Fangs & Fun

By Jonathan Harvey

Fangs & Fun is a collection of fourteen shorts from the World of the Terrible Turtle Conspiracy. They are humorous tales concerning vampires and featuring character favorites that have been or will be in the Terrible Turtle Conspiracy Comic. Axe: Scourge of the Undead, Willy Osborn, and Biffy the Vampire Killer all feature in stories designed to bring about a chuckle or at least a smile. Undeath in a different light!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Harvey
• Release date: Sep 18, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370563302

Jonathan Harvey

Throughout history people have asked themselves, “How can I find out more about the author of this book?” and then began to worry that someone heard them talking to themselves. Well, the author of Shades of Plaid doesn’t want anyone to worry like that. But, you notice, he still hasn’t told you who he is. By now, he should have told you that his name was Jonathan Harvey, that he is a Christian author and then maybe said something about having recently moved to Florida. The guy hasn’t even stated that he writes a web comic or anything like that... Oh wait, he just did. Well, that was sneaky.

Book preview

FANGS AND FUN

Jonathan Harvey

First Smashwords Edition 2016

Copyright 2009-2016 by Jonathan Harvey

Published by Smashwords

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Jorick, Katelina, and Amaranthine are copyright Joleene Naylor. Used with permission.

Any similarities between characters in these stories and other fictional characters is intentional for the purpose of parody.

Cover by Joleene Naylor

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Other books by Jonathan Harvey:

Shades of Plaid

101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire with Joleene Naylor

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Contents:

Axe: Scourge of the Undead

The Price of Fame

What are the Odds?

A Night on the Town

On the Twilight Bandwagon

Arch Nemesis

The Best of You

The Costume Dilemma

Party’s Over

Stranger Danger

Legacy of Stalking

Tragic Lost Love

Somebody’s Got to Do It

Barbara’s Really Bad Day

Axe: Scourge of the Undead

It's two in the morning. Most ordinary people are in their beds, fast asleep, and dreaming their little dreams of rainbows and lollipops. Not Me! I have a job to do. At two in the morning, I'm out in some poor schmuck's garden doing my best to exterminate a bunch of bunnies. These are no ordinary bunnies. The smear of red on their cute furry little faces does not come from raiding the tomatoes in the garden. It's blood! These rotten little rodents are undead bunnies. Undead bunnies! How the heck does that happen? What is the world coming to? Even cute little creatures of nature are not safe from the undead plague. Someone has to eliminate the lot. That someone is me.

My name is Axe, and I am the scourge of the undead. I'm the guy who keeps you safe while you rest cozy in your little beds. I'm the guy! It's me! There is no one else keeping the undead at bay. Do you think Stupendous Man would be found out in some stinking patch of vegetables in the middle of the night fighting off a bunch of mutant zombie varmints? No! He can't be bothered. He's too busy hanging out with beautiful women, signing autographs, and pushing that stupid comic book of his. Sure, the guy might seem invincible, bullets might bounce off his chest, but I bet that creep would have no idea what to do if he was ever confronted by a horde of mutant zombies. Sometimes I marvel at how all those eggheads in Day and Dark seem to put this guy on a pedestal. Stupendous Man actually has sponsors! Not me. I'm an independent. I'm a dark horse in the middle of the night, busting my butt to keep you safe. It's a thankless job, but someone has to do it.

Dispatching the undead is messy, stinking work. With the exception of vampires, most of your undead are walking around partially decomposed. These creatures make no effort in smelling nice. If you get into any sort of confrontation with one in a space that is not properly ventilated, you're going to find yourself in some real trouble. There were times early on when I tried nose plugs. Nose plugs are pretty effective for blocking out the smell. The only problem with nose plugs is that it gives those stinky little buggers the opportunity to sneak up on you. I've given up on the nose plugs and have decided to tough it out. This is probably why there are not a lot of superheroes that deal with the undead problem. Most of them are wimps who can't stomach the smell.

I'm a very necessary part of the superhero community. As far as I know, I'm the only one who does what I do and I'm happy to say that I'm pretty darn good at it. Still, I never seem to get any recognition in the superhero community. I never get invited to join any of their leagues or teams. Every year I check the Superhero Who's Who and find that once again I don't even get an honorable mention. How can I not get an honorable mention? They mention Kitten Girl in the Superhero Who's Who and she's never even faced a super villain! I don't even think she fights crime. She's just a pretty girl who dresses in spandex and runs around rescuing stray kittens from danger. In my book she's not even a real superhero and yet, not only is she mentioned in the Superhero Who's Who, but they produce Kitten Girl calendars and posters every year. I can't even get a comic book that lasts more than four issues. Where is the justice in that? I shouldn't even get started with the comic book thing. It really ticks me off.

Okay, I'm going there! Almost