Kosher Lust: Love Is Not the Answer

By Shmuley Boteach

Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Boy and girl enjoy the sparks in the early years, but eventually settle into a comfortable friendship, and all passion disappears from their marriage. That’s just the way it goes, right? As many as one in three long-term marriages in America are sexless, and most people accept this as the inevitable course of a romantic relationship. In this groundbreaking book, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach explains why the prioritizing of love and companionship in marriage is all wrong, and why we should not go quietly into that dark night of celibate marriage. It is not love, Rabbi Shmuley shows, but lust that is the glue of a marriage. In this book you will learn how to restore lust to its rightful place as the central pillar of marriage. You will learn about the three principles of lust, and how to tap into them to keep the flames burning in the family hearth. Finally, you will discover the incredible emotional and spiritual potential of the intimate marital bond. In a wide-ranging discussion that plumbs the depths of the erotic mind, Rabbi Shmuley delivers a revolutionary message with the power to completely transform your most important relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gefen Publishing House
• Release date: May 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9789652297204

Reviews for Kosher Lust

[divinemissw · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

This is one sad book. Sounds like it was written by a sexually frustrated old man who is looking to get laid. I get the idea, but I certainly don't agree with the premise. Keeps repeating the same stuff, over and over, Total Waste Of Time!!

[elladorien · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Kosher Lust features a somewhat unsettling premise that most sexual relationships in marriages are not fulfilling. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach backs this up with "research" and anecdotal evidence. Whether one believes in marriages and traditional roles therein, or not, this book is likely to make one assess their own situation. Initially I was intrigued by the author's reasoning's, but he lost me when he got to the biblical explanations and things continued to drag on for a bit. However, it was readable and most certainly "lighter" than other books on these topics.

[lilac_lily01 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Kosher Lust is basically a self help book for couples who have fallen out of lust. The author Rabbi Boteach explains that lust-and not just love is vital to a successful marriage. Unfortunately, many couples loose the lustful aspect as the years go by. Reason for that according to Boteach is that husbands stop wooing their wives and actually start seeing them mostly as a housekeepers and nannys. At the same time wives stop making their husbands feel needed and that in essence leads to a loss of libido. This book is a little short on practical advice but I enjoyed the theoretical exploration of this sensitive topic.

[snowangel51 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Let me begin by saying that I am a Christian, so that may color my review somewhat differently. I did learn a lot about the Jewish faith's views regarding sex and romance. That was actually the most interesting part for me. The book only seemed to have one predominate idea: that love and lust are very different things, and we most often fall out of lust before we fall out of love. As a Christian, I would prefer to use a different word, not lust, which feels like an undesirable emotion. I would prefer "intimate desire" or deep desire". It was a small book, but there really was no other new information here. There was some incorrect Information about sex addiction, it is now in the DSM and is not " just a tawdry cover up" but a real disorder. The one thing I did not like was the constant use of excerpts. It was merely a repeat of the information on the same page. It didn't serve any purpose in this case, other than to make the book seem longer. It would have been a terrific magazine article, but not a book

[ginleer-1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I like the idea that lust in a relationship is important but that could have been said in one chapter . I found it difficult to stay with this book until the end. As someone who has been in a loving , lustful relationship for fifty plus years.I understand what he was trying to say.but did he need to repeat the same thing over and over

[psychomamma · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I actually liked the premise of this book, but I also didn't like it and not too sure why. I think I don't like the arrogance of the writer (or at least that's how it came across to me). As a therapist myself, I always have a hard time taking a hard line on any issue. My answer to most things is "it depends". There are so many different reasons why a couple might be having problems, that I cringe to hear someone say "this is the answer always and forever."Still, as a couples therapist, I have to agree with Rabbi Boteach that lust has really been given short shrift in American marriages. I have seen many, many couples who get along fine and are good friends but just aren't interested in each other anymore. And let's face it, if you meet someone you don't want to have sex with, they don't go in the marriage category, they go in the 'friend' category. So if this is a crucial aspect of marriage, why can't we seem to keep it and what do we do about it? I agree that lust derives from unavailability, mystery and a sense of forbidenness -- all of which marriage kills. I wish he would have spent more time with practical suggestions of how to cultivate these things in a marriage. But all in all, there are some good points made here.

[hippielunatic · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Coming from the perspective of a once-divorced, now in a second (and open) marriage, Kosher Lust pinpointed many of my needs and explained rationally some of my actions in relationships.There were moments of clarity, with a helpful use of examples from Boteach's practice, that outlined why lust is so important in a long relationship.This book is a helpful guide to anyone interested in maintaining passion in their relationship long term. While each reader may have a different perspective from that of the Jewish writer, the concepts are universal, in my opinion.

[osbaldistone · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Kosher Lust is a refreshingly open discussion about a topic that is, for most folks, often as difficult to talk about in a marriage as in the public sphere. Boteach makes a strong case, built on practical observation and Biblical texts, for the importance (even centrality) of lust in a healthy, long-term marriage. I came away mostly in agreement with his conclusions, even though I sometimes felt that he was stretching the applicability of these observation and texts; but, I don't think the author's intent is to provide a thorough theological or scientific case for the importance of lust in a marriage. His examples are not unreasonable, and his conclusions 'feel' right, even though most folks probably never gave much thought to the role lust has to play in a marriage.It is quite likely that, from the examples given of couples on the ropes, many readers will recognize the seeds of trouble in their own relationships, and, once identified, have some grasp of how to respond. Kosher Lust is heavy on causes and examples of the lack of 'spark' in a marriage, but seems somewhat light on specific actions to address it. There are some specific suggestions, but it seems almost as if the writer is hesitant to get too specific about one aspect of marriage that, at least in the West, 'nice' people don't talk about. Nevertheless, there is plenty of foundational material here for a couple to build upon once they buy into the centrality of lust in a healthy, life-long marriage.Kosher Lust, as with other of Boteach's works, is a highly readable self-help guide that gives the reader permission to take active steps towards improving what may have become an all too comfortable and perhaps even threatened relationship. Read it if you're a newlywed; read it if you've just started growing your family; read it if you're wondering why sex has become a rarity in your 'happy', long-term marriage.Os.

[jeanie1_1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This book did not interest me. I tried to read it line for line, but ended up skipping through and just reading first sentances of most of the paragraphs. I tried hard to pay attention but could not. meh.

[yuletopia · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Kosher Lust: Love is Not the Answer is a positive addition to the genre of self-help relationship books. The basic premise of this work is that what women need from their husbands is their desire, and what men desire from their wives is to feel understood and needed. Rabbi Boteach is clear that love and companionship are also very important components of the marital relationship. But I believe the point he is making is that this is not where most marriages are failing. It is the disappearance of lust that drives spouses into physical and emotional affairs.His solution, therefore, is to keep the fires stoked in the marital relationship. I had to deduct a star, because I did not feel that he offered enough practical examples of how to accomplish this. I'd like to mention also that I have no Jewish ancestry, but still found this book to be a worthwhile and pleasurable read. It seems that Kosher Lust could be an interesting starting point to get long-term couples talking about the different facets of their relationship. The ability of this book to shine a light on, and get marital partners to think about, ways to avoid stagnation will make it worth the purchase price.

[cissa_5 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This is an odd book- though it seems to be a volume in a series by Boteach, all with similar messages. I think they are designed to preach to the choir, and I am not a member of this particular choir.I can in some ways see his point. In most solid marriages I know- ones lasting over 10 years, and looking to continue- the partners pass through times of passion and times of intimate companionship. Both are good! and that's part of what he is saying.However, I do not think lust will take you through times of no friendship; what i see is that friendship takes you through times of minimal lust. If lust is the glue- I think more marriages would fall apart, not fewer; in fact, I think that's what's happening.It doesn't help that Boteach is a gender essentialist. Men- ALL men- want X. Women- ALL women- want Y. (What about GLBT? Not acknowledged.) Men want to PURSUE. Women want to be DESIRED. He says, straight out, that when a man pursues a woman, she cannot help but respond positively- as if stalking and sexual harassment never happen! not to mention rape! In fact, one of his polished examples of how women succumb to persistent men looks a lot like sexual harassment and/or rape to me, especially since the woman's HUSBAND got one of his students to pursue her in order to win an argument. She killed herself. He did get run out of town, apparently, but his horrible betrayal was smoothed over.And it's a Venus and Mars thing, too, because men need nurturing! Doesn't matter if they are attacking their woives- it's HER job to nurture him enough to get over this! Uh-huh.Add some gratuitous feminism bashing, a quote that "supports" his POV from the Malleus Maleficiorum...Also- apparently a key to lust is that it be sinful. He tiptoes around this, trying to make it seem more benign- but if lust is key, and lust is of necessity sinful- then marital relationships look hopeless, despite hit attempts at tricks to finesse that.Also, some of his Scriptural references seem off. Example: Commandment 10 of the 10 Commandments: he truncates this at "Though shalt not covet they neighbor's wife.." and uses this as a way to argue that thou SHALT covet thy own wife. Except that the verse continues "or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's". So- the man should be coveting his own servants and livestock???These are content-based objections.I also want to say that this is a highly repetitive book. In almost every chapter, Boteach says the same thing over and over and over, without going into any new ground that would perhaps address the discrepancies between his teachings and actual human behavior.Now- it does seem he's aiming this mostly at Orthodox Jews, which I am not. However, I am not convinced.I think sex and sexuality have an important place in marriage. This approach, though, didn't convince me at all- plus it seemed to gloss over some serious issues.I got this book to review through LibraryThing.

[keith.benjamin · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

The collision between traditional Judaic thought and postmodernism laced with a dose of popular psychology made this book fall very flat for me. There were a few points that I could agree with, but the overall tone and message missed the mark. While the author obviously attempts to create a paradigm shift in readers' thoughts by using provocative terminology and redefining it to fit his meaning (as seen by the titles of his other books), this book has a huge risk for doing exactly what he speaks against in the final chapter: a focus on an imagined better experience that sows seeds of discontent.While much of the author's conclusion admits that there must be both phileo and eros love growing and thriving to maintain a healthy marriage, to elevate eros so highly is to invalidate other aspects of the marital relationship. In addition, the lengthy discussion of three aspects of eros (which the author describes as lust) as being inherently unavailable, mysterious, and sinful, and proposing how to include those in marriage does not give the reader a full understanding of God's intent when He said "It is not good for man to be alone."I can agree that women long to be pursued; I can also agree that men long to be validated. I can agree that one of the healthiest things we can do for all of our male-female relationships and especially marriage is to return to some of the more modest and traditional distinctions in the male/female roles. However, that is about all of my agreement with this book.

[mossagate · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I don't normally read the self help genre but took and chance and received this as part of LibraryThing's Early Reviewers program. Imagine my surprise at how great this was written, and the ideas that are posited being so interesting. I'm not religious, but even so I found those passages pointing to bits of the bible quite enlightening and I like they way the author interprets and explains. The only thing I could see being a draw back is the lack of detailed advice towards the end of the book. The how to portion was a little vague so I could see issues with that for some people. All in all, very glad I took the chance.