The Chaser Quarterly 1

By The Chaser

In this first and most likely last issue of the Chaser Quarterly, we spend our entire crowd-funding income on flights to Panama to investigate how to set up a tax haven for our predicted millions of dollars of e-book sales. Our investigative report includes special tips for world leaders about how best to deflect questions relating to your frequent trips to the Cayman Islands, and some easy lines to remember to make it sound like your critics are just jealous of your success and hard work.

Plus we feature travel guide of Qatar for readers who are fans of soccer and human rights violations, a look back at the first sporting match between white settlers and the Australian Aboriginals for fans of soccer and human rights violations, and some pretty darn good kerning for those typography enthusiasts out there.

Also in this issue:
- Twelve pages of apologies and corrections
- Karl Stefanovic opens up about what it's like to by Australia's Tony Jones for dummies
- A specialty scratch and sniff feature that perfectly captures the aroma of an e-reader screen
- A criticism of Walleed Ali's hot-topic thinkpieces, penned by Walleed Ali
- Twelve hilarious gifs which don't really translate well to print
- Parenting expert Mia Freedman's top 10 tips for bullying obese children
- Three pages of size twenty typeface as we begin to run out of content

The Chaser Quarterly: Ideal for any fan of the Chaser who is also able to read.

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Chaser
• Release date: Apr 7, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310827709

The Chaser

The Chaser is a multilevel satire company that recruits members via a promise of cheap laughs in return for enrolling others into the scheme, rather than supplying actual sustained comedic entertainment. As recruiting multiplies, keeping up the cheap laughter becomes quickly impossible, and most members are unable to find any humour whatsoever in its content; as such, The Chaser is unsustainable and has often been described as illegally unfunny. Schemes like The Chaser have existed for at least a century in different guises. Some multilevel satire schemes have been classified as neurotoxic.

Book preview

Table of Contents

The Festival of Safe Ideas

Contents

A note from The Chaser's Chief Financial Officer

'Wanquer' by Rolex

The Chaser's Year in Review

My Day with Mark Scott

The Forgotten Moments of Australian History

The Chaser Roadtest - Offshoring

Contracts That Should Exist

The Chaser's Guide to Tax Havens

Sword of Knives - The Dragon's Claw Volume 6

Fassalah

California Terrorist Incident

Qatar - Bad Boy of the Middle East

The End of Satire

Goings On

A Conversation with Lionel Corn

Prima Don

Shit Bet

4 Best (and Worst) Movies of 2015

The Cate Blanchett Campus

George Brandis Political Theatre

Letters to the Editor

The Boring details

Social Media Manager - ISIS

Caption Competition

This could happen to you

$1 Coffee

Contributors

Festival_of_safe_ideas

Contents

The Chaser Quarterly • Summer 2015 • Issue 01

Page 1

The Cover

Not going to describe it, because you’ve already seen it.

Page 3

Topless Ladies

Not really. It’s actually this page.

Pages 7-11

7-11 Pay Scandal

Mark Latham explains why complaining about your wage is a bourgeois indulgence available only to inner-city lefty elites

Page 15

Karl’s Lament

Karl Stefanovic reveals just how hard it is to be Australia’s Tony Jones for Idiots.

Page 22

Australia at the UN

Julie Bishop is UN Australian, and a Foreign Minister,

writes Andrew Bolt in a rare moment of lucidity.

Page 27

Francis: The McPope?

How the Catholic Church plans to take on McDonald’s by beefing up the communion sacrament – with actual beef!

Page 32

Hey, Tubby!

Parenting expert Mia Friedman shares her top 10 strategies for making fun of obese children.

Page 43

Crypto Currency

Is it digital money, or robbing graves? We’re not sure. Neither are you. No one is.

Page 48

Our next PM

A tear-out-and-keep betting form for your office sweeps on when Turnbull wakes up with a knife in his back.

Page 55

Profile: Waleed Aly

Australia’s brownest TV host shares his thoughts on life, love and what it’s like to be Australia’s Safest Muslim.

Page 62

What’s wrong with you

That isn’t a question. We’re going to list all the reasons why you’re just a shit person. Starting with that haircut.

Page 74

Australia Mourns

A look back at the moment when Bart Cummings became Bart Goings, by Gai Waterhouse.

Page 88

NRL in Turmoil

How the world of Rugby League was rocked when everyone realised just how stupid it is as a sport.

Page 92

Letters

Join us as we rifle through someone’s personal correspondence.

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A note from The Chaser’s

Chief Financial Officer

Welcome to The Chaser Quarterly, the latest tax-loss making venture from the people who brought you such successful tax losses as The Chaser Newspaper, CNNNN and The Chaser’s War on Everything.

Ever since The Chaser started, back in 1999, we have strived to build our company on a solid foundation of inexplicable and highly technical tax losses that form the bedrock of modern corporate life.

If Apple barely scrapes by in Australia – paying $12 million of tax on revenues of $7 billion, if Google Australia comes across as essentially broke, and if Chevron gets tax refund cheques even while selling off $25 billion of Australia’s own gas then it’s time that the other trusted household name – The Chaser – should become a member of this corporate club of luxurious penury.

Although this is only the first edition of The Chaser Quarterly, it would be silly if we didn’t already have one eye on a stock market listing in the coming months, followed by an almost immediate delisting to take the company private again through a leveraged management buyout, funded by private equity. According to our bankers, this is a great way to unlock the wealth in our company. I believe them, given the size of their art collections, our bankers seem to be brilliant at unlocking wealth in all sorts of different companies.

Indeed, these bankers tell us that a dual market listing between Shanghai’s Chi-X and New York’s NASDAQ is not as absurd as it sounds for a company that currently has no revenue, and whose prospects are entirely based on modelling that has, as its key assumption, that all seven billion people on earth have the same spending habits as 25-34 year old males from Palo Alto, California.

After all, the Chaser Quarterly has just started up, and therefore can rightly be dubbed a start-up. And it’s important to distinguish a start-up from a boring old standard business that does things like take in more revenue than the cost of generating it, and therefore turn, (what old school capitalists such as Henry Ford used to call) a profit.

The Chaser: A natural disrupter

A start-up is about disruption and there is nothing that The Chaser does better than disruption. Sure, in the past this has generally involved disrupting those in power, by confronting politicians and corporate figures in the street, but most of all, disrupting the reception areas of those in power.

Business models might seem a slightly less glamorous thing to disrupt. But what could be more subversive than sidling up to capitalism and adopting it wholesale, while retaining the look and feel of an anti-capitalist posture? I mean, ultimately, wasn’t that what revolutionary communism ended up being?

Think of The Chaser as the subversives of late-stage capitalism.This time, instead of working against the system, we’re working within the system, using our subversion to help capitalism become better at its job. 

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Never before has subversion looked so mainstream – and appealing to equity markets.

Sure, The Chaser used to break windows in the justice system, challenge the institutions of authority, and even tempt assassination by the US secret service, but ‘disruption’ in the start-up sense is just a more subtle form of that. The only change is that instead of overthrowing those in power, we seek to join them: but only in order to change them – if we get around to it.

Look at the great disrupters of the past 10 years. Uber, AirBNB, BuzzFeed, Facebook, Twitter. What do all these companies have in common (beyond making their founders rich beyond their wildest imaginings)? Not much – but isn’t making their founders rich beyond their wildest imaginings enough? Here at The Chaser, we tend to think so.

We would like to announce that The Chaser has decided to set itself up with a similar structure to the companies that we most admire: the ones that avoid the most tax in the most jurisdictions around the world.

We’re not just saying this. We are actually doing it. Over the coming quarters, The Chaser’s Guide to Tax Havens