The Comic Dictionary

By L A Morgan

Here are a few examples:

Alien: a little, green man who needs to acquire a little, green card
Anchor: a weighty object that holds down a ship or ambitious news team
Catharsis: the uplifting realization you were wrong
Crazy: your alleged condition when your own thoughts make more sense to you than what everybody else is saying
Detective: a Peeping Tom, Dick, or Dirty Harry
Figure: a number or body shape that is judged by its volume
Geometry: a boring complexity of proofs that teach us how to misspell “pie”
Haste: something you want to make when your jet to the Super Bowl is about to take off, you witness a crime, or when the building is about to explode
Homosexuality: thinking outside the box
Opera: tragedy sung in a foreign language, leading to boredom, death, and then the fat lady sings

And there are 990 more! Here’s you perfect Christmas or Hanukah present!

• Language: English
• Publisher: L A Morgan
• Release date: Aug 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466057807

L A Morgan

I am a lifelong writer of short stories, poems, novels, music and lyrics, and screenplays of an eclectic nature. Writing is my love and my passion. I've worked as the Director of Public Relations and Marketing for a professional symphony orchestra, editor of a leisure magazine, and I've been a successful fundraiser.

Book preview

LORD OF THE NON-EXISTENT T-SPOON

By

L A Morgan

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Contact: [e-mail]

To Mark, my partner in comedy.

Give him a couple beers and he’s a laugh a minute.

FADE IN:

The Day the Earth Stood Still theme song plays while credits roll.

INT. NEON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

An average computer geek’s complete mess of bedroom. A high-tech computer, an all-in-one printer, cell phone, and checkbook are on the desk. NEON (gnome looking: long nose, pointy ears) is sitting at his computer, rapidly surfing the web, one whimsical-looking site after another.

NEON

Damn! If there’s a secret portal into another world out there, an alternate reality, it’s got to be here somewhere on the web! If only life could be like it is in the movies.

There is a doggie door in the bottom of his bedroom door. Someone knocks. Neon continues his web search.

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

Todd! This is the last time I’m going to tell you. Your dinner is out!

NEON

In a minute, Mom!

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

That’s what you said last time! You get out here right now, Todd!

NEON

I told you to call me Neon!

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

Todd is a perfectly good name! I don’t see why you want to be known as an inert gas!

NEON

That’s not how I mean it, and anyway, the name Todd blows!

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

It does not!

NEON

Yeah, right. Why didn’t you have them tattoo geek on my forehead when I was born?

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

You are not a geek, Todd! You’re a very intelligent young man. Who else could have earned a Ph.D. before he was twenty?

NEON

Yeah. Another geek.

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

And to think I wasted all of my hard-earned money on your education just so you could lock yourself in your room and play computer games all day long!

NEON

I had a full academic scholarship!

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

If you don’t come out right now, I’m giving your dinner to the dog!

NEON

Go ahead. Your cooking blows anyway. Just go away. I’m waiting for a call from Chad.

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

Todd! Todd!!

NEON

(to himself)

The ineffectual double call of a name. Don’t people know that never works.

Mom’s footsteps recede. Neon sits back and closes his eyes,moving his fingers over the keyboard, pressing random keys.

NEON

There is no dinner. There is no Mom. There is no Todd.

Thinking with his eyes still closed, Neon stops pressing keys and brings up a new site, a plain purple screen. Strange symbols print out a sentence across the middle of the screen. Symbols flash, getting bigger and smaller to catch his attention. The whole picture flashes in and out of reality, then stops on the plain purple screen again. MORPHINE’s God-like voice speaks from the computer:

MORPHINE

Are you there?

NEON

Get lost, Mom. I’m thinking.

MORPHINE

I am not Mom.

Startled, Neon opens his eyes, sees the purple screen, then looks around.

NEON

Chad, did you leave your walkie talkie in my room again?

MORPHINE

I am not Chad.

NEON

Stop screwing around with me, Chad! I know it’s you!

MORPHINE

You typed in the secret code. I see you cannot read Valdorian, so I scanned your hard drive and am now giving you the courtesy of speaking in your native tongue.

Neon stares at the monitor in awe.

MORPHINE

Respond, please.

NEON

Who . . . what are you?

MORPHINE

I am Morphine, guardian of the Valdorian network.

NEON

Holy crap!

MORPHINE

Profanity is unacceptable. How did you acquire the code for our domain?

NEON

I just kind of found it doodling around.

MORPHINE

Ambiguity. This conversation will be terminated in five seconds.

NEON

No, wait a minute! I got your IP address off this guy I met.

MORPHINE

How did he come to tell you about us?

NEON

Uh . . . he and I were just talking about the net and stuff, and he told me.

MORPHINE

What did he say?

NEON

Well, he said . . . that there was this site that . . . that was exactly what I was looking for.

MORPHINE

And what is that?

NEON

I told him I wanted something different, something better than the same old crap, I mean stuff, I was finding on the web.

NEON’S MOM (O.S.)

Todd, I’m pushing your dinner in through the doggie door.

A plate with utensils and unappetizing-looking food is pushed through the doggie door. Mom’s footsteps recede. Neon stares at the plate in confusion. His DOG rushes in through the doggie door and gobbles down the food on the plate.

MORPHINE

Is someone else there?

The dog starts to gag, then pukes the dinner back onto the plate. Neon gags, then recalls that Morphine is waiting.

NEON

No! It’s just my dog.

MORPHINE

Your dog can speak?

The dog belches disgustingly, then staggers back through the doggie door.

NEON

No. No! That was my Mom, but she was outside the door. She’s gone now. What were you saying?

MORPHINE

Did your contact give you one of the spoons?

NEON

Spoons?

MORPHINE

Yes, spoons! Do you now have the spoon in your hand?

Neon looks at his plate, runs to it, picks up the spoon, flicking dog puke on the floor, then sits at his computer.

NEON

Yeah! I have it.

MORPHINE

So, does it feel solid to you?

NEON

Uh . . . Yeah.

MORPHINE

In that case, you have obviously forgotten your contact’s instructions.

NEON

Come on, man. I’m kind of excited here. Just tell me what I’m supposed to do and I’ll do it.

MORPHINE

This