Defining Grace

By B. A. (Beverly) Smith

Author's Note: All characters are the age of adulthood (18 years) or older.
I am taking on my lifelong challenge. A problem that has plagued me for it seems all of my years, which I must agree has not been a great many years, but that is of little help to me. Does everyone else know who they are in this life?
I feel like I am the only one who needs to question everything, things my friends have never asked themselves I am sure. For the few times I have asked even nonchalantly the response that I get is a laugh or a look of confusion along with “you are so silly, or weird, or strange”. They all think they know who I am. Somehow I find this sickly amusing; since I don’t know this about myself.

Questions without answers, keep taunting me.
Including where do I turn for some clarity?
More problems and questions than a math book, some have said;
usually followed with a placating “settle down Red”.
A journey of discovery, some may say, is for freaks.
These same wise souls also say “Tread carefully, Miss.
What happens when you find what you think you seek?’
I do not know, just another question to add to the list I guess.
To start with now I will turn to you.
You will help me sort this through, won’t you?

• Language: English
• Publisher: B. A. (Beverly) Smith
• Release date: Dec 16, 2013
• ISBN: 9781310903663

B. A. (Beverly) Smith

Hello. I am Beverly. A normal woman in a hectic world; sometimes "Super" at other times "Wonder” Woman.My main job titles include Mother, Grandmother and wife of over 28 years. Secondary titles (though less formal, still of utmost importance) include Domestic Engineer and Hearth Manager; not to mention that I am a master at juggling.Professionally I am a Registered Nurse, specializing in psychiatric nursing with over 30 years of experience in helping people in crisis. This "calling" started with a degree in Psychology from VPI&SU in 1981. This was combined with a RN degree in 1992 and advanced into the specialty with ANCC certification in Mental Health and Mental Illness in 1995.I have worked in many professional areas over the years including medical hospitals (general medical and cardiac care), counseling, mental hospitals, and home health. The specific job titles have varied, including Psychiatric Nurse, RN Clinician, and Behavioral Nurse Specialist. By far the most intense experiences came from over 15 years working in a state-run mental institution in areas of Detox, Substance Abuse, Adolescence, and Acute Admissions. The most challenging experiences came from Psychiatric Home Health Nursing.Hobbies (when time allows) include Music, Cooking, Art, crafts, photography, physical fitness, volleyball/softball and raising northern breeds Siberian Huskies and American Eskimos.Writing has been a lifelong passion. It is something that I am compelled to do. Whether writing fiction, poetry, or a professional in-service the enjoyment I get is the same. So many stories clamoring for attention, impatiently waiting to be told.

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Defining Grace

By B. A. Smith

Copyright 2013 B. A. Smith

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Defining Grace

Introduction

I am taking on my lifelong challenge. A problem that has plagued me for it seems all of my years, which I must agree has not been a great many years, but that is of little help to me. Does everyone else know who they are in this life?

I feel like I am the only one who needs to question everything, things my friends have never asked themselves I am sure. For the few times I have asked even nonchalantly the response that I get is a laugh or a look of confusion along with you are so silly, or weird, or strange. They all think they know who I am. Somehow I find this sickly amusing; since I don’t know this about myself.

Questions without answers, keep taunting me.

Including where do I turn for some clarity?

More problems and questions than a math book, some have said;

usually followed with a placating settle down Red.

A journey of discovery, some may say, is for freaks.

These same wise souls also say "Tread carefully, Miss.

What happens when you find what you think you seek?’

I do not know, just another question to add to the list I guess.

To start with now I will turn to you.

You will help me sort this through, won’t you?

* * * * *

Chapter 1 Mary Who?

How is it possible not to know,

to not have a clue you must be slow.

Not be able to say for sure

that you know who you truly are.

In a fairy tale I would a princess be

A warrior of the overlord won severe brain injury,

Or in witness protection from the time I was one,

Or an alien born in Area 51.

The only thing I know for sure right now

Is that I really don’t know who Mary Grace is at all

I am determined to figure it out; I vow.

The secrets whisper louder their call.

* * * * *

Chapter 2 Where to start

Let’s start at the beginning, maybe you can see

If there is something wrong with me

Maybe you could even give an assist

To help me tame my building tempest.

Not so much a lost girl in a rough world,

I have always had the Midas touch.

Having anything to stymie me has not occurred much.

But this core question has me in a whirl.

I have never really felt that I belonged,

always something missing, a big chunk of me gone.

So, Hi. I have 2 middle names, Mary Grace.

My last I will not mention for now

it is the one that changes, not at my base.

It just feels like for now I should keep it secret, somehow.

I am called MG or any combination of Rose Mary Grace

I hope that you can help me find my place.

So many questions, visions of the past

Where do I come from, when was my die cast?

Where do I belong? What is the right way to sort all this out?

My family I feel more and more I know so little about.

Should I start there or go back through a timeline,

Which would give me the straightest road, clear and fine?

This is just another thing that I don’t know.

I no longer care if I reel from the blow.

Start at the beginning, Newt says

And my heart cries out: I don’t know where that is!

So what do you do when that is the case?

"Then start where you want to, it’s your delusions you chase.

Just don’t forget the real world out here would like you to join in.

You can spend too much time poking around inside your skin".

Ok smart guy

so you tell me why,

I sometimes talk all in rhymes.

I do it without thought so very much of the time.

And oddities of speech, very lyrical to the ear

As if someone else was speaking through you dear.

The words they fall unbidden,

Whispered or aloud, from my lips.

The sharp retorts, odd humor, and quips.

In these I’m sure old secrets are hidden.

So my challenge lies before me

No shirking its call

Open up my eyes to see

I have mysteries to solve

Time to focus and buckle down

No better time to start than right now

Whatever the answers are, if they exist

I will welcome them and hope to put this to rest.

Closure is the word that pops in my brain

Yes, some closure would be just the right thing.

* * * * *

Chapter 3 Family

I really am trying not to speak everything in rhyme,

Yet I expect that will continue over time.

I will try to tone it down some, softer and unformed,

there still will be incidents of verse, some deformed

I write it as it flows, I write for me.

So if it bothers you feel free to leave.

I hear that it irritates others at times.

Well what do you think it is like in my mind?

So many paths, breadcrumb trails it seems. I must start before all the choices and inertia bog me down. Where do I start? In my head I hear There will be a sign. Yea, I think, it better be big, really big and in neon lights. And while I was busy disbelieving that voice, a friend from class came up and had this to say:

Your family are your roots, check your family tree.

I never stopped to question why he said that to me.

Does my confusion swirl around me in visible wisps