The Chaser Quarterly 2

By The Chaser

In this urgent second issue of "Australia's Most Self-important Quarterly", we travel the world on The Chaser's expense account to find the best places to visit before they're destroyed by the relentless pursuit of economic growth at all costs. Includes special tips on how to get great Instagram photos of places that are about to be despoiled, and how to get the locals to look hauntingly miserable for your holiday snaps to show to your friends.

Plus, we feature Sean Penn's second-ever foray into journalism (and hopefully his last) as he exclusively visits reclusive Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, on the pretext of making a movie about him. And if that isn't enough, this issue features a special pull-out* section of The Chaser's Dictionary of Biography, featuring in-depth write-ups of Australia's former Prime Ministers.

Also in this issue:
- In-depth, one-sentence reports on all the major world events
- ChaserLeaks of Peter Dutton's emails
- A look back at how in hell Canberra was founded
- A special photo essay from a Donald Trump rally
- A gratuitous and legally unwise swipe at Chevron's approach to tax
- We learn the hard way that clickbait doesn't work in eBooks, and
- Willie Nelson spills the beans on how he broke Twitter by smoking all of the hashtags.

The Chaser Quarterly 2: It's Everything You Want it to Be, and Nothing You Don't

*Note: it is pull-out in this eBook edition only if you're prepared to tear the screen from its plastic casing

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Chaser
• Release date: Mar 22, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310521317

The Chaser

The Chaser is a multilevel satire company that recruits members via a promise of cheap laughs in return for enrolling others into the scheme, rather than supplying actual sustained comedic entertainment. As recruiting multiplies, keeping up the cheap laughter becomes quickly impossible, and most members are unable to find any humour whatsoever in its content; as such, The Chaser is unsustainable and has often been described as illegally unfunny. Schemes like The Chaser have existed for at least a century in different guises. Some multilevel satire schemes have been classified as neurotoxic.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Contents

A note from The Chaser's Chief Financial Officer

Welcome to Australia

The Chaser's Quarter in Review

You'll feel better when you own Swisse!

My Day with celebrity chef & Paleo diet guru Pete Evans

Forgotten Moments of Australian History -The Founding of Canberra

Contracts That Should Exist: Public Transport

Donald Trump - Special in-depth report

Your easy-to-fill-in last will and testament in case of terrorist attack

Top 5 places to see before they're destroyed

Seven Ways to have a Truly Authentic Travel Experience

Bashar al-Assad. His Story. By Sean Penn

Chaser Profile: Musk's Ark

Chaser Leaks: The Dutton Files

The Chaser's Dictionary of Biography - Former Prime Ministers

Upcoming Films of 2016

Goings On

Letters to the Editor

The Boring Details

This could happen to you

Backpage games

Relax with P&O

Tax should be an optional expense

Contributors

Livid_Contents

Contents

 The Chaser Quarterly • Autumn 2016 • Issue 02

Page 1

The Cover

Our cover, as always, features our patented Scratch’n’Sniff barcode. This month’s scent: Profound Regret No. 5.

Page 3

Contents Page

A fiendishly clever meta-joke about the use of self-referential devices in satirical publications.

Page 7

Gender Studies

Lena Dunham writes about hetero-normative gender stereotyping and what life was really like growing up as a table lamp.

Page 27

Lock Out Rage

We speak to owner of Kings Cross hotspot The Meat Factory, about how the draconian new lock-out laws are destroying his trade in cocaine and heroin.

Page 34

Terrible Typo

Clerical error blamed for a spate of high-speed broadbeans delivered to Australian homes.

Page 47

Unimaginable horror!

We learn the hard way that clickbait doesn’t work in print. Turn the page 47 times to find out why.

Page 52

Team Spirits

The lads from the NRL speak out about how the punitive lock-out laws in the Cross have thwarted their plans for a big night punching-on and having intercourse with dogs.

Page 62

Above Reproach

Google has paid its fair share of taxes and is not censoring the internet in any way at all, a quick Google search reveals.

Page 34

Social Media Crisis

Willie Nelson spills the beans on how he broke Twitter by smoking all of the hashtags.

Page 66

Fad diet

If you eat yourself, do you disappear completely or double in mass? We find out from celebrity chef Pete Evans.

Page 88

Waleed Aly

Australia’s second favourite brown person (at the time we went to press) talks candidly about losing his title to Stan Grant.

Page 92

Letters

All of them. From A to Z. And some numbers as well, but they’re just for show… and you’ll love the punctuation.

Page 1295

Pushing Boundaries

Join us as we test the very fabric of space and time – and expectations – by spruiking a page in this magazine that cannot physically exist.

TheChaserQuarterlybannerGentleman

A note from The Chaser's

Chief Financial Officer

(pro tem)

Welcome to the second issue of The Chaser Quarterly. Your correspondent was asked to contribute these words at short notice due to the continued absence of the Chief Financial Officer, who has not returned to his desk since our office reopened after Christmas¹.

It is with great pleasure that I can report the resounding success of the first issue of The Chaser Quarterly. The print run of 11 million completely sold out within days and mint condition copies are now changing hands at a healthy premium among collectors of Chaser memorabilia (aka ‘weirdos’).

This flickering spark of good news must be read in the broader context of the performance of Chaser Holdings. The following information was retrieved from an overly full bag marked ‘to be shredded’ under the desk of the CFO’s office.

Chaser Resources bought 20,000 barrels of Brent Crude on the forward market at $80 per barrel. We have been disappointed to discover that the oil didn’t come in actual barrels, which are now probably worth more. For some reason, stoking instability in the Middle East has failed to drive up the price this time.

Chaser Media’s hostile takeover of Der Verfolger Zeitung GmbH created the largest satirical news service in Europe, in line with our strategy of global domination. As much of our interest in the German acquisition was due to its significant holdings of Volkswagen stock (‘a no-brainer’ according to our then-CFO), our investors should expect a significant asset write-down at year end. On the upside, we now own a number of surprisingly profitable German rubber-and-cellar fetish pornography titles.

Chaser Homes’ portfolio of new-build residential property in Nevada is yet to return to its 2007 purchase valuation. Any recent relief against the paper losses incurred have been overtaken by a seemingly insurmountable ‘racoon problem’.

Chaser Leasing’s attempts to recoup an investment in planes leased to Malaysia Airlines have been hampered, mainly by bad weather and grumpy Ukrainians. Anyone want to buy a used black box flight recorder?

It is currently impossible for Chaser Equities to report on the value of our Chinese equity holdings as listed on the Shenzen Exchange at the time of publication. Or at any other time.

But it isn’t all bad news. 

We can report healthy year-on-year growth of our Dublin-based brass plate-making business (‘O’Chaser’s: We do the engraving, your M&A makes the saving’).

Chaser Bouffant is optimistic that our multi-year investment in Trump Holdings will pay some serious dividends in about a year’s time.

Chaser Retail is confident that our bid for the Duty Free concessions at the new Spratly Islands International Airport will be accepted by the People’s Liberation Army plc. To be on the safe side, we have not withdrawn parallel bids with the Malaysian, Vietnamese, Filipino or Taiwanese governments.

Finally, our four shipping containers worth of T-Shirts with ‘Death to Jimmy Carter’ written in Persian may have some serious retro-kitsch value now that we can get them out of Tehran.

Prospective investors should consult a professional financial advisor before deciding to invest in Chaser Holdings. This report does not constitute a formal prospectus and should be read in conjunction with our most recent audited financial reports as independently prepared by Chaser Auditing.

CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER (pro tem)

AUTUMN 2016

¹. Note to Chaser Human Resources. He is still in possession of a MacBook Air, an iPhone ⁶+ and several reams of high quality printer paper, however, the framed photographs on the desk appear to be sourced from istockphoto.com

Back to contents

immigration-logo

G’day and welcome to Australia!

Congratulations, you are one of the 12,000 Syrian refugees our former Prime Minister accepted after a few Australians started protesting in cities by lighting small candles.

I know this doesn’t sound like something that would change anyone’s mind, but as you’ll learn, Australians are a bit of a complacent bunch, and so when anyone bothers to do anything about anything it’s a pretty big deal.

You may still be confused about why we accepted you. The guy who agreed to accept you based his entire political identity on the notion of keeping people like you out of this country.

The truth is that the drowned toddler picture went viral and we temporarily felt bad for asylum seekers. He had cute little sneakers on. Just like ones you’d get at K-Mart.

We do sincerely hope that you make yourself at home