The Absolute Bull of New Zealand: How to Get Away with Pure 96.5% Murdher

By Denis Joseph

This book is a satire of the judicial system of New Zealand (or for that matter, in most countries of the world). The word is out that the system is “soft” on certain elements of society, as seen not only by disillusioned victims of criminality but also by the horrified majority at large. There are, of course, exceptions when the punishment fits the crime, but they are few and far between.

In a sense, this book is rather unusual. It has no romance, no well-defined characters, no geographical setting, and only a smattering of narrative. It has a beginning and an end and a large middle. It doesn’t have a plot. In short, it breaks every rule in the . . . er, book.

It’s probably one of few books in the world that can be described as “conversational” for at least 80 percent of the pages. And if that’s not bizarre enough, the conversation involves a bull, a meerkat, and a shark. Go figure.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris NZ
• Release date: Nov 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543495270

Denis Joseph

The author has been a writer in advertising for nearly 25 years, selling some very world-famous products, brands and services. It has been a serious business that has earned him quite a number of creative awards. Beneath that exterior however lurked a gremlin who saw the normal world as an orb of boredom, characterised by stupidity and political correctness. A world ripe for satire in a humorous vein. And thereby hangs a tale, as the good Bard said.

Book preview

Copyright © 2018 by Denis Joseph.

Library of Congress Control Number:    2018913615

ISBN:                Hardcover                     978-1-5434-9529-4

                         Softcover                        978-1-5434-9528-7

                          eBook                            978-1-5434-9527-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/26/2018

Xlibris

0-800-443-678

www.Xlibris.co.nz

783810

CONTENTS

Advanced reviews: Damned with faint praise

Dramatis Personæ

An Introduction to the Chapters

The Introduction to the Chapters … Continued

Chapter 1. The First Rule of Defence: Deny! Deny! Deny!

Chapter 2. The Second Rule of Defence: Blame It on Somebody Else

Chapter 3. The Third Rule of Defence: ‘Yrr Onorr, I Was Too Sloshed to Remember’

Chapter 4. The Fourth Rule of Defence: ‘Yrr Onorr, I Was Too Sober to Remember’

Chapter 5. The Fifth Rule of Defence: ‘Yrr Onorr! I Was Forced to Confess’

Chapter 6. The Sixth Rule of Defence: The Plea of Self-Defence in the Face of Violent Provocation

Chapter 7. The Seventh Rule of Defence: Name-and-Fame Suppression with a Bail Out

Chapter 8. The Eighth Rule of Defence: I Don’t Remember when I Have Amnesia

Chapter 9. The Ninth Rule of Defence: Manslaughter Is Not a Crime in the Annals of the New Zealand Justice System

Chapter 10. The Tenth Rule of Defence: Repositioning the Crim as an Honest Upright Individual

Chapter 11. The Eleventh Rule of Defence: Character References from the Defence Endorsed by Judicial Pronouncements

Chapter 12. The Twelfth Rule of Defence: Claiming Insanity is the Psycho-Path to Freedom

Chapter 13. The Thirteenth Rule of Defence: A Case by Case study to Prepare the Case to Defend Justin Case

Chapter 14 (Hopefully, the Final Chapter): Der Pro-Cess-Pool of Trial and Error

Chapter 15: The Trial of Justin Case

Acknowledgements

Dedication

To my wife and daughters: Irene, Dione and Melodie. They have endured the ruminations of Absolute the Bull with wry smiles, with repeated exhortations to get on with writing the book or clam up.

The book is also dedicated to the scores of families in New Zealand for their fortitude in the face of inequity meted out by the Justice system.

This book is also dedicated to the tireless efforts of the Sensible Sentencing Trust (SST) of New Zealand, who advocate on behalf of the victims of serious crime, sexual crime and homicide.

Advanced reviews: Damned with faint praise

The author of this book deserves to be sued.

—Association of African Dictators

The author of this book deserves to be sewed.

—Knit Craft New Zealand

This book has too many spelling mistakes such as Murdher and Liayer and what not. Not good reading for learned judjes.

—Literary Review by Baroness Misspella

Very weak in characterisation. Lacks a proper geographical anchor which would have given it some community identity. In fact, it could be anywhere in New Zealand.

—Bird’s Eye View Review Committee

Very disjointed prose. The plot wobbles and weaves on rubberised legs, which could prove useful when tyres go out of fashion.

—Ig Noble Prize Committee

This story line just goes round and round in circles.

—Spokes-person, New Zealand Cycling Association

"I love Absolute Bull. I remember the first day I met him. He came up to me, carrying this glove, and said: Madam, I believe I’ve found your bra.’’

—Clarabelle Cow, Paddock 41, Hooker Valley

We hope this book gets a ‘WOF! WOF!’ before publication.

—The Barking Mad Kennel Club

As this book deals with the ruminations of a talking bull, it will probably have no end. And thereby hangs a tale. Or is that tail?

—The Bard of Avon

I like this book about New Zealand. Is good. Is very good. It’s very honest, truly very honest and forthright. There’s no media bias. No sign of the Washington Post or CNN manipulating its contents. There’s no fake news, only alternative facts. I have recommended it to my friend Vladimir. By the way, where is Canberra?

—Tweetle-Dum

We’re grateful that there is no mention in this book of a compulsory firearms register, as this would have violated our basic right to rob dairies of cash, cigarettes and lollies.

—Big Bore Blunderbuss Association of New Zealand

There are certain references in this book to the so-called obscene bonuses and salaries of the inmates of the Tower on Albert Street. These references are factual exaggerations. Also, that Auckland has now been renamed as the Affordable City of Salaries is 5% fake news.

—Media report November 2018

Dramatis Personæ

Absolute the Bull

Matador%20bull%20(1).jpg

This guy talks like an English duke on a pension because of military service by his great-great-great-grandfather in the 19th century Afghan Wars.

Although quite literate, having done a bit of Shakespeare during a part-time role in the Ringling Brothers Circus, Absolute takes umbrage that his name is represented often by symbols such as ‘$%&@’. He’s also known as AB for short and thus feels a strong affinity with the world’s most famous rugby team. Absolute is keen to emphasise that he represents the voice of all Russian and non-Russian New Zealanders and, like them, has a penchant for a namesake kind of vodka.

The Liayer

The%20Shark.jpg

This rather unflattering epithet stuck because a disappointed client pointedly refused to pronounce the word ‘lawyer’ in the Queen’s English. A successful beat-the-rap artist, The Liayer created a band called Legal Raid and channelled a high percentage of the proceeds into his own bank account.

Somehow, he managed to continue his practice, earning the reputation of being the lawyer with the most drawn-out courtroom cases in New Zealand. He’s also known as the Great Legal Shark and frequently misrepresents himself as a distant cousin of a famed Aussie golfer.

Justin Case

Meerkat%20flaming%20ball.png

He’s the protagonist who’s slim and reedy as a meerkat and bears an uncanny resemblance to that creature. Justin is accused of getting rid of his wife Missus Case and has thus invited the overwhelming wrath of law enforcement, the media, and the New Zealand justice system. Sensing a great opportunity in legal aid, the Shark swam to his rescue.

Missus Case

Mystery surrounds her disappearance as she’s built like a two-tonne truck and has numerous speeding tickets for airborne travel on a motorised broomstick. She makes an occasional appearance in the book as ‘a phantasma or hideous dream’.

Honourable mentions

These include some of New Zealand’s learned judges, members of the police (no names mentioned) and individuals of the unlawful fraternity. Also included are public-spirited citizens who have eloquently expressed their views in letters to the editors of leading newspapers as well as to talk-back hosts.

Dietary Warning

Some readers may find the contents of this book indigestible, considering the numerous ruminations by Absolute the Bull. However, in the interests of your health, be rest assured that the contents are fat-free, although there are discernible traces of acid.

Global Warming Warning

There is also a possibility that the long-winded contents of this book (aka hot air) might be seen as competition by the worthy residents in the Parliament Beehive. It is thus possible to assume that future publications of this book might attract a hot air fart tax (HAFT).

In connection to the tax, a Government referendum confirmed that 97 % of Kiwis (human, bird and bovine) believe that Parliament is the only institution that should attract a HAFT, considering the volume of heat generated within its hallowed precincts that adds a substantial carbon count to global warming. Needless to add, as its wont, the Government did not accept the referendum.

It has also come to light that children watching Parliamentary proceedings as part of their cultural upbringing and education are dismayed that their right to roll around in muddy sandpits and slang one another has been denied to them until they grow up and stand for elections.

Final Warning

This book has been printed in largish type to not only fatten it for the price you pay (aka value for money) but also to help you read between the lines.

P.S. Absolute the Bull is primarily the author of these ruminations which faithfully reproduces conversational exchanges between the characters. There are also many direct addresses to the Reader, unexplained interjections, quotes from the media, and references to famous and infamous people, which are deliberately coincidental. Although found in the fiction section of the local library under ‘crime’, there are a few copies of the book in the reference section under Judicial Pronouncements in New Zealand: Believe It or Not.

An Introduction to the Chapters

The question of how to permanently get rid of your wife with the minimum amount of fuss or punishment has vexed the princely minds of the Machiavellian male. If, in the due diligent process