The Tie That Binds

By Thomas C Lacy

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• Language: English
• Publisher: New Hope Counseling Service
• Release date: Dec 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9780965982238

Book preview

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The Tie That Binds

Marriage

How To Make It Last Forever

For Those Who Are Dating

For Those Planning Marriage

For Those Who Are Married

Thomas C. Lacy

Counselor

New Hope Counseling Service

Rockville, Virginia

U.S.A.

The Tie That Binds

Copyright ©1997, 2021 By Thomas C. & Patricia M. Lacy

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews, articles or using portions of the included wedding ceremonies.

Details in true life illustrations have been changed to protect the identity of individuals, but the facts in these illustrations are true.

Published and Distributed by:

New Hope Counseling Service

12114 Walnut Hill Drive

Rockville, VA 23146-1854

Contact: 804-749-4050

[e-mail]

http://www.newhopecounselingbylacy.org

ISBN: 978-0-9659822-0-7 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-0-9659822-3-8 (digital)

Cover Art by Darlene Swanson • van-garde.com

Cartoon Art by Ken Hudler

Dedicated to:

My wife, Pat, who completes and encourages me.

A Promise

I sense thee so close to me

When the dawn is early breaking.

As in the days when we knew our ways

God would soon of us One Flesh be making.

I see thee so close to me

In the toil each day is bringing,

As during these days we commit our ways

With God for this pathway we’re taking.

I’ll serve thee so long as I be,

As the dusk of our life is approaching;

In all of my days, and in all ways,

This Promise to you, before God, I am making.

Thomas Carlyle Lacy

January 7, 1984

Acknowledgments

I

t is almost impossible to

thank all the people who have contributed to this book. The lives of the people that precipitated the challenges are the primary people to whom I am grateful. They have allowed me to practice my ministry upon them.

My apologies to Franklin M. Segler from whose book, The Broadman MINISTER’S MANUAL, I have heavily depended on to deliver the traditional Wedding Ceremony in tack.

Ultimately, however, it was Dr. George Worrell, (Former) Vice-President of External Affairs, Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, Wake Forest, North Carolina, who suggested I put the ceremony section in writing as a guide for other ministers.

The Rev. Dr. Dennis W. Knight, Mrs. William H (Debbie) Roy, Paul T. Brock, (Former) Director of Public Relations and Communication, Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and his wife Tena, all contributed to the editing and expanding of my first attempt to write this book in 1991, which is the core material in this rendition.

During the summer of 1996, our good friends, Ken and Bonnie Hudler, spent many laborious hours doing the final edit, correcting my dangling participles and split infinities, and helping me look good on paper.

Ken Hudler, a commissioned artist who studied under Norman Rockwell, produced the artwork for the cartoon illustrations.

How do you sufficiently say, Thank you, for such labors of love?

I thank God for these friends who have contributed so much of this book, and for His guidance as I have prayerfully worked through each opportunity to preserve the marriage ceremony with dignity and integrity.

Table of Contents

Introduction to the Reader

Part One:

Chapter One Love May Be Blind, But…

Chapter Two Why Do Marriages Fail?

Chapter Three MARRIAGE: Whose Plan Is It?

Chapter Four Wives Be Subject…

Chapter Five Husbands Love Your Wives…

Chapter Six Setting the Standards

Chapter Seven What to Look For If You’re Looking or Have Predetermined Prerequisites for Marriage

Part Two: Modern Adaptations of Traditional Wedding Ceremonies

Chapter One Minister Giving the Bride to be Married

Chapter Two The Traditional Wedding Ceremony

Chapter Three Children Born Out of Wedlock

About the Author

Suggested Reading

Introduction to the Reader

T

his book was developed over

many years of doing premarital and marriage crisis counseling. In outline form, it has been used to help engaged couples planning a marriage to get a better idea of the real picture of becoming husband and wife, and as a guide for married couples to learn what they should have learned before getting married.

As a ministry, with a few exceptions, we will not perform a marriage ceremony unless the couple has completed at least eight to ten hours of guided study. There are other ministers who also see the value of preparing for marriage through counseling, but do not, however, have the time to spend with each couple to complete such a course. Thus, we have been asked many times to provide the instruction for other ministers.

It is out of this phase of our ministry that we have seen the need to produce this book. This book can be a guide for those who perform marriage ceremonies, or for those dating, engaged, or married who want to study through it on their own. You are free to use any or all of this material as a tool in your ministry, or as a guide for planning your own wedding ceremony, or, if need be, restoring balance to your marriage relationship.

Listed in the Suggested Readings are books that are helpful in learning more detail regarding role models and other topics discussed in this volume. Homework and discussion assignments are necessary for absorbing this material effectively. An engaged couple cannot learn all they need to know during premarital counseling sessions. Additional study time is a must.

We pray God will bless your efforts as you seek to fulfill Genesis 2:24 in becoming ONE FLESH with your spouse.

Therefore shall a man leave his father

and his mother, and shall cleave

unto his wife; and they shall

be ONE FLESH.

Genesis 2:24

Part One:

A Study Guide for

Marriage Preparation

and Marriage Building

Chapter One

Love May Be Blind, But…

A

radio preacher once remarked,

Love may be blind, but very often it begins to see – after marriage.

Truer words were never spoken, quipped another bright sage.

A father said it to his son this way: The girl you date is not the girl you marry!

One could never invest too much time or effort in (quoting the title of an old, old love song) Getting To Know You, to take the shock out of getting married.

What do you mean, shock? You might be saying, But we really love each other, and we are excited about getting married. This may be very true, but rather than debate the issue, let us look at issues that are already known to produce some of the most difficult communication breakdowns in marriages, and six primary areas from which just about all marriage crises stem.

First, premarital counseling (whether you do it yourselves with this book or with a pastor or counselor) is designed to introduce biblical role models. Among the serious problems in a marriage, there is often found the problem of husband/wife role failure, usually taking the form of role reversal. Figuratively speaking, the wife wearing the pants in the family. Before we get lost in the modern trends, let me state that proper role positions do not set the stage for a dictator/doormat relationship between husband and wife. Such a relationship is not biblical, and if you have not had a biblical role model demonstrated to you in your formative years, you may not know exactly what your role responsibilities should be. Therefore, you cannot bring into the marriage the correct role model. You must study it to learn it in order to perform it ultimately.

Second, premarital counseling is designed to prevent major problems from developing in a marriage relationship. If you grew up in the radio era, you might recall an advertising slogan that has certainly become a good philosophy for life in general: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Let me illustrate further by asking you to picture in your mind a painted scene showing ice skaters gracefully gliding around on a frozen lake on a very cold winter evening. Usually, along with the skaters, will be pictured those watching, and likely a fire for both light and warmth, and very often a sign out in the middle warning the skaters of: Thin Ice.

How many people, do you suppose, skate close to the sign to see if the warning is really true?

Some believe that looking first at where marriages fail is very negative, but perhaps it can be the best place to start in order to avoid the thin ice that could lead to another failed marriage.

Third, anyone dealing with marriage crises sees where the breakdowns occur, thereby being in a better position to sound out warnings to those who want to prepare for the best marriage relationship possible.

Not only do ministers and counselors see crises in marriage all the time, so do families, friends, and neighbors. The statistics show that life is not a bowl of cherries, and they do not all live happily ever after. This is not forecasting doom, but sending out a warning to prepare lest you subject yourselves to the same pitfalls. Prevention is always better than treatment.

Some Ground Rules

It is funny how two people see the same thing differently – funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha.

Because people do see things differently (not necessarily rightly or wrongly, but truly different: i.e. There is more than one way to make a bed or peel a potato.) Perhaps some Ground Rules for study and discussion are in order. In husband/wife communication breakdown, the biggest complaint is that neither understands exactly what the other is saying. With Ground Rules, we eliminate this if we can agree on the Ground Rules.

If we cannot agree, we will not be disagreeable.

Granted, this is sometimes easier said than done, but remember the old adage: practice makes perfect. We should expect a man and a woman to bring different perspectives into a marriage relationship. One of the most obvious and exciting facts about the male and female is that they are different. To be different is not necessarily to be wrong. His perspective combined with her perspective can ultimately become their perspective. In Genesis 2:24, we are told God expects the man and the woman (in marriage) to become One Flesh.

Some have said that in order for marriages to be successful couples must continually negotiate a series of compromises. Let’s look at that before adopting it.

In a compromise, each one usually must give up something. In most compromises the dominant personality usually always wins out over the passive personality. But does that always prove that the passive perspective is not as good as the aggressive perspective? Certainly not.

An interesting observation at this point: They (whoever they are) say opposites attract, and yet one of the