The King of the Hapless

By Josephus Bocklatar

Imagine yourself as an underachieving adult with unfulfilled dreams of being a professional clown. Now imagine yourself as a closeted clown that tightropes in your bedroom closet with the lights off. You are now married with kids. Your friends and family have finally pushed you to the edge of certifiable insanity. Your mother has been arrested for stealing free cheese from the W.I.C. office. Your father's (John) motto is never let them see you sober. Your oldest brother (Steve) is a perverted embezzling fake white supremacist. Your two younger twin brothers (Lonnie & Vonnie) are too lazy to open their mouths to talk properly so they mumble. Your oldest son (Braxton) plays with feces. Your youngest son (Steward) behaves as if he is the Black Unabomber. Your best friend (Opi) has an amazing tolerance for drugs. Your wife's 6'6' grandmother (Hatti Patti) thinks that she is a black vampire. Last, but not least, your wife--(Treva)—your wife breaks all Ten Commandments every day. This is the story of Jax Heumont. Jax hails from the Southlands of the United States of America. His life is filled with so much comedic chaos that he doesn't know what serenity would feel like because he never experiences it. His ongoing battle against his arch nemesis, his wife Treva, and his inability to control his stranger than fiction family and friends is the main focus of this book. “The King of the Hapless” will enlighten you on the ins and outs of Pure Unadulterated Southern Love and Revenge. This is a book that will help you feel better about your short comings. Experiencing these inspirational stories about people who are hapless in their journey to achieve their dreams will give you the satisfaction of knowing that the world is full of people just like you. If you are not illiterate you will absolutely love "The King of the Hapless".

• Language: English
• Publisher: Josephus Bocklatar
• Release date: May 7, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458060839

Josephus Bocklatar

When I was taking my first grade picture the photographer instructed me to say 'hamburger' instead of 'cheese'. That confused me. “Usually you say cheese when taking a picture,” I thought to myself, “not hamburger.” In my confused state the photographer took my picture. That was the beginning of the end. My life has been going downhill ever since. The emotion of confusion that I was experiencing at that single point in time in 1983 was forever captured for all to see. Collectors of photo-art marvel at my 1st grade picture. They believe it to be the personification of confusion in a human being. They are correct. Thirty years have passed since that day. It's 2013 and I still live in the southern part of the USA. I’m currently planning an escape. Don’t tell anyone. Please. I’m thirty-six years old now. I never thought that I would live pass the age of eight. Why? Because I was counting in dog years and that threw me off a little. Ironically, little has changed since that fateful day in 1983. I remain a confused individual. However, I'm happy to say that I'm not the only one. Misery loves company. If you are reading my words on this page right now----you are in league with 98% of the world's population that refuses to relinquish hold of the pipe dream that one day you will have the perfect job where you can be your own boss, live comfortably, have a nice body and not have to worry about debt. It may happen. However, if it doesn’t, remember these two things. 1) If you fail at achieving your goal you need to befriend a person who has failed to achieve their goal. This proactive step will keep you from feeling like a total loser. Better yet, find someone who is a really good underachiever to help cheer you up.(Not serious..please don't do that.) 2) Have low standards and set easily attainable goals that you can easily surpass thereby becoming an overachiever. For example)....If you plan to run on a treadmill at the gym, set a goal to run for five (5) seconds. If you run for eight (8) seconds you have overachieved.(Joking..please set high standards for yourself. Who runs only eight seconds before stopping?..other than cheetahs and babies and criminals just before being arrested.) Welcome to my world. The World of Josephus Bocklatar. I suggest that you get to know me personally today. I may be rich and unapproachable tomorrow. Join me on my journey of self-amusement today and start to feel better about yourself immediately. Thank you, Josephus Bocklatar

Book preview

The King of the Hapless

By Josephus Bocklatar

TABLE OF CONTENTS

WORDS FROM THE AUTHOR

THE KING OF THE HAPLESS

Chapter 1. MINDSET

Chapter 2. THE HEUMONTS

Chapter 3. JOHN’S HOUSE

Chapter 4. BRAXTON’S ITCH

Chapter 5. REVEREND JACKSON

Chapter 6. FAMILY FEUD

Chapter 7. Dr. ROCK CURES ALL

Chapter 8. THE ARREST OF THE DOO-DOO MAN

Chapter 9. BIG TREVA AND BIG OPI FIGHT

Chapter 10. CRACK COCAIN FIGHT

Chapter 11. ISIS

Chapter 12. MAN AGAINST BEAST

Chapter 13. THE PETER-PAN-YES-I-CAN HOBO

Chapter 14. BACK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Chapter 15. THE HEUMONST IN JAIL

Chapter 16. TREVA ATTACKS

Chapter 17. BACK ON THE BLOCK

Chapter 18. OPI’S PARTY

Josephus Bocklatar is Mr. Mysterious

Words from the Author

When I was taking my first grade picture the photographer instructed me to say 'hamburger' instead of 'cheese'.

That confused me.

Usually you say cheese when taking a picture, I thought to myself, not hamburger.

In my confused state the photographer took my picture.

That was the beginning of the end. My life has been going down hill ever since. The emotion of confusion that I was experiencing at that single point in time in 1983 was forever captured for all to see. Collectors of photo-art marvel at my picture. They believe it to be the personification of confusion in a human being. They are correct.

Twenty-eight years have passed since that day. I have grown to be an extremely beautiful man that all women (Asian, Black, White, Latino, Indian ect...) have come to adore.

I’m thirty-four years old now. I never thought that I would live pass the age of eight. Why? Because I was counting in dog years and that threw me off a little. Ironically, little has changed since that fateful day in 1983. I remain a confused individual. However, I'm happy to say that I'm not the only one.

Misery loves company. If you are reading my words on this page right now----you are in league with 98% of the world's population that refuses to relinquish hold of the pipe dream that one day you will have the perfect job where you can be your own boss, live comfortably, have a nice body and not have to worry about debt. It may happen. However, until it does you have my book entitled The King of the Hapless. This is a book of Pure Unadulterated Southern Inspiration. My book will help you feel better about your shortcomings. The King of the Hapless contains inspirational stories of people who are trying to achieve their dreams despite mass sabotage from people they do and don't know.

To succeed in the world that we live in today you need to do two things:

1) If you fail at achieving your goal you need to befriend a person who has failed to achieve their goal. This proactive step will keep you from feeling like a total loser. Better yet, find someone who is a really good underachiever to help cheer you up.

2) Have low standards and set easily attainable goals that you can easily surpass thereby becoming an overachiever. For example)....If you plan to run on a treadmill at the gym, set a goal to run for five (5) seconds. If you run for eight (8) seconds you have overachieved.

Welcome to my world. The World of Josephus Bocklatar. I suggest that you get to know me personally today. I may be rich and unapproachable tomorrow. Join me on my journey of self-amusement today and start to feel better about yourself immediately.

Thank you,

Josephus Bocklatar

The King of the Hapless

By Josephus Bocklatar

Copyright 2011 Josephus Bocklatar

Smashwords Edition

Chapter One

Mindset

As the story goes................There were once two men that lived in a retirement home on the top floor of a two story building. Both men had lost both of their legs in World War II. Old man Johnny had a window view. Old man Ted did not.

Johnny would tell Ted about the wonderful things he was blessed to see out of his window everyday. At first, Ted pretended as if he wasn’t interested with the things Johnny was saying. However, he couldn’t pretend for long. He eventually asked Johnny if he would switch beds with him so that he could look out of the window and see all of the glorious action that Johnny was describing.

I think not! Johnny replied. "You are the reason we have no legs right now. I remember that moment like it was yesterday when we were in that tiny fox hole together. I told you specifically to throw a grenade out of the foxhole towards the unsuspecting oncoming enemies. Did you do what I asked you to do? Noooo. You took a grenade out and prepared to throw it with your eyes close. I told you to open your eyes so that you could see which way the enemy was coming but you didn’t pay me any attention. ‘I don‘t need to look. I can feel where the enemy is,’ you told me. Then you took the pin out of the grenade and tossed it as hard as your deformed hands would allow. That grenade landed in the back of our fox hole and blew my legs and your legs to smithereens. And now you have the nerves to ask me to switch beds with you so that you can see all of the glorious new age things that I see. I think not!"

Please Johnny. Let’s switch beds for a day so I can see some of the good things that you have been telling me about for the last twenty years. Ted begged.

Johnny then looked Ted straight in his eyes from across the room and said,

You don’t need to look at any of the good things that I see. You should be able to feel them like you felt those enemies back in WWW II.

Johnny then points at Ted and begins to laugh sinisterly.

Everyday Johnny would tell Ted about all of the wonderful things he would see and then follow his comments with,

Too bad you can’t see what I see you Lame-O.

Those words would resonate within the ears of Ted’s head everyday all day. Ted so much desired to see those things in which Johnny spoke of. He also desired to kill Johnny. He knew that if he killed Johnny he would be the next person in line to receive the bed by the window.

There were only two ways to get that window bed. Both Johnny and Ted were aware of these ways. The first way to get the coveted bed by the window was to trade bed spaces with someone. The second way to get the coveted bed by the window was if someone died and you were next on the waiting list. Since Johnny had already told Ted that he wouldn’t give him the bed, Ted knew that Johnny had to die. Ted made up his mind to kill Johnny but didn’t know how to go about doing it.

Darn it. Ted thought to himself as he tried to figure out a way to kill Johnny over the next two years unsuccessfully.

Then like a stroke of lighting a thought of how to kill Johnny popped in his head. He knew that Johnny was allergic to peanut butter and that it would kill him if it entered his body. With that in mind Ted ordered some peanut butter cookies. He couldn’t, however, figure out a way to get Johnny to ingest them. He offered Johnny some of the cookies but told him that they were butter cookies. When Johnny was handed the cookies by a nurse he smelled the cookies and told Ted,

These are peanut butter cookies you idiot.

So. Ted responded.

I’m allergic to peanut butter you fool. Johnny tells Ted.

When was the last time you had peanut butter? Ted asked.

When I was a kid. And it almost killed me then and I’m positive that is will kill me now. Johnny exclaimed.

A sneaky look then came over Ted’s face as he looked at Johnny and said,

Try it anyway. I’m sure that you’re probably not allergic to it still.

Why wouldn’t I be allergic to it still? Johnny asked.

Because that was decades ago and I read somewhere that allergies like that only last two decades so it should be safe for you to eat it now. Ted said in a hopeful tone as a last desperate resort.

Johnny stared at Ted for a moment and then said,

You are........(pause).......... as dumb as you look. If I didn’t know any better I would think that you were trying to kill me in order to take my window bed. It’s not going to happen buddy. Not in this lifetime or the next. You know what the 10th commandment in the bible is. ‘You shall not covet’. Stop coveting my bed you Lame-O.

After hearing those words Ted’s facial expression was hopelessly filled with malicious contempt. Seeing that Ted was upset Johnny took advantage of the situation and attempted to ignite Ted’s burning shame even further.

It will never happen Ted. You could never have my bed by the window because the powers that be wanted me to look out the window and see all the pretty girls, new cars and other interesting things that you probably are incapable of comprehending. Johnny then let out a bolstering laugh after making that statement.

DIE, DIE, DIE! Ted shouted at Johnny in disgust while swinging his hands as if he were a cat fighter.

Johnny then looked at Ted in a disapproving manner while shaking his head in a condescending way.

YOU------ARE------SO------DEPRAVED. Johnny finally tells Ted before tucking himself into bed and falling asleep.

***

It’s now night time and the room is dark. The moonlight is shining upon Johnny and reflecting off of his bedpost and shining on Ted.

I hate Johnny with everything I have. Ted says to himself while looking at Johnny in a crazy way.

As he looks and listens to Johnny snore he envisions himself being able to jump from his bed to Johnny’s bed, punch him in the mouth and jump back before Johnny realizes who it was. Then all of a sudden Ted starts to think about the day he was in the fox hole with Johnny during WWW II. He begin to see vivid mental pictures of himself throwing the grenade with all of his force to the back of the fox hole and blowing off everybody's legs. Then the idea for the perfect murder popped into his head. His facial expression lit up like the lights at a football stadium. He then turned his attention to the peanut butter cookies beside his bed. He picked one up in the same manner that he picked up that grenade that blew off his legs in WWW II. Again his mind flashes back to him throwing the grenade as hard as he could towards the back of the fox hole. The murder plot he is hatching in his mind is becoming clearer and clearer.

Who says that there is no such thing as a perfect murder? Ted tells himself while smiling like a psycho.

He envisions himself once more in the fox hole. He positioned himself the same way he was positioned in the fox hole during WWW II. He closely looks at Johnny’s wide open snoring mouth. He closes his eyes and visualized that he is back in the fox hole. A split screen appears in his mind. On one side he sees himself in WWW II in a fox hole preparing to throw the grenade at the unseen quickly approaching enemy. On the other side he sees himself laying on his bed in the retirement home preparing to throw the peanut butter cookie into Johnny’s mouth.

There’s nothing to it but to do it. Ted tells himself.

Ted then figures out and memorizes the exact hand and arm motions he used the day he threw the grenade into the back of the fox hole. Ted then matches his exact motions when he throws the peanut butter cookie at Johnny’s mouth. To both his surprise and delight the cookie goes straight into Johnny’s mouth. Johnny wakes up choking. Ted quickly pretends to be asleep. He pretends to snore but keeps one eye open. The nurses came in to assist Johnny but were unable to save him right away. They rushed him to the nearest hospital where the doctors were able to stabilize him. Johnny lived but he is moved to a convalescent home to recover.

Ted was elated.

Finally something goes my way. I will finally get the bed by the window that I deserve. Ted says.

He then goes to sleep overjoyed at the fact that he got what he wanted by any means necessary. While Ted was sleep the nurses came in and moved his bed over by the window and removed Johnny’s from the room. The next morning Ted awoke and quickly sat up and began looking out of the window. A drunken mad look soon overtook his face.

I can’t believe this crap! Ted shouts out in confused anger.

Outside of his window stood an extremely large billboard that pictured two guys wearing white bikini underwear with white sauce all over their body. The caption on the billboard read,

‘GOT SAUCE’.

Ted is now in a daze he is so mad. He is so dazed out that he didn’t even notice his new roommate being rolled in on his bed.

Are you gay? the new guy asked.

Ted looked over at his new roommate slowly as if he was turning to look at a ghost.

Who are you and where did you come from. Ted asked.

I’m your new roommate and I came from the 1st floor. the new guy said.

He then paused and asked Ted again,

"Are you gay?’

No. Ted replied emphatically.

If you are not gay, why are you staring at those dudes in the bikini underwear on that billboard so hard?

I’m not. Ted replied.

Do you want to switch places? the new guy asked.

I think not. I waited too long to get this spot to just give it up in one day. Ted replied quickly.

You must be gay if you don’t want to switch with me. Only an old gay guy would want to look at a billboard like that all day and night. the new guy remarked.

Ted turns to the new guy and asks in a sarcastic tone,

Are you gay?

Yes. the new guy replied And I would love to look at that billboard all day long. If I not able to look at that billboard all day I will be forced to look at you all day long Mr. Sexy.

Ted thought about it for a second and then said,

What do I have to lose? Forget Johnny, forget this new guy, and forget this view.

He then agreed to switch with the new guy. However, before they switched the new guy made Ted sign away his rights to have the bed by the window. Ted agreed. The nurses then came and started the rearranging of beds process. As the nurses were moving Ted away from the window, the new guy rolls his wheelchair over to the window. At this point Ted was thinking to himself that this guy is so gay that he can’t wait for his bed to be moved before he starts staring at those half naked guys. Then all of a sudden the new guy yells out of the window saying,

Bobby, are you there?!

Yes uncle, I’m here. Bobby replied.

You can remove the phony billboard now. My Lame-O retarded roommate fell for it. the new guy yelled.

Ok uncle. I’ll move it right now. Bobby yelled back.

The new guy then rolled away from the window allowing Ted to see what he gave up. Ted watched in amazement. Everything that Johnny had described to him was true. He saw new cars, pretty women and other strange things that he couldn’t comprehend. All of a sudden his bed started to move away from the window. The nurses had begun to push his bed to the side of the room with no view.

Wait! Wait! I’ve changed my mind! I want to stay here by the window! Ted exclaimed.

The nurses that were moving Ted begin to laugh. They pointed to the new guy who was holding up the agreement that Ted had signed earlier giving him permission to permanently move into the space by the window.

Shucks! Ted said aloud while looking out the window knowing that he would never see those things again.

Hours pass and it is now night time. The new guy is telling Ted about all of the wonderful things that he is seeing. Ted is now looking at the new guy with murderous contempt in his eyes.

I am going to have to find a way to perform another perfect murder. Ted says to himself while pulling the sheets over his head to hide in shame.

***

And so the story goes..............The story of the two old men in the retirement home. One man with a window view and one man without a window view. Ted, the old man who didn’t have a window view life sucked. It sucked very badly.

Ted’s life did suck. However, there exists a man from Mississippi named Jax Heumont whose life sucks twice as much as Ted’s. Now that you have the right MINDSET to read this book, let us now discover the inspirational story about Jax Heumont and the Heumont family that will certainly make you feel better about your family and your lot in life.

Chapter Two

The Heumonts

Jax Heumont is now in his living room looking alert with his eyes fixated on Hatti Patti across the room. His wife Treva comes down the stairs and heads for the door. She stops and looks at Jax and says,

I’m going to get my hair done. Don’t forget to lock up grandmamma Hatti Patti before it gets dark.

Jax takes a deep breath as his eyes glance over the 6’6" frame of Hatti Patti who is lying on the couch. She is so tall that her feet are hanging off of the couch. Jax starts to feel very uncomfortable about the situation. As Jax is looking at Hatti Patti’s face she opens one of her eyes, looks at Jax and then shuts it really quickly.

I need to get away from this big tall woman. Jax tell himself.

He starts to push himself up from the chair very slowly with both hands. As he is getting up he is looking at Hatti Patti very cautiously. He then looks at Treva and says,

Baby----why don’t you take your grandmother to her room and lock her up before you leave?

A mean expression comes over Treva’s face as she stares at Jax and says,

NO! I want you to do it. There’s nothing to be scared of. She is just a harmless little old lady.

Did you say little and harmless? Jax asks. The woman is almost seven feet tall and she thinks she is a Black Vampire. Jax says as he looks at Hatti Patti’s 6’6" frame lying on the sofa.

It’s not like she is going to bite you. Treva says while laughing.

Treva turns and starts walking towards the door. As she is leaving the living room Hatti Patti opens both