The White Rose

By Jayne Amanda Maynes

“Chris it's time to start healing the world, or the world will destroy us. The mortals need to know they need not fear us, that like them we are ruled by love not hate. You really do need to learn the rest of your nature, and there are plenty of witches now capable of helping you do that.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jayne Amanda Maynes
• Release date: Sep 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310959752

Jayne Amanda Maynes

I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a M2F (male to female) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don’t know about being the woman I always knew I was.

Book preview

Chapter 1

She wasn't what most people would call stunning, but she wasn't homely either. She was packing around a few extra pounds, but was large boned so they didn't look unsightly. She still had all the curves in all the right places so she was beautiful, just not necessarily what they call drop dead gorgeous. She wasn't what I would normally look for physically in a woman either, not that I really cared since I was always a woman in my dreams. To that point I had always looked for women who were short and small framed, close to the weight their small frame said was right to be healthy. She didn't fit any of that, but I no less found myself wanting to find out about her.

She asked me for a ride home the night we met, insisting I come in at least for a cup of coffee. I knew she wanted more, but even with how attractive I found her I couldn't give her what I knew she wanted. She said she had a couple kids she wanted me to meet when I told her I needed go.

Please Sam I really want you to meet my daughters, Irene said.

I hope you don't plan on waking them, I said.

No, but knowing them, they'll be up before I am in the morning. If you want, you can sleep in my bed, she said.

I took the couch since I was in the habit of getting up early, and it sounded like Irene intended on sleeping until noon, or later, if she could, and I just wasn't up for sharing with anyone aside from the person who was my other half in my dreams.

In the morning I woke stiff and sore from tossing and turning trying to find a position that was comfortable enough to actually sleep.

I found my way into the kitchen and started looking for everything to make a pot of coffee to help me wake up. As I was looking for the coffee one of the kids came in rubbing her eyes and stretching.

Are you going to be our new daddy? Kathy asked.

I looked at her and knew I had to meet the other child, if they were who I thought they were I needed to get to know them, since they were a step toward me finally being able to be myself.

Is your name Kathy? I asked kneeling down so I wasn't towering over her.

Did mommy tell you? Kathy asked.

No honey, your mommy didn't tell me, I was hoping maybe you could, I said.

I'm Kathy and my sister's Nicole. You're the one from our dreams huh? she asked.

I didn't have a clue, since I hadn't been told about her dreams.

I don't know Kathy. I think you've been in my dreams though, and that's how I was able to guess your name, I said.

You are the one then. You like roses just like daddy does, Kathy said.

Your daddy likes roses? I asked.

If you're looking for mommies coffee, I think she ran out, Kathy said.

I see. Well maybe I should go to the store and get some. Does your mommy have any eggs or anything so I can make us some breakfast? I asked.

She just gives us cereal. I don't think mommy eats breakfast, Kathy said.

I found a bag of flour that was about half gone and opened the bag to find it full of weevils. How many other food items in the house had gone bad? These two little girls deserved the best and from what I was seeing so far that wasn't even close to what they were getting.

I fully intended to talk to Irene when she got up. If she wasn't willing to fix good healthy meals for these girls, would she let me do so.

Kathy I need to go to the store and get some things for breakfast. Will you and Nicole be alright if I leave you here while I do? I promise I'll be right back, I said.

If we need something we can wake mommy. You won't be gone very long will you? she asked.

I promise I won't be more than an hour. You do know how long an hour is? I asked.

She nodded and explained to me it was when the first number on the clock changed.

I hated the thought of leaving them alone while Irene slept, but felt confident if either of them needed anything Kathy couldn't handle she would make sure Irene did get up.

I fixed a pot of coffee when I got back and proceeded to make some pancakes for the girls and myself for breakfast. Both girls seemed excited they weren't going to have cereal and commented about how good the pancakes smelled before I had any of them fully cooked.

You both need to go wash your hands and face, so when the pancakes are ready you're ready to eat them, I said.

They both gave me a dirty look, but headed into the bathroom and turned on the water dipping their hands in and splashing a little on their faces. When they came back in the kitchen I put my hands on my hips and frowned at them as though telling them I didn't think they did a very good job washing their hands and faces.

They both looked up at me with a pout on their face.

You don't look like you want any of these pancakes, or you'd be sitting at the table, so I could serve them to you, I said.

They both ran over to the table sitting at the two places I set leaving the middle seat open for me. I set one pancake on each of their plates and a couple on mine making sure to cut theirs up into bite size pieces and poured syrup on so it covered every piece. I had already set a glass of milk and juice at their places and had my coffee and a glass of juice at my place.

Irene got up just as we were finishing eating and after pouring herself a cup of coffee came over to the table and sat down.

There are a couple pancakes left if you want, I offered.

I just give the girls cereal in the mornings. I didn't even know there was any pancake mix in the house. Come to think of it I thought I was out of coffee too, Irene said.

I went to the store. You were out of coffee, or at least I couldn't find any and I thought while I was there I would get some eggs and flour. These two little girls helped me get breakfast ready, or we would still be waiting to eat, I said.

They don't either of them know how to cook any better than I do, Irene said.

I'm going to guess that's not at all, if the bag of flour was any indication, I said.

I do fine if I can put it in the microwave, Irene said.

I was hoping you might let me fix these girls a good breakfast and dinner at the very least. It wouldn't be any trouble to make them sandwiches, or something that would just need to be warmed up for lunch as well, I said.

So you plan on coming over here every morning on your way to work to drop off breakfast and lunch for these two brats, and then again every evening to drop off dinner? Irene asked.

I noticed you have a bed room you don't use. I'd be willing to pay rent for it and a place to park in the driveway. I'll do all my own shopping and even cleanup after me and the girls. Your bedroom will be the only room you need to worry about cleaning, I said.

She told me how much she wanted to rent me the spar room she had and gave me a few conditions as well. Conditions like if she had someone over I stayed to my room, and kept the girls out of the way as well. In essence I would become a built in babysitter, or nanny for the girls, having all the responsibility, but none of the authority of being their parent.

Since it would make it easier for me to control the kinds of food they ate as well as insuring they were shown a better example of how to live, I accepted her terms, and was free to move in any time.

Kathy wanted to know if I had lost my mind, and said she knew I had when I told her the girls I'd be taking care of where my daughters from my dreams.

Sam I want to meet these two little girls, Kathy said.

Kathy I'd be delighted to bring them over so you can meet them, but first I have to get their mothers permission, I said.

I thought you said you're their mother, Kathy said.

In my dreams I am, but this isn't my dreams. All I know about these girls right now is they're the daughters of my dreams, their names are Kathy and Nicole, their father is never around, but then he's never been around in the dreams either, yet I know I'm married to him, I said.

So you don't even know who this man is? she asked.

In my dreams I do. In my dreams he's my friend, my lover and my equal. In my dreams he's everything I tried so hard to be, but couldn't be as a man, I said.

I don't understand you Sam. It seems you let your dreams rule everything about your life, and reality isn't a dream, Kathy said.

I just want to know if it's alright to store these boxes here? If not let me know now and I'll find somewhere else to keep them, I said.

Of course you can keep them here. Sometimes I swear I haven't got a clue who you are. I still want to meet these two little girls of yours, she said.

I need to go get car seats for them so it'll likely be tomorrow before I can bring them by, I said.

Let me guess, Irene or whatever her name is, doesn't have car seats for them, Kathy said.

She thinks Kathy's big enough to sit on the seat and Nicole is still small enough to keep in a baby carrier. Kathy these two girls need me, they need the stability I can give them, I said.

She isn't much of a mother is she? Why did she even have kids if she doesn't want them? Kathy asked.

She told me her ex wanted them, I said.

So why didn't she let him have them in the divorce? From the sound of it he would have taken better care of them, she said.

He's in the military and gone a lot. From what she said, he didn't have anyway of taking care of them since his family disowned him, I said.

Does he ever visit them? she asked.

I don't know. I know some of her biker friends come over and help with the kids, one in particular, named Chris. I just wish I knew him better, I think he's someone I could fall for, if it weren't that I'm not able be myself right now, and I know he isn't gay, I said.

So my little sister has a crush. I thought your dreams told you who your husband is, she said.

For all I know he is my husband from my dreams, I said.

From the first day I moved in with Irene the job of taking care of the kids fell on me. Irene would take off as soon as I got home from work, and I wouldn't see her again until I got home the following day. The kids knew if they needed anything they could come in my room to get me.

When I introduced them to Kathy she gave me a look that said she didn't ever want me bringing them to her house again, and as long as I was living with them under the same roof she wouldn't come over to visit.

You said you wanted to meet them Kathy. I don't understand why you're so upset, I said.

Can you guarantee those girls won't bite my kids? she asked.

Can you guarantee your kids won't bite them? Kathy has talked about biting and I sat down with her and went over why biting is wrong. She assured me she wouldn't bite, can you say that for Kelli? I asked.

You don't understand Sam. Those girls bite is dangerous, Kathy said.

You're right I don't understand. I don't see why their bite would be anymore dangerous than mine. If anything my bite is probably more dangerous since I'm bigger and stronger than they are, I said.

She gave me a look I couldn't begin to understand.

You've been bitten? she asked.

What are you talking about? Kathy what on earth is wrong with you? Look at me, I'm still your little sister. I'm still the same person I've always been, I said.

You still don't believe in magic? she asked.

That's a silly question. Of course I don't believe in magic, aside from the magic of love and family. I know there are a lot of things I can't explain, but that doesn't mean there's such a thing as magic, I said.

I'm sorry, Sam. I guess I'm just a little jumpy. I've been studying some very old stories and came across something that bothered me, she said.

Let me guess it has to do with your witchcraft? I asked.

Chapter 2

Over the next year my girls and Kathy's kids played together several times. My girls loved when I would take them over to Kathy's because it became the only place I would ever be myself and they loved having me around as myself.

They didn't understand why I refused to allow anyone else to know who I was as a woman, and really didn't like that I didn't want them calling me mom other than when I was dressed as myself.

After the first year of living with my girls I decided to take the box of clothes I had in the apartment home and keep them in my closet so any time I knew Irene wasn't going to be around for a day or two I could dress rather than needing to go over to Kathy's to do so.

Sam I've been invited to spend the next week with some friends. I can't bring the girls with and mom said there's no way she can take them that long, I know they love spending time with you, and mom said if you need someone to watch them during the day while you're at work she would love to help, Irene said.

Irene if you want to go, please do. I can handle the girls and I'm sure my sister would be willing to watch them while I'm at work, I said.

You really wouldn't mind? I mean they are my girls, but I think they'd rather spend time with you than me, Irene said.

It'll be fine. Maybe I'll take them camping or something, I said.

I arranged to take my vacation the same time Irene was spending time with whoever it was she was going to be spending time with. Shortly after she left Chris came by.

Kathy can you get that please? I asked when the doorbell rang.

Okay mommy, Kathy said.

I heard her get the door, but didn't hear anything else while I was in the kitchen getting us some lunch.

Kathy who was it dear? I called out.

It could be your lover? a man called back.

I turned around and Chris was standing so close to me I had to back up to see anything but his tank top.

You could give a girl a heart attack sneaking up on her that way. What do you want? I asked.

I heard Irene was gone for the week and was hoping maybe I could take you and the girls camping, Chris said.

You're cute Chris, but you don't even know who I am, I said.

Sure I do. You're Samantha Waters, he said.

Actually I'm not, I'm Sam's twin sister, Geri, I said.

I see, that's strange because according to Captain Waters file he doesn't have a twin sister, just two older sisters and a younger brother, Chris said.

I'm sure you'd know all about that too, wouldn't you? I guess that means you know who I am better than I do, I said.

So you're saying your not Samantha Geraldine Waters? he asked.

Of course I am, but since my brother goes by Sam I go by Geri. That way we don't get confused who's who, I said.

I see. So why isn't there any mention of you in Sam's military records? he asked.

Maybe he's ashamed of me, or someone just screwed up. My guess is someone screwed up, I said.

I doubt Sam would have been ashamed of you, though he might have left you out because you're him. If I'm right and you and he are one, I'll have to let you know I do prefer how you look now, he said.

So you want to take us camping do you? And just why should we be interested in going camping with a ruffian like you? I asked.

We both laughed and I thanked him for thinking about taking us away, but there was so much that needed to be done around the house and with my job I was barely able to keep up so this week would give me a chance to get a lot done that might make it so I could have more time once the week was over.

Kathy gave me a disappointed look until Chris offered to help around the house if I'd let him know what all needed to be done.

These two girls really do love having you here Chris. I wish this is who I could be all the time, but I have a feeling the time still isn't quite right, I said.

The only thing stopping you I can see is you. Sam I'm willing to take care of you if you don't want to go back to the boring depressed person you are when not being yourself, he said.

You don't know anything at all about my dreams do you? I asked.

No, if you want to tell me I promise I won't laugh, he said.

That would be a first. It's more than just the dreams Chris. It's the holes in my memory as well. Before I resigned I must have gone over the last two missions I was involved with a thousand times and all the reports say the same thing as my memories, but I know my memories are wrong. Tell me if my memories are right why did I blackout the way I did? I asked.

Sam I haven't got a clue what happened. On both of those missions my unit was in the field on other assignments, even though that doesn't seem right. Rose company should have been there during those missions everything inside me says we were, but the mission reports and my memories say otherwise. From what I've seen of the mission reports it took Chuck to pickup where your White Rose left off. I know for a fact your White Rose never left anything for someone else to cleanup, yet that's the way the mission reports show. I know that's why Jason couldn't get you the promotion you deserved, he said.

Maybe if I hadn't been such a bitch about telling senior officer to shut up and let me do my job it might have helped me get those gold clusters, I said.

That might not have hurt, but even their own reports show they were hampering your efforts until you told them to shut up, he said.

Did we ever meet over there? I asked.

I don't know. I don't remember us meeting, but I can't believe we didn't, that base wasn't that big and there had to have been meetings we were both in since we both held command positions, he said.

I don't remember either. I want to know why nothing I remember from over there seems right, I said.

You don't believe in magic, do you? he asked.

Don't start that, please. The last thing I need right now is someone besides my sister that I trust telling me magic is real, I said.

Your sister? Can I ask which one? he asked.

Kathy, my oldest sister. She's the head of some witch coven or something. She said she's the most powerful witch in generations. Believe it, or not, she tried convincing me some stories Mac told me are true. That the ones he told are from vampire lore and that there are stories among the witches that are very similar, I said.

They're about someone called the White Rose aren't they? I remember a couple of my men talking about stories like that, he said.

For all I know they're just children's stories, though it was from those stories I got the name for my reconnaissance unit, I said.

We talked for several hours hitting on several subjects. I felt so comfortable with this man even though he was trying to hide something from me. I wondered just what he was hiding when he asked why it was magic was so hard for me to believe in.

What do you mean Chris? I'd believe in magic if there were such a thing. I'll make you a deal you give me irrefutable proof that magic does exist, and I'll start believing, I said.

You know I can't do that, no one could since all you need to do is say whatever it is just hasn't been proven scientifically, but for arguments sake lets use you. I know you are fully female right now, yet I also know, as Samuel you are fully male. If magic doesn't exist how is it you can so easily slip between genders? he asked.

I don't slip between genders. As Samuel my body is fully male as you suggest, and as Samantha it is fully female, but my gender doesn't change, Chris, I am always female gender whether I have a male body or a female body. Only my sex cha---nges... the light of magic started shining letting me know it was real and I was a magical creature. The memories of the past started clearing with the false memories fading and the truth coming out in the open.

Are you alright Sam? Chris asked.

I'm fi... you're the father of these two little girls aren't you? I asked.

I thought you already knew that, he said.

I think I've always known that, but I didn't want to believe it. Irene isn't coming back is she? I asked.

I don't think so. The night you met her in the bar she wanted you to take her home and meet the girls to see if you were Samantha. It wasn't until you took the girls to your sisters and started being yourself in front of them we knew for sure you were the one, though, he said.

What do you mean the one? I asked.

I mean the one who named them. When each of them were born the memory of someone telling me there names hit me like a train. Their names were the only names either Irene or I could think of. It took almost three months after Nicole was born for me to realize their names had been given to me even before Irene and I had married. Sam I didn't know your name only that you were the mother of these two girls in a way Irene never could be, she had been used simply as a broodmare, he said.

I can't believe I just heard you call Irene a broodmare. Are you really that insensitive, if so I'm not sure you're the man I hope for. What would I be another broodmare? Is that all women are to you Christopher? I asked.

I didn't mean that the way it might have sounded, he said.

I certainly hope not, I said.

I was angry and he knew it. I hated most religions because they thought the same way he sounded. Ellen had been nothing but a broodmare for the church I had been born into. Had I not been born with male genitals my sisters would have suffered the same fate mom had.

You had no magic before you were bitten, did you? I asked.

I don't know. I can't help thinking maybe I did since I gave up on religion long before I was bitten, he said.

I don't feel any magic in you aside from your blood magic as a vampire, the same magic the girls both have. I didn't understand something that happened when I first took the girls to meet my sister. She seemed genuinely terrified of them, I said.

She must be a very powerful witch to have been able to detect they are vampires. Neither of the girls have tasted blood yet, other than they like their meat cooked very rare, he said.

I hadn't even noticed. I got use to eating meat closer to raw than not since that was how we had it in the field most of the time due to not having fires. I thought Irene was going to have a fit the first time I cooked steaks and she cut into the one I fixed for her, I said.

I guess you found out she doesn't like any pink in her meat, he said.

She goes well beyond that. If it isn't burnt she won't eat it and didn't like that I wasn't willing to cook it past medium, I said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those smell good, Irene said.

There are enough you can have one if you want, I offered.

Thanks, the kids say you're almost as good as their father at cooking, she said.

I take it that's better than you are at cooking, I said.

Sam I can't even boil water without burning it, she said.

Well I need to mash the potatoes and dinner will be ready. I don't know how you like your meat cooked so I cooked all of them the same, the girls seem to think that's a little over cooked, but due to bacteria in butchered meat I don't dare cook it less, I said.

I mashed the potatoes and set everything on the table cutting the girls steaks into bite size pieces.

Irene sat across the table from me and took a large helping of potatoes and the smaller of the steaks leaving me the largest steak.

Each of the girls stuck a piece of steak in their mouth and I cut off a piece and stuck it in my mouth Irene ate about half of the potatoes she had taken before cutting her steak and found it cooked closer to raw than rare. The juices from the steak ran over getting soaked up by the potatoes and she had a fit.

It's still moving. This steak isn't even close to cooked, she complained.

Kathy, Nicole and I all laughed after Irene left the table when I told her I wouldn't destroy meat by over cooking it the way she wanted, that if she wanted her steaks burnt she would have to cook them herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You aren't a vampire, I'm sure if you were I would know it, Chris said.

I don't think I'm anything Chris. I can feel your blood magic, but I know I don't have anything like it. I'm sure if I were close enough to my sister right now I would be able to feel whatever kind of magic she claims to have, but I doubt I have that kind of magic either, I said.

So you think you have magic now? he asked.

I don't know. I'm not going to say magic doesn't exist, in a way you've shown me it does, but I still think it can be explained another way, I said.

I can accept that, at least for now, he said.

I'm glad you aren't going to try forcing me into believing something I'm just not sure of. I think it's okay for people to disagree on things as long as they are willing to not make a big deal over their disagreement. But you still haven't answered why you would have compared Irene to a broodmare, I said.

That was simply a very bad choice of words. When I married her I thought I loved her. I even tried to love her every time I came home on leave, but there was something between us that prevented me from every really loving her the way I wanted. I thought I should have been able to share my world with her, but she didn't have any interest in either my work or my nature. The only thing we ever had in common were those two beautiful little girls, he said.

And me? I asked.

Sam I've dreamed about you all my life even before I became a vampire I dreamed about you. I just didn't know who you were, he said.

When I first moved in here both girls said I was their dream mommy, they said it even before I let them see me as Samantha the first time. So tell me is Irene coming back? I asked.

To be honest I have no idea. According to my men she's been taking her things out of the house for the last couple months. I think she moved out since you were able to give the girls what she never could, he said.

I needed to find out if she still had anything in the house. The kitchen had been mine almost from the time I moved in. she had better pots and pans than I did so I hadn't brought mine with when I moved in. I didn't know if Kathy still had mine at her place or if Sarah had taken them, since I allowed Sarah to virtually help herself to anything I had at Kathy's.

I opened the master bedroom and found it empty except for the bed. I walking in the closet and again nothing but a few empty hangers. Each of the drawers of the built in dresser where also empty.

According to the girls and the neighbor she hadn't taken anything but a small suitcase when she left and she dropped the girls at the neighbors letting them know I should be home on time, and would pick the girls up when I got home.

I called Irene's mother and got the same thing I had from Chris that she had been moving her things out of the house for months and hadn't wanted anyone to tell me, hoping I'd be willing to take over the care of the girls when she left.

She was gone and from what everyone was saying she wasn't coming back. Chris knew me as Samantha as did Kathy. I hadn't said anything at work and hated the thought of telling them who I really am and having them tell me they could no longer use me because of it. I needed to escape the pressure I saw coming and just be myself and let everything else fall where it might. If I left my job I was sure I could find another where they didn't know about my past.

Chris if Irene is gone does that mean you'll be moving back to take care of the girls? I asked.

The girls need a mother more than they need me. From what I've been hearing, they need you Sam, he said.

I need to go talk to my sister. Chris I never asked for Irene to leave. I knew I was spending more time with the girls when I wasn't at work, but Irene spent all day with them while I was at work. I need to talk to Kathy about what I intend to do now, I said.

You don't feel ready to be a mother? he asked.

No, not really, I said.

Why don't you move your things into the master bedroom, even if Irene does come back I think you've earned the master bedroom. I know you've been paying her rent and buying most of the groceries, virtually all yours and the kids food. I know it's you the girls go to if they have a problem. Since this house is still in my name I want you to treat it as your own, he said.

I'm not sure how to take that, I said.

Irene had the house because of the girls. Because she didn't work and I wasn't able to be around much she had the girls full-time. I hadn't fought for custody because I knew caring for the girls was something I wasn't able to do since I was gone so much of the time, and she promised she would do several things she never did, like learn to cook so she could make sure the girls ate properly. From the time I moved out until you moved in the girls never had a home cooked meal. You're more a mother to them than Irene ever was, he said.

I took his hands in mine standing so close I had to look up to see in his eyes.

What are your feelings for me Chris? I'm not asking about Irene, nor am I asking about the girls. I want to know how you feel about me. Am I enough of a woman right now for you? I don't want to ever go back to being Samuel, but I can't risk everything I have if I have to wonder about my future, I said.

He pulled my hands behind my back because I refused to let go of his as he drew me into a hug that answered my question.

Sam I don't want you to ever have to worry about your future. I want to take care of you from now on. I want you to only ever be the person we both know you are, he said.

And who is that Chris? I asked.

My wife, at least I hope you'll consider becoming my wife, he said.

I want something a little more romantic than that before I'll answer that question, I said.

How about dinner at one of the most exclusive restaurants in town? he asked.

When? I asked.

I was thinking tonight, about seven, he said.

And what about the girls. That's rather short notice to find a baby sitter, I said.

He gave me a frustrated look.

I need to stop by mom and dads anyway, we can ask them while we're there, I said.

Have you got a dress? he asked.

Probably not. Even if I do I probable couldn't find it since I haven't got any idea what Sarah and mom took out of the boxes I have at Kathy's. I have one dress I love that's semi-formal, but for one of the more exclusive restaurants in town I want something better that isn't quite as worn, plus I'll need new shoes, I said.

He took a string out of his pocket and wrapped it around my finger making sure not to get it to tight, but not so loose it would fall off either.

I could only guess it was so he could get a ring the right size and lifted onto my toes to give him a kiss.

I feel like I've waited forever for this, I said.

I called the girls and asked how they felt about me being their mommy all the time and thought for sure I was going to get knocked off my feet with the excitement they showed.

I called Kathy's to see if Monday would be a good day to come by and get all the things I had at her house, and told her until the family dinner at mom and dads on Sunday I wasn't going to tell her, or anyone else what was going on, only that I needed to get the rest of the things I had including all the dresses and shoes I had left.

Sam you can't be serious. You've been so adamant that you wouldn't be taking all that stuff until you could finally be yourself, Kathy said.

Kathy please I'll be over Monday to get all my things out of your house if it won't be a problem. If it will, let me know no later than the family dinner so I know what I need to replace and what I don't, I said.

I didn't bother calling mom and dads. If they weren't there on the way to the mall they most likely would be on the way back.

I figured while we were out we might as well do a little grocery shopping as well and started going through the cupboards and fridge making a list.

If you want I can just add that to the shopping for my restaurant. It'll cost less and be higher quality that way.

I like to do my own shopping Chris, I said.

I was only trying to help, he said.

You're sure it wouldn't be a problem? I asked.

I can even have someone bring it over and put it away though you might need to do a little rearranging, he said.

If they deliver while we're out I would just as soon they just leave all the dry stuff on the table and put anything that needs to be refrigerated in the fridge or freezer however they can manage, I said.

You don't need any pots and pans do you? he asked.

I hope not I found the ones Irene had here were a lot better than the ones I had and there were pans here I didn't have. No I don't think I need any cookware, I said.

I handed him the list and he called the restaurant and gave the list to Jody, doubling some things I had on the list.

I appreciate that you want to help, but I do like to keep my kitchen in my own way, and I know what I have room for around here. I guess if I get rid of all the junk food Irene left behind I might be able to find room for everything, but even then it will be close, I said.

I'm sorry I'll leave a note for her to take anything perishable they can't fit in the fridge to the restaurant. Honest Sam I'm just trying to help, he said.

I know, and I really do appreciate your help in this. I know you're a great cook, but here at home the kitchen is mine not yours. Can you give me that much? I asked.

I can give you that much. I take it we're ready to go then? he asked.

We stopped at mom and dads first, I asked Chris and the girls to wait for me while I ran in and talked to mom and dad about watching the girls for the evening.

Dad, is anyone home? I called out.

Sam? Mom asked.

Mom I was wondering if you and dad had anything planned for the night? I asked.

Not really why? Mom asked.

I need a babysitter and was hoping you might be willing to watch Kathy and Nicole, I said.

When did you plan on bringing them by, and how late will you be in picking them up?" she asked.

I have a dinner date for seven and I don't know if my date has anything planned for after that. If not we should be able to be back no later than ten, I said.

Three hours to eat dinner? Mom asked.

He's taking me to an exclusive restaurant, I said.

He? Mom asked.

Yes mother he. He happens to be Kathy and Nicole's father, I said.

I hope you aren't planning on wearing that to an expensive restaurant, Mom said.

We're going shopping. If I happen to have an evening gown I wouldn't even begin to have a clue what box it would be in, beside I already told Kathy I wouldn't be over to pick up my things until Monday, I said.

We would be happy to watch them for you Sam, Dad said.

Thanks dad, I only have one request, please I don't want you talking about your church with them. They're good kids and we want to keep them good kids, they don't need the corruption of religion in their lives, I said.

The corruption of religion? Just who do you think you are to be talking about corruption? You weren't raised to be some two bit whore, yet that's exactly how you dress. Why can't you just be the man you were raised to be? Mom asked.

Dad can you make sure mom doesn't talk about her religion to my kids? If you can't I'll see if maybe Kathy can watch them, I said.

What if we come over to your place to watch the kids? Dad asked.

That's fine as long as your church stays out of my house, I said.

I promise Sam, Dad said.

Can I count on you to be there around six? And I do mean six mother, if you make me late for this dinner because you can't figure out that you don't need to dress up, this will be the last time I'll ever ask you for anything, and likely the last time you'll ever see my girls, I said.

I promise Sam we'll be there no later than six-thirty, will that do? Dad said.

Yes sir, that'll do just fine, Chris said.

Mom, dad I'd like you to meet Christopher Jacobs, father of my two beautiful little girls, I said.

It's a pleasure to meet you Christopher, Dad said holding out his hand to Chris.

The pleasure is all mine sir, Chris said.

You do know Sam's a male don't you Christopher? Mom asked.

Really, is that true Sam? Are you really a man playing at being a woman, or have you always been a woman who fooled a lot of people into believing you were a man? Chris asked.

So you know mother Chris knows my full history. He even knows about all the missions I did in the war and was even involved in some of them. For the record Chris is Major Christopher Jacobs, Rose company commander. I got a couple of the men that were in my White Rose unit from Chris, I said.

I guess that means you're gay then, Chris? Mom asked.

No ma'am it doesn't, it does however mean I am a vampire, and can only be killed by a stake through the heart, I can't even be out in sunlight, Chris said.

I smacked Chris for that little bit of vampire lore that is so obviously untrue.

You mean there really are such things as vampires? Mom asked as seriously as if she were asking about something important she hadn't been aware of.

No mother, in the sense Chris was saying there is no such thing as vampires. Chris likes to joke about things like that, as do most of the guys in special forces, I said.

I gave Chris a look that said I dared him to refute what I just said.

Sam's right ma'am vampires that can't be out in sunlight and can only be killed by a stake through the heart, don't really exist. It's just some things we saw in the war if you didn't learn to have a warped sense of humor like that it would drive you mad. It was by coming up with things like that from the old horror movies we were able to keep our sanity, Chris said.

I have no idea what you all went through over there. Sam refuses to talk about it, Dad said.

I refuse to talk about it because there is no way you can relate to the horrors we saw. Now if we are going to get our shopping done Chris we need to get going. Dad said it would be easier for them to abide the rules of no religion in front of the girls if they came to our place rather than us bringing the girls here. He also promised he would be there no later than six-thirty, I said.

Sam would it be okay if I talk with your dad for a couple minutes? It really shouldn't take long, Chris said.

His request wasn't really a request so much as his way of trying to be polite. I had no doubt if I said we needed to go again he would have waited to talk to dad until they got to the house later.

He was true to his word about it not taking long since we were on our way to the mall within fifteen minutes from the time I headed back to the car.

At the mall I started looking for a dress that fit me and Kathy pointed out a dress she liked.

May I help you ma'am? a salesclerk asked.

This dress I was hoping you might have it in a size four, I said.

I can check but I think we may have sold the last size four we had, she said.

I waited while she checked to see if she could find the dress in a size four. When she came back she was holding a different dress that was more of a pink rose color with a white rose lace around the neckline and hem. It had a white belt with a white rose buckle as well.

I'm afraid this is as close as we have and this seems to be the only dress close, she said.

I held the dress up studying it and decided I really needed to try it on to get an accurate feel for how it would look.

When I stepped out of the dressing room Chris was back from whatever it was he had gone off to do, and whistled at me making me blush.

I looked in the full length mirror and wanted to whistle as well. If I got this dress I would need to get my nails done and see about finding a white rose shoe or boot to go with.

I really hope you plan on getting that dress, Chris said.

Chris I would need new shoes for this dress, and also need to get my nails done, I said.

We might be able to get your hair done as well if you want, he offered.

No, because then I wouldn't be able to take a shower when we get home, and I really do need to take a shower before we go out, I said.

Okay, well at least get the dress and we'll see about shoes and nails as well, he said.

When I changed back into the clothes I arrived in I noticed the price tag and wanted to cry. There was no way I could justify paying that much for a dress no matter how much I liked it. I stepped out of the dressing room and hung the dress on a rack. I wanted the dress, but I just couldn't justify the price.

Where's the dress Sam? Chris asked.

Chris I can't. I want that dress, but the price is... even if it were half off it's more than I want to pay for a dress, I said.

Go get the dress Sam, if you won't I will. I don't know anyone who could do to that dress what you did, he said.

Chris I felt like a queen wearing that dress and seeing the price I'd need to be a queen to afford it, I said.

He stood there looking at me with a dare in his eyes. I had no idea the net worth of this man but if it was anywhere near what I thought this dress would tax even his ability to pay for it.

Kathy went back where I hung the dress on the rack and someone took it down and handed it to her. As soon as she had it she came back out and handed it to Chris rather than me. Never had I felt so betrayed. This little angel of mine was doing what she knew I was against and I wasn't sure why.

Go find your shoes to wear with this dress Sam. This is one time the girls will side with me over you. Even they know this dress is one you need, he said.

I gave Kathy what I hoped she would interpret as a hurt look and took her hand picking Nicole up and headed for the shoe department of the store we were in. I knew Chris would get the dress and even if he wasn't able to get the price down to something more reasonable he was going to buy it for me.

I found nothing even close to going with the dress, but didn't want to go somewhere else until Chris caught up with us.

So did you find anything? he asked.

No not really. I'd like to look somewhere else, I said.

It took a couple more hours and several stores before we finally found the right shoes to go with that white rose dress. Shoes that looked like they were made just for that dress. A three inch stiletto heeled sandal with straps that looked more like the branches of a rose bush than the leather they were made of. Over the toe were four white roses and miniature pink roses on the ankle strap. Chris didn't let me see the price tag on the shoes since he saw them first and just wanted to see what I thought before buying them for me.

I knew both girls needed tennis shoes and told him if he intended on spending so much on me he needed to consider spending a little on them as well. So they both got new shoes also at what I knew was a fraction of the cost of the shoes he just bought me.

We finished the shopping and headed for a nail salon. I don't remember ever feeling so happy being out with my two favorite girls and a man I truly adored, and new adored me as well.

Well excuse... Sam? I... I never expected to see you here, not dressed like that anyway, Sarah said.

I could say the same thing Sarah, since I know that dress happened to be in a box you weren't suppose to have been in, now I'm wondering just how many of the other things I had in that box are missing as well, I said.

Sam I never got in those boxes. Mom gave me this dress, and said she found it on one of her thrift store excursions. I swear Sam I never went through any of those boxes without Kathy being right there so she knew what I took and what boxes I looked through. If this dress was in one of your boxes, I'm sorry I really didn't know, she said.

It's alright Sarah, Kathy already told me it was mom who went through the boxes I set apart from the rest. She told me when I picked them up the day I introduced her to my two girls.

Sam I really didn't know, Sarah said.

Is asshole with you? I asked.

If you mean Gordon, this was his idea. I called Kathy about maybe looking through the boxes again and she said she wasn't going to be home and you already called saying you were going to pick up all your things on Monday, she said.

So he's finally going to spend his money on the kind of clothes you've been getting from me for the last couple years? I'm sure that doesn't make him very happy, I said.

Sam I need to get away from him. He's totally lost it and is dressing our son up like a girl in case he's anything like you. He said I'm not allowed to wear skirts that come below mid thigh and insists the dresses Erica, and Kurt wear are so short they're showing their lacy panties all the time, Sarah said.

Where are Erica and Kurt? Sarah if you want my help I need to know right now. I'll get you away from him right now, if you'll promise you won't go back. He won't change Sarah, he cares nothing about you or the kids only what you mean to him in the eyes of that church, I said.

He's in there with the kids trying to find a pair of stilettos for Erica. Sam I promise I won't go back to him if you can get my kids away from him, Sarah said.

I looked at the dress she was wearing and didn't remember it being so short and the hem seemed to drop to just a couple inches above her knees.

I want you to stay out here with Chris and my girls, I'll be right back with your kids and you can stay with us the rest of the time, I said.

Thank you Sam, she said.

I headed in the store Sarah indicated and saw Gordon sitting there holding Erica on his lap while some salesman was trying different shoes on her feet all of them with heels a child Erica's age should never have.

I have an idea asshole, how about rather than putting adult shoes on a child we dress you up as the sissy you are. Erica why don't you take Kurt and join your mother just outside the store, I said.

Gordon didn't try stopping Erica from getting off his lap or taking her brothers hand and walking out of the store.

"This isn't your turf Sam. The only reason I let them go out is because no one should