One Size Does Not Fit All: Discover your personal path to a happier life

By Lisa Jansen

Lisa Jansen offers a new and fresh perspective on a very popular topic: finding happiness. Instead of providing generic, one-size-fits-all advice and tactics, Lisa guides readers through an empowering journey and process that helps them design their own strategy for a happier life-based on their unique personality, values, and strengths and weaknesses.

Drawing on extensive research and the author’s personal experience of turning her life around, this book offers a real-life, jargon-free perspective on finding happiness. Written in an easy to understand, engaging way and incorporating numerous practical and fun exercises, it will be extremely attractive to anyone who is looking for new insights in finding happiness and who wants practical advice on how to live their best possible life.

You may find out more information about the author on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RJKZrqb9A0

• Language: English
• Publisher: Banovallum
• Release date: Dec 27, 2019
• ISBN: 9781911658696

Lisa Jansen

Lisa Jansen lives in New Zealand. Born in Germany, she moved to New Zealand during her University years. She graduated with a Master of Commerce with First Class Honours from the University of Auckland in 2009. Since then, Lisa has been working as a marketing professional and a writer. She is a regular contributor for a New Zealand magazine and also writes for blogs and publications, including her own popular blog Life Done Differently. Lisa loves to explore the outdoors and enjoys all water sports, especially surfing and kitesurfing.

Book preview

A practical and engaging approach to

creating a happier life, based on your

individual personality, values and strengths

Author: Lisa Jansen

Discover YOUR personal

path to a happier life

awaiting words for a Copyright page

To New Zealand – My Happy Place

Thank you for letting me make you my home.

&

To My Saltwater Family

You are what took my life from good to great.

Acknowledgments

It feels surreal to be sitting here writing acknowledgments for a book I wrote that is about to be published. It is a total dream-come-true moment. I feel incredibly proud of what I have achieved, but more than anything, I feel grateful that I have been given this oppor tunity.

While you can certainly write a book entirely on your own, I think most writers will agree that writing a book is teamwork. You need people who inspire and encourage you to get started, you need people who support you throughout the journey and who push you to keep going when it gets tough, and you need people to help you polish and publish the book. I feel fortunate to have had many amazing people alongside me at every step, and I want to take this opportunity to thank them.

My deepest thanks go to Steven O’Hara, Daniel Sharp and the rest of the team at Mortons Media Group for giving me a shot and believing in this book. It is hard to find publishers that are willing to give first-time authors a chance. It’s even harder to find any that are as supportive, transparent and collaborative as the Mortons team has been.

Publishing your first book can be overwhelming. There is a lot of uncertainty and many new situations. I feel very lucky to have a publisher who always answered all my questions, always listened to my opinion and helped me publish a book that I am genuinely proud of and believe in.

Thank you to my editor Pauline Hawkins who helped fine-tune and polish the book. Thank you to Rosie Ward for designing such an awesome cover and thank you to page designer Kelvin Clements for turning my words into a beautiful looking book.

A very special thank you to my beta readers who have provided so much valuable feedback, support and encouragement. Thank you, Alana, for being the first one who read the book from start to finish. Your positive feedback kept me going when I doubted myself and this book. Thank you to Terri for sharing such fantastic suggestions even though we barely knew each other. Thank you to Eve for all the feedback and encouragement and for being the best friend anyone could ask for. Thank you to everyone else who read parts of the book and shared their thoughts and suggestions with me. One Size Does Not Fit All would not be what it is without your input.

This book would not exist if I hadn’t turned my life around the way I did. I wouldn’t have been able to do that, if it hadn’t been for the people who guided, supported and inspired me along the way. The last 13 years since I moved to New Zealand have been such an incredible experience. Sometimes I still can’t believe how far I have come. None of that would have been possible without a number of important people.

Thank you to Dr Deb Shepherd from the University of Auckland for introducing me to the concept of personal development and for being an amazing mentor during a very crucial time in my life. Thank you to my Sparkies, especially Sonali, for being my first New Zealand family and for showing me what it feels like to belong somewhere. Thank you to the Banff crew for giving me a home when I needed one and for bringing so much fun into my life. Thank you to Celine for being such a special colleague turned housemate turned life-long friend. Thank you to my parents and siblings for all your support over the years.

Very special thanks to my saltwater family; Eve & Preston, Andy, Alana & Hugo, Skye & Dave, Jo & Robbie, Adam, Nina & Anton, Sam, Luciana & Graeme, Damiana & Aaron, and all the little ones. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. You are what took my life from good to great, and there is no way this book would exist if it hadn’t been for your friendship and support.

Last but by no means least, thank you to you, the readers. I love writing to help and inspire people, and the idea that even just one person will get a lot of value out of this book is what motivated me to write it and what kept me going through the difficult phases. Thank you for reading my book. I hope you like it.

Contents

Introduction1

How to Get the Most Out of This Book8

My Journey13

PART I: Understanding Happiness23

Happiness and Positive Emotions27

Happiness and Success32

Happiness and Negative Emotions36

Why Do We Strive for Happiness?44

What Determines How Happy We Are?48

The Happiness Formula49

Is Happiness Genetic?50

Is Happiness Determined by our Life Circumstances?52

Is Happiness Determined by our Voluntary Actions?53

Your Definition of Happiness57

PART II: Getting To Know Yourself59

Your Personality65

Personality and Happiness67

Can Personality Change?74

Personality Types78

The Big Five82

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator90

Your Personal Values107

Values vs. Social Ideals and Expectations109

Why is Knowing Our Values So Important?110

Identifying Your Core Values117

Living Your Values124

Your Strengths and Weaknesses127

Turn Negatives into Positives135

Your Personal Profile140

PART III: The Scientific View of Finding Happiness145

Life Circumstances153

Money and Materialistic Goods153

Work160

Relationships167

Major Tragic Events171

Education173

Health177

Summary and Exercise180

Voluntary Activities184

Gratitude185

Goals190

Mindfulness193

Altruism and Kindness201

Exercise205

Positive Thinking209

Other Voluntary Activities That Might Make Us Happier214

Summary and Exercise215

Life Circumstances vs. Voluntary Activities220

PART IV: The Four Pillars of Happiness225

Self-Love and Respect228

Purpose and Meaning232

Taking Responsibility236

Open-Mindedness241

PART V: Design YOUR Happiness Blueprint249

The Five Blueprint Rules253

Let’s Look at Some Examples259

1. The Building Blocks of Your Life266

2. What Will Make You Happy?269

3. What Brings You Joy and Pleasure?271

4. What Gets in the Way of Your Happiness?273

5. Identifying Goals275

6. Committing to Actions279

7. Bringing it All Together281

PART VI: Living your Blueprint287

Putting Your Blueprint into Action290

Get in the Right Mindset291

More Tips for Putting Your Blueprint into Action299

Review, Revise, Improve305

How to Review Your Blueprint308

Epilogue313

Notes319

Introduction

All who have accomplished great things have had a great aim, have fixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimes seemed impossible.

Orison Swett Marden

Is your life as amazing and fulfilling as it could be? Chances are, you don’t think it is, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have picked up this book. Maybe you feel mostly unhappy and like you’re not living up to your potential. Maybe you feel like your life is going pretty well and that you have a lot to be proud of and grateful for, but that there is still room for improvement. No matter where you’re at right now, you probably picked up this book because you feel like your life could be better and h appier.

You’re not alone. Even though most of us have more than ever before, our lives are more comfortable than ever and the fundamental needs of most people are met, true and lasting happiness still seems to be hard to find for many.

I used to be one of those people. Today, I’m extremely happy. My life is fun and meaningful, I have amazing friends, I feel comfortable with who I am and I’m fit and healthy. My life is better than I could have ever imagined. However, that wasn’t always the case. Up until about 12 years ago, I was unhappy. My life felt boring, meaningless and like it was going nowhere, and I felt lonely and disconnected. I was severely overweight, unfit and unhealthy, depressed at times and without hope. I had no purpose and no goals and no idea how to change my life for the better. I wanted nothing more than to feel happy and content, to feel like my life was meaningful, enjoyable and worth living. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and feel a sense of pride and confidence. I wanted to feel like I was living life to the fullest and that I was the best version of myself. Today I do, but it was a long journey.

The more I read and learned about happiness and the more I talked to people about it, the more I realised that many others feel similar to the way I did for so many years. Some are outright unhappy with their lives and themselves, while others are somewhat happy but feel like they could be happier, and others are already pretty happy but worry about maintaining that feeling in the long run or just want more happiness. Regardless of their specific personal reasons, there are millions of people out there who are searching for a happier life. But like me, many don’t know how to turn things around and change their life for the better. It comes as no surprise then, that Amazon lists more than 100,000 results when you search for happiness in books. Even when you narrow it down to books in the self-help category, you are still presented with more than 20,000 results — and that is just books and doesn’t even include the countless articles, courses, podcasts, documentaries and all sorts of other content. There surely is no shortage of insights and wisdom on the topic. So why, you may ask, did I see the need for yet another book about happiness? Great question!

The answer is: because I believe that most of the existing literature and advice around happiness misses a key point. I’m not going to claim that I’ve come even close to reading all 20,000 self-help books about happiness, but I have read quite a few. Many of them have delivered incredibly valuable insights, lessons and ideas that have helped me on my journey to a happier life. However, the more I read, the more frustrated I became with one specific issue: most of the current advice takes a one-size-fits-all approach to happiness. Authors present Five Steps to a Happy Life, the Six Principles of Happiness or The Secret to a Happier Life. While their insights and advice undoubtedly have been helpful throughout my journey, they often overlook the fact that we are all unique individuals. Most authors base their insights either on research that reports what works for the average person or the majority, or on spiritual concepts that, while often valuable, simply don’t resonate with everyone.

Authors of books on happiness often only put very little, if any, emphasis on the fact that their advice might not be applicable to all readers. Only a very few encourage readers to consider the advice given in the context of who they are. In short, they don’t seem to pay much attention to the fact that a life that is fulfilling and happy for one person might not be so for someone else and the way to finding happiness is different for different people, simply because they have unique personalities, values, strengths and weaknesses.

A lot of the existing literature on happiness can be beneficial if the reader can analyse and interpret the information in the context of their own personality, values and beliefs. However, that is often challenging to do, even for the most self-aware people, and basically impossible for anyone who does not have a clear picture of who they are, what motivates and drives them and what ultimately will lead them to a happier life. Therefore, any suggestions, methods, techniques and advice around happiness should take individualism and uniqueness into account — which is what this book aims to do.

People have often asked me what it was that helped me turn my life around and find happiness. I will share my journey in more detail in the next chapter, but for now I want to focus on the one key factor that had a huge impact on me: gaining knowledge. I started to learn, to soak up knowledge about happiness, the meaning of life and various other topics. I learned about personality, values and what it is that makes us all unique. I learned how to bring change into my life and how to make it last. This knowledge wasn’t the only factor that contributed to me finding happiness. It also took a lot of determination and discipline, and luck was probably a bit of a factor as well. But it was this knowledge that gave me the power, inspiration and skills to make the changes I needed to make. However, the really great stuff didn’t come from having knowledge of these individual areas, but from being able to put all of it together. The real breakthrough came once I had learned enough about myself to be able to view other insights about happiness and living a meaningful life in the context of who I am instead of blindly following one-size-fits-all advice.

I truly found happiness once I understood that most of the insight and advice you see in books and articles is based on averages, majorities or individual experiences and that hardly any of it always applies to everyone. We read about research findings that say this or that makes people happy or we hear stories from other people about what made them happy and we assume that it applies to all of us. However, the truth is, it simply doesn’t. There is no one right way to find happiness that will work for all of us. To truly find lasting happiness we need to create our own path, our own blueprint, designed for our individual personality, values and strengths and weaknesses. The goal of this book is to help you do precisely that.

I’m not a mental health professional. I don’t have a Masters or PhD in psychology, sociology or any other related field. I haven’t spent hundreds of hours treating patients. I’m just an ordinary person like you — almost. So what qualifies me to write a book about happiness? Most importantly, that I have achieved it, despite the fact that it didn’t come easy. Research suggests that it is rare and difficult for people to change their happiness level in a significant and lasting way. However, challenging and unusual as it might be, it can be done. I’m proof of that. For most of my life, up until about eight years ago, I would have rated my level of happiness a 4 or maybe a 5 out of 10 (with 10 being the highest). For the last 3-4 years, I would have rated myself a solid 8 and today I would even say a 9. And the main reason I don’t say 10 is that I like the idea that it can be even better in the future.

This book is my attempt to share my experience and insights with others, in a way that is not only easy to understand but, more importantly, practical and actionable. While it is inspired by, and draws heavily on, my own experience, all the insights in this book are backed up by extensive reading and review of existing research. I have spent countless hours reading scientific papers and research findings (and those things are not exactly light reading, trust me). I read numerous books and interviews with, or articles by, leading experts in the field and I’ve spent many hours reviewing and analysing what I learned. However, despite the research I’ve done, I don’t claim to be a professional or a trained expert, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. Luckily, the purpose of this book is not to provide all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions, making you think and analyse facts for yourself, giving ideas and tips and guiding you through the process of developing your own blueprint for a happier life. And it doesn’t matter if you are currently rating your happiness an 8 or a 4 on the 10-point happiness scale. As long as you are sincerely motivated to improve your life, this book will be of value to you, no matter what your starting point is.

This book is divided into six sections. The first part provides insights into what happiness is in an easy to understand way. We will look at how happiness is different from positive emotions and success, learn about the role of negative emotions and take a look at what top-level factors contribute to our happiness. The second part is all about you. Through a combination of straightforward insights and discussions and engaging exercises, you will learn more about yourself, your personality, your values and your strengths and weaknesses. After that, we will turn our focus back to happiness and review existing research about what may or may not make us happy. You will be encouraged to analyse this information in the context of what you have learned about yourself, and exercises will help you identify the aspects that matter most to you. After that, part four discusses what are considered the Four Pillars of Happiness before part five brings it all together and guides you through a fun and engaging process to develop your own highly individual blueprint for a happier life. The sixth and final part will provide tips on how to put this plan into action and how to continually review and refine your plan to make sure your happiness lasts.

How to Get the Most Out of This Book

The goal of this book is to help you develop your unique and personal blueprint for a happier life and to help you put it into action. That means this book will require your active participation and input. You will be challenged to learn about yourself so you can analyse information in the context of who you are and what is relevant to you. You are the one that will develop your personal blueprint, and it will be up to you if and how you put it into action. But the interactive style of this book will make the process engaging and fun, and, if you do it right, the end result will be more than worth the effort.

Happiness won’t come overnight. It will be a journey and you need to be willing to put effort into it and continuously work on it. In many ways, finding happiness is like building your dream home. Before you can even start building, you need to work to save the capital, and you need to develop your plans. As you begin building, things are likely to evolve, either because you change your mind or because something unforeseen happens. Once construction is done, you move in, but it isn’t really your dream home until you’ve made it your own by arranging your furniture, decorating and by starting to make memories in the new house. But then you did it; you are living in your dream home. Happy days! However, chances are within a few years you’ll start noticing little things you don’t like any more, things break down or wear out and need to be fixed or you realise you need more space.

So you start redecorating and renovating, maybe even adding a whole new part to the house. Over the years, your home will have to change for you to continue to consider it your dream home. Just like building your dream home, finding happiness requires capital, and knowledge is the capital for finding happiness. This knowledge will help you design your plan for a happier life, but once you have a plan, you need to be prepared to make alterations as you implement it. Once you’ve executed your plan, you might be happy, but over time, the same things that used to bring you happiness don’t work any more, and you need to review and update your approach to happiness. Just like living in your dream home is a journey, so is finding happiness. There will be times where you just have it and can enjoy it but, most likely, you will need to make changes and adjustments to keep feeling happy.

Keep in mind that some houses are built in a matter of months while others take years to complete. Happiness works much the same way. Depending on your starting point, your goals and a few other factors you will learn about in the following chapters, some people will achieve happiness more quickly than others. However, regardless of your starting point, if you read the book with the expectation of being super happy by the end of it, you will probably be disappointed. While it has been my experience that simply starting the journey and learning about happiness and yourself will likely have an immediate impact on how happy you feel, this book is only the starting point. It’s what you do with what you learn that ultimately makes the difference.

Having said that, there are a few things you can do while reading this book that will improve your chances of quick progress — and of having fun while reading. First and foremost, do the exercises. The exercises are all about helping you figure out what is important to you and how you can apply what you’re learning. In other words, the exercises are where we go from general knowledge to highly tailored and actionable insights for you specifically. You can’t read up on that anywhere. No one else can tell you what matters most to you. That is the part you’ll have to figure out for yourself and the exercises will help you do that. You can download the workbook to help you complete the exercises.

Taking notes is also a good idea, or earmarking and highlighting parts of the book that you feel are especially important and valuable to you. Because of the interactive nature of this book, it might also be fun to team up with a buddy or even a whole book club and work through it together. That way you can discuss the concepts with another person, and maybe get a better understanding of how someone with a different personality might interpret things. This will help you develop a better idea of your own uniqueness and how it impacts your happiness. However, be aware that parts of this book discuss very personal topics like your core values and your strengths and weaknesses. While open conversations about these concepts can be valuable and inspiring, it’s important to respect that not everyone will feel comfortable sharing their thoughts openly. If you do work through this book with a group, I would recommend creating a welcoming environment where everyone feels invited to share and speak up, but no one feels pressured to do so.

Last, but by no means least, don’t forget to have fun, be curious and enjoy the journey that this book presents.

Before we move on to learning more about what happiness actually is, let me share my personal journey with you.

My Journey

Be fearless. But don’t be stupid.

Lisa Jansen

It’s now or never.

That is what I wrote in my journal on the day I left Germany bound for New Zealand in early 2007. What might sound like an inspirational statement was actually pure desperation, mixed with a little bit of hope. The journal entry continues with comments like if I don’t make it now, I never will and I don’t want to live like this any more, this year is my last chance to find happiness. It still brings tears to my eyes reading this. However, uncomfortable as it is for me to remember those thoughts, it also reminds me of how far I’ve come. That day, I set out to use the next year to turn my life around. It took more than a year, but I got there. Today, the younger me who wrote those words is only a distant memory.

I didn’t have an apparent reason to be unhappy. I grew up in an idyllic small town in Germany, I had parents and siblings who loved me, I was well cared for and my family never had to worry about putting food on the table. I was generally healthy, I was smart and even though I wasn’t exactly Miss Popular, I did have friends and I was never openly bullied. On paper, my life was pretty good. The one visible sign that my life maybe wasn’t perfect was the fact that I was severely overweight. I don’t really remember when I started to gain weight, but I remember being the big girl even in primary school. For most of my teens, I was morbidly obese. I managed to lose weight a couple of times, but every time it piled back on quicker than it had come off. At the time I wrote those journal entries, more than 12 years ago, I would have weighed somewhere around 130kg (290lb).

For most of my life I used to think that, if only I could lose weight, if only I could be skinny, I would be happy. In my head, my weight was the only thing that stopped me from being happy and living the life I wanted. It wasn’t until many years later that I started to realise that being overweight wasn’t the reason I was unhappy, but that it was the other way around. Being unhappy was the reason I was overweight.

Looking back now, I understand that I never felt like I fitted in — and that had little to do with my weight. Things about myself that I’m very proud of today made me feel different and weird at the time, mainly because I didn’t understand them. Today I know that I was unhappy because I