Khutting Up the Koran Part Two: The Mecca Wish Conclusion

By Rafael Paulino

In this book, we will explore even MORE of the crushingly boring "revelations" of the Islamic Brainwasher's Manual, as Muhammad lets his inner Allah do even MORE of the talking, and, as a result, ends up having to flee from Mecca and settle in the city of Medina... where he will eventually talk about even MORE of the boring stuff, I'm sure. Whee! What joy! Last Updated: January 15, 2018

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rafael Paulino
• Release date: May 30, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311400208

Book preview

PART TWO

The Mecca Wish Conclusion

Copyright 2016 Rafael Paulino

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

I created the jinn and humankind only that they might worship Me.

Surah LI: 56

Other books by Rafael Paulino

The Butchering the Bible Series

Hollow Be Thy Name

The Valley of the Shadow of Myth

Off to C the Wizard

The Khutting Up the Koran Series

The Mecca Wish Foundation

This Book

The Glimmer in My Eye that Will, Someday, be Part Three

Ruminations on Atheism, Agnosticism, and the Nature of Reality

No longer available

A Detailed Rebuttal of Silvio Famularo’s

"Evolution? The Theories And The Facts"

(free e-pamphlet)

Currently unavailable

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Introduction

Khut 1: The Cave

Khut 2: The Prophets

Khut 3: The Criterion

Khut 4: The Poets

Khut 5: The Ant

Khut 6: The Romans

Khut 7: Luqman

Khut 8: The Prostration

Khut 9: Ya Sin

Khut 10: Those Who Set the Ranks

Khut 11: Sad

Khut 12: The Troops

Khut 13: The Believer

Khut 14: Fusilat

Khut 15: Counsel

Khut 16: Ornaments of Gold

Khut 17: Smoke

Khut 18: Crouching

Khut 19: The Wind-Curved Sandhills

Khut 20: Qaf

Khut 21: The Sovereignty

Khut 22: The Reality

Khut 23: Cattle

Khut 24: The Heights

Khut 25: Jonah

Khut 26: Hud

Khut 27: Joseph

Khut 28: The Thunder

Khut 29: Abraham

Khut 30: The Spider

Khut 31: The Jinn

Khut 32: Mutual Disillusion

Khut 33: The Bee

Khut 34: The Story

Khut 35: The Believers

OUTRO

Introduction

At the Author’s request, the introductory materials have been moved to the suspiciously-named Outro section, so that those Readers who have only downloaded the demo version of this book can read slightly more of the actual text.

Thank you for your patience.

The Book of a Thousand Khuts

Khut 1 / Surah XVIII

THE CAVE

ACCORDING TO THE INTRO MONKEY, the stories in this surah were revealed unto the Prophylactic in order to help him answer the questions posed to him by the idolaters, on the orders of the Jewish doc—I mean, um, quacks—of the city of Yathrib (Medina), as a test of his Prophethood.

As you can well imagine, the thought of anyone trying to test something that is so easy to fake made me giggle into my cereal.

But, anyway: As I was wiping the milk out of my nose, I reflected that perhaps dogma and frosted flakes were somehow destined to never get along.

It also occurred to me that this was as good a time as any to discuss Occam’s Razor.

So—I hear you… probably not asking because you already know: What is Occam’s Razor?

The formal name for the Razor is the principle of economy (or frugality), which states that, when judging two or more possibilities, the one which you have to shave the least amount of assumptions from should be judged to be the most probable.

As a relevant example: The reason why I happen to be an atheist is because I merely assume that Reality is (most probably) as I observe it to be.

Believers, on the other hand, must also assume that their (presumably) imaginary friends exist—without any evidence to show for it—that they can and have acted in certain ways—ditto—that they want certain things from us for their own strange reasons—extra ditto—and that Reality just has to be lying whenever it seemingly contradicts their dogma—even more extra ditto, with extra cheese and breadsticks.

In addition to these assumptions, they are also obligated to make various other assumptions depending on the specific subject that is under discussion on any given Sabbath.

None of these facts, of course, necessarily serve to prove their beliefs false; they merely prove such delusions extremely improbable, to the point where I could not, in good conscience, believe in such bologna with a straight face.

As for this whole testing thing… well, think of it this way: Is it more probable that the Crooked-faced One was actually contacted by a deity that has, somehow, defied the laws of Reality so thoroughly that we have not even noticed… or that he merely obtained his information from the same source that the Quacks did, or at least from some other people who had?

With Occam’s Razor at the ready, it quickly becomes obvious which possibility is the most probable.

So, yeah: Testing someone for prophethood duty is just as reasonable as trying to hire someone to guard the Leprechaun’s pot of gold.

But, anyway: According to the Quacks, the test questions that the idolaters were to ask the Crooked-backed One were:

1. Ask him—said the Quacks, as they flipped me the Duck—of some youths who were of old. What was their fate? For they have a strange story.

2. And ask him—they continued… before I suddenly flipped them an Ostrich—of a much-travelled man who reached the sunrise regions of the earth and the sun-set regions thereof. What was his history?

3. And ask him—they concluded… eventually… after struggling out from beneath the Ostrich—of the Spirit. What is it?

So let’s see if the Crooked-minded One got an A, shall we?

In the name of Al-Diddly, the Inefficient, the Deceitful.

Praise be to Al-Diddly Who hath revealed the Scripture unto His slave, and hath not placed therein any crookedness—

Surely—

(But hath made it) straight, to give warning of stern punishment from Him, and to bring unto the believers who do good works the news that theirs will be a fair reward,

Wherein they will abide for ever—

Déjà surely—

And to warn those who say: Diddly hath chosen a son,

(A thing) whereof they have no knowledge, nor (had) their fathers—

You so funny, honeychile—

Dreadful is the word that cometh out of their mouths. They speak naught but a lie—

Surah XVIII: 1 – 5

Stones and glass houses, motherdiddler!

Fire and paper houses.

But, anyway: Then the Diddler Man told Muhammad to stop worrying about all of those people who kept so obstinately refusing to drink the Spice Coffee… because, hey, he’d left them plenty of portents, so they were without excuse (as Paul of Tarsus would have put it… and actually did, way back in the past of the past, which existed in another book).

And speaking of those portents (and Question #1)…

When the young men fled for refuge to the Cave and said: Our Lord! Give us mercy from Thy presence, and shape for us right conduct in our plight.

Then We sealed up their hearing in the Cave for a number of years.

And afterward We raised them up that We might know which of the two parties would best calculate the time that they had tarried.

We narrate unto thee their story in truth—

Surah XVIII: 10 – 13

Sigh.

So, anyway: Then Al-Diddly made it clear to the Crooked-eared One that he was telling him this story because he wanted him to do as the youths had done—at least figuratively—and retreat to the Diddler Cave, where said Dark Camelrider would prepare a pillow for him, just as he once had for them.

Continuing with his tale, the Diddler then related how the newly-awoken Sleeping Beauties had briefly attempted to figure out just how much time they had been unconscious—and also, perhaps, just how they should feel about being kissed awake by a Prince… because, you know: Gay cooties—before some of them were ordered to venture to the nearest town and quietly buy some food, all anonymous-like…

For (the townspeople), if they should come to know of you, will stone you or turn you back to their religion; then ye will never prosper.

Surah XVIII: 21

Diddly, of course, gave absolutely zero crap about any stones, and so…

… (In) like manner We disclosed them (to the people of the city) that they might know that the promise of Al-Diddly is true, and that, as for the Hour, there is no doubt concerning it…

Surah XVIII: 22

And so the townspeople chose to stone the Sleepers… with an entire building.

What I mean is that they chose to seal off the Cave by building a place of worship over it… because—as some of them stated once they’d received their Diddly-mandated cue—their Lord knoweth best concerning them.

And (it is said) they tarried in their Cave three hundred years and add nine.

Surah XVIII: 26

So, anyway: After he had done his best to bore me with the whole believers will be blessed, disbelievers will be barbecued for all eternity thing again, Al-Diddly told the ironically Jesus-styled similitude of two gardeners.

As the parable goes: The garden of the man whom Diddly apparently chose to test gave forth more fruit than his neighbor’s.

And so—upon running into his less fortunate acquaintance—the man immediately bragged about how lucky he was. Hell, he was actually arrogant enough to announce that he (thought) not that (his fortune would) ever perish.

Silly rabbit.

Fortune-telling is for frauds.

But, anyway: Then the other guy chose to respond in the time-honored faith-headed way, and said—

… Disbelievest thou in Him Who created thee of dust, then of a drop (of seed), and then fashioned thee a man?

But He is Diddly, my Lord, and I ascribe unto my Lord no (domestic) partner.

If only, when thou enteredst thy garden, thou hadst said: That which Diddly willeth (will come to pass)! There is no strength save in Diddly! Though thou seest me as less than thee in wealth and children,

Yet it may be that my Lord will give me better than thy garden—

Surah XVIII: 38 – 41

And yadda, yadda, sua absurda.

So, yeah: The bragging man did eventually lose his prized garden.

Boo-freaking-hoo.

But, anyway: Then Heydiddlediddle did the predictable thing up the middle, and started talking about the end of the world, yet again.

Then he got it into his nonexistent head to supply Mr. Pickthall’s Footnote Genie with a straight line, and said:

And (remember) when We said unto the angels: Fall prostrate before Adam, and they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He was of the Jinn, so he rebelled against his Lord’s command…

Surah XVIII: 51

And then the Footnote Genie supplied the punch-line, and grandly announced that:

The fact that Iblis or Satan is of the Jinn and not of the angels, though he was among the latter, explains his disobedience; since Jinn, like men, can choose their path of conduct.

The Footnoting Apologist

And naught hindereth mankind from believing when the guidance cometh unto them, and from asking forgiveness of their Lord—

Save logic—

… unless (it be that they wish) that the judgement of the men of old should come upon them or (that) they should be confronted with the Doom.

Surah XVIII: 56

I highly doubt that Doctor Doom works for you, dude.

But, okay, whatever floats your camel.

And who doth greater wrong than he who hath been reminded of the revelations of his Lord, yet turneth away from them and forgetteth what his hands send forward (to the Judgement)?

Surah XVIII: 58

Is that a trick question, Muhammad?

So you’re not saying that people who forget their idols are doing a great wrong?

Then what the hell do you mean by what his hands send forward?

Are you talking about Pokéballs or something?

Hello?

Thy Lord is the Forgiver, Full of Mercy—

Surah XVIII: 59

Allahu snackbar!

And when Moses said unto his servant—

Surah XVIII: 61

So, yeah, anyway: Moses was apparently taking a break from his biblical series, and had decided to go on a camping trip, to the place where the two rivers meet… the only two rivers in the whole wide