Relationship Secrets for Sexy Seniors

By Ely Lazar and Adele Thomas

Are you finding that your relationship is mundane and boring?
Has the spark of sexuality disappeared?
Have you bought into the idea that it's too late?

In this book, the authors reveal the reasons why many of the over 50's experience failed relationships with an increasing divorce rate in recent years. Statistically, second and third marriages are even less successful. While any one of many endeavors in life requires training programs, the authors point out that people don't require any such training for one of the most important aspects of our lives; our relationships.

This book not only takes the topic head-on, but it also reveals that the older years are a time for many to be highly sexual, yes seniors are doing it.

The book is not designed to titillate but rather to understand many aspects of relationships and how to make them successful. The authors explore the many myths about relationships. They also contend that if you have a great relationship, in most cases the sex will follow.

Topics presented include the four pillars of successful relationships, the importance of understanding and identifying values, and there is an exploration of everything from online dating to retirement villages where sex is well and truly regular fare.

The book is interspersed with vignettes that tell of the challenges that many couples experience in their relationships. Also, the authors give you practical and medical tips to enhance your sexual experience at any age.

The good news is that if you apply the advice in this book, not only will your relationship improve, but if you are on the lookout for a new one, you can go into it with greater awareness and likelihood of success. Even if you are not yet 50, this book can be highly revealing.

As Dr. John Demartini states, "This book's insights and practical steps will make your senior years sizzle."

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9780992406431

Book preview

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry

Dewey Number: 306.70846

Copyright © 2015 by Dr Adele Thomas and Dr Ely Lazar

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information-storage retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

The opinions expressed in this book are not meant to replace professional advice in the areas of relationship counseling or psychology. In writing this book, the authors are not dispensing medical or psychological advice either directly or indirectly. The book is for information purposes only. The authors do not assume any responsibility for any specific action that a reader of this book may take. It is recommended that for any specific advice that you consult your health professional.

Cover layout and text design by Tesser Book and Print Design.

Edited by Dr Liana Christensen

Sketches by NewWay Solutions

DR. JOHN DEMARTINI

Bestselling author of The Values Factor

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Part One:      Senior Romance: Pitfalls and Promises

Chapter 1      Myths versus Reality

Chapter 2      The Four Stages of Relationships

Chapter 3      Dating Can Be Daunting

Chapter 4      How to Survive Your Family

Chapter 5      Linking Your Values

Chapter 6      The Art of Selling

Chapter 7      Defining What You Want in a Partner

Part Two:      Four Pillars of Healthy Relationships

Chapter 8      Communication, the First Pillar

Chapter 9      Respect, the Second Pillar

Chapter 10    Trust, the Third Pillar

Chapter 11    Commitment, the Fourth Pillar

Chapter 12    Chemistry, the Mortar

Part Three:      Passion at Any Age

Chapter 13    Health and Vibrancy

Chapter 14    Spice Up Your Life

Chapter 15    Attitudes Are Changing

Chapter 16    Sex—Back to Basics

Chapter 17    Satisfying Sex at Any Age

Chapter 18    The Way Forward

Citations

Acknowledgements

About the Authors

Foreword

September 11, 2001 was a momentous day for me. Not only because of the attacks in New York City but also because I was in the air on my way to Perth, Western Australia, for the first time. A couple with the names of Adele Thomas and Ely Lazar were hosting me to present one of my signature seminar programs, The Breakthrough Experience.

Over the years, we have connected through my work, and I have found them to be a dynamic couple, very in touch with the changing nature of what it means to be a senior. They travel the globe chasing tornadoes and experiencing new adventures. After writing Travel Secrets for Seniors, they now have emerged with their second book, the one you hold in your hands. Presenting themselves to their readers as the Passionate Retirees, they inspire the over-fifty crowd with their message: that we baby boomers can relish life and remain relevant, whatever our age.

The information presented here is based on Adele and Ely’s many years of experience in the health and personal development fields. She is a medical doctor; he is a chiropractor. Happily married to each other for more than twenty-five years, they share their deep insights on making a relationship work. The book also provides a guide for rekindling the sexual passions at any age. Yes, the secret is out: seniors can be sexually active and many are enjoying a rewarding sex life. It is possible for you, too.

Relationship Secrets for Sexy Seniors is filled with real-life stories, some serious and others humorous. The authors’ advice is peppered with practical techniques to enhance one of the most important human needs we have as we age: fulfilling relationships.

Dr John Demartini

March 3rd 2015

Johannesburg, South Africa

Introduction

Welcome to Relationship Secrets for Sexy Seniors. We, your authors, are a senior married couple—together for thirty years. Many people have told us that we have something incredibly special. We feel fortunate, because having a relationship that works is a major blessing—and ours indeed does work. Every day we experience gratitude for each other, and share that with each other. A relationship like ours is not just a matter of luck. We have set in place the conditions and strategies that bind our love into something that is enriching and enduring. Many people love one another, but they cannot live together. We have written this book to share with others what we have found to be the secrets of relationship success. If we can create a fulfilling relationship, so can you.

One of the great mysteries for people today is what makes a relationship sustainable over the long term. Many books have been written on the subject, but still marital bliss eludes many. Over the years, in our professional capacities (Ely is a chiropractor, Adele a medical doctor), we have had the privilege of being privy to people’s personal lives. There were times when we were sad to see longstanding friends and patients break up with their spouses and go through the ensuing struggles. We, too, have each gone through divorce with its emotional impact not only on ourselves but on our children.

While basic medical and chiropractic training taught us how to competently look after people’s physical problems, it was apparent to us early on that people were very much emotional beings who needed assistance beyond just medication or spinal adjusting. Necessity is the mother of invention, and feeling a void in our ability to completely help our patients led us to seek new knowledge and to explore the human psyche. We studied various models of behavior including the work of Dr. John Demartini, who assisted us immensely in understanding relationships and how to make them succeed. We are both Certified Facilitators of the Demartini Method. We have also explored and used Transactional Analysis, Psychodrama, and other systems of personal development.

Over the past ten years, we have used the Demartini Method and other techniques in our new capacity as relationship counselors. Adele also advises people as a sex therapist. We enjoy helping others move forward with their lives and relationships, but notice that many people baulk at committing themselves to making a change in their lives, and even at seeking the counseling that could help them. Change is often associated with fear, and as people age they are less inclined to move out of their comfort zones.

In this book, we have combined aspects of Transactional Analysis and the Demartini Method with our own personal experience to create a way for people to work on themselves without the intimidation of having to interact with a counselor or a group. We have used stories, where applicable, relating the experience of others, while changing names and other details to maintain confidentiality.

We deliberately titled the book in a slightly provocative way by describing seniors as sexy. To many, both young and old, this may seem like an oxymoron. Who would think that seniors are sexy? But sexiness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. A woman may find a man super sexy while her friends are thinking, I don’t know what she sees in that guy. Sexiness is also how we appear to our own eyes. If we regard ourselves as over the hill and decrepit, that is the image we project to others. If we view our bodies with respect for how they have served us over the years, and appreciate the value of aging on the spirit, we can, indeed, be sexy throughout our golden years. Some of us are even sexier as we age than when we were young. The character building of life experience sharpens our attractiveness over the years, if we roll with the changes and grow from them.

But sex and sexiness alone will not sustain a relationship. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were, by all accounts, highly sexed and very passionate. However, their relationship was extremely tumultuous; they married and divorced each other twice. When a relationship is in great shape, sex is that special bonus that cements the relationship. When we find our partner sexy, we are much more likely to stay loyal as well. But without a fully developed relationship—where communication, trust, respect, and commitment are as strong as the attraction—even a passionate relationship will be doomed. So a successful relationship is about the whole package: spiritual, emotional, and physical.

The date was October 11, 1985. It was a typical rainy, spring day in Perth with intermittent periods of sunshine. We, Adele and Ely, were ready to meet for the first time. A few days earlier, we had been set-up by a psychologist who knew both of us. She had decided there would be value in us talking to one another, as we had both just finished with painful relationship breakups. Both of us had been previously married, and marriage was the furthest thing from our minds, but we agreed to contact each other.

On the initial phone call, Ely said to Adele, You do realize that I am a chiropractor? Adele replied, Yes, that does not worry me. I have been to chiropractors before and often refer patients to them. Immediately Ely thought, She couldn’t be too bad.

When he appeared that Saturday and rang the doorbell, he was greeted by a twelve-year-old girl who yelled out, Mum, there’s an Arab at the door! That was his first introduction to Adele. Her daughter was very fair-skinned, and Ely, being darkly tanned, must have appeared quite foreign to her.

We really did hit it off on that first date. Sitting in the lobby of the Sheraton Hotel in Perth, sipping drinks, we managed to discuss topics as far-ranging as cosmology, health, and relationships. There was chemistry evident on that first meeting, though we were determined to sustain a casual relationship as we did not want to rush into any long-term commitments.

We did not have a great deal in common with respect to our backgrounds. Our medical orientations were different, and our family backgrounds were quite different. A year after we met, we decided to cohabit, and we had to deal with blending two families, including five children. The two groups of children started to interact, and it was challenging because they came from very different cultural backgrounds. There was no right or wrong about it. There were merely differences that we had to devise strategies to respectfully resolve.

Besides the challenges of blending two families together, in 1989 we had a very intense year that could very well have destroyed our relationship. We married in January of that year. Both of us experienced major trauma within our families. The stress levels were huge. Somehow we survived it all and came out stronger. In the ensuing years, there have been challenges, but our marriage continues to grow, and today we can definitely say that we have a great relationship.

So what was it that makes it work? We feel there are two main factors: the intense love we have for one another and the skills we have developed in managing conflicts that inevitably arise from time to time. We appreciate our relationship every day and give thanks that we are part of each other’s life.

In this book, we will show how you also can have the relationship of your dreams, by first understanding certain principles, then implementing solid strategies. This book may challenge some preconceived ideas, and that is a good thing, because we can only learn and grow by considering new perspectives. So go ahead, dive in, and begin to explore our relationship secrets for sexy seniors.

Part One

HERMANN HESSE

reality

Senior Romance: Pitfalls and Promises

Chapter 1

Myths versus Reality

Relationships manifest in many different ways across the world, and throughout the ages. The relationship we think of as traditional between a man and woman (monogamy) pre-dated modern religions in agricultural societies in both Europe and Asia eight-to-twelve-thousand years ago.¹ In other tribal societies, such as on the African continent, polygyny (males with multiple wives) was commonly practiced.

These matters are not static. What was once socially unacceptable, even within societies, has now become acceptable. De facto relationships between homosexuals and lesbians have been accepted in most Western countries for the past few decades, and same-sex marriage is becoming more acceptable as various jurisdictions pass laws legalizing this union.

Surveys done in Canada, the USA, and Australia indicate that only one-to-two percent of adults consider themselves to be either homosexual or lesbian. The percentage does increase somewhat when bisexuality is included.² There may be a bias in these figures because some people surveyed may not want to honestly reveal their sexual orientation. Nevertheless, it would seem that the majority of couples are in heterosexual relationships, whether married or de facto.

The good news is that for people under the age of fifty, divorce rates have stabilized over the past ten years.³ The over-fifty demographic, however, has seen a dramatic change. Fifty years ago, only 2.8% of people over the age of fifty were divorced. Over the last twenty years, the rate has dramatically increased—doubling in fact—to its current level of 28% of the senior U.S. population.

Figures for 2012 indicate that older Australians—those over fifty—are divorcing at an increasing rate. For women aged fifty to sixty-five, the rate has doubled since 1992.⁴ Rates are similar in other Western countries. If you add to the number of divorcees the people in this age group who are separated and widowed, it’s pretty clear