Regrets: A True Story of Suffering, Abuse, and Exploitation

By Jeannie Walker

This is a true story.
I was abused as a child, and I still have the scars.
Abuse lasts forever.
There is no such thing as a life without regrets.
We cannot change the past, but we can ruin the present by worrying about the future. Life is too short and time is too precious to dwell on what might have been.
This is my true story of the suffering and torment inflicted upon me when I was an innocent, trusting child.
I regret not getting an apology from my abuser. But, I have learned to forgive. But, I still have the scars.
The grace of God carried me across the river of suffering and pain with faith that life will expand until it fills the universe.
There is no such thing as a life without regrets.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeannie Walker
• Release date: Mar 23, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311090522

Jeannie Walker

Award-Winning AuthorFirst and foremost, I want to thank you for choosing my true stories over many others that are available to you.I am sincerely grateful that you’ve chosen my books to read.Bio: My debut book (true crime story) “Fighting the Devil” was selected as the 2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR SILVER AWARDS WINNER and 2011 NATIONAL INDIE EXCELLENCE AWARDS FINALIST in TRUE CRIME.My books also include a true story about my near death experience and return from death’s door “I Saw the Light”.A true story about my encounter with a ghost and other ghostly encounters "Thomas, The Friendly Ghost".A full color illustrated children’s short story “The Rain Snake”- a true story about the magic of a Native American Indian Legend and the magic in prayer.I studied creative writing in New York and Connecticut and a member of the International Association of Writers. I am an avid reader and a real-life Sherlock Holmes.

Book preview

REGRETSFOREVER IN MY HEART

A True Story of Suffering, Abuse and Exploitation

by

Jeannie Walker

SMASHWORDS EDITION

*****

PUBLISHED BY:

Jeannie Walker on Smashwords

Regret

A True Story of Suffering, Abuse, and Exploitation

Copyright © 2015 Jeannie Walker

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

*****

Regrets

A True Story of Suffering, Abuse, and Exploitation

Dedicated to:

My sis, who still encourages me

just as she did when we were young.

Thank you Sis.

You are the best.

*****

Jeannie Walker

*****

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Chapter 1- Innocence

Chapter 2 - Dangerous Liaison

Chapter 3 - Murder or Suicide

Chapter 4 - Dream or Reality

Chapter 5- Grief

Chapter 6 - Fun Times

Chapter 7 - Broken

Chapter 8 - Sexual Predator

Chapter 9 - My Companion

Chapter 10 - A Cold Winter

Chapter 11 - Misery

Chapter 12 -Survival

Chapter 13 - My One and Only

Chapter 14 - A Gift

Chapter 15 - Fight or Flight

Chapter 16 - Walking the Road

Chapter 17 - Love and Life

Chapter 18 - Moving On

Chapter 19 - Forgiving

Afterword

About the Author

*****

List of Illustrations

# 1 ... Jeannie as a Young Child

# 2 ... My Dad

# 3 ... Gun in Desk Drawer

# 4 ... State Trooper

# 5 ... Police Officers

# 6 ... Funeral

# 7 ... Scary Sight

# 8 ... Hiding

# 9 ... Jeannie’s Friend

#10 ... Crawdad (Crayfish)

#11 ... Baby Piglet

#12 ... Broken Chair

#13 ... Jeannie and her Pet

#14 ... Explosive Mood

#15 ... Jeannie’s Protector

#16 ... Jumping Through Screen

#17 ... Needing Direction

#18 ... Sisters Braving Weather

#19 ... Misery

#20 ... Suffering in Silence

#21 ... Baby Chicks

#22 ... Baby Chicks n Brooder

#23 ... Holding Baby Chick

#24 ... Jeannie with her Doll

#25 ... Sisters with their Dolls

#26 ... Digging in Dirt

#27 ... Doll’s Grave

#28 ... Jeannie’s Faithful Companion

#29 ... A Gift

#30 ... Snake On Dashboard

#31 ... Walking Down Dirt Road

#32 ... Orphans Home

#33 ... Dad Standing by Truck

#34 ... Jeannie’s Sister with Gelding

#35 ... Riding like the Wind

#36 ... Big Red

#37 ... Hanging Out Clothes

#38 ... Sisters

#39 ... Moving On

#40 ... Mom in Casket

#41 ... Mom with Childhood Friend

#42 ... Mom Marrying Childhood Friend

#43 ... Grim Reaper

#44 ... Jeannie Giving Eulogy

#45 ... Jesse Walker at Viewing

#46 ... Graveside Service

#47 ... Burial Site of Jeannie’s Mother

#48 ... Jeannie and her Sisters

#49 ... Jeannie and sister, Joyce

*****

Author’s Note

By the time your life is finished, you will have learned just enough to begin it well.."

~ Eleanor Marx

There is no such thing as a life without regrets.

The bitterest tears are shed over graves for words unsaid or deeds that are left undone.

We cannot change the past, but we can ruin the present by worrying about the future. Life is too short and time is too precious to dwell on what might have been.

This is my true story of the suffering and torment that was inflicted upon me when I was an innocent, trusting child.

I feel sorrow for my abuser. I regret not getting an apology. But, I have learned to forgive.

Only the grace of God carried me across the river of suffering and pain with faith that life will expand until it fills the universe.

Is it not better to forgive than to remember and regret?

The names of some individuals have been changed. An asterisk (*) indicates such names the first time each appears in the book.

*****

Chapter One

~ Innocence ~

Children lose their innocence the very moment they are forced to make excuses for their parent’s behavior.~ Krista Dell Femine

A Child’s prayer ...

Now I lay me down to sleep ... I pray the Lord my soul to keep ... if I should die before I wake ... I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Loving parents want their child to grow up without exposure to violence or experiencing trauma.

Having a loving parent is a blessing.

I was very young when I was told, You’ll never amount to anything.

I read somewhere that George Washington’s mother told him the very same thing.

He overcame the psychological impact that statement had, and proved his mother was wrong.

Psychological impacts to a child during their formative years can have profound consequences that can last for the rest of their lives.

The longer children keep their innocence the stronger their belief in the ability of humankind to fix problems.

Children need to be happy.

They need to hear bedtime stories before they go to bed at night.

They need a good parent so they can grow up to be happy.

Jeannie as a young child

Young children do not know it is not their fault when bad things happen to them.

As a young child, I thought I must have done something to cause the abuse.

I didn’t know what to do to stop the pain and suffering caused by my abuser. But, I knew how much the abuse hurt.

I remember sitting on the cold, hard ground holding my legs because they were stinging from the pain of a switch.

I didn’t know what I did to deserve the punishing blows.

But, as I grew older I started realizing my abuser wanted to see me begging and shedding tears as I was being abused.

But, my tears only made my abuser want to inflict more pain upon me.

I learned that crying didn’t make the pain go away and I became afraid that a single teardrop might turn into a raging stream that would wash me away to an unknown place that I could never return from.

So I learned how to keep from shedding tears no matter how much pain was inflicted upon me.

I became proficient in channeling my feelings, and learning how to keep from showing any kind of emotion, happy or sad.

I learned to keep to myself, and never, ever, mention a want or desire I might have.

I began thinking I was ugly.

I believed if people paid me a compliment it was because they felt sorry for me since I was so ugly.

If my abuser heard any kind words coming my way, I would be given a tongue lashing and stings from a switch.

Who was my abuser?

Even now that is a hard question to answer without the feeling of hurt and sadness welling up in my heart.

My abuser did not use illegal drugs or consume alcohol.

My tormentor was a person who normally nurtures and loves a child, especially when that child is their own flesh and blood.

My abuser was my mother.

She was prone to mood swings.

One minute she could be hunky dory — the next minute she could explode, launching into a tirade of verbal and physical abuse.

As much as I try to forget, I still remember my mother blowing up in anger, saying,

"You’ll never amount to anything because you are useless. You are ugly and bad.

I know now, why I became self-conscious about everything — my looks ... my curly hair ... my brown eyes ... the way I dressed.

I grew up thinking everything about me was bad.

But, I tried to be good.

It was always my hope that I could win approval and acceptance from my mother, but that never happened.

I became very shy and kept to myself.

I wanted to disappear ... vanish into thin air.

I often wondered why