How to Look Flabulous

By Lisa Laney

This book is a comic look at one woman's struggle to get fit, trim down and live life to the fullest with hilarious antics along the way.
Join Lisa, a humble hospitality high school teacher, as she battles the bulge, attempts the Tongariro Crossing, falls down a hill and knocks herself out and gets back up on her feet ready to do it all over again. This journey showcases the highs and lows that go with living life in a media driven world where beauty is the new currency.
An enjoyable read filled with side-splitting humour

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hovding Publishing
• Release date: May 23, 2016
• ISBN: 9780473361525

Lisa Laney

Lisa Maree Laney was born at Palmerston North Hospital in the North Island of New Zealand on the 29th of October in the year of 1979. At 7.29am while the birds were announcing her arrival with their morning chorus Lisa opened her eyes and looked around her new surroundings and has from that moment never looked back. Lisa was a happy and curious baby with a head full of hair. She started her education at Wanunga Pre-school and moved on to Milson Primary, choosing to go on to St Peters Collage for her secondary learning. From there Lisa went on to Teacher’s College in Palmerston North.As a young child Lisa loved to read and has always had a loving association with books and once wanted to be a librarian but during her high school years decided on a teaching career. After her Graduation in 16 May 2003 Lisa was unable to be placed into a teaching position and worked at NZ Post for a number of years while doing some relief teaching around the Manawatu area. After a long term relief teaching stint at Longburn Adventist Collage Lisa was able to secure a fulltime role as their Hospitality Teacher and held that role for 10 years.During her time at LAC Lisa made many lifelong friends with her colleagues’, students and parents of students.It was during this time Lisa started writing her first book, How to Look Boobalicious, inspired partly by her father, Peter Laney, who published his first children’s picture book My Favourite Animal for his oldest granddaughter. Lisa’s first book which she self-published through Hovding Publishing established in 2013, is a hilarious true story of her struggle to battle the bulge. Lisa followed that book up with How The Magpie Got Its Name, and Emma, a children’s picture book.While all this was going on Lisa was diagnosed with Breast cancer and went through major surgery as first choice of treatment. With follow up chemo and radiation it was hoped she would go into remission. But on New Year’s Eve day Lisa was informed her cancer had spread to the t8 t9 vertebrae and was terminal. After the initial shock Lisa vowed to fight the cancer and with her faith in god felt confident of winning but after a two year battle with her faith as strong as ever she felt she could still win. But Lisa passed away on the 23rd July 2014 surrounded by her mother Lesley her father Peter and her only sibling Craig.

Book preview

How To Look Flabulous

Written by Lisa Laney

Illustrated by Beth Ellen

Published by Hovding Publishing

How To Look Flabulous

Author: Lisa Laney © 2013

Illustrations: Beth Ellen © 2013

All Rights Reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright holder.

ISBN: 978-0-473-23989-3

P ublished by

Hovding Publishing

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licenced for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication:

This book is dedicated to my Father Peter Laney for his inspiration in regards to writing after completing his first children’s book and to my Mother, Lesley Laney whose words of encouragement kept me motivated to complete my first book.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

I wish to take the time out to acknowledge Gavin Cornford and Lance Stimpson who helped me achieve one of my finest moments in this book; the Tongario Crossing. Also thank you to Beth Ellen, for illustrating the book. And last but not least to my editor Caroline Martin, who has helped me to polish the contents written here and given me much needed advice and support along the way.

Preface

It’s Monday night, 9.15pm, and I am struggling to get to sleep (even though I am tired) because I have just been hit with the inspiration stick. I have just finished reading Short Fat Chick in Paris, by Kerre Woodham. It’s an absolutely hilarious book and I relate to it in so many ways.

I thought at first I might actually be inspired to complete a marathon of my own – after all, E-cupped women should stick together and support one another (no pun intended).Then again, I’ve no real inclination to get hot, sweaty, red-faced and breathless in front of a bunch of strangers who probably know what they are doing and are fit, trim and athletic. No, this is not my area of passion. Rather, I would like to reignite an old dream that time (or lack of it) had slowly buried beneath the other shattered dreams of my youth. I want to write a book. I love reading them and have also enjoyed spending many hours whittling away at pieces of poetry, short stories and journals I have kept over the years. In the past, I have also attempted to write a novel (the title, double chocolate muffin, springs to mind – and no, it is not a story about food). I may one day complete that book but for now I have a new challenge in mind.

As I write this, my father has just published his first children’s book, which he wrote in honour of his granddaughter (my niece). He has further plans to continue writing and publishing other children’s books. He is my personal inspiration while Kerre is my professional inspiration. She has shown me that lack of time is no excuse. So now I have decided to start anew and write a personal account of my battle with the bulge. Will this ever get published, and will anyone ever read it? That I cannot answer, all I know is that I have to write it. I figure if women can relate to Kerre’s story then maybe there are women out there who can relate to mine, too. I too am a short fat chick and I am going to tell my story. So here we go.

Chapter 1

OK, so where do I start? ‘Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When we read we begin with ABC, when we sing we begin with Doe Ray Me.’ Sorry, I got a little distracted.

If I am going to be totally honest with you I need to put down my hard-to-admit-to statistics. Let’s start with the easy ones. I am a 31-year-old single female who teaches high school students how to cook. I am only 5’ 1’ tall (154.9cm), which really cannot be classed as tall – more like vertically challenged. I have blonde hair and blue eyes, but my lips are dreadfully thin and almost non-existent when I smile. And then there is my weight. Are you ready for this? I am currently sitting on 80.5kgs. Ouch!

At my heaviest I was 82.4kgs. When I started Zumba I was surprised my heaving backside made it off the sofa and wiggled itself into some unsightly black leggings in an attempt to gyrate around the room. However, 14 weeks later I am still moving and grooving to the Latin American sounds.

At the start of my get-fit-or-die-trying regime I took several hideous photos of myself (man, I looked like a hippopotamus) as a way to help visually document the process. Then I took down my weight and measurements. The usual ones we women measure waist, hip and bust. They all screamed with one accord: ‘I’m fat, I’m fat, you know it, oh yeah’ (think Michael Jackson – tune to I’m Bad). After these depressing figures were recorded, I proceeded to start my exercise workout. Day in and day out I stuffed these flabby and bulging bits into my workout outfit and swayed to the rhythm.

I would glare at the perfectly slim figures telling me ‘you can do it’ and thought over and over to myself: Hump, easy for you to say, where are your dangly bits, aye? I don’t see your cellulite wobbling like a bowlful of jelly across your legs and stomach and rear end. By the end of each workout I would flop to the floor exhausted, red-faced, sweating like a pig (ironic huh – I eat like one too) and unable to formulate words. My pathetic whimpers could be heard as I attempted to gather myself into a semblance of order and slither into a sitting position on the couch. After a few more moments I would drag my huge lump into the shower to cool down.

I decided I had to try and combat at least one jiggling problem first. How on earth was I to secure my ever growing, over-sized E-cup hooters? This was going to require some outside help. So with little or no dignity left, I went into a store to be fitted professionally. The woman was lovely and not at all condemning (which was refreshing). She quickly got me to try several different styles and sizes. After a near heart attack when she handed me a size F to try, I nearly cried with relief when instead she came back and said, ‘Oh no, you are definitely not an F cup. Let’s go back to the E, shall we?’ Yes indeed, go back, go back! With

Reviews for How to Look Flabulous

[firehorse studio · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

Super depressing, the author beats herself up, over and over and over again. Not pleasant. This isn’t a good way to inspire people to feel fabulous, because with constant self-abuse, they won’t. Ever.