God's Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You!: Rebounding from Marital Infidelity in the 21st Century

By Charles E. Creech

Is there hope for the restoration of your marriage after infidelity? Do you know "What went wrong?" How will you "Work through your problems?" Can you do anything to make it better? Should you confess your infidelity to your spouse or not? How do you "Affair Proof" your marriage? How do I determine if I or my spouse is vulnerable for an affair to occur? With so many couples, family members and congregations experiencing the devastating damage caused by broken relationships; can anything be done to fix what has been broken, stolen or lost? THE GOOD NEWS IS: YES! Discover what you can do to restore your marriage relationship! "Charles & LaVern Creech have provided in God's Holey Men Need Mending; And So Do You! a book, a service guide, a handbook to help or repair broken trust and ultimately to prevent marital infidelity. This is a one of the rare books in which every person will discover something of the unique dynamics of his/her life". Dr. Alfred R. Jones (Marriage & Family Life Professional)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781642998559

Book preview

Introduction

Thou shalt not commit adultery—found in Exodus 20:14 is the seventh commandment of the ten God gave to humanity. Could there be some significance in God making this particular commandment, the seventh commandment? The number seven connotes completeness in the Bible. The number seven symbolizes God’s perfection, His sovereignty and holiness. God created the earth in seven days, giving us one day in the seven-day weekly cycle, as a reminder of His creative power. He created the Sabbath and made it holy.

As you read this book, we want you to remember the significance of the seventh commandment, the basis for this book. Like the fourth commandment, the seventh commandment has been neglected and disregarded just as much. Some countries execute adulterers.¹

Have you ever thought what would happen in the United States if we had that law? Was there ever a time when you heard about your pastor getting a divorce, but did not know why? Do you recall the trauma, the gossip, and the disappointment you and the members felt? If you do, you will agree it was not a pleasant experience.

Different priorities, addiction, rearing children, religion, cultural differences, boredom, sexual incompatibility, finances, physical, psycho/emotional abuse, lack of communication, and adultery are seen by some counselors as the big ten reasons.

In addition to adultery being the top reason for divorce, this statistic included a large amount of clergy families. This book’s purpose is to address the issue of clergy infidelity.

Anecdotal evidence suggests strongly that even with the high number of clergy divorces, the numbers could be even higher because many pastoral wives hesitate to take steps to stop adulterous behavior by their clergy husbands. They often feel that revealing these activities would destroy his status as a minister and ultimately affect their own lifestyles as well. There will be an entire chapter devoted to the spouse’s traumatic experience in protecting the minister who is causing her/him and the family so much pain.

The title we have chosen, God’s Holey Men Need Mending is a way of symbolically conveying the idea that ministers who are normally dressed in pastoral robes, are to look the part: Holy. Upon looking at the ministers’ robes, one can see that from a distance, all looks well, but upon closer scrutiny, some of the robes are moth-eaten, a little soiled, and threadbare. Sadly, what our title suggests is truer than you may think!

We will start with statistics so we can see where the problem is and how prevalent. We shall explore what God had in mind for the marriage relationship. Some attention will be given to how the offending partner can successfully deal with their guilt, rebuild, trust, restore communication, reignite intimacy, strengthen the bonds of love, and reconnect emotional attachment with their spouse. This book would not be complete without a primer that holy men and women can use to help them avoid marital infidelity successfully.

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¹ Federal Research Division,2004, Saudi Arabia, A Country Study, p. 304.

Chapter 1

In the Beginning

Many of the problems related to marital infidelity begin with the couples, way before they get married. This chapter addresses where potential problems show up but may either be missed, ignored, or presumed to be fixable. David and Martha (pseudonyms) married early and were very much in love. They looked forward to a great future together. They were very much in love, but maybe not prepared for marriage.

We wish we could tell their entire story, but we are sure that there are many couples that can identify with much of the counsel in the twenty-seven chapters of God’s Holey Men Need Mending. It deals in depth with many of the problems experienced and worked on by David and Martha as they worked through their problems created by infidelity.

We trust that the information presented in this chapter will be helpful in discovering why adultery occurs and how there is a better chance for it to be prevented when couples are dating if they receive adequate premarital counseling.

When you are considering marriage and believe that you have met your knight in shining armor, take a moment to think about the step you are about to take toward the life of matrimony! The questions you need to address should be many pages long. You are about to make the decision of a lifetime! In your mind you have done all you needed to do in your decision-making to marry this person, but have you consulted the most important Person? Have you prayed about your decision with the other person and received some kind of message that this is the person God would have you to spend the rest of your life with? Yes, she is beautiful. Yes, he is handsome, but is that all there is? Whether you are a Christian or not, when you take that walk down the aisle, your spirit should be at peace that you are making the right decision. Spiritual writer, E. G. White said that if you have any doubt even walking down the aisle, you should not go through with the marriage.

If you are dating someone seriously and have been in a relationship with this person for a while, how do you feel when you think about marrying that person? Giving your heart and life to someone forever, till death do you part, are you truly ready for this commitment? This is a great decision and should be given time and counsel! Committing your heart to someone is a huge decision. If you don’t make the right decision, you could suffer years of stress misery and heartbreak! However, if you marry wisely, you could enjoy a lifetime together of love, intimacy, passion, trust, devotion, respect—all that is needed to develop a successful marriage, and it can be accomplished.

The worst thing you can do is rush into a marriage that you may have reservations about! Rushing into a marriage that you think that you will just die if you cannot be with this person, that it’s the time you should really step back and give more thought to the step you are about to take. If both of you have the same ideas about the decision you are about to make is the right one, then take your time. What’s the rush? If this is meant to be, it will happen! I would say here, give yourself a couple of years before making the decision to marry someone on feelings alone! Everyone will put on their best behavior to get what they want, so don’t allow yourself to be pressured into a marriage that could be the misery of your life!

Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.

Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.

But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.

For who hath known the mind of the LORD, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:12–16, KJV)

When God created you, He wanted the best for you. He gave you the mind of Christ so you could look at life from His perspective. Jesus can work through your heart and mind to direct you toward a good relationship and keep you from a bad one. However, you can only know His will for you if you are willing to listen and yield to Him.

To Jesus, infatuation is the wrong basis for a marriage. He wants you to give your heart to someone on the basis of character and eros. We realize that everyone reading this book may not be Christians, but let me just give you my perspective. Are you marrying the right person, is a question that is the most important aspect of your relationship! Can two walk together, accept they be agreed (Amos 3:3). Unconditional love comes from the heart! If you are a Christian, you have to be able to know and see the person you are considering to take as your life mate and has to be on the same page as you are! We all can put on good behavior to get what we want, so make sure your choice of a life partner is not putting on an act just to get what they want! This is not easy but very important in your decision-making effort to come to the right decision!

I realize it is not easy to find your soul mate, but it can happen! However, you have to do your homework and prepare yourself to know when that soul mate comes along! It could and will be a struggle to find this kind of person, however, if you believe you can enjoy true intimacy with a person who does not think or believe in the same principles as you, you may have a problem ahead!

Tina Turner released a pop song, What’s Love Got to Do with It? You can love a person all you want, but when it comes to principles and you are not in agreement, there will be a problem!

If you know in your heart that you can and will be a good husband/wife to the person you have fallen in love with, it is all well and good, but do you truly know that your choice has the same thoughts as you? To be a good husband or wife should not be a struggle! It should and could be your pleasure because it is what you have always wanted and believe in and maybe even had it modeled in your home growing up! You may look for that person who models your mom or dad unconsciously!

God created marriage! He is the one who put male and female together and said we should leave our parents and cleave to one another and become one!

This is why He gave us intimacy and trust and love so we could become the one He meant for us to be! You should not feel alone when you are in the home or room with the one you love! If so, you are not one!

You risk this type of division when you consider dating or marrying a non-Christian. If you join yourself to an unbeliever, you may be rendered incapable of sharing real intimacy. Are you free to date a non-Christian? Yes, but the Bible states it is not profitable (1 Corinthians 10:23). God views believers and unbelievers as opposites who have no potential for a deep union (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39).

There should always be flags that show up during the dating process! Dating and spending time with one another is very important before you take the giant step! Okay, so you date for two years, so what! You love this person and plan to spend the rest of your life with him/her, so what’s the rush? Just make sure that the two of you are on the same page in as many areas as possible and test all waters that come up in the relationship and see how you fare in coming together on the outcome!

Let me say here that there have been many marriages between couples who were not Christians, and they have been successful! However, there have also been marriages between Christian couples that did not work out as well! But the point I want to make here is the couples who marry, and one is a believer and one is not are and can be the most difficult marriages to keep together! The biggest problems will come up after the family begins to grow, and the children see daddy and mommy are not united in what they want for their children! Daddy doesn’t want to go to church, but Mommy does! Children want to stay with Daddy because they want to watch TV and cartoons on church day instead of going to church with Mommy! And the differences can go on and on and on!

Following are three areas to pay particular attention to:

A Christian cannot overpower a non-Christian’s free will and force him or her to accept Christ.

An unbeliever might pretend a change to gain acceptance. Their spiritual maturity may take a while!

A non-Christian cannot meet your need for love, intimacy, trust, or security because their mind-set is not the same as yours!

I have heard that men seem to categorize females as marriage worthy or not! This would be an excellent measurement if she or he is a spiritual person or not! If you marry someone who is not spiritual, you are asking for trouble from the beginning!

When you don’t really know the individual you are involved with, solving simple problems in your relationship could turn out to be insurmountable! Believe it or not, if you are unequally connected, it will be easy to commit adultery in the relationship because you feel helpless and don’t know how to connect with your spouse, and that situation makes it easy to go somewhere else to find what you are looking for in your relationship!

However, when you are in a genuine Christ-centered relationship, and his love is in the both of you, you will look at your problems in a different way! With Christ in the relationship, you have so many other options to use in settling your problems and working together for a solution that benefit the both of you! You will look at a situation in a way that will cause your humility to shine through and not just think about yourself but what is good for the both of you! You learn that being in the right relationship, there is give and take.

As a couple, you both have to give in to the other person in the relationship! But in all this, you are depending on Christ’s methods in your relationship! You have to learn the importance of dealing with relationships as He would have you deal with them! All this should show you ways of how you will handle situations that come up and how you will work out your problems. Angry outbursts and bullying is not the answer; you have to be on one accord. If you cannot see solving problems will be easy for the two of you as you are dating, they are not going to get any better after you are married!

If you are not having problems while you are dating and don’t experience any conflict, one or both of you are afraid to say something, and the other is passive and neither one is being genuine. With attitudes like this, you are not and cannot develop an intimate marriage, and you probably should continue dating to see if these behaviors will or can change! Be authentic with each other. Let honesty reign supreme in your relationships to build an environment in which you have the freedom to disagree and work out problems honestly. Try to determine before you take the big step of wedlock that you have developed the mind-set to handle and resolve conflict in a loving way.

Baggage

One cannot forget baggage that we all have, regardless of how we were brought up! Identifying your baggage is important. Baggage is normally something you acquire through different things that may have happened in your family relationship—divorce, adultery, debt, addictions, child abuse, etc. Everyone has some type of baggage. You may not know what baggage you have until you get into a relationship where you have to deal with another person on a daily basis that brings out character traits that you were not aware of before you walked down the aisle. If baggage issues surface before the marriage, please don’t think or take it lightly that it will go away because baggage can affect your relationship. It may be difficult, but is has and must be discussed, even in some cases, involving others in your respective families to talk to for help or information! Will you ever be free of all baggage? Maybe not, but it is important to be aware and address the baggage problem, either together or through counseling!

Once you get to know the family of your expectant husband or wife and develop a relationship, talk to them, make them an intricate part of your relationship, and study them! See how they interact with one another, loving or hostile relationship!

Hopefully you can get a good idea of what kind of family you will be marrying into! How do they talk to one another? Do their interactions seem genuine? Do they show respect for one another? Do they show affection? Do they listen? Can you see that they have genuine love for one another? This is very important in developing intimacy in your relationship. Not only are you developing a relationship with the family, but it is strengthening your relationship with your wife- or husband-to-be! The opinion of the family members will mean something to you because they had been a part of your relationship.

No matter what you do, do not omit premarital counseling! It is and will be helpful when you are interested in marrying someone. If you have a pastor or priest you can go to, do it! You are not going to avoid problems even if you do what I am suggesting, but it will not hurt! I believe premarital counseling helps a lot! Are you going to make sure by taking those steps that will make enable you to make a successful marriage? You cannot determine what problems will surface in your relationship, but you will be a head of them and have an idea how to handle them. It is impossible to uncover by yourself every potential problem area of your relationship. Even wise friends and family can overlook negative warning signs. Find a Christian counselor to discuss the details of your relationship before you get engaged.

The decision to marry someone is so very important! It is a lifetime relationship! You will promise to be with this person in sickness and in health, till death do you part. Please get outside counsel. Good counseling can help save you from getting into a marriage that is not the right match for you, and will probably never be!

This may sound like a lot. But are you marrying this person just to be your first marriage, or are you marrying this person for life? That is the big question you have to deal with before anything else. When you consider marriage with someone, ask yourself, does this person bring out the best in me?

The Bible says that what God has joined together let no man put asunder (Mark 10:9). So this seems to me that when we make that commitment before God and family, He means for us to keep it forever or until one of us dies! God’s purpose for dating and marriage is that two people create the right kind of love for one another. Male and female develop erotic love. For this to happen, you want to find someone who is passionate about investing in a life together with you!

If you are not in a healthy relationship, you need to know that before the I dos. People help each other to flourish, but only if they are in a right relationship. This type of supportive atmosphere develops and builds intimacy in a relationship. And let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24).

Many may concentrate on the I love you portion of the relationship, but it is even more important to ask your boyfriend and girlfriend about their dreams and goals. What does he or she want for their lives! Marrying someone who is committed to helping you to become the person you want to be is a great support and encouragement to them and can do a lot to strengthen your relationship.

Marriage, as I stated before, is a lifelong commitment. Therefore, choose wisely! Looks are not the highest priority in choosing a life mate! Looks fade, and in some cases, it can be taken by accidents, suffering disfiguration from burns, etc. If you can take these setbacks in your marriage and not want to leave because your spouse is not the person you married, then you need to do more thinking about this relationship! When you are dating, you always have the option to leave if someone acts a certain way, or they meet with an unpredictable problem that changes who they are in appearance. Will you be able to deal with it!

But I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man. And the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman, but all things of God (1 Corinthians 11:8–12).