Khutting Up the Koran Part Three: Funky Cold Medina

By Rafael Paulino

This is the most fun third book ever written about the most boring "holy" book ever written! Totally not worth the price of admission! DO NOT buy this book! Buy my other series instead! Bonus Introduction with book! Isn't this EXCITING! I LOVE exclamation marks!!! What's that? You prefer question marks??? What are you, some kind of pansy? Last Updated: January 15, 2018

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rafael Paulino
• Release date: Sep 3, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370133406

Book preview

Khutting Up the Koran

PART THREE

Funky Cold Medina

Copyright 2017 Rafael Paulino

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

I created the jinn and humankind only that they might worship Me.

Surah LI: 56

Other books by Rafael Paulino

The Butchering the Bible Series

Hollow Be Thy Name

The Valley of the Shadow of Myth

Off to C the Wizard

The Khutting Up the Koran Series

The Mecca Wish Foundation

The Mecca Wish Conclusion

This Book Right Here

Ruminations on Atheism, Agnosticism, and the Nature of Reality

No longer available

A Detailed Rebuttal of Silvio Famularo’s

"Evolution? The Theories And The Facts"

(free e-pamphlet)

Currently unavailable

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

Introduction

Khut 1: The Pilgrimage

Khut 2: The Clear Proof

Khut 3: The Cow

Khut 4: Muhammad

Khut 5: Spoils of War

Khut 6: The Family of ‘Imran

Khut 7: The Congregation

Khut 8: The Hypocrites

Khut 9: The Desert Ninjas

Khut 10: Light

Khut 11: Victory

Khut 12: Exile

Khut 13: She that Disputeth

Khut 14: The Clans

Khut 15: The Ranks

Khut 16: Divorce

Khut 17: She That Is To Be Examined

Khut 18: Iron

Khut 19: Repentance

Khut 20: The Private Apartments

Khut 21: The Table Spread

Khut 22: Succour

OUTRO

Introduction

At the Author’s request, the introductory materials have been moved to the suspiciously-named Outro section, so that those Readers who have only downloaded the demo version of this book can read slightly more of the actual text.

Thank you for your patience.

Khut 1 / Surah XXII

THE PILGRIMAGE

O mankind! Fear your Lord—

The End.

Okay, everybody! Looks like we’re done he—

…Lo! The earthquake of the Hour (of Doom) is a tremendous thing.

Surah XXII: 1

SIGH.

DAMN IT.

On the day when ye behold it, every nursing mother will forget her nursling and every pregnant one will be delivered of her burden—

Because, hey: We wouldn’t want all of the fetuses and embryos to miss out on all the fun.

…and thou (Muhammad) wilt see mankind as drunken, but the Doom of Hung Lo will be strong (upon them).

Surah XXII: 2

Hold on a minute!

So the Doom of Hung Lo is a brand of Arabic vodka?

Well, that certainly explains a lot.

Among mankind is he who disputeth concerning the Long Wang without knowledge, and followeth each froward devil—

Knowledge: A familiarity, awareness or understanding of someone or something, such as facts, information, descriptions, or skills, which is acquired through experience or education by perceiving, discovering, or learning.

Just thought that you might actually want to, um, know what that word means…

…For him it is decreed that whoso taketh him for friend, he verily will mislead him and will guide him to the punishment of the Flame.

Surah XXII: 3—4

Why oh why did I ever think that khutting up the Koran was a good idea?

My wit is so dull right now that it’s all I can do to keep stringing words together.

And to give you an idea of just how badly off I am over here: The best joke that I could think of just now involved cooking an extra-large pizza in the Fire.

Sigh.

I really miss pizza.

But, anyway: Then the Alcoholic One with Anchovies once again stressed the fact that he was responsible for creating every single thing, to the point that he even managed to impress certain highly impressionable people from the Future, by claiming that he is the one who makes it rain in the club, so that the earth "doth thrill and swell and put forth every lovely kind (of growth)" (my emphasis).

Or every lovely pair.—

Said the Footnote Genie from the Future—

…Prof. Ghamrawi who helped me in the revision of the text kept exclaiming on the subtlety and wealth of meaning of every expression used in the Koran concerning natural phenomena—

Well, actually: That’s not subtlety, dude.

It’s lack of clarity.

…Thus the word pair occurs often in the sense of species—

Which word describes a naturalistic concept that you probably never understood, and which Muhammad and his Drinking Buddy would most probably have flatly rejected—

…commemorating the fact that every growth of the earth exists as male and female.

The Footnote Genie

Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…

That is because Vodka, He is the Truth—

I’ll drink to that!

…Lo! He quickeneth the dead—

Surah XXII: 6

So he, um… giveth the dead handjobs?

What?

And because the Hour will come, there is no doubt thereof—

So the Hour’s getting one too?

…and because Hung Lo will raise those who are in the graves—

Surah XXII: 7

See? Told ya.

So, yeah: The Drunken Sky Genie just kept circle-jerking it, returning once again to his continuous threats of damnation, and to how he was no oppressor of His slaves—which statement sort of seems to miss the point, really—and to how magnificently he would eventually reward his obedient fleshlights, and so on.

Then he said something which was so stupid that I immediately realized that I should’ve thought of a better word to describe it.

Sigh.

Stump me once.

Whoso is wont to think (through envy) that the Drunken Ballsack will not give him (Muhammad) victory in the world and the Hereafter (and is enraged at the thought of his victory), let him stretch a rope up to the roof (of his dwelling), and let him hang himself. Then let him see whether his strategy dispelleth that whereat he rageth!

Surah XXII: 15

Okay, first of all: That’s not really how hanging works, dude.

You’re supposed to toss the rope, not snake-charm it.

And, secondly: I highly doubt that there’s anyone who is dumb enough to think that hanging themselves is a viable battle tactic.

An exit strategy, sure, but that’s about it.

Thus We reveal it as plain revelations, and verily Vodka guideth whom He will—

Surah XXII: 16

…And that is why every jail has a drunk-tank.

Hast thou not seen that unto the Long Wang payeth adoration whosoever is drunk in the heavens and whosoever is drunk in the earth, and the sun, and the moon, and the stars, and the hills, and the trees, and the beasts, and many of the drunken of mankind, while there are many unto whom the doom is justly due. He whom Vodka scorneth, there is none to give him drunkenness. Lo! Hung Lo doeth whom He will.

Surah XXII: 18

We know.

But, anyway: After circle-drinking back for a minute to the disparate fates of the believers and the, well… sober ones, the Celestial Bartender directed his Shot Glass to tell everyone about that time that he’d prepared the place of the (holy) House for Abraham… which feat he then subsequently failed to notify the Jews and Christians of, apparently.

Maybe he was hung over that weekend…

And speaking of The Hangover: This is the part where the Drunken Massa ordered Abe to proclaim the Pilgrimage for which the surah is named, in the which the faithful were to drunkenly stumble into the House from all quarters, and then proceed to eat, drink (some more), and be merry—

…Turning unto Hung Over (only), not ascribing drinking partners unto Him; for whoso ascribeth partners unto the Long Drink Goodnight, it is as if he had fallen from the sky and the birds had snatched him or the wind had blown him to a far-off place.

Surah XXII: 31

See, kids: This is why you should never drink and skydive.

The mind you save may be your own.

…And whoso magnifieth the offerings consecrated to Vodka, it surely is from devotion of the hearts—

…And the liver, and the kidneys, and the calves and thighs—

…Therein are benefits for you for an appointed term; and afterward they are brought for sacrifice unto the ancient House—

The slaughter of animals for food for the poor which is one of the ceremonies of the Muslim pilgrimage is not a propitiatory sacrifice, but is in commemoration of the sacrifice of Abraham which marked the end of human sacrifices for the Semitic race—

So you mean to tell me that Abraham’s attempt to sacrifice Isaac was just part of his routine?

Then why the hell did the Tanakh even bother to make such a big deal about the Drunken Style’s so-called mercy on that occasion, when he was obviously just changing the Hebrews’ standard operating cocktails?

Sigh.

It would be nice if all of you Abrahamic folks could get your stories straight every now and again.

You know: Just for the novelty.

…and which made it clear that the only sacrifice that God requires of man is the Surrender of his will and purpose—i.e. Al-Islam.

The Footnote Genie

Hold on a minute!

You mean to tell me that you Muslim types actually accept that man has a purpose that he can surrender? One that exists apart from your god’s ruleset?

Or was that just some more drunken ad-libbing on your part, Mr. Pickthall?

…And for every nation have We appointed a ritual, that they may mention the name of Hung Lo Over The Railing over the beast of cattle that He hath given them for food—

Surah XXII: 32—34

In order that they may realize the awfulness of taking life, and the solemn nature of the trust which Vodka has imposed on them in the permission to eat animal food.

The Footnote Genie

What kind of trust are you talking about, Genie man?

Was the Drunken Massa worried that The Hebrews Who Would Be Muslims might not remember which end it was that the long, hard, throbbing slabs of meat were supposed to go into?

Yeah, I’ll bet that was it.

That would be a pretty solemn amount of trust to place in anyone.

It’s perfectly understandable.

But, anyway: Then Mr. 99-Bottles-of-Vodka-on-His-Balls twitched my Innuendo Finger for a minute by mentioning camels again, for the first time this book.

Apparently, he just wanted to let the Muslims know that he was solemnly entrusting them with the camels’ meat, too.

That’s so wonderful.

Sanction is given unto those who fight because they have been wronged; and Vodka is indeed Able to give them victory;

Those who have been driven from their homes unjustly only because they said: Our Lord is Hung—For had it not been for the Long Wang’s repelling some men by means of others, cloisters and churches and oratories and mosques, wherein the bottles of Vodka are often drunk, would assuredly have been pulled down. Verily Vodka helpeth one who drinketh Him. Lo! Vodka is Strong, Almighty—

Surah XXII: 39—40

…And starting to become a bit hypocritical.

Well, okay, admittedly: Only a little bit more so.

I mean: It used to be that the Muslims were the most well-mannered drunks that you could hope for.

They just got smashed five times a day—like clockwork—and never bothered anyone.