A Complete Guide for Single Moms: Everything You Need to Know about Raising Healthy, Happy Children on Your Own

By Janis Adams

For every mother recently finding herself single, or new moms learning how to raise their first child by themselves, there are countless things any mother will need to know. A Complete Guide for Single Moms: Everything You Need to Know About Raising Healthy, Happy Children on Your Own is for every mother who is learning how to raise children on her own. Regardless of how you came to be a single mom whether it was through divorce, the end of a relationship, surrogacy, adoption, unplanned pregnancy, or by the death of a spouse this book will walk you through the information you need to help you and your child adjust to a new lifestyle. You will learn the basics of early childcare, including what a child needs in its first year. You will learn what to expect as your child grows. This book teaches you how to take care of yourself, which includes knowing how to find rest and work your way back into dating. You will learn how to prepare yourself for the sacrifices you will be forced to make and how to handle financial matters while raising a child alone. We’ve conducted multiple interviews with successful single mothers, as well as with experts in child care, to provide a comprehensive outlook on everything you can expect as a single parent on your own from the first few weeks of stress to the later years of toilet training, proper diet, allergies, health care, and learning to talk.

Atlantic Publishing is a small, independent publishing company based in Ocala, Florida. Founded over twenty years ago in the company president’s garage, Atlantic Publishing has grown to become a renowned resource for non-fiction books. Today, over 450 titles are in print covering subjects such as small business, healthy living, management, finance, careers, and real estate. Atlantic Publishing prides itself on producing award winning, high-quality manuals that give readers up-to-date, pertinent information, real-world examples, and case studies with expert advice. Every book has resources, contact information, and web sites of the products or companies discussed.

This Atlantic Publishing eBook was professionally written, edited, fact checked, proofed and designed. You receive the same content as the print version of this book. Over the years our books have won dozens of book awards for content, cover design and interior design including the prestigious Benjamin Franklin award for excellence in publishing. We are proud of the high quality of our books and hope you will enjoy this eBook version.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atlantic Publishing Group Inc.
• Release date: Mar 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781601387974

Book preview

A Complete Guide for Single Moms

Everything You Need to Know about Raising Healthy, Happy Children On Your Own

BY JANIS ADAMS

The Complete Guide to for single moms: everything you need to know about raising healthy, happy children on your own

Copyright © 2011 Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc.

1405 SW 6th Avenue • Ocala, Florida 34471

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SAN Number: 268-1250

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be sent to Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc., 1405 SW 6th Avenue, Ocala, Florida 34471.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Adams, Janis, 1967-

A complete guide for single moms : everything you need to know about raising healthy, happy children on your own / by Janis Adams.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-60138-397-6 (alk. paper)

ISBN-10: 1-60138-397-5 (alk. paper)

1. Single mothers--Life skills guides. 2. Single-parent families. 3. Parenting. I. Title.

HQ759.915.A33 2010

306.874’32--dc22

2010025453

All trademarks, trade names, or logos mentioned or used are the property of their respective owners and are used only to directly describe the products being provided. Every effort has been made to properly capitalize, punctuate, identify, and attribute trademarks and trade names to their respective owners, including the use of ® and ™ wherever possible and practical. Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc. is not a partner, affiliate, or licensee with the holders of said trademarks.

LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: The publisher and the author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties, including without limitation warranties of fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales or promotional materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation. This work is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. The fact that an organization or Web site is referred to in this work as a citation and/or a potential source of further information does not mean that the author or the publisher endorses the information the organization or Web site may provide or recommendations it may make. Further, readers should be aware that Internet Web sites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read.

A few years back we lost our beloved pet dog Bear, who was not only our best and dearest friend but also the Vice President of Sunshine here at Atlantic Publishing. He did not receive a salary but worked tirelessly 24 hours a day to please his parents.

Bear was a rescue dog who turned around and showered myself, my wife, Sherri, his grandparents Jean, Bob, and Nancy, and every person and animal he met (well, maybe not rabbits) with friendship and love. He made a lot of people smile every day.

We wanted you to know a portion of the profits of this book will be donated in Bear’s memory to local animal shelters, parks, conservation organizations, and other individuals and nonprofit organizations in need of assistance.

– Douglas and Sherri Brown

PS: We have since adopted two more rescue dogs: first Scout, and the following year, Ginger. They were both mixed golden retrievers who needed a home.

Want to help animals and the world? Here are a dozen easy suggestions you and your family can implement today:

Adopt and rescue a pet from a local shelter.

Support local and no-kill animal shelters.

Plant a tree to honor someone you love.

Be a developer — put up some birdhouses.

Buy live, potted Christmas trees and replant them.

Make sure you spend time with your animals each day.

Save natural resources by recycling and buying recycled products.

Drink tap water, or filter your own water at home.

Whenever possible, limit your use of or do not use pesticides.

If you eat seafood, make sustainable choices.

Support your local farmers market.

Get outside. Visit a park, volunteer, walk your dog, or ride your bike.

Five years ago, Atlantic Publishing signed the Green Press Initiative. These guidelines promote environmentally friendly practices, such as using recycled stock and vegetable-based inks, avoiding waste, choosing energy-efficient resources, and promoting a no-pulping policy. We now use 100-percent recycled stock on all our books. The results: in one year, switching to post-consumer recycled stock saved 24 mature trees, 5,000 gallons of water, the equivalent of the total energy used for one home in a year, and the equivalent of the greenhouse gases from one car driven for a year.

Dedication

To Colby, I am so very blessed to be your mother. May you always ever be a man after God’s own heart.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: I’m a Single Mom –Now What?

Chapter 2: Finding Support for Your New Lifestyle

Chapter 3: A Baby Is On The Way

Chapter 4: Adjustment for All –Settling into Single Motherhood

Chapter 5: The Other Half – My Child’s Father

Chapter 6: The Green Giant – Financial Affairs

Chapter 7: Sons & Daughters – Ages,Stages, Gender Roles, and Issues

Chapter 8: Establishing Lifelines – Support Systems

Chapter 9: Leaving the Old Maid At Home – Entering the World of Dating

Chapter 10: Somewhere Over theRainbow- The Future

Conclusion: Single Mothers’ Words of Wisdom

Appendix A: Pregnancy Preparedness Checklist

Appendix B: Resources

Bibliography

Author Biography

Introduction

Being a single mom has been the most golden experience of my life. I consider it golden because while there have been trials and fiery times, it has produced the most valuable and lasting results in my life and in the life of my son. Just like gold is refined, so have I been refined and changed in a greater way because of having been a single mother. I would not be writing this book if my experience as a single mother had not been hopeless at the onset and then proved to be the greatest, most hope-filled experience of my life.

My job mothering is nearly done as my son is now an adult. Although I still can see the vestiges of the little boy with cerulean blue eyes, a single dimple, and a splatter of well-placed freckles, I know the man he has become is partially a product of my odyssey as a single mother.

A few months prior to turning 21, my son penned a letter to me that spoke of our experiences. In his looking back on his childhood, I was reminded of the truth of what it meant to be a single mother. His words, not all of which are included here, reminded me with candor what it means to be a single mother:

You have been one of the people in my life who has always been there for me. I had a very blessed childhood and growing up with you couldn’t have been better. Of course, we had our rough patches in life, but us fighting through those made us stronger, never kept us down, and made us both better people. Not only are you my mom, you are my best friend.

As I read the entirety of the letter, I recalled the moments that were very difficult as a single mother raising a son. But it was those moments that not only molded my son into the man he is today, but also shaped me into a far better woman. Now that I am on the other side of single mothering, where the job is all but done, I see that I have learned so very much.

As a single mother just starting out, I wish there had been a book handed to me to guide my steps, provide encouragement, and remind me of those who had gone before me as successful single mothers. I hope these pages will give you hope, encouragement, and most of all pride in who you are as a mother and as a woman.

The Secret to Single Motherhood

It was through life’s lessons that I learned the secret to single motherhood. The secret to being a single mother is that every situation is unique and every situation has unique options. In learning this invaluable lesson, I was freed to enjoy being a mother to my son in a way unique to our situation and in a style that best suited us.

The secret to single motherhood is that life is lived out by trial and error — with many errors. However, I am sure that my son would attest that within those errors contained the most important gift I could give my son: the knowledge that whoever he became, and however he became it, I would love him unequivocally without question. If I could not buy the sneakers he wanted or the latest electronic device, it not a reflection of my love for him. The secret to single motherhood is that material things do not make up for time spent with your child.

The secret to single mothering is that mistakes are part of the process. Do not attribute the mistakes that you make to the fact that you are parenting on your own — all parents, and I mean every darn one, makes mistakes.

The secret to single mothering is that there is no shame in raising a child on your own. Take pride; raising a child is no small feat, and doing it on your own is a Herculean accomplishment.

The secret to single mothering is that there are practical and helpful logistics afforded to a single mother. Help is out there, but first you must be willing to ask for help. Second, you must be willing to take the time to search out available options and offerings. An integral part of this secret is the realization that regardless of however single you are, the reality is you are not going to be parenting alone. There are numerous options for support for a mother parenting on her own. There is the support of family and friends, as well as uncountable numbers of resources now available to single mothers today. Children need to be woven into many lives, and just because you are parenting solo does not mean you are all the child needs in his or her life.

This book will serve as a guide through all the issues facing a single mother. This book will cover topics, including the way to successfully create a budget and eradicate debt from your life to how to handle the prospect of beginning to date. The book will explore gender issues and will focus on a how raising a boy differs from raising a girl, as well as how to find healthy role models for your children. As you read, you will also hear from other single mothers as they share their experiences throughout the pages of the book. Their testimonies can serve as both an encouragement when you think there is no one else who has been where you are and as a guide so that you can avoid mistakes others who have gone before you have already made.

My hope is that this book will lead you to realize the secrets of mothering your child in your own way, unique to your own situation.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: I’m a Single Mom — Now What?

None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting to change all the tenor of our lives.

— Kathleen Thomson Norris, American novelist July 16, 1880 – January 18, 1966

You are now among a special group of women — single mothers. You are not alone. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the national number of single mothers is rapidly rising. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 36 percent of women ages 15 to 50 who gave birth in the past year were not currently married. According to Parents Without Partners, an organization designed to provide single parents and their children with an environment of support by offering regular meetings and activities, from 1990 to 2000, there was an increase of more than 3 million single mothers. Roughly translated, this means that by the year 2002, 23 percent of children lived with a single mother. A decade later, this figure continues to rise. The reality is there are many women who have thrived after becoming single mothers, and many children raised by single mothers have become successful adults.

For example, did you know that football greats Warrick Dunn and brothers Tiki and Ronde Barber were raised by single mothers? Baseball player Rickey Hendersen and Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps were also raised by single mothers. Politician Alexander Haig and President Barack Obama also grew up in homes with a single mother. Comedian Bill Cosby, actress Julia Roberts, and singer Alicia Keys are the shining stars of single mothers. That is just to name a few people whose lives were shaped by single mothers.

You have the ability to become a strong, thriving single mother if you so choose. Whether you have become a single mother by choice — by artificial insemination, surrogacy, or adoption — or you have a become a single mother out of situations out of your control — whether as the result of divorce, widowhood, or the end of a relationship — the attitude you bring to mothering is entirely yours. You can cry, complain, and look at all the negatives to the situation, or you can choose to focus on the positives — whether they are clearly apparent to you at this juncture or not.

As the time for single mothering hits, it will be a time for some major lifestyle adjustments. As you step into your role as a single mother, you will be letting go of an old life to step into a new one. Even if you are ecstatic with joy about the upcoming arrival of a new child, leaving your previous lifestyle behind and starting a new life with shared accommodations can be daunting. Change of any kind in anyone’s life can cause a period of mourning or grief over the lifestyle he or she once had, and this is normal and acceptable within healthy boundaries.

Many women, even when they made the choice to become a mother on their own, find letting go of their freedoms tinged by a wistfulness that often accompanies moving to a new place in life. One of the most important things you as a single mother will need to do is not focus on what you do not have, and instead, focus on the joys and blessings in life and the adventures single motherhood will inevitably bring you.

Accepting Your Circumstances

If circumstances out of your control have thrust single motherhood upon you, there is a natural grieving process that you must allow yourself to experience to become not only a healthy mother but a happy one too. The first step in this vital process is to offer yourself the understanding that grief is a natural and healthy response to the loss of something formerly in our lives or simply the loss of a lifestyle or status. It hurts, and it sometimes takes time to fully allow ourselves to feel the sadness, experience it, and move past it.

It is important as you embrace your new situation to keep talking. Find people who you can honestly share your feelings with. Think carefully about who you choose to share the intimacies of your life with, as personal details of your life need to be placed in the hearts and hands of those who will treasure information and keep it safe. Those listening need not even offer advice or solutions; they simply need to be available to listen. Often, we assume when we are hurting that we will be stronger if we are alone in our grief; this is untrue. Grief needs to be shared. There is no safety in pretending we are not grieving or experiencing a loss in our life.

As natural as it will be to think about your pre-single mommy lifestyle, you need to realize when you are dwelling too much on how things were, instead of embracing your present and anticipating your future. For some women, enduring difficult situations that place them into single motherhood, for example in the event of divorce or the death of a spouse, could mean that depression could take hold of their lives. Here are some warning signs to be aware of should you think you or another single mother you know may be experiencing symptoms of depression:

• Not being able to sleep or sleeping too much

• Not being able to stop eating or not eating and losing visible amounts of weight

• Extreme irritability

• Acute loss of concentration leaving you unable to accomplish daily tasks

• Acting in an overly manic, overly agitated state

• Feeling no hope, or often having thoughts of not wanting to live or suicidal tendencies

• Feelings of self-hatred or self-loathing

Should you experience any of these symptoms on an ongoing basis, you should seek help from a professional. Whether it be from your physician, therapist, or psychiatrist, it is important to reach out to a professional who can guide you to a healthy place — for both yourself and your children.

If you are a single mother by choice, you will not experience the grieving process other single mothers may experience. However, it does not mean that mothering will not come without significant adjustment. You may at times miss the simplicity of your life before making the choice to become a single mother. This is a normal reaction and nothing to be dismayed by or ashamed of. It is normal to have moments when it all seems overwhelming. All mothers face moments of doubt and uncertainty; the adjustment to motherhood is said to be the greatest change in a woman’s life.

A Single Mother By Choice

Today, many women choose to become single mothers. The circumstances that lead them to this choice differ from one woman to another. One woman may choose to become a mother on her own because she is at a place in life where she would like to parent but has not met someone she wants to share her life with. Another woman may choose to bring a child into her heart and home because of the circumstances the child is in. Whatever leads each woman to her decision, becoming

Reviews for A Complete Guide for Single Moms

[Aruna Thiagarajan · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A Must read, survival guide for every single mothers out there

[travelvic · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Now more than ever in our present society, it’s completely normal to see single parents taking on the task of raising children on their own. Whether by choice through adoption or surrogacy or by surprise via an unplanned pregnancy, divorce, or death of a partner, the goal remains to successfully nurture the child to adulthood. For those single moms out there that feel alone in their situation and unsure in how to do it all on their own, author Janis Adams has many of those answers in her new book.“A Complete Guide for Single Moms: Everything You Need to Know About Raising Healthy, Happy Children on Your Own” is an all-inclusive collection of solutions, advice, and support for women finding themselves in the position of ‘mom’, no matter how they got there in the first place. Information is presented from all sides – adoption, divorce, death, etc – and gently guides the parent through a myriad of age groups, issues, gender specific considerations (ie. raising a son vs. a daughter), and much, much more. Most of the suggestions given are not only good common sense practices but applicable to any parent – male or female, single or couple. The book makes me think of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” but with language and various nuances focused on the single mom specifically and gives you much more than just the pregnancy aspects of motherhood.“A Complete Guide for Single Moms” is a wonderful read for any single mother – or any parent for that matter – struggling to balance life with their newfound role of ‘primary caregiver’. Adams never strays from a consistently high level of empathy and encouragement as she offers one good piece of advice after another. The book starts at a very basic level in order to encompass any and all potential questions so even those new moms that know absolutely nothing about being a parent will find answers and strength within the pages. More experienced moms may find some of the subject matter a little on the rudimentary side but there is still plenty of information that they may have previously not considered and will find to be rather thought provoking. I especially liked Adams’ insistence on mothers maintaining their own health and wellbeing; moms too often forget about themselves in an effort to be a ‘super mom’. This often-ignored advice ensures that you are at your best so you have your best to give. Well done! Reviewed by Vicki Landes, author of “Europe for the Senses – A Photographic Journal”