Dick Dialogues: A Spoof on Sex Narrated by a Funny Penis

By R Mohan

This is a book on sex education but the author, instead of making it boring and serious, has used a naughty penis to narrate the information with the help of allegories, puns, similes and adult jokes to drive the messages home -- do safe sex, don't worry about the size, no means no by a girl or a boy, being gay is okay and always respect your partner, a boy or girl. This is a unique book that is a hilarious spoof full of latest ADULT JOKES and yet full of serious information and knowledge about sex. In a way it is the "insider's realistic view" of sex, the pun intended.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483536095

Book preview

VARIED

PREFACE

Whenever I saw the play Vagina Monologues staged by many female actors, in many cities of USA, I was always perturbed by the cruelty and brutality the women have gone through the ages at the hands of men who believed in violence as the only way to get whatever they wanted. Now this is not sex, it is pure violence and the word rape is irrelevant. The perpetrators violated the women in every which way, including their vaginas. To me it seems they were not interested in sex and rape but wanted to just emasculate the victim.

I was also deeply disturbed by the men’s behavior. Where do these people come from? Is it the lack of education, especially sex education, that prompts these young and old men to do what they do to humiliate women or is it violence that is the undercurrent of this society that is deprived and frustrated in every which way.

Sexual violence seems to be a bigger problem in poor and developing countries where sex is still a taboo and the parents are not open enough to educate their children about sex. The problem is that with limited space and huge populations in those countries there is no personal space between human beings. And with that closeness it seems sex is happening everywhere – in the movies, on TV and radio (though only suggestive and through double entendre) and on the Youtube, behind the open window of your newly married neighbor, in your own two bedroom flat where parents are in one room and the kids in the other and when the father and mother engage in sex at night kids can hear almost everything. There are so many stray animals in the cities and small towns that it is not difficult to come across mating dogs or bulls and cows or in small towns, even donkeys. But the irony is that despite sex being so visible everywhere, there is no one who educates the teenagers so that they don’t have to learn it from their peers, who are equally naive.

The incident that pained me the most was the December 16th gang rape of an innocent young female medical student in India (the land of Kama Sutra) on a bus as it drove through the city. She was not only brutally raped but one of the uneducated rapists, who knew that police could use forensics to catch him through his semen he ejaculated inside the girl, took a rod, tied a cloth on one end and inserted it inside her to wipe out the evidence and with that he took half her stomach out, which eventually killed her. How stupid one can be? But when you have no sex education from your parents or in school, these kinds of incidents are bound to happen. It was so perturbing that I decided to write a book that does not cry and complain like vagina does in its monologues but tries to lighten the atmosphere by two-way dialogues between the dick and vagina and at the same time educate teenagers in today’s world.

So you can see writing this spoof was not fun for me. It was a painful process, but sometimes amusing, to show that the real responsibility for all that cruelty lies squarely with the man with no sex education and not his penis or dick, in the American slang. So I have tried, not to belittle the efforts in any way of the writer of the Vagina Monologues to draw the world’s attention to the ongoing brutality against women of the world, but to draw the attention of the same world that it is not the fault of the human dick, but of the man himself. I made it humorous because humour, sometimes, provides a different perspective and also helps in easing the pain away. Also with humor you can say things that you cannot say otherwise in a conservative society. So here you have my humble offer to ease the tension and lighten the atmosphere with humor -- Dick’s Dialogues, a spoof narrated by a penis itself!

I have divided my effort on educating innocent teenagers about sex into seven chapters, (may be because the international average size of the dick is seven inches) and I have devoted each chapter to one of the qualities of a smiling and happy dick. I have also sprinkled some really funny sex jokes to keep the readers laughing as they learn.

As everybody knows, the dick is a paradox. It is tough and yet flexible. It is stiffly flexible and flexibly stiff. Trust me when it is stiff, it is tough. But if you are good to the dick, it will do as you say and bend and flex to enter anywhere you want, into a pussy or an ass and even a loaf of bread, if you are just masturbating.

The dick is also confident and cocky, I mean the erect dick. The tired dick is always sullen and sloppy and looks like nothing more than a hurt ego hanging between the man’s two legs. But the positive thing about the dick is it is always ready to rise to the occasion, and that is its confidence.

Then I have a chapter called I am happy and gay. If you are so confident that you can rise to any occasion, of course you are going to be happy and gay. I know women love me, but I also know that some of them are jealous of me. Freud has called this penis jealousy. So the true love I get is from the gays who really love me and worship me, and although they already have one, they like me so much that they want one more.

Another chapter says that I am honest and vulnerable. I mean there is no doubt that I am honest, open, right in front of you. I have nothing to hide so I am not hidden either like vagina is. You know vagina can be deceitful and fake an orgasm by totally ignoring that fact that I am right there inside her watching that she is lying. I may have only one eye, but I am watching everything.

I am also powerful and philanthropic. Yes, I have the power of a brave soldier who can enter any fortress he wants to, but the problem is that I am also a celebrity and unfortunately I too have hangers on who always want to go with me wherever I go. And they make me so vulnerable that if they get seriously hurt, they can kill my master. Being a celebrity I am also philanthropic in the sense that I don’t mind donating my wealth for those men who don’t have enough to produce children on their own. I love it when in the theatre world they say a movie is like masturbating the dick and a stage play is like an actual intercourse.

One of the chapters notes that it is upright and worshipped. I mean you know that it always stands up for its beliefs and want to be upright all the time. That is why it is and has been worshipped in India as the Shiva Lingham, and also has been worshipped in the ancient times in Europe as a phallus god.

And lastly, it is vivid and varied. Of course, because it comes in various shapes and sizes. But in this chapter I have tried to convey the message that big is not always better. Women like it stiff for as long as they don’t ejaculate. So don’t worry about the size, worry about the stiffness and how long you can prolong it. Even the Vedas and Puranas say, there is nothing worse that leaving a vagina unsatisfied. Never ever force yourself on it, but if it says yes, then please don’t leave it hanging between satisfaction and frustration.

So please don’t misunderstand my effort because it is what it is -- just a spoof with lots of puns, allegories and similes, and of course, some of the new and forbidden information about sex, sex education and sexual ecstasy, and guess who my narrator is. Yes, you are right, who better than dick itself.

I AM TOUGH YET FLEXIBLE

Hi. I am Dick and yes, I am a paradox. I am stiffly flexible and flexibly stiff. I am sure you know the fact that it is not the dick, but the clit, which I call a mini-dick, that brings a woman to her climax. I mean I learnt it the very hard way. I don’t know how many beautiful girls and sexy ladies did not get orgasm because of my stupid pride. I used to think that I know everything and that they just start getting orgasms as soon as they see an erect dick. It was nothing but dick-shit (pun intended). This was my false pride and ego that blinded me. But as you will read in the next chapters, it is not totally my fault that the woman remains unsatisfied even as the dick reaches its climax. Right from the ancient times the people and the societies created a myth around me and a cult around me that I am better than the vagina. The fact is that there is nothing more beautiful than a vagina that looks like the flame of a candle and smells like a peach. I found one in the Netherlands. Man, I had never seen so perfect a vagina in my life. She was young, fresh and sexy and when I parted that peach’s lips and entered her hard but softly, it was heavens for me, and I am sure for my master too. But

Reviews for Dick Dialogues

[ravimohankhannagmail · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a unique book. It basically has three elements- literary humor with puns, allegories and funny similes; adult jokes; and sex education for every one. The author has dedicated it to "sexually naive men and never satisfied women" and I feel he has done justice to it. The book talks about different sexual positions, G-spots, Tantric Sex, Karezza and how to delay ejaculation. It also busts several myths about sex and tells us how DICK was and is worshipped and how it has inspired architectural designs. All in all it is a fun read with a lot of knowledge about sex.