Butchering The Bible Part Three: Off to C the Wizard

By Rafael Paulino

In the final installment of the "Butchering The Bible" series, we will witness -- i.e. read about -- how Jesus saved Christmas by being born in the spring, how his Apostles saved the world from ending by prophesiziing that end ad nauseam, and how the addict once known as John of Patmos saved the Narrative from dying of boredom with his, well... Revelation. Last Updated: January 15, 2018

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rafael Paulino
• Release date: Dec 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310700187

Book preview

PART THREE

Off to C the Wizard

Copyright 2014 Rafael Paulino

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You can find more awesome covers by my cover artist at:

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Other books by Rafael Paulino

The Butchering the Bible Series

Hollow Be Thy Name

The Valley of the Shadow of Myth

This Third Part Right Here

A Detailed Rebuttal of Silvio Famularo’s

"Evolution? The Theories And The Facts"

(free e-pamphlet)

Currently unavailable

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus speaks to his disciples,

Matthew 5:17— 19 KJV

What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.

But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.

For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.

Paul writes his Epistle to the Roman church,

Romans 7:7—9 KJV

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Introduction

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JESUS CHRIST

The Lineage of… Joseph?

The Immaculate Deception

Visiting the Nativity

Les Enfants, Copycat-Murdered

Jesus, Interrupted

John the Head Dunker

The Devil’s Enterprise

Once Upon a Temple

Jesus Fishes for Men

A Miracle on 404 Street

In Blackest Night

The Corporate Bored Meeting

Jesus Christ Superstar

The Apostles Sound Off

Jesus the Unappreciated

Riddle Me This

Thirst is Nothing

King of the Sabbath-Workers

Herod Talks, Jesus Walks

Telling People Off

The Back Side of the Farce

To Preach or not to Preach

Jesus and the Master Baiters

Ghosts & Dijon Vu

Riddle Me This, Part Two

Lord of the Fly Catchers

The Door of the Sheep

Day of the Zombie

Coming to a Jerusalem near You

Telling People Off, Part Two

Forebodings of Future Past

Riddle Me This, Part Three

Passing Over with Jesus Christ

A Trial by Kangaroo

The Cruci-Fiction

Once Upon a Sunday

THE ACTS OF THE APOSTLES

Infallible Proofs

Got Tongue?

That was Lame

The Slap on the Wrist

The Wages of Sin

The Slap in the Face

Live Free or Stone Hard

Patient Zeroes

Obsessive Chicken Disorder

The Picnic of the Lord

Spreading It Around

Cross Me and You Die

The Doctrine of the Assassin

Boners & Stoners

Freeing the Willies

Escape Attempt #3

Jockeying for Position

Mr. Swaggart makes a Tent

Religion Never Changes

Slouching Toward Jerusalem

When Contradictions Attack

The Council of Dunces

The Caesarean Section

Once Abducted, Twice Shy

All Roads Lead to Rome

THE EPISTLES

Romans

Corinthians

Corinthians II

Galatians

Ephesians

Philippians

Colossians

Thessalonians

Thessalonians II

Timothy

Timothy II

Titus

Philemon

Hebrews

James

Peter

Peter II

John

John II

John III

Jude

THE BOOK OF REVELATION

OUTRO

Introduction

At the Author’s request, the introductory materials have been moved to the suspiciously-named Outro section, so that those Readers who have only downloaded the demo version of this book can read slightly more of the actual text.

Thank you for your patience.

The Life and Times

of

JESUS CHRIST

The Lineage of… Joseph?

Matthew

IN THE FIRST PART OF the first chapter of Matthew—the Book that the Christians chose to place first in the Gospel lineup—the Bible traces the genealogy of Joseph, the mute cipher who was apparently espoused to the (allegedly-virginal) Mary, the soon-to-be mother of the (soon-to-be called Christ by a bunch of Middle Eastern hobos) Jesus.

It might have already occurred to you that—assuming that Joseph and Mary had not actually knocked boots (or sandals) before the so-called Savior took a swan-dive out of his mother’s Love Tunnel—the people should have had no reason to care dick about Joseph’s ancestry.

So why did they?

Well, you see: The Jesus-worshipping Jews—who would not be adopting the Christian moniker until much later—wanted to believe that he was the son of God.

But they were also big believers in hereditary royalty, so they needed him to be a descendant of the ancient Israelite kings… or, more specifically: Of King David, who had failed to rise from the dead and eat the brains of their enemies, as the prophecies had foretold.

So they decided to have their cake and eat it too… perhaps with a side order of the brains that they were believing too hard to actually think with.

So, anyway, here is Joseph’s lineage (as supplied by Matthew):

1. Abraham

2. Isaac

3. Jacob

4. Judas

5. Phares

6. Esrom

7. Aram

8. Aminadab

9. Naasson

10. Salmon

11. Booz

12. Obed

13. Jesse

14. David

15. Solomon

16. Roboam

17. Abia

18. Asa

19. Josaphat

20. Joram

21. Ozias

22. Joatham

23. Achaz

24. Ezekias

25. Manasses

26. Amon

27. Josias

28. Jechonias

29. Salathiel

30. Zorobabel

31. Abiud

32. Eliakim

33. Azor

34. Sadoc

35. Achim

36. Eliud

37. Eleazar

38. Matthew

39. Jacob

40. Joseph

So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

Matthew 1:17 KJV

Unfortunately for all of the Christians in his reading audience, Matthew proved that he was a lousy mathematician (and that the Lord his God was a lousy fact-checker).

Oh, sure: If you very carefully exclude David from the second generational count, Jechonias gets to be lucky number 14, which would seem to be more or less spot on.

But then, in order for Jesus to draw the lucky number in the third count, you actually have to include Jechonias in it.

Sigh.

Hebrews and their damn number games.

Luke

Damn it, Matthew!

What the hell are you smoking?

The genealogy of our Lord and Savior looks nothing like that!

And besides which: You’re a lazy bastard.

I cannot believe that you only traced His lineage from freaking Abraham.

Here, let me show you how a real Gospel writer does it—

1. God

2. Adam

3. Seth

4. Enos

5. Cainan

6. Maleleel

7. Jared

8. Enoch

9. Mathusala

10. Lamech

11. Noe (Noah)

12. Sem

13. Arphaxad

14. Cainan

15. Sala

16. Heber

17. Phalec

18. Ragau

19. Saruch

20. Nachor

21. Thara

22. Abraham

23. Isaac

24. Jacob (that is to say, Israel)

25. Judah

26. Phares

27. Esrom

28. Aram

29. Aminadab

30. Naasson

31. Salmon

32. Booz

33. Obed

34. Jesse

35. David (the Dead King)

36. Nathan

37. Mattatha

38. Menan

39. Melea

40. Eliakim

41. Jonan (the Barbarian)

42. Joseph

43. Judah

44. Simeon

45. Levi

46. Matthat

47. Jorim

48. Eliezer

49. No Way Jose

50. Er… I don’t know

51. Elmodam

52. Cosam

53. Addi (Das), the Running Man

54. Melchi

55. Neri

56. Salathiel

57. Zorobabel

58. Rhesa

59. Joanna

60. Judah

61. Joseph

62. Semei

63. Mattathias

64. Maath

65. Nagge

66. Esli

67. Naum

68. Amos

69. Mattathias

70. Joseph

71. Janna

72. Melchi

73. Levi

74. Matthat

75. Heli (the Copter)

76. Joseph

The Author

Unlike Matthew, Luke traces Joseph’s descent from David through Nathan, instead of Solomon. Not only that, but Luke decides to include 39 generations between the Dead King and Jesus’ surrogate father, in place of Matthew’s 25.

Luke’s list also seems to show traces of what may be accidental copying-and pasting, as:

1. The names Levi and Matthat show up twice—in that order—at numbers 45-46 and 73-74.

2. The names Joseph and Judah—situated at numbers 42 and 43—are preceded by the name Jonan… and then they show up again as numbers 60 and 61, and are preceded by Joanna, which is similar enough to Jonan to make one wonder. And then Joseph shows up again at number 70, followed by the name Janna…

But, anyway: As you can plainly see, Joseph’s family history was rather… interesting.

The Immaculate Deception

Matthew

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

Matthew 1:18 KJV

Luke

Hey, Matthew! Aren’t you forgetting something?

Matthew

Sigh.

What is it this time?

Luke

Well, you know…

John the Baptist was conceived six months before our Lord and Savior.

I told the readers all about it in my book—

Matthew

Hey! Do I look like I give a shittim about John?!

Luke

Hey! That’s uncalled for!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Even the backup singers of our Lord and Savior deserve some respect, you know!

Matthew

Yeah, you’re right.

It’s just that I couldn’t wait to tell the people the good news about Jesus.

Sigh.

Alright, fine: Say your piece.

According to Luke

THE COMING OF THE MESSIAH to End All Messiahs was considered so important that preparations for it were already being made six months ahead of his conception.

That was when the angel Gabriel dropped in on a man named Zacharias—who happened to be one of the priests at the temple in Jerusalem—and told him that his barren wife, Elizabeth, would soon bear him a child, who he was to name John… just because the Lord said so.

And it was also decreed by the Lord that John was to be filled with the Holy Ghost while he was still in utero, because he would have to eventually go before (God) in the spirit and power of Elias… to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.

And then Zach made a monumental mistake.

He actually had the nerve to express doubt.

So Gabe the God-Slave cast a Silence spell upon him, which was to last until the day that his son was born.

After she had finally conceived, Elizabeth hid herself for five months, for no apparent reason.

And then—in the sixth month after the Baptist’s conception—Jesus was also conceived.

The Immaculate Deception (continued)

And since Joseph was not in on the joke, he naturally assumed that his new wife had come together with another man. But he was such a nice guy that he didn’t want to make a public spectacle of their soon-to-be inevitable divorce. So he was in a bit of a bind.

Before Joseph had a chance to take an action that he might forever regret, however, an angel gate-crashed one of his dream-sequences and told him all about how the Holy Ghost had knocked up his wife.

Yeah, that’s great news…

And then—as if to add some insult to his spectral injury—the angel ordered Joseph to name the son of the Ghost Virgin-Rider JESUS, for he shall save his people from their sins.

Luke

Seriously, Matthew… What’s the matter with you?

You keep getting so many of the details wrong, it’s almost like you’re telling a different story.

I mean, damn it: You’re trying to tell people that an angel—who you could not even be bothered to name—visited Joseph in his dreams… when everyone knows that it was Gabriel… and that he actually visited Mary, and not Joe the Mute Bastard.

Observe:

And (Gabriel) came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favor with God.

And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.

He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David.

And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.

Luke 1:28—33 KJV

You see?

Matthew

But, wait a minute!

The Savior never actually sat on the throne of King David.

I mean, yes: He does reign in the kingdom of Heaven—we all know that—but you actually have the nerve to claim that Gabriel said that He would have an earthly reign?

That sounds suspiciously like heresy to me…

Luke

How dare you, you second-rate tattle-taler?!

I should stone you off your ass!

The Author

Now, come on, guys!

Let’s keep things on the straight and verbal here!

I mean, really: Words are what your people want to hear, not fisticuffs.

Matthew

Yeah, you’re right.

And I’m sorry about the whole heresy thing, Luke.

That was pretty insensitive of me.

Luke

It’s okay.

It’s not your fault that you keep getting your facts wrong; I mean, after all: It’s obvious that you just heard some rumors and wrote them down.

The Lord only really ever talked to me—

(We are experiencing some technical difficulties. Please stand by.)

The Author

Are you guys done with your pissing contest yet?

Can we please get back to the fairy tale now?

Sigh.

Well, alright, then.

Do you have anything else to say, Luke?

Luke

You’re damn right I do… but only if Matt agrees to not try and cross the streams with me again.

Matthew

Sigh.

Just say what you’re gonna say, man.

Don’t even mind me.

I’m just going to go get some bread…

Luke

Alright…

So, anyway: As I was saying—

According to Luke

Mary then made the same mistake that John’s father had made before her, and dared to doubt the Lord’s messenger-at-arms.

Most times, that sort of thing would have gotten her Silenced—at the very least—if not also Plagued, Cursed, Burnt, Felled by the Sword, or even Executed by Futuristic Firing Squad.

What?

You don’t think that the Almighty God could’ve actually done that?

What are you, an atheist?

But, anyway: Since Mary was about to be the Lord’s Baby Mama, Gabriel decided to cut her some slack, and merely told her that the Holy Ghost would be stopping by some time later to get freaky with her.

He also mentioned that her supposedly barren cousin Elizabeth was already six months pregnant, for with God nothing shall be impossible.

A couple of days later—i.e. after she had been thoroughly known by the Holy Freak—Mary decided to go and visit Elizabeth… because, hey, why not?

As the cousins were greeting each other, Johnny the Fetus leaped in his mother’s womb, like a wannabe Michael Jordan.

Sigh.

Damn foreshadowing.

And then Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost —yeah, I’ll just bet she was—and she blessed Mary and the fruit of her womb.

Hey, I told you that Ghost was a Freak.

So, anyway: Mary ended up staying at her cousin’s for the next three months, leaving just in time to keep from witnessing the birth of the Baptist.

So, yeah: Elizabeth had the baby. One check.

When they —whoever the hell they were—came to circumcise the child, they tried to name him after his father. Two check.

Elizabeth told them that his name was to be John. Three check.

They asked Zacharias what he thought. Four.

He agreed with Elizabeth—in writing—that John should be the baby’s name. Five check—

And then the damn Silence spell finally wore off and he—

You’ve got to be kidding me!

You religious people are some straight-up masochists!

I mean… For goodness’ sakes! This guy had just been Silenced for nine months straight, and the first thing that he did when he could speak again was praise the Lord?!

Sigh.

I will never understand you people.

And, yes, just in case you were wondering: The Holy Ghost then went and filled this guy, too.

What a freak.

The Immaculate Deception (continued)

After he had quoted the (rather loud) proclamation that a supposed angel had allegedly made in the dreams of a man that he most probably never met, Matthew apparently figured that he needed to back it up with some actual evidence Scripture.

So he brought up the Immanuel prophecy, saying:

Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,

Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a child, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

Matthew 1:22—23 KJV

Sorry, Matt, but trying to attach a prophecy about a future King to a guy who did nothing but preach doesn’t help your case in the least.

Visiting the Nativity

Matthew

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,

Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.

Matthew 2:1—2 KJV

Luke

Umm… actually, Matthew: You are once again wrong about damn near everything, back to front.

Just keep eating your bread, and please allow me to school you on the facts, if I may.

According to Luke

ALTHOUGH JESUS HAD BEEN CONCEIVED IN NAZARETH, the Zombie Prophecies had decreed that the future King of the Jews was supposed to come from Bethlehem.

So Luke concocted a stupid story that anyone not pre-programmed for religious belief would see right through, claiming that Caesar Augustus had commanded that everyone in his empire was to be taxed at that time… and that they were also to go every one into his own city for this purpose.

And so Joseph—as a supposed descendant of King David the Absentee Zombie—was then forced to go back to Bethlehem… in order to be taxed.

Now, really: Why the hell would anyone require his people to move to the places where their remote ancestors used to live, just so that he could levy a tax on them? I mean, people can be taxed right where they live.

But, fine, whatever.

So Joseph and Mary moved to the city of Bethlehem…

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

Luke 2:6—7 KJV

Matthew

Our Savior was born in a house, not in a damn manger.

How dare you reduce Him to the status of mere… livestock?

He is the Good Shepherd, not the damn sheep!

Luke

Hey! He’s interrupting me again!

Make him stop!

The Author

Sigh.

For goodness’ sakes, people! Grow the hell up!

And while we’re on the subject of Luke’s version of the Nativity: It just occurred to me that it would have been pretty ironic if Jesus had been forced to dive out of Mary’s Love Tunnel and into a haystack—a la Assassin’s Creed—because a veritable flood of people had moved into the city just before his family arrived… because they’d heard that the Messiah was on his way.

And so Baby Jeez ended up having to sleep in a manger.

Way to roll out the red carpet, people!

According to Luke

Meanwhile, in a nearby field: Some shepherds were out keeping watch over their flock by night—

Hey, wait just a minute!

You’re telling me that these bozos were letting their sheep graze in the middle of freaking winter?

Well, actually: I guess you can blame the Christians for this little inconsistency… since they, of course, would know more about Jesus’ life story than even the Gospel writers did.

So, yeah: He was obviously born in the month of December.

The Winter Solstice had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Sure.

So, yeah, anyway: The half-frozen shepherds were trying to keep their sheep warm, at least, when an angel BASE-jumped down in front of them and gave them the good news, saying:

… (Unto) you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:11—14 KJV

Matthew

Hey, can I say something now?

I, um, didn’t want to interrupt the angels’ caroling…

The Author

Sure, go ahead.

Matthew

Look, it was bad enough when Luke decreed that the Savior was born in a manger, like some kind of an animal—

Luke

Hey!

Matthew

…But this whole thing with the shepherds is a bit much.

The Savior always referred to Himself as the Son of man—

John

Well, actually—

Matthew

Hey, man, wait your turn!

Sigh.

So, anyway: The point that I am trying to make is that the story of His birth should at least resemble the birth of a man, rather than that of some kind of barnyard animal.

So—if you don’t mind—I’d like to get back to the real story of the Nativity now.

The Author

Okay, sure.

Just let me wrap up Luke’s version of the tale, and then you can knock yourself out.

Okay, so—

According to Luke

So, anyway: The shepherds—who apparently knew enough to get a hint when it was dropped into their laps by a chorus of singing angelsstopped by the Manger of the Messiah, and got themselves an eyeful of their Savior.

They did not bring gifts.

Neither were they wise.

But they were willing to run out and tell all and sundry all about how cute Christ the Lord was… which was, no doubt, the reason why the angels had dropped in on them.

They were outsourcing… because angels have a lot to do, and eternity is just too freaking short.

Meanwhile, on the eighth day after his birth, Jesus got half his dick chopped off, like every other Jewish baby boy ever.

That’s right, people.

As a symbol of his covenant with Himself, little Jeez got himself circumcised.

You would’ve thought that God would have taken care of that little detail before he dropped in on Planet Earth.

And as if that were not enough, the Savior Baby was then brought to Jerusalem to be presented before Himself, right after the days of his mother’s purification were accomplished… because, apparently, even giving birth to God is a dirty business.

Then a man named Simeon entered into the temple—after getting boffed by the Holy Freak, apparently—and threw some blessings and prophecies Mary’s way.

And then a prophetess named Anna took up where the Shepherds of the Frost had left off, and passed the news of Jesus’ miraculous birth on to even more people.

Having grown somewhat tired of all of the hubbub—bub—Joseph then took his family back to Nazareth.

No word on whether he actually paid his taxes or not…

Visiting the Nativity (continued)

After hearing about the wise men and their noble quest for a place to kneel in, King Herod commanded all of his priests and scribes to find whatever information they could on this Christ character.

They answered him with a prophecy… just because that’s the way that believers do things.

According to this prophecy:

(Thou) Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, art not the least among the princes of Judah: for out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people Israel.

Matthew 2:6 KJV

After passing the required information on to the Kneelers, Herod ordered them to come back to him as soon as they had concluded their business, and inform him of where the future King of the Jews lived, so that he could go and worship him too.

You might be surprised to learn that Herod completely fooled the supposedly wise men… so much so that the Lord was subsequently forced to contact them later on in a dream, and warn them against returning to the king and giving him the location of his Jesus-Self.

So, anyway, the three wise guys dutifully traveled on to the city of Bethlehem, where the star that they’d been following all the way from the east finally showed up again, just in time to imitate an objective marker and (stand) over where the young child was.

Come on now.

Even an elementary-school education—which I certainly hope that you, the Reader, happen to possess—should be more than enough for anyone to see what is wrong with this picture.

But, then again: With enough faith, it’s totally possible to paper over even the most egregious violations of the laws of physics.

So, okay, fine, some random star finally got off its coffee break, reduced itself to the merest fraction of its true size, and then resisted the urge to turn the gravity back on for long enough to hover over some dude’s house.

And, just think: Fundamentalist Christians actually have the nerve to call the rest of us fools for not believing in that sort of shittim.

So, anyway: Way the hell back in the halcyon days of worldwide idiocy, the three wise men entered the house and fell on their faces before the freshly-changed savior baby.

Then they presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh… none of which are of any use to a baby.

After they’d finally come down from their kneeling fix, the wise men left and took the long way back around to their unidentified countries.

It should be noted that the Bible never bothered to give these wiseacres any names. The names Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar were invented much later on in the Christian timeline… probably around the same time that the wise men were transformed into The Three Kings.

Also, the wise guys’ conduct makes it obvious that they were considered to be wise in the sense of being God-fearing, rather than in the sense of knowing a good goddamn thing about much of anything.

They just feared God a lot.

Author’s Note 2017: And in Spanish, the weird name games get even worse, as these guys are—for whatever strange fairy-tale reason—referred to as "Los Tres Reyes Magos" (The Three Wizard Kings). I kid you not.

Les Enfants, Copycat-Murdered

Matthew

IN WHAT COULD ALMOST BE thought to be a sick joke on Matt’s part, the anonymous angel of the Lord once again made a cameo appearance in Joseph’s dream-stream, and ordered him to take Mary and little baby Jeez and make a run for it.

Well, actually: That’s not the sick part.

The sick part is that—while he was putting this part of the legend of Jesus together—Matthew came up with the brilliant idea of copying-and-pasting that whole infant massacre business from the first chapter of Exodus… which, of course, was already part of the Moses legend.

He was, however, just creative enough to do it in reverse.

Rather than having his protagonist be born in Egypt and then lead his people to the Promised Land, Matthew had Jesus, who was born in Judea—part of the Too-Often-Promised Land—actually flee into Egypt, in order to avoid being executed with all of the other children two years old and under, by order of King Herod.

The really ironic thing about this made-up massacre is that—if it had ever actually taken place—it would have been God’s fault even more than Herod’s.

Here’s why:

1. When he was about to be born, Jesus—as God—sent a star over to the east, in order to make sure that some wise guys found out that he was about to be officially in the house.

2. When the Kneelers had arrived more or less in the general area of his humble domicile, the Lord ordered his star to go and take a break for a while, forcing his erstwhile worshippers to stop and ask for directions, like the un-real men that they were.

3. Once King Herod had found out about the wise men’s inquiries—as God knew that he would—he called his people together—as God knew that he would—and they informed him of the King of the Jews prophecy… which God, of course, had put out a couple of centuries before.

4. The Lord—in his infinite wisdom—had created Herod in such a way that he was credulous enough to take the ramblings of some so-called wise men at face value… and was also brutal enough to be willing to kill a baby that he considered a future threat to his rule.

5. Once he’d made sure that Herod was good and worried about the supposedly inevitable changing of his kingdom’s diapers, God warned the three wiseacres against returning to the king and informing him of the location of The One Who Will Change Diapers.

6. And so Herod—believing that his reign was in clear and present danger of losing its shittim—decided to just go ahead and kill off all potential diaper-changers and let the Lord—who was by then living in Egypt—sort them out. As God knew that he would.

7. I rest my case.

So, anyway: After he had successfully massacred common historical sense, Matthew attempted to buttress his concocted story with two more prophecies… as if that would really help.

The first one—which Matty the Caddy used to explain why his Savior had been forced to pick up his first golf lessons in Egypt—apparently stated that it was so that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my son.

The problem with this prophecy—besides the rather obvious fact that, as far as we know, no one can tell the future—is that Hosea—the Prophet who once married a Whore—was actually talking about the past when he said that the Lord had told him that:

When Israel was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of Egypt.

Hosea 11:1 KJV

But, then again: For all that anybody knows, the Lord might’ve just been speaking from the wrong Celestial Time Zone at the time.

God knows he’s committed much more significant errors.

So, anyway: The second prophecy—supposedly delivered by one Jeremy the prophet—claims that there was much lamentation in Rama, because Rachel was weeping for her children, because they (were) not.

I’m not really sure what all of this has to do with any supposed Messiah… since the original text was all about how the Lord was going to bring the people of Israel back from their Babylonian captivity and then lock them in his cage, way back in the past of the past that had already happened… before.

Hey, if you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe my man Jeremy, as he had this to say way back in the day:

Thus saith the Lord; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, and bitter weeping; Rahel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not.

Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy.

And there is hope in thine end, saith the Lord, and thy children shall come again to their own border.

Jeremiah 31:15—17 KJV

Sigh.

So, anyway: After King Herod had had all of the two-year-olds in the land of Judea assassinated by master ninjas—

What?

Well, then: How do you explain the fact that all of the contemporary historian paparazzi that were eyeballing this guy had nothing at all to say about him having so many kids killed off?

Did the Lord just make them forget?

Hello?

So, anyway: When Herod’s mortal coil finally ran out of wire a couple of years later—and long before I stumped my Readers with the above query—the Gate-Crasher of the Lord photo-bombed Joseph’s dreams again, and ordered him to head back to Judea.

Of course, once he found out that Archelaus, Herod’s son, was king—after having been warned of God in a dream —Joseph decided to stay away from Bethlehem, and continued on to the land of Galilee, eventually settling in the town of Nazareth.

You won’t be surprised to learn that Matthew claims that this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, He shall be called a Nazarene.

Yeah, right, whatever.

Jesus, Interrupted

Luke

NOT ABOUT TO JUST LET himself be outdone by Matthew’s infant massacre story thread, Luke then tries—and fails—to make up some ground with this awesomely weaksauce tale.

So, anyway: When Jesus was twelve—so the story goes—the Messianics traveled to Jerusalem for the annual Passover feast.

After the festivities, Joseph and Mary set out for Nazareth… while somehow failing to notice that the Savior of Teens had stayed behind in the city.

I’m sure you can imagine just how differently things might have turned out if Child Protective Services had been around back then.

But, anyway: They eventually noticed that Jesus wasn’t with them… after only one day, since even Luke seemed to realize that the traditionally-mandated three days might be a bit of a stretch.

So they went back to Jerusalem to look for the little bastard.

Can you guess how long it took them to find him?

If you just said three days, then: Congraturation! A cookie give you!

Sorry about that… bad localization.

And I don’t even know Japanese.

So, anyway: Joe and Mar eventually found little J in the temple talking to some doctors and—

Wait… doctors?

I swear: This is the first time I’ve even seen the word doctor in this book.

Of course, the fact that these guys were talking to a twelve-year old kid in a freaking temple does—to my mind—call their medical credentials into serious question.

But, then again: Back in those days, the best in medical treatment probably consisted of praying to a god and/or kissing your ass goodbye. So these guys might have been in the temple to do the former… if only so they wouldn’t eventually find themselves obligated to do the latter.

So, yeah: The Teen Heartthrob was talking to some quacks—

And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers.

Luke 2:47 KJV

That’s really easy for you to say, when you don’t have to actually provide any of those so-called answers.

When Mary then took her son to task for his truancy, Jesus merely shrugged off her concern, apparently surprised that she did not realize that he must be about (his) Father’s business.

According to the Server of the Weaksauce, his parents—sorry, I meant to say Joseph and his mother—didn’t get what he was trying to say.

In Joseph’s case, it’s at least somewhat understandable… if only because the anonymous angel of the Lord crashed his dream-parties in Matt’s book, rather than in Luke’s.

Mary, however, really had no excuse.

I mean, for goodness’ sakes!

She had some raunchy, jailhouse sex with the Holy Ghost, was blessed off by her cousin Elizabeth, and then had a bunch of strangers ogle her infant son and headbutt the floor like it owed them money.

She must’ve been as thick as five posts to not realize that there was definitely something wrong with this picture.

But, then again: She did have sex with the Holy Ghost.

Maybe it screwed her brains out.

John the Head Dunker

Matthew

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

John 1:1 KJV

THAT’S NICE, JOHN.

But, actually: It’s Matthew’s turn to—

The same was in the beginning with God.

John 1:2 KJV

Hey, look, John: If you keep this up—