baby. Now do you understand?

Nicole understood what it meant to have a baby. Mom and Nicole were watching television the night before and a lady was having a baby on the show they werewatching. Nicole remembered thinking she didn't ever want that to happen to her because the woman was screaming and crying. Nicole was really scared now because Charles had started sliding his hand up her leg. She tried to push it away but noticed Mrs. Galbraith staring at her, and she knew if she continued to wiggle, the teacher would remove her from the room. Nicole loved school and she didn't want to be a problem for her teacher, or a disappointment to her mother so she sat still and let Charles rub her thigh.

He soon became bored with her thigh and proceeded to move towards her panties. Nicole didn't know what to do. She wanted to yell at him to stop, but she knew her teacher would be mad at her for disrupting the movie. When she felt his hand slip under her panties she did yell.

Stop it! I don't want to have a baby!

She got up and ran out of the room. Mrs. Galbraith caught up with her just as Nicole was headed out the school. Nicole was crying so hard she couldn't understand what her teacher was trying to say to her, so just she let Mrs. Galbraith lead her into the nurse’s office.

Nicole, tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?

I'm sorry. I didn't want you to be mad at me. Please don't tell my mom, I don't want her mad at me too.

Why would we be mad at you Nicole?

Because I let Charles touch me and now I'm going to have a baby.

Nicole didn't know if she was crying because she was scared about having a baby or because she had made her teacher mad and disappointed her mother. All she knew for sure was that she just felt sad.

Honey I'm not sure what Charles did to you, but I can tell you whatever it was, it's not going to make you have ababy. You shouldn't even be worrying about such a thing. Little girls don't have babies. Only mommies can have babies, okay? Do you understand?

No, Jason said if a boy touches a girl she can have a baby and Charles touched me. Now I'm going to have a baby and everybody is going to be mad at me.

I really don't think you should go back to class today Nicole. You're too upset and I don't know what to say to calm you down. How about I call your mom so she can come and pick you up?

No! Please don't call my mom. If she comes to pick me up, she'll know I did something bad and she'll be mad at me and I'll get in trouble. Don't tell anyone, please.

Okay Nicole, just calm down. What if I ask the principal if you can stay here until school is over, and you can just go home then. Will that be better?

Thank you Mrs. Galbraith, and I'm sorry I messed up the movie and made you mad at me.

I'm not mad Nicole. I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

Mrs. Galbraith left Nicole in the nurse’s office for the remainder of the afternoon. Nicole fell asleep on the cot and dreamt of what it would be like for her to have a baby. At the end of the school day, her teacher returned to let her know she could go home. Mrs. Galbraith found Nicole curled up on the cot crying in her sleep.

This poor child. God watch over her.

CHAPTER II

June 20, 1980

Jason, how come mom always has to leave us here by ourselves? What if something happens? Like the house catches on fire or someone breaks in?

Quit being such a baby. Nothing is going to happen, and even if something does happen I'll take care of it. That's why mom leaves us here alone. She knows I can take of you and she has to go to work. We have everything we need without her here anyway.

But what about when you leave? What am I suppose to do if you're not here and something happens?

Nothing is going to happen!

Nicole went to her room to watch T.V. still wondering why mom leaves her alone with him. Doesn't she know what's going on? Every since the family moved back to Columbus, Jason's game had gotten out of hand. It wasn't fun anymore and most of the time Nicole refused to play, which caused Jason to get really upset and hit her. He always apologized after but Nicole still didn't understand why he insisted on making her play when he knew the game hurt her.

The last time they played he had bitten her and made her cry that really made him mad. He called her a baby again. She hated when he did that. She wasn't a baby, she was nine years old and could cook, clean and dance better than him. Mom loved to watch Nicole dance, and she loved to dance for mom. It was their special time together. Nicole would put on her favorite records and dance for hours, or until mom fell asleep. Nicole decided that's what she would do today. When mom came home from work, Nicole would pull out the little record player she had gotten