This is another fantastic episode that neurodiverse couples may want to listen to together!   Stephanie and Dan Holmes have known each other since they were 10 and have been married almost 30 years. After their daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's in the mid-2000’s, Stephanie read about adults on the spectrum and realized that her husband was autistic too (he already suspected he was). Prior to learning about their neurodiversity, Stephanie thought a lot of their miscommunication and struggles occurred because Dan is very intelligent. However, once they learned he was autistic, so many challenging things started to make more sense.  Through the years, Stephanie and Dan have learned that they don't have to stay in gender roles to have a healthy relationship and instead have focused on using their individual strengths and complimentary skills to help their family thrive.  Dan says he is more like a crockpot and Stephanie is more like a microwave and because they understand each other's differences, they are able to give each other grace and kindness as they navigate life together.  During our conversation, Stephanie described a neurodiverse relationship like a game of "Chutes and Ladders", rather then chess or checkers and that made so much sense!  Although there may be lots of unexpected ups and downs, when you both understand they will occur, the end result can be very positive.  Stephanie is a therapist and Dan is a life coach and together they work with neurodiverse couples that can benefit from both of their perspectives.  To add credibility to his work with neurodiverse couples, Dan got an official diagnosis and sees that as tool to help other autistic partners who want to improve their love relationships. Stephanie talked about the importance of trust in a neurodiverse relationship and how trust can be broken when partners don't understand each other.  In her work as a therapist she has learned that the process of rebuilding trust has to involve learning new skills to avoid creating more trauma.  Repetitive positive behavior is critical, otherwise the past is not the past, it is still the present!  Dan talks about how important it is to see the the action behind the desire. He no longer believes people when they use the words “I want to” unless he see’s the action follow the words.  
Dan and Stephanie founded the International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages, LLC to bring hope, help and possible healing to neurodiverse Christian marriages and they use the a three phase process to help 1) Educate, 2) Equip and 3) Provide Effective Strategies to neurodiverse couples who are looking for support and resources on their neurodiverse journey. To learn more about Stephanie and Dan you can check out their website at: christianneurodiversemarriage.com or listen to their podcast: Neurodiverse Christian Couples.
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