Butchering The Bible Part One: Hollow Be Thy Name

By Rafael Paulino

In a world where the greater part of the people believe in ancient tribal fairy tales, one man will take the sharp, pointy edge of his wit, and cut the “Holy” Bible’s antiquated English down to size.

(Insert clips of kick-ass action sequences)

From the atheist who brought you some more books in the future – which you do not yet remember, because you’re still living in the past – comes the first in a series of books based on the greatest collection of fables ever told, as recounted by a man who thinks that they are full of crap.

(Insert more action clips, plus some people making out)

This spring... empires will rise... God-Bombs will fall... prophets will get to know their family members much better than we ever wanted them to... and the Boots of Logic will run roughshod all over your fond childhood memories of all the biblical tales that you’ve probably never even read.

So sit back... grab a cold one... and prepare to see your favorite religion get kicked in the Baals.

Last Updated: January 15, 2018

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rafael Paulino
• Release date: Mar 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310067686

Book preview

PART ONE

Hollow Be Thy Name

Copyright 2014 Rafael Paulino

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Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has; it never comes to the aid of spiritual things, but—more frequently than not—struggles against the divine Word, treating with contempt all that emanates from God.

Martin Luther

Table Talk (1569), pg. 353

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Introduction

THE BOOK OF GENESIS

The Creation

The Garden

The Fall

Cain and Abel

Cain’s Lineage

Seth’s Lineage

The Flood

The Covenant

Lineages from Noah

The Tower of Babel

Abram in Egypt

Abram vs Lot

Abram to the Rescue

Vision and Dream

Hagar the Maid

Abram becomes Abraham

Abraham meets with The Lord

Sodom and Gomorrah

Abraham in Gerar

Exile and Vow

A Burnt Offering

Lineage and Cave

Retrieving Rebekah

Abraham’s Other Sons

Jacob and Esau

Isaac Travels

Jacob and Esau II

Looking for Wives

Jacob and his Wives

Jacob Steals Away

Jacob and Esau III

The Shechem Incident

Birth and Deaths

Assorted Lineages

Ego Tripping

Judah’s Family Troubles

Joseph Slaves Away

Prison Blues

Joseph Moves On Up

Joseph and the Spies

When Joseph Met Benjamin

Israel comes to Egypt

Joseph the Real Estate Agent

The Last Days of Israel

Like Father, Like Son

THE BOOK OF EXODUS

Population Control

Moses Floats

Moses Flees

Moses Listens

Moses Returns

Lineages to Moses

Contests and Plagues

The Passover Massacre

Running for the Border

Crossing the Red Sea

Praise the Lord

Flesh and Manna

That Thing with the Water

When Amalekites Attack

Wise Counsel

The (First) Ten Commandments

Some More Commandments

Even More Commandments

Commandments by the Pound

Moses Climbs

Ark and Tabernacle

The Golden Calf

The Lord Stops By

The Ten Commandments 2.0

Consecration

THE BOOK OF LEVITICUS

The Lord’s Offerings

Strange Fire

Selective Predation

Afterbirth

Leaping Lepers

Other Issues

Introducing Mr. Yearly Scapegoat

At Your Own Risk

The Late-Breaking Commandments

Maintaining Purity

Offering Rules

Feast Regulations

Stone Hard

Property Values

Carrot and the Big Stick

God and Taxes

THE BOOK OF NUMBERS

And Counting

Cleaning House

Separation Anxiety

Blood Offerings

God’s Butlers

Up In Smoke

Marching Orders

The Mid-Day Meat Train

The Lord Smacketh Down

Among Giants

Breach of Promise

Offering Recipes

Stone Hard 2: Stone Harder

Down from the Sky

The Blooming Rod

Of Heifer and Ash

Once More with the Water

Aaron pays the Piper

Passing the Time

The Mouth of the Ass

The Parrot of God

Whoredom in Moab

Random Census

Inheritance

The Mammalian Death Toll

Vow before God

Bonfire of the Midianites

Land Grab

Itinerary

Plan Seven from Outer Space

Rules for Revengers

About that Inheritance…

THE BOOK OF DEUTERONOMY

Moses Speaks

Moses Dies

THE BOOK OF JOSHUA

House of the Harlot

Preparations for War

Ready! Aim! Shout!

Ai Caramba!

To Kill a Mocking Ai

The Gibeonites pull a Fast One

The Day the Sun Stood Still

Path of Destruction

Dividing the Land

The Altar of Ed

Joshua takes the Big Dirt Nap

THE BOOK OF JUDGES

Destruction: Take Two

A People Forsworn

The Judging Begins

Getting the Point

The Sword of Gideon

The Threescore and Ten

On the Warpath

Judges and Repentance

Collateral Damage

Sibboleth

The Four Judgemen

Nazarite unto God

Samson the Riddler

The Jaw of an Ass

Love Is Blind

The House of Cards

The March of the Danites

The Priest and The Concubine

Try, Try, Try Again

Saving Benjamin’s Privates

THE BOOK OF RUTH

Sojourning in Moab

The Gleaning Game

Turning the Trick

Purchasing Ruth

Lineage to David

THE FIRST BOOK OF SAMUEL

Leant to the Lord

A Message for Eli

The Lord Rings Thrice

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Ark of Contagion

Against the Philistines

Make Them a King

Saul the Tall

First Blood

Samuel the Sermonizer

Fighting the Philistines

Jonathan the Brave

The Honey Trap

The Monger of War

Out of Line

God chooses a new Pawn

David vs Goliath

Jealousy and Strife

Johnny Be Good

On the Run

The Beginning of an Army

Guerrilla Tactics

Deliver Mine Enemy

The Trouble with Nabal

A Thief in the Night

Secret Wars

A Familiar Story

David gets Voted Off

When Amalekites Attack, Again

Running with Swords

THE SECOND BOOK OF SAMUEL

Killing the Messenger

The Game of Thrones

Abner Abdicates

How not to get Ahead

David begins to Reign

Retrieving the Ark

David the Smiter

Restitution

The Smiter Strikes Again

David the Adulterer

God throws a Hissy Fit

Stress Relief

Taming Tamar

Better Late than Never

Absalom Returns

The Snake Abideth

David the Runner

The Council of War

Treading the Cobra

The Return of the King

The Rundown

Hunger Strikes

The Bigger They Are

David the Singer

The Mighty Men

Random Census, with Sauce

THE FIRST BOOK OF THE KINGS

Solomon Pulls Ahead

The Don’s Last Words

Tying Up Loose Ends

A Dream by Night

Half-and-Half

(Roll) Call of the Scarecrow

Building God’s House

Building Solomon’s House

Housewarming Speech

Wish In One Hand

Dealings

The Queen of Sheba

Solomon’s Riches

Rise of the Adversaries

Rehoboam Fumbles

Jeroboam Stumbles

Death by Prophet

Shot-Calling by Prophet

The Revolving Kings

Ravens and Crone

Flame On!

Testing to Distraction

Feeding Frenzy

Shark Week

Out of Smite

Stone Hard with a Vengeance

Ahab gets the Message

Moby Prick

The Revolving Kings: Reloaded

THE SECOND BOOK OF THE KINGS

Humpty Dumbty

Passing the Baton

The Bad News Bears

3 Kings and a Little Prophet

Elisha the Social Worker

A Leper comes to Town

Leading the Blind

An Insane Hunger

Timely Warnings

A Confusion of Kings

Elisha lights the Fuse

The Janitor of Israel

The Boy Who Reigned

Holy Reparations, Bible man!

Revolving Kings: The Intermission

A Spontaneous Resurrection… and some other Stuff

Waking the Dragon

The Revolving Kings: Revolutions

One Just Like It

Provoking the Lord

Shaking Down Hezekiah

Begging for Help

Casing the Joint

Bringing the Evil

Josiah’s Crusade

Judea Struggles

Nailing Jerusalem’s Coffin

THE FIRST BOOK OF THE CHRONICLES

From the Beginning

That Saul, Folks

The Mighty of Valour

No Touching!

Sons and Slaughters

The Ark Returned

The Smiter Judges

Random Census, with Devil’s Food

Passing the Hammer and Nails

Numbers: The Sequel

Last Will and Testament

THE SECOND BOOK OF THE CHRONICLES

Solomon begins to Rule

Solomon does his Business

Rehoboam Reigns

A Covenant of Salt

Beating Ethiopians

Swear to God

The Wrong Kind of Help

Jehoshaphat spreads the Word

The Great White Lie

Setting up Judges

The Lord Strikes!

The Strife of Jehoram

Jehu executes Judgment

Red Queen, White Boy

Blood for Blood

The Amazing Amaziah

Censered Footage

The Assyrian Paradox

Cleansed with Blood

The Angelic Assist

Hezekiah the Humbled

That which was Evil

Avoiding the Wrath

Judea Goes Down

Next time on Butchering the Bible

OUTRO

Introduction

At the Author’s request, the introductory materials have been moved to the suspiciously-named Outro section, so that those Readers who have only downloaded the demo version of this book can read slightly more of the actual text.

Thank you for your patience.

The Book Of

GENESIS

The Creation

1:1 - 2:7

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 KJV

AND SO BEGINS THE MOST POPULAR STORY—or, rather, series of stories—ever told, which has caused countless deaths, been credited with saving countless lives, and has just generally interfered with the reasoned judgment of the greater portion of the post-Bronze Age human population.

Fortunately for all of the believers in the studio audience, the Lord saw fit to interrupt Yours Truly at this time—from half a Creation Event away, no less—and shove his Creation Week To-Do List onto the first page of my biblical exposé, just to show that he could.

So, alright, whatever.

Take it away, God…

SUNDAY (The Day of the Sun)

1. Create Heaven and Earth

2. Invent Light, so that I can see what the hell I’m doing

3. Separate Light from Darkness, and then name them Day and Night

MONDAY (The Day of the Moon)

1. Create the Firmament—to divide the waters above from the waters below—and then call it Heaven, just like I did yesterday

TUESDAY (The Day of Tiw, the Norse God of War)

1. Gather together the waters that are under Heaven, and call them Seas

2. Call the land thus exposed Earth, as I already did two days ago

3. Create Plants

WEDNESDAY (The Day of Wotan, the Norse All-Father)

1. Create a great light to rule the Day

2. Create a not-so-great light to rule the Night… which will absolutely, positively, not reflect the light from any other source, no matter how much more convenient that would make things

3. Create a great number of pinpricks of light—to be called Stars—so that people will have something interesting to look at during the Night

THURSDAY (The Day of Thor, the Norse God of Thunder)

1. Create Fish and Birds out of water

2. Convince them to multiply

FRIDAY (The Day of Frigg/Freya, the Queen of Asgard)

1. Create animals to roam the land

2. Create Man and Woman to rule over said animals, because democracy sucks

After he had spent six days creating things that any halfway-respectable omnipotent god could have made instantly, the Judeo-Christian God took a well-deserved rest on the day which he called the Sabbath, but which we now call Saturday… a day named after yet another pagan god.

And then—just in case he’d forgotten to do it before—God created man again… this time out of dirt.

Actually, that would explain a lot of things…

The Garden

2:8—25

AFTER HE HAD RESTED, the Lord created a garden to the east—

To the east of where? Heaven?

In the middle of this garden—which he called Eden—God planted two special trees: The Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life. He also created a river to water the garden, which eventually flowed out of Eden and became four rivers: the Pison, the Gihon, the Hiddekel, and the Euphrates.

Then God placed the dirty man in the garden to look after it, completely forgetting about the other man and woman that he’d already created (see Friday).

His only words of guidance to the man were: Do not eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, for, if you do, you will surely die.

Notice that the Lord said nothing about the Tree of Life. He obviously knew that the best way to defuse human curiosity about something is to not mention it.

But, anyway… after he had given the man’s situation some thought, God figured that he would get lonely if left to his own devices, so he decided to form every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air out of dirt—you know, since he hadn’t created them yet (see Thursday and Friday)—so that Adam could use his (non) knowledge to name them, and perhaps find a fitting help meet—

Author’s Note: In case you’re wondering at the abrupt transition from the man to Adam in the above paragraph, the fact of the matter is, the Bible does the same thing.

The naming went off without a hitch, but Adam didn’t find anything that he liked.

Stumped for ideas, the Lord decided to create a fitting help meet for Adam by putting him into a deep sleep… and then stealing one of his ribs.

Apparently, after creating creatures out of water, and then out of dirt, God was running low on power and decided to try cloning.

After he’d gotten done playing Doctor Frankenstein—She’s alive! Alive!—the Lord brought his new creation to Adam, who then named her Woman… because, as he put it, she was taken out of Man.

Odd how he just happened to know that…

The Fall

3:1—24

SO, ANYWAY: The serpent was talking to the woman, and—

What?

Hey, don’t tell me you’ve never talked to animals!

So, yeah, anyway, the serpent was talking to the woman, and for some reason it asked her if God had said that there was any tree from which she should not eat.

So, of course, the woman told it that the Lord had commanded them to not eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, lest they die.

The serpent informed her—truthfully, as it turned out—that the Knowledge Fruit would not kill them, but would, instead, open their eyes, and they would be as gods, knowing good and evil.

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Genesis 3:6 KJV

Then they realized that they were naked and decided that it was evil to be naked, so they sewed themselves some aprons out of fig leaves (because, of course, they now knew how to sew).

Then they heard the Lord coming and ran off to hide.

To be fair, that would have been my reaction, too.

Where art thou? yelled God, the Omniscient One.

From his hiding place, Adam explained that he was hiding because he was naked.

Realizing that something had gone horribly wrong with his experiment in intelligent design, the Lord demanded an explanation. Eventually, the whole story came out.

And then God—the Omni-Angry—made with the cursing:

First, he cursed the serpent to crawl forever on its belly and eat dirt, and to be treaded on by future humans.

Shrugging, the serpent slithered off.

Then the Angry One cursed the woman to have increased sorrow in childbirth… which—lest the Lord thy God had failed to notice—she hadn’t even had normal sorrow in yet.

He also cursed her to desire her husband, who would rule over her. How romantic.

Last, but not least, the Lord cursed Adam to eat the fruits of the ground, and to eat bread in the sweat of his face, until he returned to the dust from whence he came.

And then Adam named his wife Eve—took him long enough—because, he said, she was the mother of all living… which was an odd thing to say about someone who hadn’t yet mothered anyone.

Then the Lord made Adam and Eve some coats, out of skins—

Animal skins?

… and exiled them to the east of Eden (which was to the east of Heaven).

According to the Bible, he did this to keep them from eating the fruit of the Tree of Life and becoming immortal.

I’m not making that up.

Oh, and he also assigned some Cherubim with a flaming sword to guard the way to the Tree of Life, just in case.

The Bible never makes it clear whether they took turns wielding the sword or if the rest of them just used their hands.

Cain and Abel

4:1 - 16

SO ADAM AND EVE WERE living in the wild and she gave birth to a boy they named Cain, and the first words out of her mouth were I have gotten a man from the Lord.

That’s pure comedy gold right there.

Some time later, she got another man for the Lord. They named this one Abel.

And then, once upon a time, when it came time to bring offerings unto God—because the Lord needs to look out for Number One—Abel, the shepherd of the family, sacrificed some of the firstborn of his flock as a burnt offering.

Being a mere farmer, Cain was reduced to offering up some of his choicest vegetables.

The Lord wasted no time in making it very clear that he was not a vegetarian, and much preferred Abel’s blood-soaked offering.

Understandably, this lordly snub upset Cain somewhat. The fact that the Lord then proceeded to tear him a new one for even daring to get angry did not help matters.

Unable to fight his omnipotent god, Cain redirected his anger unto Abel, and slew him in a nearby field.

When the Lord came looking for Abel, Cain pointed out that he was not his brother’s keeper (and, yes, this is the story that that infamous saying comes from).

Then God heard Abel’s blood crying out to him from the ground and he—wait for it—cursed Cain.

He cursed him to be a fugitive and a vagabond.

How quaint.

Cain’s response to this was to express his fear that everyone that he ran into would try to kill him (an odd fear to have, with only three people on the planet).

To reassure him, God decreed that anyone who slew Cain would have vengeance taken on him sevenfold (That’s right. This is where the rock band Avenged Sevenfold got their name).

Then the Lord stamped a VIP logo on Cain and sent him off into the land of Nod.

Which was to the east of Eden.

Which was to the east of Heaven.

Apparently, Heaven was to the west of everything.

Cain’s Lineage

4:17—24

THEN CAIN KNEW HIS WIFE, and she gave birth to Enoch—

Author’s Note: Actually, this reminds me of a couple of things that I should bring up, for those of you who are completely new to the Bible.

The first is the fact that the Bible writers had a distressing habit—especially noticeable in the earlier books—of bringing characters into their stories suddenly and without explanation (Maybe from off-stage?).

The other thing is that the Bible books—at least in the King James Version—tend to include many euphemisms, for those of a more… sensitive disposition.

The word knew is a perfect example.

It refers to carnal knowledge, the kind that you get in the bedroom.

Other examples include come in unto (similar meaning) and fell asleep (died).

Cain also built a city—apparently by himself—which he named after his son.

The Bible then lists Cain’s lineage as follows:

1. Cain

2. Enoch

3. Irad

4. Mehujael

5. Methusael

6. Lamech

Then Lamech’s three sons and his daughter are listed as:

1. Jabal (father of tent-dwellers and cattle-drivers)

2. Jubal (father of harp- and organ-players)

3. Tubal-cain (instructor of brass- and iron-smiths)

4. Naamah

The first two were mothered by Adah, the other two by Zillah.

Then the Bible states that Lamech told A and Z that he killed a man, doing it in a way that seemed to imply that the guy that he killed was Cain!

Needless to say, the writer never just comes out and says it.

But who cares, right?

Ding dong, the Cain is dead!

Seth’s Lineage

4:25—5:32

ADAM KNEW EVE AGAIN—damn euphemisms—and she had another son, whom they named Seth.

Here’s his lineage—mostly of firstborn sons, presumably—extending all the way up to the sons of some guy named Noah:

1. Adam: Lived 930 years, had son at 130 years

2. Seth: Lived 912 years, had son at 105 years

3. Enos: Lived 905 years, had son at 90 years

4. Cainan: Lived 910 years, had son at 70 years

5. Mahalaleel: Lived 895 years, had son at 65 years

6. Jared: Lived 962 years, had son at 162 years

7. Enoch: Lived 365 years, had son at 65 years

8. Methuselah: Lived 969 years, had son at 187 years

9. Lamech: Lived 777 years, had son at 182 years

10. Noah: Lived 950 years, had son at 500 years

11. And then, of course, there were Shem, Ham, and Japheth

The Bible then carefully notes that all of these men (except for Noah and his sons) went on to beget more sons (and daughters), in order to explain why there were so many people around when the Lord finally got around to giving the Earth a much-needed bath (dirty, dirty Earth).

That is a lot of inbreeding.

But, then again: The whole human race did come with a guy shagging his clone, so…

The Flood

6:1—8:22

ALRIGHT, PEOPLE!

Here’s the situation that you’re facing:

The human race is multiplying like jackrabbits.

The sons of God are interbreeding with the daughters of men, forcing you to conveniently lower the human life expectancy to around 120 years.

Giants are popping up all over.

As if all of that isn’t enough, when you read the minds of these people, you get hit with a continual wave of wickedness.

Every second of every day, every man, woman, child, and infant is thinking wickedly, just one long stream of ukulele music and haute couture.

So, if you’re God, confronted by such an abysmal failure… What do you do?

You destroy it all and start over, of course.

It’s your party. You can poop all over it if you want to.

The Lord decided—in what seems, in retrospect, almost an afterthought—that he would like to save at least some of his creations.

So he got in touch with a guy named Noah, who was perfect in his generations—whatever the hell that means—and saddled him with the task of building an ark… which was, presumably, an ancient version of a barge.

God’s Instructions to Noah

1. Construct the ark out of gopher wood, pitched on the outside (with pitch)

2. Outer measurements of the ark (in cubits*): 300 (L) x 50 (W) x 30 (H)

3. The ark is to have three inner decks, a 1-cubit square hatch in the upper deck for ventilation, and a door in the side for the loading-on of the animals (measurements unknown)

4. Into this ark you are to take two of each land animal and bird

5. No, wait—on second thought: Take seven pairs of every clean beast (see Selective Predation) and every flying bird. Take only single pairs of all of the other animals

6. Stock up on enough provisions to provide for all of these animals… plus you, your wife, your three sons, and their wives, for an indefinite span of time

7. Alright, you have seven days to get all of the animals and food into the ark. So get a move on

*According to Wikipedia, a cubit was traditionally defined as being equal to the length of the forearm, as measured from the elbow to the tip of the middle finger when one is flipping the bird, which would have made it about 18 inches.

Author’s Note: Did you notice how the Bible just glossed over the actual building of the ark?

Considering how important the act of saving every single species that ever existed—including the 99% that many biologists estimate had gone extinct by that time—this seems somewhat bizarre.

So, anyway: Once upon the seventeenth day of the second month of the six-hundredth year of Noah’s life—

Special Note: The Hebrew Calendar

According to Wikipedia, the Hebrew calendar usually had twelve months, just like ours. Of course, the length of three of these months could be arbitrarily changed so that certain holidays would not fall on a Sabbath, or even next to it, which could cause certain logistical problems for the kind of people who cared about that sort of crap.

You’ll no doubt have noticed that I used the word usually in the above paragraph.

This is because the Hebrews—and their modern-day descendants—had a very irregular year, which could measure either 353-355 days… or 383-385 days, when they added in the optional 13th month, for the same reason that we add in an extra day every four years, apparently.

What this means, in the context of this book, is that—in order to give the dates for the mythical events in this and subsequent chapters—I would have to be some sort of mathematical Jewish prodigy.

And since I’m obviously not Jewish, I’ve decided to not even try to date things their way.

Of course, this does not mean that I am not willing to attempt to give the dates a certain air of authenticity, just for the hell of it.

So I have taken the quite disrespectful—but oh so delightful—liberty of replacing the names of the Jewish months with the signs of the Zodiac, as follows:

1. Abib (or Nissan)—March/April—Aries

2. Zif (or Iyar)—April/May—Taurus

3. Sivan—May/June—Gemini

4. Tamuz—June/July—Cancer

5. Menachem Av—July/August—Leo

6. Elui—August/September—Virgo

7. Ethanim (or Tishrei)—September/October—Libra

8. Bul (or Mar Cheshvan)—October/November—Scorpio

9. Kislev—November/December—Sagittarius

10. Tevet—December/January—Capricorn

11. Shevat—January/February—Aquarius

12. Adar—February/ March—Pisces

13. Adar II (or Adaru)—The month of the axe murderers

So, yeah, anyway: On Taurus 17th, 600 NL, the Lord opened the Heavenly Faucets and made it rain in the club—the club called Earth—for forty days and forty nights.

He also unstopped all the fountains of the great deep that the earth was presumably floating on.

According to the Bible, the flood waters rose up so high that they covered even the tallest of mountains by a margin of 15 cubits (22.5 feet).

God eventually remembered poor Noah and his passengers—must’ve been half-time—and hurriedly closed the Faucets, and then made a wind to pass over the earth and get rid of all of the water.

By Libra 17th, 600 NL, the ark had come to rest on the mountains of Ararat, although all of the other mountains remained completely underwater until early Capricorn.

Forty days after this—which would have been about halfway through Aquarius—Noah got the bright idea to start sending out birds to check and see if the earth had dried out enough… instead of, you know, opening the door and taking a freaking peek!

Eventually, a dove that he had sent out came back with an olive leaf.

After waiting another seven days, Noah sent the bird out again… and it never returned

Maybe it met a hawk it didn’t like.

On the 1st of Aries, 601 NL, Noah decided that it was finally safe to camp out outside of the ark.

After the Great Drying had finally run its course, the Lord contacted Noah and ordered him to go ahead and leave the ark.

So what was the first thing that Noah did?

Go ahead, guess.

He built an altar and sacrificed an indeterminate number of every clean animal and bird as a burnt offering to God.

I guess it was a good thing that the Lord had changed his mind about how many animals he wanted on the ark (see list above).

The account of the Flood ends with God smelling the sweet savour of Noah’s offering and saying, in his heart—

And just how did the writer know this?

… that he would never again destroy all life on earth (see The Book Of Revelation).

After all—the Lord then said—the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth, right?

Author’s Note: Overreact much?

The Covenant

9:1—17

ONCE UPON A TIME, the Lord established a covenant with Noah and his family, and their descendants.

The terms of this covenant were as follows:

God’s Covenant with Noah

1. I, Yahweh, will never again flood the entire Earth (I do, however, reserve the right to flood selected portions of it, at my discretion)

2. Every animal on Earth will henceforth go in fear of you (Even those that eat you will do so fearfully)

3. One way or another, you will all die, because I require your blood.

4. Do not, however, think that I am giving you permission to require blood, or to even eat bloody meat. Stay away from that crap.

5. Also, if any man kills another man, he is to be executed. You are made in my image, damn it!

6. As a matter of fact… You know what? I want to see even more of my image. Go forth and multiply!

7. In order to remind myself of this covenant, I vow to set a bow in the clouds, which shall be seen every time it rains. What the hell, let’s call it a rainbow.

Signed,

The Lord Thy God, Esq.

Lineages from Noah

9:18—10:32, 11:10—32

THIS SECTION OF THE BIBLE starts out with a short explanation of the pecking order amongst the descendants of Noah’s sons.

Predictably enough, it takes the form of a story.

It is said that Noah once planted a vineyard, and eventually produced some excellent Grade-A fermented grape juice… what is otherwise known as wine.

And then he got drunk off his ass.

His son Ham eventually came into his tent and found him passed out, naked.

So, like any good son, he went out and told his brothers to go get the old man a blanket.

Shem and Japheth immediately brought one over and draped it onto their father, looking backward the whole time, so as not to catch sight of his naked ass… which, let’s face it, would have taken some unbelievably contortionist coordination.

When he finally woke up, Noah somehow knew, right away, that his son Ham had seen him in his altogether (Hey, I told you that was some Grade-A stuff).

So he—wait for it—cursed Ham’s son, Canaan—and all his descendants—to be the servants of the descendants of Shem and Japheth.

It also bears mentioning that Ham was the dark-skinned son.

See what I’m getting at?

So, anyway, after crapping all over Ham’s prospects, the Bible finally gets around to supplying the promised lineage information.

As you can see below, I had to come up with a different way to write it down, because the text provided much more complete data for this section (which is obviously not the same as saying that the information is correct).

Lineage Key: Father >> Son(s) and Daughter(s)

Japheth >> Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras

Gomer >> Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah

Javan >> Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim

Ham >> Cush, Mizraim, Phut, and Canaan

Cush >> Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, Sabtecha, and Nimrod (The Mighty Hunter)

Nimrod was apparently the ruler of the cities of Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.

From this land came some dude named Asshur, who built the cities of Nineveh, Rehoboth, Calah, and Resen.

Mizraim >> Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim, and Caphtorim

Casluhim >> Philistim (Sound familiar?)

Canaan >> Sidon, Heth, the Jebusite, the Amorite, the Girgasite, the Hivite, the Arkite, the Sinite, the Arvadite, the Zemarite, and the Hamathite

Author’s Note: It should be noted here—Which is why I’m noting it (Duh!)—that describing peoples in the singular is usually an excellent indication that you’re a racist bastard.

Shem >> Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud, and Aram

Aram >> Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash

Arphaxad >> Salah >> Eber >> Joktan and Peleg

That last guy was supposedly so named for in his days was the earth divided.

Hell, the Earth is still divided.

Quick, somebody name their kid Peleg!

Joktan >> Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth—Now that’s a kickass name!—Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab

After taking a short break to tell the rather pointless tale of the Tower of Babel—coming up next—the writer of Genesis describes Shem’s lineage in more detail, extending the list of (what are implied to be) firstborn sons all the way to some guy named Abram, and his brothers Nahor and Haran.

1. Shem: Lived 600 years, had son at 100 years

2. Arphaxad: Lived 438 years, had son at 35 years

3. Salah: Lived 433 years, had son at 30 years

4. Eber: Lived 464 years, had son at 34 years

5. Peleg: Lived 239 years, had son at 30 years

6. Reu: Lived 239 years, had son at 32 years

7. Serug: Lived 230 years, had son at 30 years

8. Nahor: Lived 148 years, had son at 29 years

9. Terah: Lived 205 years, had son at 70 years

You might have noticed—maybe—that these guys were still living way too long, even though God had already lowered the maximum dying age to 120 years (see The Flood, or, if you prefer, Genesis 6:3).

Terah >> Abram, Nahor, and Haran

Haran >> Lot, Iscah (The Missing Man), and Milcah (daughter)

The chapter ends with Terah relocating from Ur of the Chaldees*, to a place called Haran, in the land of Canaan, along with his sons Abram and Nahor… Haran having died, ironically, before having the opportunity to live in the city that bore his name.

Along for the ride were Abe’s and Nah’s wives, Sarai and Milcah—that’s right, Nahor married his niece—and, of course, Lot.

* The Chaldean (or Neo-Babylonian) Dynasty was founded shortly after the death of King Ashurbanipal—sometime around 626 BCE—by a random bastard named Nabo-polassar, who helped the Babylonians revolt against the Assyrians that had been their landlords for the last two hundred years or so.

Since the Bible uses the terms Chaldean and Babylonian interchangeably—and thus makes the limits of the ancient Hebrew worldview painfully obvious—I have chosen to do so as well… because, hey, why not?

The Tower of Babel

11:1—9

APPARENTLY, the Lord was walking around Heaven one day when, suddenly, he tripped over something.

After quickly jumping back up and looking around to see if there were any witnesses, he dusted himself off… I mean, he, um, ordered the dust to get the hell away from him!

After he’d glanced around again, God finally looked down.

And what did he see?

All of the people on the Earth—who were then living in one city, on the plains of Shinar—had gotten the bright idea of building a brick tower tall enough to reach into Heaven, just to show off.

Author’s Note: If you know anything about building with brick, you should have some idea of just how impossible this would have been. Even reinforced brick buildings usually rise no more than 20 stories. And these guys were also using slime for mortar. Think about it.

Now nothing will be restrained from them, announced God, just a trifle apprehensively.

So he came down and scattered the people all over the Earth and (confounded) their language, so that they could no longer communicate effectively, (therefore) is the name of it called Babel.

And this is how the Bible explains the fact that there exist so many different languages.

Author’s Note: Perhaps the Lord should have remembered that he was planning on sending us a message later on.

You know, his Word… otherwise known as the Bible.

Things would have gone much smoother if we were all still speaking ancient Hebrew… and Aramaic… and, um, Greek.

Damn, that’s already three languages…

Abram in Egypt

12:1—20

ONCE UPON A RANDOM DAY, Abram received a long-distance call.

It was God.

Making him an offer that he very literally could not refuse, the Lord claimed that he would make of Abram a great nation, bless him, make his name great, and also bless his friends and curse his enemies. Hell, he’d even throw in some land.

So… what was the catch?

First, Abram had to go out and actually find that land.

That would probably take a while.

And so Abram—along with his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all of their various servants and possessions—left the town of Haran, heading for parts unknown.

After wandering through the land of Canaan, they encamped at Sichem, on the plain of Moreh, where the Lord appeared unto Abram—

Author’s Note: Actually, you’ll be amazed to find that God pulls this trick a lot in the Bible. And no one ever seems to remember what he looks like. Apparently, his face is a ninja.

So, anyway: Then Abram built an altar to the Lord, just for the sake of kissing up.

Continuing on to the town of Beth-el, he then built another altar between it and the town of Hai.

As Abram and his motley tribe kept heading south, the land was struck by a famine, so he decided to head for Egypt.

Before actually crossing the border, it occurred to Abram that when the Egyptians saw how beautiful his wife was, they might decide to kill him and just take her. So he convinced her to tell everyone that she was his sister.

Now, mind you, Abram was supposedly around 75 years of age at this point and, by all accounts, Sarai was of a similar age.

She must have been one hell of a stunner to keep her looks that long.

But, hey, this isn’t my story…

So, sure enough, after he’d heard all about the stunning Sarai, the Pharaoh had her brought in.

For her sake, he showered Sarai’s brother with gifts, including sheep, oxen, asses, and servants.

Of course, when the Lord heard about the Pharaoh’s unwitting adultery, he immediately plagued him—and his house—with, well, plagues.

As you can readily imagine, the Pharaoh wasted no time in passing the buck on to Abram, and had him and his people thrown out of Egypt.

Abram vs Lot

13:1—18

ABRAM AND COMPANY HEADED BACK NORTH, settling for a time at the place between Beth-el and Hai where Abram had built an altar on their way south.

It wasn’t long before infighting broke out between Abram’s and Lot’s herdsmen.

So, rather than allow things to spiral out of their control, Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways.

Lot headed east, into the land of Jordan, and eventually settled in the city of Sodom (more on that later).

Abram stayed in the land of Canaan, eventually settling in the town of Horeb, on the plain of Mamre.

Predictably enough, he built yet another altar there, just for the sake of consistency.

Abram to the Rescue

14:1—24

UNFORTUNATELY FOR LOT, there happened to be a regional no-holds-barred brawl going on at the time, as the cities of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim, and Bela had rebelled against Chedorlaomer, the King of Elam.

So Chedor– Chedola– damn it, I’m calling him Cheddar—Cheddar rounded up some of his buddies, and they started running roughshod over anyone who got in their way.

After committing assault & battery on– sorry, I mean, um, smiting—the Rephaims, the Zuzims, the Emims, the Horites, the Amalekites, and the Amorites, Cheddar and his gang sauntered onto the vale of Siddim, looking to kick ass and forget names.

THE SLUGFEST IN SIDDIM

In the Red Corner

1. Cheddar, the