Bish, Bash, Comedy Dash

By Paul John Howard

Bish, bash, comedy dash is a gaggle of original comedy sketches to entertain and make you laugh. The proceeds from the book will go towards funding my teenage son's personality transplant, something that might make him a bit more chipper in life. You can tell when you're getting old when your Calvin Klein boxer shorts suddenly become Calvin Deklein. Please don't decline purchasing my book, as you never know what wonders might lay within. Every sketch might be potential gold, or silver, bronze, or maybe, copper, there's only one way to find out, and that's to come and take a look in my sketch book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paul John Howard
• Release date: Jun 17, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310546730

Paul John Howard

I am a 50 year old writer from England. I have a selection of screenplays, stage plays and comedy I shall be posting on Smash words in the future. From action thrillers to Science Fiction, 10 minute plays, to one act plays, I have a vast range of material waiting for conversion to eBooks. Smash words is an excellent channel for a writer's work, it gives the opportunity to get work out there that might struggle to get interest from publishers or film makers in this current recession. The main duty of a writer is to entertain,hopefully something my work manages to do.

Book preview

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VOICE-OVER

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FROM BARNSLEY

LIST OF CHARACTERS

ELSIE = Woman, medium build, 35 years old, heavily made up face.

ROSE = Woman, big built, 38 years old, heavily made up face.

EXT. BENCH, HASTINGS SEA FRONT – DAY

Elsie and Rose sit talking.

ELSIE

This is nice, but I prefer Scarborough. Scarborough is a proper seaside town, none of this namby-pamby Southern rubbish.

ROSE

Hastings; Normans came ashore here, probably gave up on the place when they realized there was no club life.

ELSIE

I went across crossing t’other day when light was green, car almost killed me. I told Billy, ‘We’re from Barnsley, cars stop for us, not us for them.’ Billy remembered that lesson when he came out of hospital after car hit him.

Hospital was no better. Namby-pamby hospital full of Southerners.

ROSE

The sea’s no better. Namby-pamby Southern sea, polluted by French power stations. Up North the air is as clear as a vicar’s conscience.

ELSIE

Have you seen the fish and chips? In Barnsley we know how to make fish and chips. Beer batter coating, big cod you can sink your teeth into. Southern cod’s like a goldfish, chips wishy-washy and drooping like grandma’s tits.

ROSE

I went to Brighton t’other day, most of them don’t know if they’re Mark or Martha. Then there’s that nudist beach. Fellows look like coat hangers, not an ounce of meat on them.

ELSIE

Asked for a tea at seaside cafe; price of cup, thought I’d put in an offer on the place. When I order tea, it’s meant to look like tea, not like dregs of washing up water. Tasted like pig swill, wishy-washy tea, served in an