Dare to Dream Blue

By Latoya Danielle

After life’s perils have left their stench on Agape Jordan, she is on a quest to find out if there is a rainbow at the end of her storm. I invite you to travel this journey with Agape. Perhaps you will find yourself in her story or maybe cheer for her as she takes baby steps toward her destiny. I dare you to read!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 14, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483532349

Book preview

die.

¡Gracias!

I Am giving hugs, kisses and a big thank you to the women who either inspire me or whose womb jumped when I told them I was expecting my baby, my first seed, my heart, Dare to Dream Blue. By the way, this is not written in a particular order. Anne B., Anindya, Traci Newman, Mari Lynch, Michelle Weber, Auntie Nikki, Susan Hill, Spoon (inside joke) Hi Vera! First Lady (Monnique Danielle) and Kandi Girl!

I Am shouting thank you to the fella’s who either gave an example of a man, inspire me or whose spirit stirred when I told them mine was leaping with Blue Dreams. Brown Baby, Irven Hill, Terry, Wayne Lewis, Larry Darnell, My guardian Angel daddy, Anthony Farmer (Tony), Douglass Barron, Pastor Daren Barron & Professor, you might not know, but each of you has had a hand in developing the woman I am and have grown into.

I wouldn’t feel right without saying thank you, to the almost 24/7 Starbucks in San Lorenzo, CA, where I have spent many late nights to keep deadlines. Thank you for the Wi-Fi, atmosphere and cold-air to write! Thank you to the ever infamous and famous block that I lovingly refer to as Two-Foe, you will always have a special place in my heart; After all, I discovered and wrote my heart while living on this block. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, thank you to the nameless, faceless and voiceless people I watched (and eavesdropped on) endlessly to write Dare to Dream Blue. I’m sorry for staring and hear hustling, but I needed material! :) Oh that reminds me. This book is a work of fiction. The names and situations were changed to protect the innocent & guilty. You’re welcome with Agape love!

If there is anyone who feels they were left out of the thank you page, please send me an email, text, call or FB me or just tell me why and we’ll go from there, with love. – Latoya Danielle

A message from Latoya Danielle

I must confess this is the bravest story I have ever or will ever write. It has been my intention, in writing this quasi memoir, to write you a story of love, hope, faith, and redemption, but above all, LOVE. Of course there is a message I want to give the world in writing Agape’s story; in addition, as an author, I hope you enjoyed reading Agape’s story! :)

I am an artist and I’m sensitive...Never mind, #PhuckAHater’sOpinions #I’mGlorified and remember #Hatersgetbenched #SoDon’tdoit. Yes, I put hastags in. MY. Book. -Smiles and continues writing.

Many will say, I wrote this book for money; some will say, I wrote this book for fame; I will say, I wrote this book for God. I have learned many things, the most important, know your truth. And when you know your truth, be sure and hide it in the secret places of your heart, so that the enemy, be it satan, your mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, bloggers, journalist or the every popular person with a phuckin’ opinion, won’t have the power to alter what you know to be truth.

For other souls who’ve had to live this story, please always remember: The shame is not yours. The guilt is not yours. Don’t keep their secret. Forgiveness is the key to healing. Repeat these words with me: The shame is not mine. The guilt is not mine. I will not be silenced. I trust God to help me forgive. -Repeat until you believe it, speak the truth and forgive. –I’ll be praying for you.

Admitting the Truth

I Am going to burn this muthafuckin’ house down. The words flowed out of her mouth on a sound wave of soft and deadly frequencies. Her tight curls dyed a reddish-gold, fell into a bobby-pinned Mohawk, allowing her oval face with red-undertones to glow. Pink lipstick stained her full lips and an earring decorated the corner of her perfectly arched left eyebrow. She watched the woman who sat across from her intently.

Wow, those were strong words. How old were you? And what did you do once that thought came into your mind? The doctor moved slightly forward on her chair and waited to hear more.

The office they sat in held a chair, loveseat, bookshelf, and a small table with a kettle, which the doctor used to make Chamomile tea before the conversation began. One wall hung all her diplomas, including a PHD earned from Columbia University. Christine also studied alternative medicine and healing methods as denoted by certificates that hung next to her PHD. A statue of Buddha sat on a waist-high bookshelf between pink and yellow roses. The space was big enough for the claustrophobic not to panic yet intimate enough to feel like you’re sitting in a friend’s living room.

I was 14 and I burned the muthafuckin’ house down. The fuck you think!? Agape wondered if she had once again picked a stupid therapist.

Christine shifted her glasses so they fit properly on her face and responded with a simple Oh.

Yea, oh. Did shit just get real for you Doc? Agape said pissed.

The doctor was surprised. The young woman had the face of an angel yet, there was this anger.

If she couldn’t handle this simple shit, Agape thought, there was no way she would be able to survive the rest of my story. I might as well see if the bitch can hang now. She thought as she re-crossed her legs and planted herself more firmly into the love seat.

No, no, I can handle real just fine. I just thought you perhaps meant it as a metaphor, Christine said. It was clear the girl was suffering. Christine decided she would be a solid rock for her healing.

I mean what the fuck I say. Metaphors don’t get the point across like the truth, so if you ain’t ready for that, if you can’t handle the truth, edging closer to the doctor with each word, then you aint ready for me! Agape exclaimed, slamming her hand into her chest.

I can handle the truth Agape. The doctor met the young woman’s gaze with calm patience. Now, tell me, what brought you to me, why now? Christine questioned.

Looking into Agape’s face, Christine realized just how beautiful this woman was. She looked like she could transform from a warrior princess, to a model to a wife to a mother with the bat of her eyes. She was full of rage, but softness remained around her edges.

Broken. Isn’t that the reason everyone comes into this office, pay you a bunch of money and tell you his or her problems? Because they’re broken and expect you to fix them. Agape waited for her to answer.

You don’t expect me to fix you. Christine said confidently. The younger woman sat silent.

You are too independent and strong to lean too much on anyone. Let alone someone you just met. Why don’t we stop playing the guessing game? Your therapy will benefit you a lot more, and save you time, money and energy if you are honest. Christine leaned back and waited.

Agape knew she was right. She could no longer handle the world all by herself as she had done for so many years. Agape if she didn’t trust this Christine to help her lift this burden, she would continue to live her present in her past. Agape took a deep breath, held-her heart and started.

I’ve been fired from three jobs in the last year-and a-half and I momentarily drank myself into an alcoholic life. All in all, my life is out-of control. How’s that for honesty, Agape finished while making a snapping noise with her black stiletto nails.

Thank you for trusting me with your truth, the doctor said. We do have work to do. If you are willing to do the work, because you will have work to do outside of this office, alone, I feel like I can give you tools to help you move past the root cause of this chaos in your life. I want to help you to make a permanent change in your life. Can you agree to my terms? Christine waited for the Agape to make a decision.

Finally, Agape softly said, Yes. Closing her notebook, Christine began the real therapy.

Good. I know what the expression of your pain looks like, insecurity, drinking and maybe co-dependency. What I need to know is what started this behavior? And you do know, so don’t try and tell me you don’t. I need to know so that I can tailor your therapy around your needs. Tell me, what happened to Agape that made her feel like she wasn’t worthy to be treated with love and respect? What broke and who broke it? Christine waited with curiosity.

Agape seemed to shrink as Christine analyzed her. The woman who had so much fight inside of her moments ago was now a scared child imprisoned by her own perceptions. A cold silence permeated the room. Agape couldn’t allow those particular truths to escape her mouth. How do you say, even though I glitter, I’m not gold?

Agape. Waiting for her head to lift, why don’t we save that question for another day? Christine offered. Relief looked back at her.

This is a good place for us to close our introductory meeting. Does this time/day work for you or, Christine asked, indicating for Agape to fill in the blank day/time if it didn’t.

Yes, this time is cool, Agape answered mentally going through her schedule for next week.

Perfect. Now, I don’t usually say this on the first visit, Christine said, I like to get a feel for my clients first, but I’m moving with spirit. I want to pray for you. When a pierced eyebrow rose toward her, Christine said softly, Prayer helps Agape. Christine reached out and held Agape’s hands in her own and began.

Heavenly Father I come to You for guidance today. Please give me the words to use for Agape. I thank You in advance for all that You will do for her, all that You have done in her life and for Your direction as we embark on this journey of healing. After a brief moment, the doctor continued. I ask You to guide Agape in her life and protect her from the damning thoughts of her past that haunt her and steal her future. Show her that she was not an accident and You planned for her. Allow forgiveness, love and peace to pierce her heart and spill over into every area of her pain. Bless her with the understanding of the depth of Your love and allow Your unconditional love to dwell inside her heart until she rests with you in the Kingdom, in Jesus’ name. Amen."

Agape murmured. God, please free me from this pain in my heart, beckoning the healing of her Heavenly Father whom she hadn’t spoken too in over a decade.

I want you bring a list of ten of your happiest moments and ten of your unhappiest moments on your next visit. Christine instructed.

The homework begins already, Agape noted.

Oh yes; and they, the memories, can be anything no matter how big or small.

Okay doc, Agape said nonchalant.

Please don’t call me doc. Call me Christine or Chris. Doc makes me feel too formal, she said with a reassuring smile.

Okay, Chris. I’ll see you next week with the list. God, I hope this works. Agape said drained.

It will. Give it time. I’ll see you next week? Christine encouraged.

I’ll be here, with that promise, Agape gathered her things and headed home.

***

Agape didn’t remember pulling out of the doctor’s office or the 10-minute drive to West Oakland. Her mind finally clicked back on as she turned right from West Grand onto Chestnut better known as Two-Foe.

Yo, Gape, what’s up? How you doin’ mami?" A dark-skinned guy with deep hair-waves, skinny jeans and a form fitted T-shirt that read Oakland’s Finest asked as she hopped out of her forest green ’99 Toyota Solara. Most of the men from the neighborhood built the building Agape lived-in, surprisingly enough none of them ever lived inside.

Good good. Can’t complain. What’s good? Agape quizzed about the drama that was always unfolding on these four corners.

Shit been quiet. I’m waiting for these punk-ass-rent-a-cop ass niggas to get the fuck on with their piggish day, so a nigga can make some money before I pick up my son. They are killing my pockets right now. Eric said pissed about the missed opportunities that stood all around him.

Yea, they’ve been out here ever since that shooting two months ago. Agape said recollecting the third shoot-out she had seen in her life, two of them being on this corner.

Anyway, turning his attention to Agape, wassup wit you, when you gone give a nigga a chance, Eric asked displaying a beautiful set of white teeth.

Aye Eric, what’s good with the ganja, Agape quizzed attempting to change the subject. She hated being hollered at on this block. They all knew she was married and yet, the mentally disturbed still pursued. That’s no Bueno.

Yea aight. Eric said, putting her on notice that game recognizes game and she was dissing his advances It’s good on the ganja. At least she’s putting some money in my pocket. He thought.

Cool. Walk with me, Agape said and entered her loft-style apartment.

Eric began to break off pieces of that Sticky-Icky-Cali Mary Jane. How much you want.

A dub, Agape said while pulling a twenty from beneath her breast. She was happy to be able to smoke after the day she had.

Cool, I got you. You wanna match, Eric said more to her breasts than her face.

Naw, got work to do. Maybe next time though. You got a swisher for me? Agape asked.

I got you. You lucky I like you. I don’t do this for everybody, he said placing the berry colored wrapper in her hand, aight then ma. Eric said and headed for the door lead by Agape.

Let me know when you ready to upgrade. I’m not gone chase you, Eric said as a last attempt.

Softly, Agape said, promise, and smiled.

One of these days a nigga ain’t gone be around for yo ass. You would want to know what’s in front of you, Eric stated standing with his arms outstretched, so she could read his shirt if she hadn’t already.

Getting the hint, Agape replied, I’ll keep that in mind, and opened the door to let him out.

Eric walked out of her house not willing to risk his ego again. Agape stirred something on the inside of him every time he was around her but he couldn’t figure it out. She will be mine one day. He promised himself while hopping inside his BMW. He headed toward his son’s preschool while his mind travel back to Agape.

***

The following week Agape sat at the edge of her queen-sized bed completely dressed with keys in her hand but unable to move. She set the appointment with all intentions of going to see Christine, but now that the day had come she wasn’t sure if she still wanted to go through with it. Agape did feel slightly better after telling Christine she’d burned down the house, but she knew the doctor would want to know why; and, Agape knew Christine could sniff out a lie better than anybody she’d met. Plus Christine wasn’t afraid to call bullshit. The truth was fighting to get out, but Agape still wanted to keep it hidden. You can’t keep living like this. If you are ever going to move past that night, you will have to talk about it and you might as well do it with her. Unsure of what would happen, Agape reluctantly got off her bed and headed for the door.

Pulling up to the office, Agape took a deep breath and headed in side. After handing Christine the list of good and bad experiences, Agape sat down and waited to see how this would turn out. Christine surveyed the list and then asked again, Are you ready to tell me what caused you to be in my office? The reason wasn’t on the list and Christine wasn’t in the business to waste time.

Deciding she didn’t have anything else to loose, because as far as Agape was concerned, everything she cared about was already gone. She wouldn’t hold back anymore. On a fiery tongue, Agape straightly said, all right you want to know. From the time I was 7, my mother and father fucked me until I burned their muthafuckin’ house down. Agape looked the woman over for any sign of affect. Saw none, she continued.

Fucking freaks. I said fuck you Kenzo to my dad before setting the house on fire. Contemplating for a moment before she continued, He would sometimes hold me after, like he wanted me to find solace with him. Maybe he just wanted to make sure the candy was still there waiting for candy man. I hated him when he would hold me, but it was hard to hate him too because sometimes, I was glad he could see I needed him. In the end, every time he left, I would hate myself for needing him. Tears began to well in her eyes. Right on the verge of falling out, but not one tear fell. Sitting there with Christine, Agape’s mind, body and spirit returned to being the girl who craved her family more than air, but was given stone.

Christine was silent for a while, making sure Agape said everything she wanted to say. Finally, she said, Agape, most of my clients find it hard to accept what I’m about to say to you; nonetheless, it is the truth. Seeing the woman needed someone to show her compassion, Christine took Agape’s hand in her own and said, It is normal for you to have wanted your father to comfort you after the abuse. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting comfort from him. In fact, your actions tell me what a strong little girl you were, who grew into an even stronger woman. It’s also normal if what your mother or father did to you, if the touching felt good to your body. Christine said the last sentence carefully and slowly, waiting to see what sign this woman would give her letting her know that her words registered.

Agape’s face was suddenly bright red, like someone slapped her across both cheeks and left without being seen. Agape searched Christine’s face looking for a liar, but only saw truth.

After a pregnant silence, the therapist asked, Were you the only child in the house?

"No. I have a brother, Kenzo