The Girlfriend Wager

By Edward Davies

INTENDED FOR THOSE AGED TEEN AND ABOVE : CONTAINS MILD SEX SCENES AND LANGUAGE

Life hasn’t been very rewarding for Rob, Adrian, Jim, Kent and Hugh but, if what they’ve seen in the movies is true, they should be in for a three-year sex and party filled treat. They’re heading to university.

London, 1997 : Five college friends make a bet to see who can get a girlfriend, have sex with her, and keep her around for more than three months.

Jim is already in love with Abi, but does she love him back or is she just using him as part of one of her man-hungry mind games?

Adrian falls for any woman who’ll talk to him, causing no end of problems in his social life, but he just can’t face asking a girl out.

Rob already has a girlfriend, Aurora, but she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. When he meets Isla, an Australian student who shares many of his likes and dislikes, he has to decide on how to approach the problem – break up with Aurora then ask out Isla, or ask out Isla first... just in case she turns him down.

Hugh, usually considered the most useless of the group when it comes to women, actually meets a girl and starts to date her, but she wants to keep their relationship a secret as her dad is one of their lecturers.

And finally there’s Kent, who doesn’t believe in gambling, but joins in when he thinks he’s on to a sure thing with his college friend Rachel.

As the year progresses, the boys face the challenges of a new environment and new people, and slowly they start to realise how futile their ambitions might be, and wonder if they will ever get the girl of their dreams or just continue to be unlucky in love? Only time will tell...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Edward Davies
• Release date: Jan 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781511598804

Edward Davies

Edward Davies was born in London, England in 1978. He has worked in IT since 2009 and moved to Christchurch, New Zealand, in 2011. He is currently in the process of editing two books, one an alternate world tale tentatively titled COUNTDOWN in which the USA appears to declare war on the UK, the other is book one of MUTANT TOE, a comedy superhero series that features reluctant heroes with terrible powers. He is also working on an SF short story / novella called SPECIAL DELIVERY and is trying to start a new YA fantasy series about protagonist Helen Singer.

Book preview

Prologue - She Can’t Be Inflatable

FRIDAY 23 MAY, 1997

18.32

Jimesh Nayar, who was better known as Jim to his friends, sat in a corner of a local pub. College had officially finished for the year, but for him it was only until September. He had retaken his GCSEs, but for almost everyone else he knew this was the last day for them forever -- other than for exams and the prom, neither of which anyone was looking forward to. He held a glass still half-full of lager in his hands, and his eyes glazed over from sheer boredom.

Kent Doyle, a kid from Jim’s form group, sat next to him, sadly bopping his head to an Aerosmith tune he’d selected from the juke box. His short cropped hair stayed suspiciously still as his head moved out of tune to the music, and his face began to glisten with sweat from the simple exertion of moving his head up and down. The two of them made for a depressing sight.

Hugh Delgado, who had been at both secondary school and college with Jim, staggered up to the two sad looking boys, taking a seat next to Jim. He brushed his dark unruly hair out of his eyes, a tuft of white falling back against his forehead.

What’s up with you two? he asked, You look like somebody died – did somebody die?

I’m just a bit pissed off, Kent sulked, Aurora fancies Rob, not me.

Kent was referring to their friend Rob McGarry. Jim had known Rob for nearly two years, ever since they started college and were assigned the same form class together. The girl in question was Aurora Smart, a pretty girl that Kent had fancied for quite a while; clearly the feeling was less than mutual if she fancied Rob.

Oh, well that’s too bad. Now you know how the rest of us feel. Hugh sneered, a sneer that mainly arose from his consumption of alcohol, No one ever fancies me.

That’s because you’re a git, Kent grumbled. He looked down at his half-empty glass, then over at a boy approaching them from the bar.

It was Adrian Devitt’s round, and he returned from the bar carrying a lager in one hand and a shandy in the other. Adrian had known Jim since secondary school, where they had both bunked off PE together with fake sick notes for three years. He set the two drinks down on the table before taking a seat himself.

Thanks pal, Hugh smiled, picking up the shandy.

No problem. Adrian said, putting his arm on Jim’s shoulder, What’s up, man? You don’t look so good.

I don’t feel so good. Jim complained without shifting his gaze.

I’d better get you another drink then. Adrian suggested, ignoring Jim’s half-full lager and returning to the bar.

Please don’t, Jim complained, I don’t feel very well.

A drink will make you feel better, Adrian insisted, heading to the bar.

Hugh looked with confusion at the window behind Kent and Jim, then asked, Where is Rob anyway?

He’s probably off shagging Aurora or something. Kent snapped bitterly, his words almost drowned out by the lager that was spilling passed his lips.

They’re not even dating yet, Hugh rolled his eyes.

I think he’s with Miss Crawford, Jim said, desperately trying to move his head without creating the pounding noise that was booming in his ears.

What, Hugh said, the sexy English teacher?

Yep, Jim sighed, he’s probably trying to bone her as well as Aurora – setting the groundwork for a ménage a trois.

Ew, Hugh sighed, wrinkling up his face, That’s not right.

There’s a lot about Rob that isn’t right, Kent said bitterly.

18.45

Rob sat in a corner with his ex-English teacher, Miss Crawford, guzzling down his seventh pint of the evening.

Can I tell you something, Miss? he asked, his head swaying a little as he spoke.

Miss Crawford, who was pretty drunk herself, just looked at him, What is it? she asked.

You’re my most favouritest teacher in the whole wide world ever! he smiled, I think you’re great!

Miss Crawford smiled, Thanks, Rob. You’re great too.

Thanks. he grinned. Then he spotted Jessamine at the bar with Diana and her other friend, Melanie. Rob had it bad for Jessamine, and his solemn wish was to take her to a remote and romantic cabin in the woods… and bang her.

Excuse me, he excused himself, then got shakily up from his seat and swayed to the bar.

Hello ladies. he said, approaching the three girls, might I interest you all in a drink?

Jessamine smiled at Rob, That would be lovely, Rob. Thank you.

Rob beckoned the barwoman with a drunken click of his fingers. The barwoman approached the bar and stared at Rob, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

What will it be sir? she asked flatly, the sir being added in a sarcastic tone.

I would like… he began, then his face fell. He looked to Jessamine for assistance.

Three vodka and oranges. Jessamine said slowly, holding up her fingers to indicate the quantity required.

Rob turned back to the barwoman, Three vodkas and orange please, he said, holding up four fingers, and a large pint.

The barwoman walked off to get the drinks, clearly wondering what Rob thought constituted a large pint, and Rob turned to Jessamine, smiling. Her friends started to laugh at him, though he thought they were laughing at the barwoman.

I showed her, he smiled, pointing his thumb at the barwoman as she returned with the drinks, though what he showed her would remain a topic of much debate.

That’s nine seventy-five please, the barwoman droned, placing the drinks on the counter.

Thank you my good woman, Rob bowed slightly, almost falling over. He took a ten pound note out of his pocket and handed it to the barwoman, And keep the change.

Thank you, she uttered monotonously, taking the tenner from Rob and walking off with it to the cash register.

Rob picked up his pint and took a slurp from it, spilling some down his shirt. He laughed drunkenly and wiped at the developing stain, looking up at Jessamine and the others.

How are your drinks? he asked.

We’ll let you know when we’ve drunk them, Jessamine smiled, walking off with her two friends.

Rob’s brow furrowed into a frown, Where are you going? he asked almost inaudibly, and clearly far out of Jessamine’s hearing capability. Realising that she couldn’t hear him, or more likely was choosing not to hear him, he took his pint and went to join Jim and the others.

There he is, Jim pointed labouringly as Rob approached them.

Hello, everyone. Rob managed before collapsing into the seat next to Jim, almost spilling his pint.

Are you okay, mate? Adrian asked, having already returned with Jim’s extra lager and another for himself.

It’s Jessamine. Rob whined, She’ll barely talk to me at the moment. And I just wasted a tenner on the cow. What am I gonna do, Adey?

I don’t know, Adrian said, why are you asking me?

I don’t know, Rob mumbled, I just don’t know anything anymore.

Stop moaning, Kent sighed, at least you’ve got someone after you.

Rob lifted his head slightly, a confused look on his face, Who’s after me? he groaned, I didn’t know anyone was after me.

Kent folded his arms defiantly and jutted out his bottom lip, It doesn’t matter. he sulked.

He’s talking about Aurora, Hugh revealed, apparently she thinks you’re cute for some reason.

Aurora? Rob widened his eyes, Big-tits Aurora? he mulled the idea over in his head, I suppose I could do worse.

Jim sighed an extremely long sigh, Does anyone want to go outside and get some air? he asked, This pub’s got a lovely little garden area out the back.

Why not, Hugh smiled, picking up his shandy, I’m bored of sitting here.

Let’s go then. Kent groaned, lifting himself from his seat, leaving Rob on his own to think about Aurora.

19.22

Kent sat quietly in the garden area of the pub, sipping absently at his cider. He gulped down what he’d collected in his mouth and sighed;

It’s not fair, he grumbled, it’s just not bloody fair.

Life isn’t fair. Adrian concluded, not caring what Kent was talking about, and finished off his pint, I’m off to the bar.

Adrian wandered through the crowds of students, pushing many aside in an attempt to reach the bar quicker. He was within feet of the bar when he was stopped by an extremely drunk Rob.

Alright Adey? he slurred, gripping a hand onto Adrian’s head, How are fings going?

Get off! Adrian shooed with his hands, How much have you had to drink?

Rob looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought, then returned his look to Adrian, I dunno, he concluded.

Rob stumbled backwards into the crowd -- the only thing keeping him upright being the crowd itself. Adrian rolled his eyes and walked off to the bar.

19.45

Cheer up, Kent, Adrian smiled, slamming a pint of Kronenburg in front of his friend, it might never happen.

That’s what worries me. Kent sighed, Where are Jim and Hugh?

They’re just over there, Adrian pointed, with Maria and, er, I dunno who the other girl is.

Should we go over and have a chat? Kent suggested, I’m bored over here on my own.

Alright then, Adrian agreed, picking his glass up as Kent rose from his seat.

The two sauntered over to where Jim and Hugh were and waved slightly.

What are you guys up to? Kent asked.

We’re just mingling. Jim shrugged an eyebrow, then gestured to the girl that Adrian and Kent didn’t know, This is Lou -- you know her from RE, right Ade?

Adrian attempted to disguise a look of total confusion as he replied, Oh yeah, of course. Alright Lou?

Hi Ade, Lou smiled in greeting then fell silent again.

So, Jim sunk his hands into his pockets, what’s been happening?

Not a lot, Adrian sighed, taking a gulp from his pint, Rob’s pissed already.

Already? Jim shook his head, then almost lost his balance, What is with some people?

Adrian smiled slightly, Yeah, I know what you mean.

Jim reached for his almost empty drink which he’d placed on the table behind him, accidentally knocking it over.

Bugger! he cursed, I’d better go and get another one.

We’ll be waiting out here for you. Kent called after Jim as he waddled back inside.

19.52

Jim found himself at the bar -- though not too sure of how he had got there -- and looked up sleepily. He was standing next to a girl from his Law class called Annabel. He smiled at her;

Alright, Annabel? he saluted sloppily, looking at her drink, What’s that you’re drinking?

Annabel looked at Jim, realising he didn’t know what the hell was going on in the real world, and smiled, It’s water, she lied. To be fair, she was more than a little drunk herself, and part of her thought telling Jim that her glass of straight vodka was actually water might be quite funny. Ordinarily she’d have just tried to grab Jim’s arse. She had something of a major crush on him.

Jim’s face almost lit up, Water? he grinned, Great! Can I have some?

Help yourself, Annabel smiled as Jim picked up the glass, then looked a little concerned as he gulped down its entire contents. Jim’s expression changed dramatically as he rolled his tongue out of his mouth in disgust, attempting to rid himself of the taste of the drink.

That wasn’t water, was it? Jim coughed.

Annabel looked innocently to the ceiling, Did I say it was? she asked vaguely, pursing her lips in a whistling mime.

Yes! Jim retorted, Yes, you did. You said that it was water!

Oh, Annabel shrugged, Sorry.

Sorry? Jim pushed himself away from the bar, deftly managing to keep his balance despite being as drunk as the proverbial lord, Sorry? I’ll give you…

Jim’s attempts to have a go at Annabel ended in futility as he collapsed to the floor unconscious.

19.58

Jim’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at the ceiling. It was spinning slightly, but when it formed properly he smiled.

He felt good.

Are you okay? Annabel asked, leaning over him. Jim blinked rapidly, taking in the sight of the girl bending over, her top hanging slightly away from her body so he could see her bra underneath, You’ve been out for more than five minutes.

Jim dragged himself to his feet and steadied himself on the nearby bar. Rubbing his temples, he chuckled;

He felt really good.

I’m fine, he said, leaning in closely to the girl, I’ve never felt better.

Jim’s eyes spun rapidly, trying to take in his surroundings. Everything seemed somehow different to him; the pub, the people, everything. He blinked violently, rubbing his eyes with the knuckles of his right hand. No, no, everything was the same.

What was in that drink? he asked Annabel, shaking his head to try and clear his drunken stupor.

Well, it wasn’t water, Annabel told him.

Well, I feel pretty good, Jim smiled at her.

You look pretty good, too, Annabel smiled back, I was almost tempted to take advantage of you while you lay there.

Jim gave Annabel a funny look, not sure what to make of her comment, then staggered back out into the garden, leaving Annabel to her own devices.

As he ventured outside, gulping in the fresh air, he spotted Rob coming towards him. Jim smiled;

Hey, man, he greeted, his arms outstretched, how’s it going?

Great man, Rob returned, smiling also, I love you man.

I love you too, man, Jim grinned as the two hugged drunkenly. Kent shook his head as he watched the two drunks;

What does Aurora see in him? he asked himself, grinding his teeth with intent.

Rob and Jim turned to Kent, hearing him grind his teeth, and grinned;

We love you too, man. they chorused, grabbing a hold of him.

Oh god, Kent groaned as the two sloppily embraced him.

Hugh, who had been sitting next to Kent, cocked an eyebrow and finished off his shandy. Placing his glass back down on the table he was sat next to, he began to look around the pub. He noticed that Lola was standing not too far away, chatting with Sheila. He’d fancied Lola since he first laid eyes on her, at the age of eleven on his first day at secondary school, and ever since he had watched her with longing as she’d grown into the beautiful woman he now saw standing before him. He smiled dreamily and, with determination, he got up from his seat and strolled over to her. As he approached, Adrian ran up to him;

What are you doing, man? he asked, having noticed the gleam in Hugh’s eye.

I’m going to ask her, he answered cryptically, I’ve waited seven years, and now I’m going to ask her.

Ask her what? Adrian said, If she thinks you’re an idiot? I can tell you now, the answer is yes.

Hugh glared at Adrian, I’m going to ask her out.

You’re going to ask Lola out? Adrian rolled his eyes, Are you kidding me?

I kid you not, Hugh swayed his head.

But she’s way out of your league, Adrian shook his head, I mean, if she’s Premier Division, you’re somewhere in the Vauxhall Conference.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Hugh wiped his mouth and took a step forward. Adrian stopped him again.

I’m not being cruel, Adrian admitted, I just don’t want what happened to me to happen to you.

A few weeks back, Adrian’s Media Studies class had been playing a game of Truth Or Dare. Adrian had been dared to say who he fancied the most in the college, and rather than going for something obvious like saying one of the teachers, he’d told the truth and said he fancied a girl called Sandra. Things had gone badly after that, and his hopes for any sort of relationship with her seemed about as likely as life being discovered on Pluto.

Well, I have to try, Hugh smiled crookedly, and if I don’t ask now, I may never know if she loves me or not.

Adrian rolled his eyes, letting go of Hugh’s arm and letting him go to make a fool of himself.

20.23

Jim staggered back in from the bar and toddled over to Kent and Adrian, I think I’d better go home now, he croaked, I told my mum that I’d be back by half-six, and you know what she’s like.

Why do you always tell her that you’re going to be home at a ridiculously early hour, when you know bloody well you won’t be? Kent asked Jim.

I dunno, Jim shrugged, it shuts her up if she think I’m going to be home early -- you know how she can be, He looked at his watch, holding it close to his face until his vision cleared, anyway, I’m only an hour or so late, so she shouldn’t be too bad.

You’re two hours late, Adrian corrected, "she’s bound to have called my mum by now."

Well, Jim said, not moving, I’d better be off then.

Kent smiled at Jim, Okay then, he waved slightly, We’ll see you soon.

Jim remained standing where he was, staggering slightly to one side and smiling at Kent and Adrian.

You want us to walk you home, don’t you, Adrian groaned. Kent sighed along with him.

We might as well, he said, rising from his seat, it is getting a bit dry here.

Come on then, Adrian moaned as he and Kent helped Jim stay upright, let’s go home.

As the three of them moved to leave the bar, Hugh tagged along behind, sporting a nasty looking black eye, Where are you guys off to? he asked, rubbing his swollen black eye gently as he spoke.

We’re going to get Jim safely home, Kent said, he only lives just down the road.

I might as well join you, Hugh said, turns out Lola has a boyfriend, and I think I just saw her talking to him…

Did he give you that black eye? Jim asked.

Hugh frowned, No, he said, Lola did.

Say no more, Adrian nodded, continuing towards the exit.

As they walked through the main doors to the pub, the four friends could see Rob sitting on the steps, a pool of what they could only assume was his sick congealing by his feet.

Hey, Rob, Kent said quietly, are you okay?

No, Rob wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve, I’m never gonna find anyone. I’m so lonely.

It was clear from Kent’s expression that he was enjoying this moment of weakness for Rob, but nobody commented.

Don’t be silly, Jim said, still a little shaky on his feet but managing to sit down in a dry spot next to Rob, you’ll find someone.

Rob shrugged, I just don’t have the motivation to look around, and the girls I’ve already set my sights on are a waste of time.

Don’t say that, Hugh shook his head, clearly empathizing with Rob’s situation, don’t ever say that.

But what am I gonna do? Rob asked, I need to find someone.

Don’t we all? Hugh chuckled.

Adrian stroked his chin, If you need motivation, he said, why don’t we make a bet?

A bet? Kent shook his head, I don’t gamble. Count me out."

What kind of bet? Rob asked, perking up a little.

Well, more like a wager, Adrian amended, we give ourselves one year to find a girlfriend.

A girlfriend? Hugh smiled, I like the sound of that.

Rob chuckled, That doesn’t sound so bad. What’s the catch?

There need to be rules, Jim stated, joining in, to count as a girlfriend, you need to date her for at least three months. One-night stands don’t count.

Easy enough, Rob said, maybe too easy.

And she can’t be inflatable, Hugh added, staring at Kent.

That was one time! Kent growled.

Then how about one more condition? Adrian grinned, You have to have sex with her.

Rob’s eyes widened. He’d been out with a fair few girls, but he’d never been able to convince any of them to give up their V card. He looked around the group, then smiled to himself – he suspected that none of the others would do any better than he would.

You’re on. Rob smiled, spitting a pukey bit of phlegm onto the palm of his hand, Shake on it?

We’ll take your word for it, Jim grimaced, I’m in too.

And me. Hugh beamed. The others stared at him, thinking about how easy it would be to take Hugh’s money, How much is it for?

One night of drinks, Adrian shrugged. the winner doesn’t have to buy a round.

I like the sound of that. Rob grinned, mirroring Hugh’s words as he picked himself up off the ground.

And we have the drinks here, Jim suggested, on this date in one year’s time.

You’re on, Adrian smiled as the gang started to walk down the road, taking Jim home.

1 - Australian Girls Have Been Rumoured To Hump Like Bunny Rabbits

MONDAY 22 SEPTEMBER, 1997

11.42

Well, here he was. Queuing up to sign on for his Writing and Publishing course at Middlesex University. Rob was surprised he’d gotten this far, passing his A Levels with good grades, let alone getting onto the course he wanted to do. In recent weeks, things had begun to change for him; he was finally over Jessamine Mammon, the girl he’d been lusting after for over two years, and he’d started going out with Aurora Smart, who had the most massive tits you could ever imagine. Things really were looking up for him since the prom night disaster where he’d snogged with Lou… Lou… come to think of it, he’d never known her surname -- weird. And that night of drinks was practically in the bag – if he could just get Aurora into the sack. He’d barely had the chance to so much as touch those huge melons of hers, but he could always lie to the others about it. Although Kent and Aurora were friends, and he’d be bound to open his big gob and blurt out to her that Rob had been bragging about slipping his cock in her.

He sighed and looked at his watch; he’d been in the queue since eleven o’clock, and frankly the waiting was beginning to piss him off something chronic. Clearly his frustrations with Aurora were spilling into other parts of his life. He rolled his sleeve back down over his watch and folded his arms behind his back impatiently, drumming his fingers against his elbows. How long did it take to give a few people some bits of paper anyway?

How long does it take to give a few people some bits of paper anyway? a voice spoke from behind Rob. He turned to see a good looking girl smiling back at him.

It’s like you read my mind, Rob said, a smile creeping across his face.

The girl raised her eyebrows, Maybe I did... she returned mysteriously.

Rob rolled his eyes, O-kay, he said slowly.

The girl held out her hand, My name’s Isla. she beamed, Good to meet you.

Rob took her hand and shook it, Hi, I’m Robert -- call me Rob.

Rob? Isla squinted through her thick-rimmed yet fashionable glasses, I like that -- it suits you.

Thanks, Rob cocked his head to the side, not too sure whether that was meant to be a compliment or a put-down. Did she think he liked stealing stuff?

Do I detect a slight accent? he asked, doing his best to try to keep the conversation going.

It’s Australian, Isla revealed, I lived there for a while, and I can’t shake it. Now my family live in Southampton.

Oh, Rob nodded his head, I’m from West London.

Well that’s not that far from the university. Isla nodded back, Do you commute?

No, I’m in halls.

Interesting, she smiled.

Interesting? Rob thought to himself, what did that mean?

So what course are you signing up for? Isla asked inquisitively.

Writing and publishing.

Excellent -- me too!

Well that’s good, Rob smiled, at least we both know someone on our course now.

Yeah, Isla sighed, I thought it would take a bit longer than this to meet someone on my course -- but with this queue, I’m surprised I haven’t run into everyone I ever met. It’s been a chore just waiting here for all this junk they’re going to give to us.

I know, it’s been ages -- when are they gonna hurry it along?

Soon I hope, Isla looked down at Rob’s feet, I like your socks. she commented.

You do? Rob looked at his socks, which featured Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street.

Yeah, Isla nodded jokingly, Sesame Street kicks ass.

Indeed, Rob smiled, I just love Big Bird.

I bet you do! Isla chuckled.

Rob grimaced at the joke, Very funny, ha ha ha.

You know you shouldn’t laugh like that, Isla pointed out, it makes you sound like such a dag.

Thanks a lot, Rob sneered, you’ve cheered me up no end.

You’re very welcome. Isla smiled, then looked at her watch, It’s nearly ten to now, she sighed, what are you doing after you leave here, then?

I was going to go and see if any of my flat mates had shown up yet, Rob raised his eyebrows, when I got here this morning, there was no one around.

The same happened on my campus. Isla shrugged, Anyway, do you want to get something to eat before you go back?

Was she asking him out? What about Aurora? Still, this girl was cute, and she was Australian – Australian girls have been rumoured to hump like bunny rabbits, Sounds good, Rob smiled, Burger King or MacDonald’s?

Well, there’s a MacD’s nearby, why not there?

Sure thing, Rob smiled, now we just need to wait until we get to the front of this bloody queue.

Isla laughed at Rob, and Rob smiled. This girl Isla seemed genuinely nice in his opinion, and she was bound to want a piece of the ole McGarry salami, but now he had something of a problem on his hands…

…He was already going out with Aurora. So, what was he to do?

16.07

Rob stuck his key in the lock to the front door of his campus flat. He turned the key, thinking about his little trip to MacDonald’s with Isla. She seemed like a nice enough person, full of life but, unfortunately, he was with Aurora now -- he was no longer a free agent, which was a god damned, low down, dirty rotten shame. Next time he saw Jim or Adrian, his two closest friends from college, he’d have to ask them their opinion on his situation. Knowing them as well as he did, they’d probably have similar situations in their own lives to contend with, though due to their inability to swallow their pride and actually ask people out, they obviously didn’t have girlfriends to worry about. Smiling to himself, he listened to the key click in place in the lock and the door swung open. Rob walked to his room and opened the door, throwing his bag onto his bed. He then headed for the kitchen.

A noise behind him caught his attention as one of the bedroom doors swung sharply open and a large head peeked around the door at him, grinning inanely.

Hidely-hey there, neighbourino! a voice called out in a clearly American accent, sounding a lot like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, You’re one of my flat mates, right?

That’s right, Rob smiled, thinking, Well, if I’m not one of your flat mates, then I must be a burglar come to rob you. He walked slowly towards the room that contained the large headed youth, holding his hand out in greeting, I’m Rob McGarry.

Hi! the American held out his hand in return, I’m Joseph Rosenbloom -- but you can call me Joe, seeing as we’re going to be flat mates and all.

And seeing as it’s your name. Rob added, then shook his hand, Hello, Joe.

What d’you know? Joe added, laughing, Oh, I’m just kidding with ya’. Don’t mind me -- I always do that.

Rob smiled, totally baffled by Joe, Yeah, he nodded, I’m sure you do.

So, have you met any of the others yet? Joe asked, still rocking slightly from his own private joke.

No, not yet, Rob shook his head, so far you’re the first.

Well tell me when you do, Joe said, I’ve been here for two weeks now, and there’s been, like, no one to talk to -- that could drive a guy cuckoo, you know.

Yeah, Rob nodded, walking back towards the kitchen, I can imagine.

Hey, Joe called after him, could you get me the Grape Nuts while you’re in there, pal of mine?

Rob turned back to look at Joe in total bewilderment, Could I get the what? he asked, not having the faintest clue what Joe was drivelling on about.

The Grape Nuts! Joe repeated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, They’re in a box, in the little cupboard under the sink.

Rob looked down at the cupboard under the sink and opened it up. It was filled with around a dozen identical boxes, all marked Grape Nuts. He picked up a box which had already been opened and sniffed at it suspiciously. There was no smell from the cereal-like substance inside whatsoever. Wondering what the hell they were, he shouted back to Joe’s room, What are they? Some kind of cereal or something?

Yeah, Joe answered, could you pass them over to me?

Rob walked back to Joe’s door and handed him the box, not questioning why he wanted cereal in the middle of the afternoon, So what’s in it? he asked, Grapes and nuts?

Actually, no. Joe answered, smiling as if he’d been waiting for someone to ask him that very question all his life, That’s the odd thing about Grape Nuts, you see -- they don’t actually contain any grapes or nuts. In fact, it’s quite weird that they ever inherited such a name in the first place. It’s baffled me for years!

I’m sure it’s baffled everyone for years. Rob nodded condescendingly, not really caring for the look of the strange cereal now held in Joe’s hands, "Is there anything