Funny But Risqué

By Christopher Bruce

The humour found in Funny But Risqué Too is for adult readers without firebrand religious, political or racial views who appreciate off colour or slightly smutty humour. The jokes range from pure fiction to borderline fact and no nationality, group, gender or profession is excluded when an opportunity to poke fun at its members is presented. If you don't have a sense of humour you should not read his book.
The jokes, etc., are gathered loosely under subject headings so that it is easy to select a joke for a particular occasion. All the books in the series are designed for easy reading in cramped spaces on trains, planes and buses; not to mention that most private of places where you may find the time to enjoy a good joke. All the jokes, tales and anecdotes found in Funny But Risqué Too have been carefully selected for their funniness and not for materiel of a slightly salacious or gratuitous nature that may appear in some of them.
I hope that you have as much fun reading this book as I have had compiling it. When you have finished it pass it on to someone who may need cheering up or keep it and add other books in the series to form a unique collection.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christopher Bruce
• Release date: Apr 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301865420

Christopher Bruce

Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.

Book preview

FUNNY BUT RISQUÉ

By

C. J. Bruce

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

C. J. Bruce on Smashwords

Funny But Risqué Copyright © 2012 by C. J. Bruce

WARNING

FUNNY BUT RISQUÉ IS FOR ADULT READERS WITHOUT FIREBRAND RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, RACIAL OR SOCIAL VIEWS BUT WHO DO APPRECIATE SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR BAWDY OR SMUTTY HUMOR.

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

So, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward cartoons and jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.

You forward cartoons and jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.

You forward cartoons and jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded cartoon or joke.

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoons or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...

Have a great day.

Author Unknown.

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

CHAPTER 1 SPORT

4 Balls!

Living in Liverpool

France and the World Cup

On Par

The Lucky Frog

The Main Event

Sports Commentators Slip-ups

Confession of a Golfer

Weather or Whether?

Handicapped

Corporate Recreation

Bedeviled

Scots Baseball Fan

Bending the Rules

Cutting One Loose

Gama Su

Swimming Ahead

The Hooker

The Duck Hunter

World’s Toughest Golf Foursome to Play Behind

Mike and Magic

Hole Confusion

Yankees Fan

Wide Stance

CHAPTER 2 SEX

A Present Unwrapped

Cat-nipped

After the Honey

Chinese Torture

Airplane

Four Worms

Gravy Ladle

Socrates and the Triple Filter Test

Unrequited Love

Sticking to the Truth

What Gender are they?

The Doctors Ethics

Q & A

Murphy’s Sex Laws

Englishmen are Gentlemen

Mommy's Balloons

Sex Laws Around the World

Sophie’s Wedding

You Are Probably Kinky If:

Slogans for National Condom Week

Quotable Quotes

Dennis Rodman and the Genie

Dead Right

Divining the Family Jewels

A Dog Named Sex

Viagra Date

Sex Aid

CHAPTER 3 JUST GERIATRICS

Epitaph

Old Shaker

Mildred Get Your Gun

Dual Impossibility

Expired Appendage

A Feel at Any Price

Pooh Proof

The Knob

Three in One

Grandma’s Hairspray

The Old Man and the Beaver

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

Dried Arrangement

Chocolate

Shoulda Bought a Hat

Lifesavers

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

Sucking Lifesavers

Hold On To Your Hat

An Occasional Piece

Princely Frog

Subject: $20

Short Term Memory Loss

Granny's Condoms

One Last Fling

Whatcha Lookin’ At?

As the Bells Struck

Skinny Dipping

Autosexual

A Painful Case of Auto Eroticism

CHAPTER 4 BAR TALES

Agincourt

The Gambler

The Parrots

One Drunk to Another

Ducked Up

Gorilla’s Mate

So the Plot Thickens

The Genie

No Genius

Friendly Parrot

Big Bug

Shitting Bear

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

Short Day

The Beer Prayer

Superman

Cuckoo's Broke

6 Inches

Grandpa’s Beer

Michael Jackson

Thanksgiving

Bellringer

Modern Art

The Zoo

The ATR

Three Ducks

Who is Jack Schitt?

Reflections of a Shoe Freak

Last Laugh on the Parrot

Happy Corpses

Losing His Boots

Outback Island

A Hop and a Jump

Mistaken Identity

Mop Balls

Ski Dreams

Eye Catching

New Liquor Bottle Labels

Lost Possessions

Payment

The Princess and the Frog

Parachuting

Poetry Contest

Robbie Burns

CHAPTER 5 RIOTOUS RELIGION

The Pastor's Donkey

Dark in here...

De-ribbing Adam

Dopey and the Pope

Hypnotic Offerings

Holy Differences

A Recounting of the History of Mankind

Mother’s Superior Brandy

Run for the Soap

Sex on the Sabbath

Dividing Eden’s Spoils

Never to Sin Again

Dam I Missed

Holy Smoke

Nunsense

Father, Son and Moses

Confessional Confidentiality

Rabbi and the IRS

The Poor Man’s Brother-in-Law

Cock Watchers

CHAPTER 6 THE NINETEENTH HOLE

Tiger Woods

Missed Putt

Feeling Better

Golfing Misinterpretations

Golf Genie

Mother Nature’s Revenge

The Golf Lesson

Bedroom Golf

Get a Grip

Betting On It

CHAPTER 7 LITTLE JOHNNY AND FRIENDS

Dead Fish

Dirty Johnny

Lessons in Sex and Politics

Quick Thinking

Little Timmy

Exciting Find

Teacher Wise

Outsmarted Ass

Ain’t That the Truth

Crushing Rebuke

Stuttering Cat

Little Johnny on Grammar

Little Johnny on Math

CHAPTER 8 HEAVEN AND HELL

Hell and Heaven

George Bush Goes to Hell

Another Man’s Poison

Ladder to Success

CHAPTER 9 CHRISTMAS TALES

Little Johnny Celebrates Christmas

Seducing Santa

Letter from Santa

Santa is Quitting

Santa Claus and the Christmas Tree

CHAPTER 10 HIGH-TECH HILARITY

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!

Getting the Message

Programmer and the Frog

CHAPTER 11 DIPLOMACY

Condoms

Condom Country

One Upping Osama

Press Release

Well Well

Saudi Space Invaders

Surgery Choices

Why Does It Have To Be This Way?

CHAPTER 12 GAY TALES

Confession

Gay Couple in Heaven

What's its Name?

Garden of Hedon

Sizing up the Situation

Careful What You Wish For

A Wish Too Soon

Hot Soup

Gay Hell

Time to Blow

F…ing Fire

Baby Gay

AIDS Joke

Deceiving Appearances

Gay Shots

Vaseline

Gay Blessing

OTHER BOOKS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FOREWORD

This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing readers with a modicum of amusement during those sometimes not so quiet moments in the toilet, wc, loo, lav, lavatory, gents, ladies or Thunderbox as it was sometimes called in the good old days.

The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many of the jokes have been around for decades and tend to reappear in one or another revamped form on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time.

Most of the illustrations found in Funny but Risqué are by cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen. I have tried to contact the owners of the remainder and of other material used in this book and have in some, but not all, cases obtained permission from the person concerned to use them. If you are someone from whom permission to use material has not been acknowledged please accept my apologies and contact me at [e-mail] in order that the necessary permission may be formalized. See Copyright Issues on last page.

To those of you purchasing this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop, and wish you many hours of amusement in that most private of places.

Chris Bruce, Bangkok, 2006.

Back to Contents

CHAPTER 1

SPORT

4 Balls!

One day a man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to travel to America with the man on his flight home. When they arrived in America the man said, I’d like to show you an American pastime. What’s baseball? asked the woman. Baseball is a major American sport. Replied the man and promised to take her to see a game the next day. At the game the first player stepped up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next player played the ball and got to first base and the third player came up to the plate and after several balls walked to the first base. The man asked Are you understanding this game? The woman replied, Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball at the third man, and he just stands there, then the thrower hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there and then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing. Then the man says Well that is because he has four balls The woman says Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.

Living in Liverpool

Gerrard Houlier was looking to sign some new players to help Liverpool's title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal. On getting back to England, Gerrard takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting lineup for the big home game against Manchester United. The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Liverpool romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news. Mum. he says, I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great! Well, says his mum, I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers. Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. Sorry? She yells down the phone, You're f...ing sorry? It's YOUR f...ing fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

France and the World Cup

• What's the difference between a Wonderbra and France? A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

• What's the difference between France and Grimsby Fishermen? Grimsby fisherman score quite regularly and know where the back of the net is.

• What's the difference between a mini and Barthez's goal? You can only fit 2 comfortably in the back of a mini.

• What's the difference between a freshman and the French? After two weeks a freshman has managed to score at least once.

• What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan? The next flight from Tokyo to Charles de Gaulle.

• What's the difference between France's and China's world cup campaign? Three days.

• What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign and

Garlic? Garlic has influence and tends to linger around longer then French football.

• What's the difference between French Football and the Euro? The whole of Europe is united in its view on French Football.

On Par

One day this guy, who's been stranded all alone on a desert island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf. She approached the stunned guy and asked, How long has it been since you've had a cigarette? Ten years! he replied. She unzipped a water proof pocket and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He took one, lit it, took a long drag and said, Oh, that's good! Then the woman asked, How long has it been since you've had a drink? Trembling, the man said, Ten long years! The woman unzipped the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man took a long swig and said, Man, that's sweet! The woman then started to slowly unzip the front of her wet suit, and looking at him seductively asked, And how long has it been since you've played around? The man, with tears in his eyes, replied, Oh sweet Mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Use a 9 Iron The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Use a 9 iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a