The Anatomy of Abuse: Better or Bitter?

By Roy Major

As a baby being formed in his mother's womb, aspirin and alcohol coursed through his veins, damaging his brain and body. He was to suffer so much that at his birth, the doctors said he would die within the hour. At the age of three, he sat in a room with bare cement walls and a dirt floor, unloved and unwanted, told that his mom wished he would die. At the age of eight, suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome and a left leg that was three inches shorter than his right, he sat on a doctor's examination table. At forty-three, he began to examine his past, forgive, and get better. I should know, for I was that baby. About the Author I was born in the small town of Teulon, Manitoba. God set me apart before I was even born, calling my life into being even though the doctors said I wouldn't live. When I was six years old, I moved with my parents to an acreage just outside Portage la Prairie. After high school, I left to attend Bible college in Saskatoon, where I got married. In 1991, I moved with my wife up north, where I learned a lot about what not to do. A year later, I was back in Saskatoon, where I learned a lot about what not to say. While there, I found freedom-in more ways than one.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Word Alive Press
• Release date: Feb 7, 2013
• ISBN: 9781486603350

Book preview

C2012-904700-7

Dedication

Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, for without Him, I could not have the life, liberty and love to write this book.

table of contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Prologue

1. Revenge or mercy?

2. A reprieve

3. An inquiry of Myself

4. A Partial Accountability

5. Is it Fight or Flight?

6. He Was the Road Block

7. Wading through the consequences

8. An allegory of Life's Path

9. God Severed All Ties

10. what I was Once Like

11. A White Dove

12. Praise and Worship

13. Christian Counselling

14. Lifestyle Worship

15. Certain Childhood Toys

16. Moving into New Lands

17. I'm Never to Forget Where I Came From

18. Pattern Connections

19. God Set the Pattern

20. And the Real Work Begins...Already Begun, Okay

21. Example of Restoration

22. Fisher's of Men and Fisher's of Hearts

23. Snap!

24. Time Management Allegory

25. God took Candice out...and then Betz

26. Alcoholics' Anonymous (AA) Open meeting notes

27. Opportunities and Testings (9 May 2010)

28. Knowledge of, Obedience to, and Forgiveness from Jesus (5 September 2010)

29. I met my Ex-Wife

30. Supernatural Events at Highway Tabernacle

31. An Interesting Challenge

32. Demons in the World today

33. The Benefits of Wisdom

34. Marriage Counselling Notes

35. Angels

36. If Jesus Spent Time With You

37. the Road to Afghanistan

38. Coming Full Circle

39. A Big Change

40. Kept Better...Didn't Get Bitter

Acknowledgements

My grandmother in Portage La Prairie (Deceased) -- She was the one who denied me what I valued, to obtain who I am to value.

Pastor P (Deceased) -- He was the one who led me to Jesus.

My mother (Deceased) - She believed and prayed for me.

Pastor J.D. - The one who gave me an opportunity to volunteer at Highway Tabernacle.

Pastor E. - The one who taught me to believe in myself while at Highway Tabernacle.

Pastor B.D. The one who allowed me to resume volunteering at my church.

Tam. - She was a vital link.

Pastor D.B. - he's the one who taught me never to give up.

My family and friends -- they are the ones who have encouraging, praying with me, and putting up with me.

prologue

Three short stories.

1). Don't let another wounded soldier die.

After gaining victory after victory, weakened from battle, Satan crept in to kill my life. I was sorely vexed in spirit, in mind, and body. My evil thoughts and deeds were continually brought before me. I could not break free from this turmoil. While wounded from battle and in total disgrace, or so I thought, I cried out to God and He heard my voice. He said to my spirit, Go to my church that I have for you. There, they will bind up your wounds. They will pour the healing oil on you. They will break bread with you. They will drink of my cup with you. And, as you do and say whatever I command you, and go where I tell you to go, I will heal you and indeed set you free, so that you can pick up the Sword of the Holy Spirit, run hard, fast and strong in my power, to fight once again. For my people have indeed, not let another wounded soldier die."

2). He didn't have to.

He healed me from my past. He delivered me from what I deserved. My fears slowly dissolving. I found out that I merited a pit in hell with my flesh burning off. It's dying and decaying. That the evil demons would torment me until eternity started, then tormented in the lake of fire with no way out. He didn't have to save me. He didn't have to love me, but He did. He saved me from the torment in my mind knowing what I should have done, but didn't. I'm in hell with never ending sorrow, deep shaking sobs and wailing for deliverance; wanting to die, but knowing that my spirit cannot die. I love the Lord Jesus more, because no one told him that He had to love me.

3). Never again in Satan's field.

"Never again in Satan's field will I shoot the guns of pain for my own selfish gain. I've dropped armour and shield. Deceived, for livelihood, my shoes I have lent, dropping the bomb of discouragement.

Returning to war, I see destruction all the more. There are souls in the mire of fleshly desire. The hands that once were held high, now fell, lay burning in the pits of hell. My old friends committed suicide or were murdered. Thinking I've left too soon, shed many a tear. I should have stayed another year. A few soldiers did die. Me, not heeding their cry. Never again will I withhold to save a soul crashed upon treacherous shoal. Retrieving my armour, shoes, and shield again from Satan's field, I will lift up my sword to gain back that which the enemy did hoard. For I will not break faith with those who died. No, never again, in Satan's field."

revenge or mercy?

chapter 1

The year was 1969 when this mound started growing.

It began with a deed done in secret. The truth came out as it is written in Mark 4:22.*

For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.

This firsthand witness got my heart ready for Satan to plant seeds of confusion and fear. All because of what I inadvertently saw and heard, I was to be persecuted by the hands of the guilty. Circumstances seemingly said that God was nowhere near, when in fact God is always here with us.

I was too young to know better. All I knew was that I didn't like it. Getting thrown into the wall for it, I screamed and ran out in terror. Then I met an animal that I thought was a strange looking dog. Realizing that it didn't sound like a dog, I ran to the only refuge there was; an old clunker of a car. Trapped inside, I soon passed out from the heat. I can laugh now because I had run away from a harmless piglet. I was forced to lie about the reason why I was there in the first place, for fear of getting beat up again.

I was locked in a dark dusty basement with dirt floors and bare cement walls; I was made to believe that I was the problem, and that it was my fault. It didn't help when I was unloved and unwanted as well. Crying in the corner with no way out, I felt isolated. I called out to anyone who would listen. The only thing I could think was, If there is someone out there who will help me, I sure need someone now. No man responded, but God did. Even though I didn't know it then, He broke through by giving me a warm sensation all over, especially around my heart. That was God's way of telling me that he was protecting it when I couldn't. He planted a seed there and called me tenacious, which means to stick it out no matter what.

There were other torturous methods used to make me silent. I had no way of coping with this, so I kept it to myself. I learned later that this is called internalizing. If one does it long enough, the pressure will burst like an exploding volcano.

From there, I went to a house in Portage, even though I didn't know it then. I was told that I could trust them and do a belly flop into a huge pile of leaves. I did, and hit a sawhorse buried underneath. I didn't know what hurt worse, the physical or the emotional pain. With all the mental abuse I was suffering, I was wondering if life was really worth living. Because it wasn't explained to me, I decided that it would be better if I didn't say or do anything. It would suffice to do just enough to get by. I was further internalizing my situation, which caused more stress and problems later.

Neither my mind nor my body could take such punishment, so I decided to use what I could - my imagination. By withdrawing more and more, I was creating my own little world. You know what they say - An idle mind is the devil's playground. He had a hay day on that one. I was told this many times, but no one told me what it meant.

1971.

I was showing definite signs of confusion and an acute lack of intelligence. It was made evident during the child abuse case. But I couldn't figure out that I was that child. I gave so many conflicting point that they thought I was making it all up just to get attention. I got attention, all right! I got beat up for it and made to feel that it was still my fault, my problem, and my headache (literally). When I did get walloped, I couldn't figure out what it was for. I was between a rock and a hard place.

Suddenly, my dad moved out. No one told me why. This was another fact I couldn't handle. So my mind went into excessively creative ability mode. Then, to make matters worse, another man moved in. I made him out to be an ugly, huge-winged, long-fanged and clawed creature that ate kids for breakfast. I spoke to someone about this and got further beat up for it. Despite all the bad stuff going on, God was still looking out for me. I was so mixed up that I didn't want to physically see anymore. This was my way of thinking that if I couldn't see, then I'd be blind to the pain within. I ran out into the street with two forks in my hand. I wanted to blind to get rid of the pain. My sister ran out after me. I told her, Everyone hates me. What can you say to stop me? Well, her answer did just that. How a simple few words can change everything. For one thing, I still love you. That did it. I dropped both forks and began to cry. She wanted to know what had happened. Finally, I was allowed to speak out what I knew was right.

The custody battle raged on, or so I was told. I was given a right to say my piece in whatever I wanted to say at the time. I told them every thing everything except for that deed done in secret. Complete custody was granted. My siblings and I were allowed to move in with grandma Major. I thought that at last my life would be worth it.

Shortly after that, I saw two rocks by the fence along the back alley. You see, I had two rocks thrown at me during one of those torturous times. I saw those rocks in the back alley as boulders and was too scared to say anything about them. So, in my finite thinking, I tried my best to keep my brothers away from there. They thought that my words and actions were weird, and that I was a weird kid. After repeatedly being told that, I began to believe it and than acted it out.

No matter who did what, it was hard for me to learn much of anything. So, without me knowing, she went to my grade school teachers to tell them that I was a slow learner. She then told me about it. I was thinking, well that was better than not being able to learn at all! Finally, I can do something right. It just takes a longer time. After a while, I said to myself that if I have to take so long just to catch up to the average intelligence, then I will do only what is necessary just to squeak by. Later, I was thinking that even this was all so confusing for me. The only thing I knew for sure was that my sister loves me and I was hopping around like a bunny. You see, I was born with my left leg three inches shorter that the other. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck three times where my face turned blue as the sky. I couldn't know it then that I had brain damage. I knew I had a physical difference where I had to hop around to cover up my evident limping. I did not like to limp around, so I hopped around like my rabbit and wanted to eat what it ate too.

Later, I saw that my rabbit ate potato skins and carrots. I ate potato skins and carrots. My rabbit won't eat peas. I won't eat peas. My rabbit was in the cage. My brother took me out of that cage. He told me I was a weird kid. I could not look after my rabbit and asked him why. He did not say a word. I left it alone.

Then one day, someone came to visit us. He then left in an awful hurry. Later, he returned for another visit. This time I was told not to say any thing. They did not tell me not to think of any thing. He talked away there. I did not take it seriously until He told me not to think that. I didn't know what to think. He had told me that I wanted to kill someone by having her head chopped off like a chicken's head. He told me, Jesus told me what was in your head, much to my surprise. I replied, This Jesus guy is quite the person. There was a pause. So I asked him, Are you Jesus?

No, I am not. You are naive about such things. Then he explained to me that it was okay to be like this and that it wasn't my fault. Did you also know that your grandmother was reading tea leaves? That is why your one leg is not like the other. I did not like it, and was mad at grandma for making me act like a rabbit. Somehow, I knew it had to be stopped, but left it at that.

Later, while thinking about munching on some carrots from the neighbor's garden, I told her I wanted to and could have got away with it. Later, she came back and gave me some peas and carrots. I ate the carrots, but left the peas alone.

Later, when I was in my bedroom, I pleaded with God to give me whoever he is that he gave to the pastor. Later, during his fifth visit, Pastor P. told me, Now that you know who Jesus is. He wants to heal you. He planted a special a seed of a special gift in your heart. Do you want a personal relationship with the Son of God? He will be like the Father you never had. He will make you feel warm all over, like what you felt one time before. For God had set you apart for His Divine reason, before you were born. (Jeremiah1:5)* I was convinced that I wanted Jesus more than everyone and everything. In that living room, I made the right choice when I told them, Given a choice between you or Jesus, I choose Jesus. I will obey the hand of God whenever and wherever it moves every time. No hesitation, no questions asked. She could not help but to break down and cry. Shortly after that, she stopped reading tealeaves.

I was still jittery and nervous, but was left wondering why it took so long. One day, I over heard her say, Either you heal sonny boy's leg, or I can't believe you. I can not honestly believe who you are any more. By the time I was eight years old, and on my way to the doctor's, I heard grandma say to her friend, All my money's gone. Even that could not fix sonny boy's leg. So I can believe you for a miracle. Only you can fix his leg. Please do or I can't honestly believe who you are any more.

I sat on the doctor's examination table in his office, when he asked me to lie down on that table. I heard them talking and felt a warm feeling where my left leg grew those three inches. As the doctor ran out of his office, he was heard to say, Truly this is the hand of God! When I got off that table, I was a healed boy, but still felt like a bunny on the inside.

1973. Nine years old.

Grandpa's death caused me to start asking about life, death, and for the reasons why things happen the way they do. All my questions were answered with, Little boys should always be seen, and never heard. After that, I was too scared to disobey.

Not knowing any better, I started copying the women around me. After a while, grandma was angry at me for something I couldn't know, and was made me to feel that it was my problem. Why are you the way you are? I don't understand you! Why are you copying us? I was thinking, I don't know, and left it at that.

A little while later, when I was allowed to look after my rabbit, I discovered that my rabbit can baby-sit the guinea pigs. (Guinea pigs?!?) I was chased by a pig. I do not like guinea pigs! I left them alone.

Later, my brother told me, Oh for crying out loud, can't you do anything right? No, I guess you can't do anything right, can you? That didn't help the situation, when I was thinking, What's a dog? I felt condemned for not knowing any differently.

Pastor P. returned later to tell me knew more of what was going on in my life. You can do things right, and do the right things, and know the difference in your heart, not your head. Just don't give up. That was enough to make me choose to follow my heart, not my head.

1976. Grade four. Twelve years old.

I didn't care for anyone except for Jesus in what he can do for me.

I was sent back to a grade two classroom because no one cared to teach me how to write properly. Here I was drawing lines on a chalk board so that I could write in a straight line, when that entire class laughed at me for it. I was hurting inside and put the chalk down. I then ran all the way home crying to tell grandma about it. I was not sent back to that classroom again.

1978. Grade six. Fourteen years old.

I was set up for another biting remark from the vice-principle. I was a crossing guard when I was lied about to him, where he later said in public, You can't do any thing right at all, can you? No, I guess you can't! I was no longer a crossing guard.

Later that same year, I was delivering newspapers. Okay, so what's so hard about going up to a house and putting one in its mail box? The problem is, that the one who asked me to deliver them, didn't tell me which house gets a paper and which ones don't.

I went home feeling satisfied that I finally did some thing right for once. Grandma came out and started hitting me with her cane. Again, I'm getting beat up and I don't know what it's for. While she was hitting me on my healed leg, I knew God could do some thing about this. Her cane then broke, where she blurted out a name. I then put it together, to tell me that I've just been ratted out. For then, I didn't know what hurts worse, the physical or the emotional pain. Somehow, I still felt like a bunny inside. I didn't want to be a bunny on the inside any more, so I did what I thought I could do, to fix it. So in my finite thinking, I was lying on my bed with my shirt open and begged God to take my heart out. After a few minutes, I felt kind of foolish, and told god that I needed my heart to live. But, that he could take a small part of my heart. So that if I were to rebel, I could not rebel completely, and be lost to hell for ever. If God did, and He told me, Now that you have all the information, you are given a choice. It is whether to forgive in advance, or to hold a grudge.

Okay, I will forgive in advance. That's fine with me.

Later, the one who told on me knew he's in for it, was on his knees ready to accept whatever punishment that is to come his way. I had my back turned to him, to where some thought I'd beat him up for what he done. I turned around to bring my fist down upon him. I suddenly opened it up and extended my hand in open friendship, and said, You are already forgiven. Once I knew what was in your hear at the time. And, what would be in your heart when you repented, it was then that I had forgiven you in advance. You were so hurt in the past, that you wanted to test me, to see if I will be a true friend. This is the test, and yes, I will be your friend. But, Jesus is a better friend than I will ever be. I went on to tell them about who Jesus is and what he has done for me, and what he can do for you. I got mixed results. I knew at least two people accepted this testimony of God's love. But, I still had a nagging question. How could God use me, in spite of myself?

a reprieve

chapter 2

1979. Grade seven.

With only two right things done right, I was happy with the results and thought that I could get along quite well with the help of the Holy Spirit. I landed my first job at the local ice cream store, through my mom. I was to be a labourer/busboy, but I didn't care. It was a job that got me away from grandma. I was determined to put my heart into this work and prove myself. She denied me that job without explanation. I lost interest and saw no point in trying to show that I can do anything to try to excel, so I drifted along. In my quest for the meaning of life, I went to a certain individual in a trailer court near the church. He introduced me to a weird game. I was thinking what a contradiction! I wanted to know life's answers and he wanted me to play games. I had no courage to refuse him, so I went along with it. I was asked to form a picture in my mind of someone I really hated. Then imagine what I would do to this person, if I had control over him or her. An ugly picture formed. He continued, Once you have this mental picture fully formed in your mind, imagine that you have control over this creature. This beast will do your every bidding. Just open yourself up, relax and say that you will accept this Jesus guy. Do you want control over people? Do you want to do things right?

Yes, I do so much. I'm tired of being used as a pawn for everybody else. I'm going to use them as pawns.

Then all you have to do is relax, keep that mental picture in your mind. Then pick up this figurine. Open yourself to this creature. Tell him you want him in your life, so that you can exact revenge on those who hurt you.

When I saw that figurine, I was pleased to see that it was exactly what I pictured in my mind. I was thinking that this is the physical form of this Jesus guy, when I felt a burning sensation in my right shoulder. It then went down to fill my entire body. Somehow, I felt like it controlled me. Not me controlling it. I still heard him laughing while I left that trailer park. I was so mixed up, I didn't know what to think of feel.

1981. Grade eight. Almost 17 years old. I still didn't care.

By that time, I was convinced that if anyone knew what I'm about to do, then they would stop me. I was thinking that it might work the other way. If I don't say anything, then they won't know to stop me, but if they don't know, then they won't stop me. Thus, I decided to do things in secret, and then hoping that it will be revealed later by someone else. I said nothing out of the ordinary. I gave no clue as to what I planned, where I wanted to do a science project on the only subject that I thought was practical and helpful called - The Anatomy and Physiology of the Human Body. The teacher was so impressed he gave me the highest mark he could.

Later, I discovered that it didn't impress everyone. Someone broke the lock off my locker, went through all my things, and stole that paper. I felt violated that someone took all my work and took all the credit for it. That attack caused me to think that if I do anything, even though I didn't say anything to anyone about it, it would get wrecked too. Thus, I decided to do just enough to get by.

1982.18 years old. In grade 8...again.

The Industrial Arts teacher showed me that I could work with my hands to