Balance

By Estelle Hough

This book is aimed at the lay person who wants the best life they can have, and which can only be achieved through understanding how life works. It is also aimed at the student who is looking for the solutions the masters of their crafts have found in order to improve the quality of lives on earth. This is the guide to help you overcome negative life events and steer you through to optimal, accomplished living. It clarifies how the brain and body functions physically as well as psychologically, so that you will understand the causes and cures of states like depression, drug abuse, and other common diseases.
It covers the process of building self-esteem, self-confidence, understanding others and communicating well with them. Know how life works and gain self-worth by taking necessary, well planned actions.
We are an essential part of nature with the physics involved therein. We have innate characteristics that if recognized, contribute to the happiness and fulfillment of the entire world. It is all a question of balance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Estelle Hough
• Release date: Sep 6, 2014
• ISBN: 9780620623254

Estelle Hough

I live on a smallholding in South Africa. I have degrees in psychology and literature, and my interests lie in enhancing life for all. You can contact me through my website, or my blog: Through my window.

Book preview

Foreword

The best way to find solutions to life’s challenges is to find out what makes you tick, and how to tick in time – with your body, your mind and the rest of the world.

When things go wrong and you need clarity, a place to start regaining your balance is by looking at how the body, brain and mind works so that you can restore what goes wrong and work at optimizing your own unique capabilities.

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Acknowledgements

This book is aimed at the lay person who wants the best life they can have, and which can only be achieved through understanding how life works. It is also aimed at the student who is looking for the solutions the masters of their crafts have found in order to improve the quality of life on earth. You will find the names of these experts in the relevant topics covered in this book.

Thank you to the many masters I could refer to in order to compile this book. One person cannot gain all the experience and insights required to cover the topics that make up the complex nuances of peoples’ lives – you made it possible.

Part 1: How your brain thinks

Human behaviour flows from three main sources: Desire, emotion, and knowledge – Plato

Chapter 1

The way life works

Basic human nature doesn’t change; we still behave according to how we feel, and we still strive to improve our lives.

The development of the neocortex in the human being caused us to become self-aware, and it is this self-awareness that drives us to try and improve ourselves. But consequently, perhaps because we need to develop still further, we tend to take short-cuts in our lives, which in the end sometimes turn out to be very long detours.

Life will always be somewhat of an obstacle course – if it weren’t, we couldn’t ever learn anything new - that’s why becoming skilful at life is such an advantage. Being aware of what’s going on around you, and noting the consequences of your and other peoples’ actions, can save you a lot of trouble and heartache.

For instance, people who decide not to further their education frequently say that there are many people who have made a financial success of their lives without taking on that trouble and cost. This is true of people who have plenty of drive and passion any way, but for most of us, an educational safety net boosts confidence and opens further avenues of exploration.

We are free to choose our lives. We can drive around under the influence, have as much unprotected sex as we want, rob instead of work, drug instead of be clear headed. You can tear the cellophane packet of your cereal instead of cutting it, and struggle with spilling cereal until the packet is empty. You do not have to care; it is your life... it is only that whenever you do not think forward to the results of your actions or lack thereof - you will suffer the consequences.

Let’s imagine you are young and in love. You want to be together, but are wary of being tied down. If you discuss the issue of an unwanted baby with your girlfriend and come up with the answer that she will have a quick abortion in case of such an eventuality, consider that there will be emotional upheaval, financial considerations, pain, trauma, or even one of you deciding that abortion is no longer an acceptable answer.

Would such a decision be worth the short respite of not taking the time to also take precautions beforehand?

Happiness is a result of your personality and of your behaviours. Genetics influence both but determine neither. You can improve both your personality and your behaviours for your own benefit - and for those you may care about.

As we have all become aware of; the pace of life has accelerated and society is changing uncomfortably fast.

We tend to rely on ‘quick fix’ solutions to problems. Unfortunately, even if escape tactics like alcohol, drugs, casual sex etc. are common in society, they don’t ultimately solve our problems – they exacerbate them. When

temporary respites are continuously resorted to in lieu of dealing with emotional issues, we can and do develop worse problems with life. All they are temporary distractions, and when over-used they can make you miss out on having a much better life experience.

Plato’s observations that human behaviour flows from our desires, emotions and knowledge still apply, but consider the one thing that has changed - the pace of our lives. The fast pace has caused us to become used to promises of immediate relief and instant gratification. We have come to rely on distractions instead of solutions, without realizing that we are only climbing onto a treadmill instead of resolving our issues.

Often, the reason why we resort to distractions instead of dealing with problems we are struggling with is that we feel we have no control of our world. This is a perception. There is always an element of control. The secret is to find it, and clarity of mind will help you find it.

We all need to make a living and it feels like everyone, whether private or as part of a company, wants to have his or her voice heard - everyone has discovered something new that he or she wants us to have or want us to know. When other people tell us that they have just the solutions for our happiness, it becomes difficult to decide what to do. Yesterday’s miracles may no longer work for us as our needs have changed. They may not apply or are even true.

The world has not really changed as much as our perceptions tell us – it is only that we have become engulfed by the media. We need information in order to progress, so we take it all in and we continue, as it is in our nature to do so.

But some of the ways in which we contribute to this

madness in the world is unnecessary. With a little thought, and avoiding mental laziness, we can become clear in our minds about what is important and what is not.

It’s not necessary to sit on the phone all day; it is a habit bad habit. We can do this by making a habit of thinking things through and so making more responsible decisions, by avoiding taking the easy way out in situations that crop up. Taking the easy way out comes back to you – it is part of pattern completion.

Consider the magical change that will come about the world if every person has an outlook of thinking their own issues through with integrity before taking action. You simply have to start with your own life. The motion will grow exponentially.

Strategize

There is nothing sinister about the world itself. Negative human behaviour, most of it arising from our fears, comes from the dilemmas of the world. They come from not understanding what life is about, and from bad management of our emotional lives.

In order to reduce our fears and the emotional stress that plague modern life, this behaviour can be corrected by not denying that you have a problem, by thinking things through without deceiving yourself, and by being prepared to work at bettering your life.

It is important to realize that by putting the right effort in now, you can save yourself a lifetime of frustration and unhappiness. After all, what can be more satisfying than feeling in control of your direction in life?

The difference would be that you would know that you have worked out a strategy and that you are following your own plan to optimize your life.

Look at the issues that may bother you first:

Guilt

When we have problems, we often suffer from feelings of guilt. Somewhere deep inside we think that we caused everything. It is not always clear why, but somehow it must be entirely our own fault. This is often not true. We may be lazy at times, we may make mistakes at times, but we are human. We evolve and will never be perfect. The whole idea is fallacious. There can be near perfection, or aspects that work beautifully, but nature (including human nature) needs to and will always spiral off in another direction. If evolving to the point of perfection were what it is all about, we would eventually come to a full stop. There would be no further movement, only stagnation – and movement engenders progress.

Guilt is a warning signal we have which is very helpful when we are children. It tells us to change our behaviour when we know we have done wrong. It is less helpful when we develop a habitual overbearing sense of guilt which has no or little rational foundation to support it.

This is a habit relating to our fears and anxieties. Sometimes we hide our problems because we are afraid of being judged by others; we may even say we do not care about what others say – yet we continue to feel bad... and the reason is because this is not really true.

When we excel at something our egos are stroked and we feel better about ourselves. We absolutely love it when

others praise what we do. We do not even realize that often it is low self-esteem that makes us oscillate between feeling low and euphoria, and that instead we could be following our own star and be self-confident no matter what the opinions of others are.

When we are not happy with our own performances, we do not like others to be aware of our failures. We also hide our problems because we so badly want to be accepted.

It is totally natural, because to be rejected or cast out from the group we want to belong to makes us miserable.

Sometimes we take the opposite route; we even go so far as to avoid people, alienating ourselves, before we show them that we are human and make mistakes. Invariably we find that we end up lonely and very often miserable.

If you want to be competent and enjoy excellent mental health, you have to treat your mind in the same way you would a physically fit and healthy body. A tuned body needs daily practice, especially if you have not been endowed with what you consider a perfect natural physique. A tuned mind needs daily practice in order to enhance what you have been endowed with.

Do not accept a negative diagnosis of your life. Do not accept the opinions of others.

It is important to let go of the past in order to have a life that flows smoothly. Do not accept common codes of behaviour - let go of all the yesterdays. It can only obscure your purpose and make you lose out on a good future. If you let go of your baggage, your vision becomes clearer and you can travel lightly.

Emotional literacy

Nothing forms more easily than a bad mental habit. We believe what we want to believe, we listen to what we want to hear, read what we feel comfortable with and we see what we want to see; all things that are the easiest on us at that moment, and we ignore everything else.

It is natural to behave this way, but it is the easy way out and will not take us anywhere uplifting or exiting, and this is basically what emotional illiteracy is all about.

Unfortunately indulging in escapism or fuzzy thinking never solves our problems. For instance, if you have financial problems, or an unhappy marriage, it will probably reduce your stress temporarily when escape from life by getting high. But it is not going to make life easier; in fact, it will definitely make life more difficult if you continue to do this.

You can download and watch tons of movies, or play computer games, or watch instructive or funny You-tube videos. This will give you time to gather your strength. Taking up karate or ballroom dancing will not only divert your mind, but relax those muscles and supply oxygen to the brain. But neither actions will resolve either your finances or the causes of your marriage problems.

As soon as you can, face what you are going through and work at it. Doing this can and will end in happiness if you persevere.

The correct mental process of reaching towards happiness and fulfilment is crucial. You could end up paying good money for a very long time to get expert advice about the causes of the mess you are in, and be spellbound by all this attention, without solving a smidgen of your problems, if your behaviour isn’t challenged.

A good thing to remember is that you don’t always need to know what caused the dilemma you are in. Knowing what caused the puncture in your bicycle tire does not enable you to fix it. There are times in life when there is no direct cause that leads to you. A series of unfortunate events can lead to present situations.

You will find in the end that you may need to come back to square one; facing and sorting the problem. Even if your life is hectic, even if you are tired, think that if you do not dredge up the time and energy to get a true and valid solution sooner, you may stay in the up and down spiral of pills and diversions, and you probably will have less time and energy next year.

The good news is, deciding to tackle the bull by the horns is actually the short cut you have been avoiding. It is not easy, but it solves problems and gets you on your way towards a good life.

To get started

Before you resort to that seductive quick fix, whatever it may be, think about the long-term effects of your current path. Then plan alternate strategies. The more you practice, the more adept you will become at it.

There are ways of doing this. They are the ABCs of emotional literacy. From being able to understand what drives your emotions, and not covering up what you don’t want to look at, you can move forward to fixing what is wrong. Once you are in control of your life it becomes much easier to focus on the good things you want. Even so, the good things at the back of your mind will come forward with the confidence you gain from the effort you make.

Through all of history there have been people who advocate that there is no right and wrong, and no good or bad. Their stance is a universal and eternal viewpoint which states that we are incarnated beings who need to experience all things in time. You should beware of the seductive, fuzzy thinking here. What you do now will have direct results to your well-being in this life. (Dr Phil McGraw: Life Strategies)

Home-grown burdens

Life goes by whether we do something about bettering it or not. The choices you make and the behaviours you have are yours. Whether they are indiscriminate, random or chaotic, or planned and organized.

Only be aware that when things go wrong as they will do at times, you will carry a heavier burden if you are not prepared; if you are not financially secure, or if you are emotionally illiterate.

You do not have to work your whole life in a hateful job that has no future. You do not always have to be broke. If you know you can do more, it will give you immense satisfaction to have done it. If your life is barren, if you are lonely and depressed, if you feel like a failure, remember, nothing in life says you must stay that way, that you cannot change things. But life does demonstrate all the time that if you do not try in the first place, you cannot succeed.

Sometimes we punish ourselves without knowing it. Consider this example: A woman who was molested by her father as a child, becomes a stripper as an adult. This affirms her outlook of herself, which says; you are a sub human.

She has a daughter, and her work keeps her separated from her child who she would love to be with, but she thinks of herself as a bad influence. Her self-punishment is her reward, a type of atonement for the bad things that happened to her as a child. She sees the past as her involvement, without taking her powerless childhood position into account.

Burdens like these are unnecessary. You can make peace with the past if you understand what you are doing. It is not easy to change bad behaviours. In the above example, the life choice was made exactly because it was considered bad behaviour. We behave in certain ways because we gain something by them, in this case atonement. You have to replace that ‘reward’ with another more positive one, perhaps doing a course, something you can be proud of – which of course needs work.

If a man takes off to the pub every time his wife nags him, his reward to himself is the satisfaction of getting her back, and escaping at the same time to a distraction from his burdens. If he carries on doing this type of thing, he is perhaps experiencing pleasure from wrecking his life and marriage, for reasons known or unknown to him. The fact is, if he does not experience reward in some way, he would stop the behaviour. It is in our nature to seek pleasure

and to avoid pain. The question is, are we paying more in the long run than we are gaining now?

Understanding ourselves is the key

In order to succeed at life, one has to understand how both our conscious and subconscious minds work. Our

conscious mind, which operates in the pre-frontal cortex, is the creative mind, which thinks out strategies. Many of our memories reside in the conscious mind, and we learn by building on past experiences.

The subconscious mind is the instinctive, reflexive mind, in the sense that it reacts to stimuli. It learns behaviours through stimulation. If you acquire the behaviour of poking a friend in the ribs every time you meet him, he will feel it and begin to object. Before long that person will pull away every time you try to poke him - their subconscious mind has learnt to react to being poked and has formed the habit of flinching even before being touched – like Pavlov’s dog salivating without food.

The more experience the subconscious mind picks up in certain areas, the stronger the neural pathways become to its reactions. This is a good thing if your experiences are productive, say like those of a professional musician. The more the musician practices, the more instinctive his reactions become, until he can play without conscious effort – which means he can immerse himself totally in his music and in this way create art.

But if you were bullied in primary school, it will take work to break down the belief you may have formed of yourself being a victim. The significance of this is that we learn to react to what happens to us in certain ways. When good things happen to us, we grow and flourish. Our neural pathways expect good things to happen. When bad things happen, we protect ourselves. Unfortunately, when we are in protective mode, we stop growing. Biologically, when the hypothalamus receives an environmental threat, the pituitary gland sends a signal to the adrenal glands to coordinate the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response. So, blood is directed away from the internal organs to the limbs, which inhibits growth in these organs while the threat is present. The more chronic the stress, the more inhibited the growth. It also works the other way around. The more practised you become at being in harmony, growing, or being successful, the easier life becomes. Your neural pathways that know the ways things work are strong.

When it comes down to basics, there are no mystical or unfathomable secrets about how life works; it is simply how nature works. So, the secret is to gain practice in those areas that you want to progress in. If you want to become confident in something, you have to learn the ropes. If your aim is to shine at work, first be interested in what you are doing. Building your know-how means strengthening those neural pathways. Knowledge and experience bring confidence.

Our rational brains and our emotional brains influence each other. We do not only think with logic and reasoning. We have instincts and emotions that influence our thinking. What we have to sort out is what is good for us in the long run and what is going to derail our plans. Planning our future with good strategic thinking is our starting point. Understanding what influences our thoughts and emotions gets us where we want to be.

Chapter 2

The way our brains work

The silicon chip and the biological cell have remarkable similarities and functions, but comparing the whole computer to the human brain is problematic. A computer doesn’t have feelings. Humans don’t behave the way they do as the result of rational thought alone. In us, the faculty of reason competes with our primeval emotions.

Our feelings, however, cannot be equated with the mistakes we make. If we did not consider our feelings while thinking, sensible reasoning would not exist. When you consider sending your child to a boarding school which has musical advantages but is far away, your emotions, and your child’s emotions come into play.

According to Jonah Lehrer (The Decisive Moment) neuroscience now knows that a significant part of our frontal cortex is involved with emotion. Instinctual emotions are integrated into the decision-making process. When the neural connections between the frontal cortex (involved in decision making) and the limbic system, particularly the amygdala and the brain stem, are severed, we lose access to our history of experience and the opinions we have formed. We would not remember why we do not like someone, or why we liked the circuitous route going into town.

Plato stated that we are ‘rational beings fighting with our emotions’, using the metaphor of a charioteer struggling with a wayward horse. This is not the case, as our emotions are incorporated into our thinking.

Freud asserted that our frontal cortex protects us from our emotions, which is also not the case – we are emotional animals; we are informed by our emotions. We see an experienced glass blower and stand in wonder at the way he intuitively judges the right amount of glass to take, when to stop blowing and how long it takes before the glass becomes too cool to rework. He has become so proficient at his craft that he is capable of taking instinctive short-cuts based purely on the feel of whether something is right or wrong – his emotional brain.

Our brains have taken millennia to evolve. The first networks of neurons appeared more than 5 million years ago in primitive biological systems that navigated through their reflexes. Over the ages highly evolved creatures developed that could navigate by starlight, radar, smell things for miles, and migrate by using magnetic fields in the water. They all, with these amazing capabilities, existed before we came along. If we reflect about these capabilities even today - there are so many that we are not capable of - we may come to the conclusion that animals do not deserve the label ‘lower order’.

Even so, these creatures can decide what to do, but they cannot reflect on their own decisions. They do not have language to express themselves or plan ahead or analyse or accumulate data - or lie for that matter, like we can. The newly developed frontal cortex does not think or respond as quickly as our older emotional brain (the hypothalamus and amygdala). These older parts have had time on their side; like computers that become more and more efficient, they have had time to evolve into refined systems.

Realistically speaking, the time it takes our newer brain to react on a