The Colours of Love Relationship Manual

By Selone Ajewole and Gbenga Ajewole

The Colours of Love - Relationship Manual is a book that explores the various stages of romantic relationships, providing an insightful, inspiring and empowering journey through the concept of romantic love, and delves into the vital ingredients required for a successful, healthy and lasting relationship. The book explores the stages of friendship,

• Language: English
• Publisher: 29 Eleven Publishing
• Release date: Dec 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9780992996017

Selone Ajewole

Selone Ajewole is an experienced psychotherapist with a Certificate in Counselling, a BSc in Psychology and an MSc in Therapeutic Counselling. As a UK counselling professional, she is member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) and fully adheres to their strict code of ethics. Selone is also a pastor of a spirit-filled yet vibrant and relatable church and charity called The Rock Church in the heart of London's East End. Selone has also co-authored the book The Colours of Love Relationship Manual, which sold extremely well on an international scale. Despite all of these achievements, of most importance are the relationships she has cultivated with God, her husband and her precious children. Ultimately, fulfilling her life's purpose as a beacon of hope and light to others is what continues to push her forward, despite the odds.

Book preview

THE COLOURS OF LOVE DEFINED

We have created a concept using three colours (Red, Yellow & Green) to define and explore the three main stages of every romantic relationship; this is what we refer to as ‘The Colours of Love’. Below is an outline of the stage each colour represents:

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Red Stage

Red is a bold, loud colour that makes a statement. The Red stage is the point at which individuals should STOP and think before entering into a relationship. It’s the stage upon which individuals should seek to establish nothing more than the basis of a solid friendship.

Yellow Stage

Yellow is a warm colour that is used to represent the courtship stage of a relationship where two people are moving forward together at an appropriate pace towards marriage. It consists of getting to know each other more deeply after the friendship forged in the Red (friendship) stage and learning to proactively manage certain aspects of a relationship that can stop a couple progressing onto the Green (marriage) stage if left unchecked.

Green Stage

Green symbolises a state of peace and contentment most of the time. Despite the pressures of life, marriage should be a peaceful place, where the person who you have chosen to spend your life with is simply ‘enough’. It is therefore the final stage where all couples should strive together to not only achieve, but also more importantly maintain since approximately forty percent of UK marriages in recent years have ended in divorce.

These colours represent the different stages of any romantic relationship and will be explored in more detail throughout the book. We understand that our readers might be at different stages of a relationship or not currently in a relationship at all. Either way, exploring these stages thoroughly will allow you to make changes for the better now or healthier choices in the future. So come with us on this journey, let us take you through, ‘The Colours of Love’.

Stage 1

RED (FRIENDSHIP)

When you think of the colour red in reference to relationships, what symbolism do you draw? Intense passion, powerful emotion or a compelling desire to love beyond measure? All of this may indeed be true but since it’s open to subjective interpretation, we have chosen to look at this colour in a slightly different way. To us, just like the red light in a traffic light system, red screams ‘WAIT, CAUTION and STOP!" The red stage is therefore the point at which we believe there are benefits to stopping and thinking BEFORE embarking on a new relationship.

Things to consider within this stage are:

What is love to me?

Why choose love?

The importance of building a solid friendship first.

Pre-Relationship red flags.

When is it time to move forward?

During the next few chapters, lets unravel the thoughts of a good Red stage thinker!

Chapter One

LOVE IS…

From the psychological research we have undertaken about love, we have discovered a deep and compelling insight into this complex phenomenon. Romantic love is a human emotion that may be experienced by most individuals at some stage in their lives. Although romantic love is a familiar concept to most, Psychologists Beall and Sternberg (1995) highlight that social scientific literature seems to have difficulty in defining it appropriately. A vast amount of definitions have been posed, yet although fruitful, such approaches fail to capture the essence of the actual experiences of love. For this reason, Psychologists Sternberg and Grajek (1984) maintain, that even though love is an intense human emotion, no one quite knows exactly what it is.

OK, so you are not going to give me a Psychological thesis on love are you? we hear you wondering but don’t tempt us, as our love for these theories run deep! Indulge us for a little while longer however, as these psychological aspects of love will help you to explore what love truly is to you.

So, back to the psycho-pop stuff we were talking about before, in order to help bring some clarity to what love really is, Sternberg (1986) proposed that love in the context of interpersonal relationships, could be conceptualised as consisting of three main components. He devised the Triangular Theory of Love, which he claims include an intimacy, passion and decision/commitment component. Sternberg highlights that intimacy encompasses feelings of closeness, attachment and the notion of being bonded with another person. Passion in contrast is the motivational component of love. It refers to drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. Commitment is the cognitive controller (your brain) in a loving relationship. In the short term this involves a decision to accept such a relationship; the long-term aspect involves the commitment to maintain the relationship. According to Sternberg, the amount of love experienced, is therefore dependent upon the intensity of these three components, and also on the strength of each relative to the other. The strength of each component is subject to change over time as a romantic relationship matures. It is unlikely that a relationship based on one component, rather than all three will survive indefinitely. Are you with us so far? These three components can be combined to produce eight types of love.

Eight Types of Love

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Non-Love: You know the casual interaction that we have with others throughout everyday life? Well, that is what we call non-love. It is an absence of all three components of love.

Liking/Friendship: Ever had feelings of closeness and warmth but not feelings of passion or long-term commitment? This can be described as liking or friendship.

Infatuation: He’s so perfect, he could do no wrong in my eyes! Are you sure? When infatuation arises it normally means that intimacy and commitment are lacking but passionate arousal is at the forefront. Romantic relationships often begin in this way and unless intimacy and commitment develop over time, this type of love tends to evaporate.

Empty Love: This is when it feels like there is not much left. It can be described as complete commitment with the absence of intimacy or passion. It can arise due to the deterioration of a solid love relationship, can blossom into another type of love and be built upon in situations such as arranged marriages. This suggests that empty love is not necessarily the terminal state of a long-term relationship, but it can actually be the beginning of one. Hope is therefore on the horizon!

Romantic Love: You know the type of lovers that tend to be physically and emotionally attracted to one another where they have an intimate and passionate type of bond but lack commitment? Well, this is the type of love we are describing here. Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd who were married for a mere nine months should definitely spring to mind. Sorry Jenny!

Companionate Love: To experience this type of love usually suggests that although passion is lacking, intimacy and long-term commitment are the overriding aspects. This can often occur in long-term marriages where passion has run out of town but deep affection and commitment have settled in for good. This type of love can also be present within family members and very close and platonic friends.

Fatuous Love: Have you ever heard of couples that just begin dating and before you know it, they are married? Well, this is what we call fatuous love: where the commitment to one another is based upon the passion shared without the presence of, and time taken to grow intimate involvement.

Consummate Love: Now this is the type of love that most people strive for, it is what people usually describe when they talk about two people as being ‘the perfect couple’. Features of consummate love include: long-term, passionate, exciting and fulfilling sex lives, being content with only their other half, easily managing the minimal disputes that do occur, and simply revelling in maintaining the relationship with each other. As great as this sounds, Sternberg highlights that maintaining this type of love could be harder than actually obtaining it in the first place. He believes that even the greatest love has the potential to die. For instance, if the passion deteriorates over time, it can change into companionate love therefore although idolised by many, this type of love may not be permanent.

In our life time and with different friends or partners, it is likely that one may experience some if not all of these types of love, even at different stages during one relationship. For many, the goal is to achieve consummate love, but what about you? Despite the attempts to highlight eight different definitions of love, your thoughts and feelings about it may not fit into any of these. What is love to you? To help you bring out your subjective thoughts on this complex phenomenon, we have a short exercise to allow you to explore ideas you may not have even realised you have.

This exercise will help you to begin exploring your thoughts not only about what love is, but also what it isn’t. Read the following statements about love and put them into order in terms of how much you agree or disagree with them. The ranking values are +3 (Strongly Agree) to -3 (Strongly Disagree). There are seven statements and only one can be assigned to each ranking value.

For example:

You simply add the number of the statement you agree or disagree with in the box above the ranking value, e.g. one may believe statement number five least describes their ideology of love and as such you may put this above -3 (Strongly Disagree). You need to fill in all the boxes based in order of what love is to you. Please see the following example:

Romantic Love Is (Exercise example)

Statements:

Romantic Love Is….

Expressed ultimately by the commitment of marriage

Easiest to offer when personal needs are already cared for

An extension of platonic friendship

Requiring as little from your mate as possible

Mainly to do with physical attraction

Completely accepting your partner for the person that they are

The sharing of everyday problems

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Romantic Love Is (Exercise)

Statements:

Romantic Love Is….

Expressed ultimately by the commitment of marriage

Easiest to offer when personal needs are already cared for

An extension of platonic friendship

Requiring as little from your mate as possible

Mainly to do with physical attraction

Completely accepting your partner for the person that they are

The sharing of everyday problems

Table3

However you see love, and whether you are in the Red, Yellow or Green stage, here are a few good ideas about what true love should encompass:

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always me first,

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7 MSG)

If you want to make love last, make a conscious effort to love like this.

Chapter Two

WHY CHOOSE LOVE?

Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper who is just right for him (Genesis 2:18 NIV)

From the Christian perspective, God is the original designer of relationships and has highlighted that the purpose of a relationship is for us as individuals not to be by ourselves but rather to have a helpful partner who has been designed for us. It seems here that God advocates completely for relationships, and as He stated that He is making a helper rather than a hinderer who is just right for him, I doubt He intended this to mean drama filled, on and off, emotionally abusive, self-worth demolishing, it’s all about me, type of relationships! Whether you subscribe to the Christian faith or not, this is still a very good way of looking at love and relationships.

Before embarking on a romantic relationship, we believe it is important to only choose and create relationships that are purposeful. In order to achieve this, you first need to know the purpose romantic relationships serve.

The purpose of a relationship is: