What The Fuq?: Frequently Unanswered Questions About Sex

By Dr. Rajan, Dr. Minnu, Dr. Aman Bhonsle

What is it about sex, a universal biological function, that makes it so difficult to understand? As much a part of life as breathing and sleeping, it nevertheless remains a subject riddled with misconception and mystery. It binds as much as it destroys. Even today, social taboos prevent us from discussing sex openly, often leading to psycho-social and even medical conditions.

Hence this book. Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, Senior Sex Therapist & Family Counsellor, Dr. Minnu Bhonsle, Senior Psychotherapist & Marriage Counsellor, and Dr. Aman Bhonsle, Psychosocial Analyst and Youth Coach, field a comprehensive collection of Frequently Unanswered Questions about sex. Years of research and insight into human behaviour and sexuality make this trans-generational book like none other, presented in a format that is balanced between the male and female perspectives. It offers scientific and complete answers to every possible question about the polarizing and often trivialized issue of human sexuality.

This book is the one-stop, definitive reference for doctors, counsellors, parents, teachers, and individuals of all ages, orientations and faiths, and particularly those locked in silence. This is a book that binds us as human beings.

• Language: English
• Publisher: One Point Six Technologies Pvt Ltd
• Release date: Jan 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9789352011636

Dr. Rajan, Dr. Minnu, Dr. Aman Bhonsle

DR. RAJAN BHONSLE, India’s leading Sexologist, is also a prolific writer. He has authored six books and numerous articles on sex education, relationship dynamics, parenting and counselling. Founder-Director of Heart To Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, he is Head, Department of Sexual Medicine, KEM Hospital and Seth GS Medical College, Mumbai, and Dean, Institute of Human Technology.DR MINNU BHONSLE, Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Counsellor at Heart To Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, is an international Trainer in Client Centered Therapy, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, and Transactional Analysis. She has trained thousands of professionals worldwide and writes extensively on psycho-social and relationship issues.DR AMAN BHONSLE, MBA, Ph.D. is a Consulting Psychosocial Analyst, Youth Mentor and Relationship Counsellor at Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai. A trainer in Applied Transactional Analysis, he conducts workshops in Human Dynamics. He authors the popular Sunday column, ‘Sex in the City’, in the Free Press Journal.

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EARLY QUERIES

This section includes answers to Frequently Unanswered Questions (FUQs) that are asked by concerned parents, teachers and other caregivers. It includes questions about sexual concerns, confusions, worries, doubts, dilemmas and difficulties related to growing children – pre-adolescent, adolescent and teenage children

1

CHILDREN AND THEIR CURIOSITY ABOUT SEX

Q: I am a 25-year-old mother. I do not want to make any mistakes while parenting my 2-year-old son, therefore I need some guidance. I wish to know when exactly do children start becoming curious about sex?

A: Children are human beings and therefore sexual beings. All human beings are ‘normally’ sexual. From infancy, children have a natural curiosity about their own bodies, which is absolutely normal and healthy. It is difficult for parents to acknowledge this, just as it is tough for children to think of their parents as sexually active.

Young children often touch themselves when they are naked, such as in the bathtub or while being wiped and diapered. They have no modesty at this stage of their development. It is their parent's ‘reaction’ that suggests to them whether their actions are acceptable or not. Children should never be berated or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their own bodies. It is absolutely natural and normal for children to be interested in their own bodies. While some parents may casually choose to ignore self-touching, others may choose to acknowledge that, while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Parents can simply make it clear to children that they expect the child to keep that activity strictly private.

2

THE SEX TALK WITH KIDS

Q: I’m a mother of three growing children. They often ask me questions related to sex. I understand that I need to talk to them on the subject but I feel awkward. Why is it so uncomfortable for me to talk about sex with my own kids?

A: The majority of parents feel this way. It is not surprising. Invariably, the reasons are as follows:

Many of us have been taught that sex is ‘dirty’.

Many feel that talking about sex and sexuality is indecent, crude and uncultured.

Many simply fear they do not have the right answers.

It is hard to accept that our children are ‘sexual’.

It is even tougher to admit that we are sexual beings.

Some of us fear possible sexual feelings between us and our children.

But parents should be open with their children about their feelings. You can use an opening line like, ‘This is difficult for me to talk about. I never discussed these things with my own parents. But I want you to have someone to talk with, so feel free to ask me’.

Do not cover up your feelings or avoid the issue. That can make matters worse. Start a conversation, keep it going, and be open from the outset. Remember that information about sexuality is as important as food, shelter, protection and loving care. If you still feel your child has questions, then take your child for a sex education session by a trained sex educator.

3

WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

Q: What do I tell my 5-year-old daughter who asks me where babies come from? Is it too early to be talking about sex to such a young child? Should I subvert or avoid the topic? What should I do?

A: Depending on the age of the child, you can say that the babies grow from an egg (ovum) in the mother’s womb (uterus), pointing to your own abdomen, and taken out of a special place, called the ‘vagina’. There is absolutely no need to explain the act of intercourse and lovemaking as very young children will not understand the concept.

However, you can say that when a man and a woman marry and love one another, they like to be close to each other. Explain to them that the father’s sperm unites with the mother’s egg (ovum) and then the baby (foetus) begins to grow. Most children below the age of six will accept this explanation. Age-appropriate picture books on the subject can also be used as a teaching aid. Answer a child's question in a very matter-of-fact manner, and you will find that he/ she is satisfied with a little information at a time. Never dodge the question as it will give off the wrong message that a healthy talk about sex is dirty or wrong. This will unnecessarily heighten the curiosity of the child which will lead him/her to seek out information from the wrong sources like pornography and ill-informed immature friends at a later age.

4

CHILDREN PLAYING ‘DOCTOR’

Q: I was pretty horrified when I stumbled on my 51/2 year-old nephew playing ‘Doctor’ with my 4 year-old daughter and another friend. The game entailed showing each other their private parts. What should I do if I catch them playing ‘doctor’ again? I am scared that my daughter might be a victim of sexual abuse if I do not take the appropriate action now. How should I handle this situation?

A: Children from ages 4 to 6 years are most likely to play ‘doctor doctor’ with each other. Many parents get disturbed and overreact when they observe such behaviour. Loud and heavy-handed reprimanding is not the correct way to handle such a situation. Nor should the parents interpret this as immoral behaviour that will lead to promiscuity in the future. Often, the mere presence of a responsible adult is enough to cut short or halt the play. It is not difficult to direct your child's attention to another interesting activity without making a big deal out of it.

Subsequently, you can sit down with the child for a talk. You can explain that though you understand their curiosity and interest in their friend's body, people are expected to keep their bodies covered in the presence of others. In this manner you can set limits without making the child feel ashamed or guilty. This is also the right age to educate children about appropriate and inappropriate touch. Tell your child to tell you anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or odd. Explain they have a right to privacy and her body is her own. Clarify that no one has the right to touch her in a way that appears strange and unusual.Educate her that if anyone does so, she should assertivelytell that person to stop immediately and then report the matter to you as soon as possible.

5

ACCIDENTAL EXPOSURE TO SEX

Q: So my wife and I were having sex in our bedroom. Suddenly, our six-year-old entered the room and saw us. What were we supposed to do in such an awkward and embarrassing situation?

A: To prevent something like this from happening, I suggest you to lock your bedroom door every time you are going to engage in any type of love play. But if such a situation occurs, it would be most appropriate first to ask the child to leave the room gently yet firmly. Then, when you get yourselves decent and presentable, you could go out and have a talk with the child. You could explain that what the two of you were doing was loving each other sexually - a time of pleasure for a loving married couple. But it is private, so it made you uncomfortable. Allow the child to talk about his/her feelings and ask any questions he/she might have. If this type of accidental exposure is handled with care and openness, damage is not likely to result.

6

PENIS SIZE: A GROWING CONCERN

Q: My son is 12 years old. His height and weight is 5’ 3" and 54 Kgs. respectively. The size of his penis is 1.6 inches which is almost the same since the time of his birth. I spoke with my family doctor and he said that this is not a problem, but I am really worried. Is this normal?

A: Boys undergo rapid changes in their reproductive organs during adolescence. Adolescence usually starts around 12 or 13 years for boys. When it comes to developing secondary sexual characteristics, it is normal for everyone to be ‘different’. Each boy is different. Your son is just 12. The genitals begin to grow at age 12 and the process continues till the boy is 18. Do not jump to any conclusions till your son becomes 18 years old.

Avoid expressing your anxiety about the size of your son’s penis openly to him. It will make him unusually and unhealthily self-conscious and may induce an inferiority complex in him about his body and self-image.

ADOLESCENT SEXUAL DILEMMAS

This section includes answers to the FUQs (Frequently Unanswered Questions) about adolescent issues – their sexual concerns, confusions, worries, doubts, dilemmas and difficulties at this crucial age, when they hit puberty and start developing secondary sexual characteristics in response to hormones.

7

HIS VOICE IS CRACKING

Q: My son is 14 years old. His voice is cracking and he feels super awkward. How long will it take before he has an adult voice? Does this have something to do with his active sex glands?

A: Cracking of the voice is a definite indication that you are going through adolescence. The voice starts changing after the growth spurt commences at adolescence - normally around the age of 13, 14 or 15. What’s happening with you is natural and normal. It should settle in to your adult male voice in a few weeks’ time.

A boy’s voice becomes deeper and lower in pitch during adolescence because of the ‘testosterone’ hormone produced in the male testicles. This hormone makes the voice box (larynx) grow larger in size. As the vocal cords get longer and thicker, the voice becomes deeper.

The very first indication that your voice is changing is often an unexpected squeak or cracking of the voice while you are talking. Some adolescent boys find it awkward when their voice cracks, especially because it is so sudden and unpredictable. Their voice is normal one minute, but the very next minute it is high and squeaky. Other adolescent boys do not notice all that much when their voice begins changing. Even if your voice cracks a lot, don’t worry about it. Like other physical changes during adolescence, this too is perfectly natural and normal.

8

GIVE HIM PRIVACY

Q: I accidentally saw my 14-year-old son masturbating. It was disgusting! Ever since, whenever my husband and I are in bed, the visual of my son masturbating comes to mind and I get disturbed and super disgusted! I am unable to get involved in the sex act with my husband as a result of this episode. My interest in sex has declined severely ever since. My relation with my son is getting awkward and pretty messed up due to this. My son has no clue that I saw him ‘that way’. How do I fix this?

A: You need to understand two things:

Firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong if your son masturbates. Practically all boys at around this age masturbate. It is an absolutely harmless act. It helps them to organize their sexual urges and patiently wait for a heterosexual encounter while they are still growing towards becoming responsible and mature men. Science has proved that masturbation has no ill effects on one's body or sexual strength. It is only when a child is made to feel either guilty or fearful about the act, that it weakens him psychologically and affects his self-image.

Secondly, you seem to have a certain bias about sexual expression, which is filling you with ‘disgust’. There is nothing disgusting about self-pleasuring (masturbation), in private, without involving anyone else. At this age, your son’s secondary sexual characteristics are developing as an inevitable process of nature. He can find no better outlet than masturbation to vent his sexual urges. His behaviour is a manifestation of him growing independent, which is a signal to you that he is no longer your ‘baby-boy’ who is dependent on you for all his needs. As a mother, you need to learn to ‘let go’. Respect his growing independence and individuality. Love him for being a normal, growing, independent man.

Your intimate relationship with your husband is a totally different aspect of your life. It has nothing to do with you being a mother. See this objectively, and it will cease to interfere with your sexual relationship with your husband.

9

BREAST DEVELOPMENT AT ADOLESCENCE

Q: My teenage daughter is worried sick over the development of her breasts. She says she is embarrassed about the growth of her breasts and as a result has become abnormally self-conscious ever since she has started using bras. It also troubles her that her breasts are not growing in proportion to some of her friends and that they are uneven. Are there any exercises to increase the breast size? Please shed some light on the matter.

A: You may educate your daughter with the following information.

Some girls' breasts grow very slowly, while for others the growth is pretty fast. On an average, for the breasts to develop fully, it takes around 4 years; but some girls' breasts develop amply in less than 1 year, while other girls' can take as many as 6 years to develop breasts. All these variations are normal, and therefore one must not be over-concerned about the pace of development. If they are taking a long time to develop, one needs to be patient.

Breasts can also vary in shape and size. The shape and size of a girl’s breasts are determined by the genetic traits that she has inherited from her parents. The size also depends on the amount of fatty tissue in the breasts. There is practically nothing you can do about the way breasts appear. No exercise can actually augment or reduce breast size. Exercises work by building up muscle and there are no muscles in the breasts. Furthermore, one must know that all breast sizes (big and small) are equally fine for feeding babies. Moreover, one must not connect one’s self-esteem to breast size, as everyone’s physical attributes are unique.

Invariably all breasts grow unevenly. One breast may become a little bigger than the other one. In fact, no woman has both her breasts that are exactly the same size, but ordinarily this dissimilarity is not noticeable. The shapes of the nipples also vary widely. Some women's nipples instead of pointing out, turn inwards, and literally get sunk into the areola. This is known as ‘inverted nipples’.

Most girls come to like their breasts and see it as a sign of maturing. This is a healthy view towards one’s body. However, there are some girls who feel embarrassed when their breasts begin to grow.

Some girls feel awkward about their growing breasts because none of their friends have started to develop breasts. They lose their upright posture and sink in their chests. Others feel awkward if their breasts are smaller than other girls around them. Remember, that the pace of growth varies and one needs to welcome one’s own unique pattern and enter gracefully into womanhood.

10

AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIOPHILIA

Q: I recently read about some adolescents engaging in ‘autoerotic asphyxiophilia’ and one of them dying as a result of it? How can something like this be related to sex? Can you tell me more about it?

A: Inducing cerebral anoxia (oxygen deficiency in the brain through self-applied suffocation methods, while masturbating to orgasm), is known as ‘autoerotic asphyxiophilia’. Some people discover they can enhance arousal and orgasmic pleasure experience by blocking off their oxygen supply via suffocation or strangulation.

People who get addicted to this habit develop the paraphilia called ‘autoerotic asphyxiophilia’. Usually engaged in by adolescent boys, it almost always remains a secret until they die accidentally. That makes it a rather dangerous practice. It is estimated that between 500 and 1000 deaths occur annually in the U.S from this dangerous form of masturbation.

The hindrance of blood supply to the brain achieved by autoerotic asphyxiation understandably heightens sensations because the lack of oxygen and blood flow can induce lightheadedness, stupor, giddiness and exhilaration. It is also possible that the self-endangerment and helplessness that is inherent in this method also augments the person's sexual gratification. Naturally, this same self-endangerment that may provide excitement to a person indulging in autoerotic asphyxiation also dulls and impairs their judgment and self-control, often resulting in an accidental death

11

CEREBRAL PALSY AND MASTURBATION

Q: A friend of mine, a single mother, has a physically challenged son suffering from cerebral palsy. She wanted to know if it is OK for her to masturbate her son as he is unable to do so himself. Is it OK for relatives / siblings to help relieve sexual tension by masturbation? If not, what is the correct solution?

A: It is absolutely not advisable for relatives to masturbate a physically challenged person suffering from cerebral palsy. Only he can know his sexual needs, their nature and their intensity, if at all. His ability to understand his sexual needs and the necessity to relive his sexual needs cannot be assessed or guessed by anyone from the outside. He may or may not be experiencing any such need physiologically. If an erection is noticed in such an individual, it need not always be a sign of sexual arousal. An erection can happen in men periodically irrespective of their sexual urges. It may confuse and even torment the physically challenged person by attempting to masturbate him. This situation could also be taken advantage of by a sick relative who may have a fetish similar to paedophilia and may sexually abuse the child under the garb of relieving the child’s sexual tension. The sexual tension built in a person does get relieved naturally through periodic nocturnal emissions.

12

POSTPONING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

Q: As parents, how do we convince our teenager to get him/ her to postpone having sexual intercourse without sounding pedantic or preachy, or like we the parents are living in the dark ages?

A: Most parents wish their teenagers would wait to have sex till they are psychologically mature and have the emotional resources to manage relationships. It is important for parents to be able to convey this wish while communicating scientific information about sex and the consequences of partner sex. While we may encourage teenagers to postpone intercourse, the present reality is that many young people are tempted to become sexually active when their hormones are raging. So they must be prepared to protect themselves as and when they decide to engage in sexual activity, after having been fully and elaborately explained by the parents about ‘responsible’ sex.

Information about preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and the emotional repercussions of partner sex are vital to help a young adult make informed decisions.

‘Everybody is doing it’ is an age-old peer pressure tactic that applies to experimenting with drugs and alcohol as much as it does to experimenting with sex. Encourage your teenagers not to be taken in by it.

Many teenagers give up their virginity because of the ‘peer pressure’ of so-called friends, or ‘emotional blackmail’ from a boyfriend or girlfriend who might threaten to end the relationship if sex is not a part of it. It is important to consider whether such ‘friends’ are really friends who care about you, or whether they are provoking you to do what they probably do, so that they can ‘justify’ to themselves that ‘everyone’ does what they are doing when they engage in indiscriminate and irresponsible sexual behaviour.

Emotional blackmail would indicate that the person forcing you does not respect your wishes and therefore you should be wary of going ahead in such a relationship where the partner can go to any length to get one’s way. Ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship in which you are not respected, but are only ‘used’ as a means to an end.

Teenagers often say they have intercourse the first time because they are ‘curious’. Free and frank communication within the family about sexuality, can satisfy a teenager’s ‘curiosity’ and help him/her behave more responsibly while exploring