Emotional Recovery from Marital Separation: How You Both Move Forward Into a Better Life

By Richard Schwindt

The breakdown of a marriage can be overwhelming; involving a complex array of emotional and instrumental tasks. Emotional Recovery from Marital Separation gets you started, with an overview of the issues associated with separation and divorce. Richard Schwindt is a working therapist with more than thirty years of experience. He gives direct advice for helping your children, becoming a stepparent, managing your emotions, seeking help, reengaging in the sexual marketplace and maintaining your health. From the author of Emotional Recovery from an Affair this book provides straightforward assistance to men and women facing the crisis of marital separation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9780993861048

Book preview

Author

Introduction

Bad divorce? Hardy asked, his gaze falling to my hands. I realized I was clutching my purse in a death grip. No, the divorce was great, I said. It was the marriage that sucked.

Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

Marriages don't always make it. Couples get together, most intending to remain together for life, have children, buy homes and support each other. Then something changes, quickly or slowly, and they - or one of them - decides to leave the marriage. Surely this is one of life's most casual tragedies. While some do this with a degree of civility, many do not. In fact, many of the most conflictual and challenging scenarios therapists face involve separated or divorced couples.

Bad separations can be the most dismal part of a clinical practise, helping people through harassment, threats and even violence. People bond and even in a bad marriage those bonds run deep. Relationships are primal and exist in conjunction with deep and not always conscious emotions; which is why love can turn to something much darker.

Marital separations move in stages that involve dissolution, uncoupling (thanks Gwyneth), the executive tasks of separating households, grieving and the creation of another life for each party. That formerly together individuals rarely move in lockstep shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Even in the most benign separation there will be differences in how each party acts and especially the speed with which they process the change. The reasons for this vary but the most common is pretty obvious:

Kyle: I have been thinking about leaving you for years. I haven't been happy for a long time

Ann: So why have you waited this long to tell me?

Separated people rarely completely separate. There remain connections; the most obvious of these being their children. But there may also be in-laws, grandparents, extended family, the golf club, or workplaces. As if the two former partners are not going through enough, there are others who have to adjust as well. Everyone is not on the same page.

Who gets the worst deal, men or women? I think it is a painful experience for both. This book is for both men and women; I will try not to discriminate or take sides. Whether I am seeing a man or a woman the person before me is in pain. Is one person or another at fault? Sure, sometimes.

Jerry was shocked to discover that his wife had been having an affair with his best friend for years. He broke down in tears when she calmly told him they were moving in together.

Linda's husband was depressed, alcoholic and verbally abusive. It took years of therapy, supportive family and friends before she finally said, Enough and left for an apartment of her own.

I worry when someone gets fixated on the awful partner. For the most part they are struggling human beings and may see you as the awful partner. What worries me the most is the amount of space they are taking up in your head while you are trying to create a better life for yourself.

Sometimes the reasons seem trivial or beyond anyone's understanding.

Mark just wasn't happy anymore. He told Cindy, with some sadness that he was leaving. He didn't understand why Cindy's world collapsed from under her.

In most cases, even where separation is clearly justified, the children are going to be deeply affected. Some, traumatically so. This is a source of guilt, sadness, anger and often denial in parents. And I am referring to infants in arms and thirty year old emancipated adults. I will be devoting space in this book to the effect of separation on children.

The Emotional Recovery from… series is intended to give quick, inexpensive and practical support to people who experience emotional turmoil. This book won't cover all the bases but will provide First Aid and an overview to those who struggle.

I play a little fast and loose with terminology and I am aware of the difference between a trial separation, a separation and a divorce. But my focus remains on the human beings at the centre, no matter the circumstance or label.

I am a working therapist who sees people of all ages day to day. I have seen everyone in the drama of separation; you when you decided to leave; you went you were told your spouse was leaving, your kids, your parents and the person your spouse has chosen as a new partner.

I try to write books that will help people now. There is much to do when someone separates. As a general rule I divide things into emotional and executive tasks. That is reductive but it does set a simple framework. Think for a minute. If you told your husband last week you were leaving him, why would he agree to the terms of the separation agreement this week? He's still crying and trying to figure out where his life went.

Ken: I've lived with your trauma for years now. There's no sex, no joy. You hit me and abuse me and I can't hit back. I can't do this anymore.

Shelly: That man raped me and I can't get past it. Please don't leave me alone.

Couples have to figure out