Oh Hell, Joe!

By Franz Ludick

Joe, a notorious gangster and killer in the late 1920's New York, is finally killed in a shoot-out with the cops. He finally ends up in Hell and meets up with some of his gang buddies, some who were killed in previous gun battles, as well as a few of Hell's inmates whom he befriends.

Having been allocated work in one of the factories producing clothes for Hell's army, Joe decided this was no place for him and he made up his mind to do whatever possible to get back to Earth. He secretly brought his friends together and they formulated various plans that might get them out of Hell and back to Earth.

Gregor, one of the Enforcers of Hell, took a special interest in Joe and his friends and gave them a hard time. Time and again when they embarked on their numerous escape attempts they got caught and punished. During the last attempt they got caught and sentenced to the 'outback' to spend their sentence amongst the stinking sulphur pits, but Joe and his friends overcame their guard (Idi Amin) and managed to get back, only to be brought before the management of Hell and be sentenced harshly.

The executives of Hell were in the final stages of planning for the war against God and they couldn't afford anything going wrong. When Joe and his mates started rocking the boat these executives began to get very jittery and the CEO (Hitler) issued instructions that security had to be tightened up to the limit. No rebellious behaviour would be allowed or tolerated!

When Joe, who didn't know when to give up, organised a general strike in the many huge factories as well as in the army, all hell broke loose! This was serious business and Joe was finally identified as the ringleader of the conspiracy. He escaped down into the never-ending Dimension Spiral that has many doors leading to all sorts of interesting and sometimes terrifying dimensions. He finally arrived in the dimension of 'nothingness', that had no way out, and after nearly losing his mind he was met by one of the senior security agents of God's dimension, who was waiting for him to arrive.

Joe was taken through the magical portal into God's dimension and he marveled at the wonders he saw. Eventually, after being introduced to the top executives and closely questioned he was brought before the archangels who were aware of his efforts to get back to Earth, as well as the mayhem he had caused in Hell. They made Joe an offer he could hardly refuse. After he accepted their proposals they magically transported him back in time to the factory where he was stationed. This caused major confusion in Hell, as the alarms had gone off when the door to Hades had been opened, and it was impossible to explain who had escaped, seeing as no one was missing!

Joe had a hard time convincing his friends that what had happened to him was really true, but in the end, they accept it. Joe decides on a plan of revenge against the few evil crooked cops who had taken bribes and then double-crossed them during the time he was still in the gang on Earth, but even that last plan of his misfires, and Joe, together with his friends had to escape. God's agents and top executives plan Joe's escape and with seconds to spare he and his friends enter the machine that takes them back to Earth, where they have contracted to do work for God. Failure to stick to their contract would result in them being sent back to Hell!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Franz Ludick
• Release date: Dec 8, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223972037

Book preview

FRANZ LUDICK

Disclaimer

Most character names portrayed in this book are purely fictional and in no way relate to any real person, dead or alive. Any similarity of names to any person, dead and deceased, is in no way unintentional. Any similarity of names to any person alive is purely unintentional.

Other books by Franz Ludick

Crankie Williams Goes Ballistic

Crankie Williams Goes Pirate

Crankie Williams Does Penance

Crankie Williams Goes To War

and

The Sentinel Awakens

ISBN 978 0 620 73051 8

CONTENTS

Joe      4

Joe the Knife         5

High Risk        17

Dead Men Do Tell Tales    30

Second Chance     43

Close Call      56

Never Say Die      69

The Meeting       80

The Black Door     91

Knocking on Heaven’s Door    103

Reprogramming     115

Preparations      127

Sweet Revenge     138

The Great Escape     148

Epilogue 155

Bibliography and Characteristics    157

Main Instigators      158

Joe’s Sympathisers      159

Bibliography of Hell’s Characters    160

Structure of Hell’s Officials     161

Structure of God’s Realm     162

About the Author      163

JOE

Joe Marriotti wasn’t such a bad guy. He simply grew up on the wrong side of the street and never bothered to cross over. His older brother Mario took care of him during tough times, which were plenty and frequent, and taught him how to handle a knife and a gun professionally and with meaning. No good pulling your gat and waving it around, Mario would say, all you’ll do is shoot yourself in your damn foot! When you pull the thing, use it with meaning! With the blade he taught Joe everything there was to know and Joe took to it like a natural.

Mario lived according to his own rules and when he pulled his gat he certainly used it with ‘meaning’. He used it with such meaning that, after a vicious and final gang war they extracted twenty-four slugs from his body! They knew he’d done his bit because his gun was empty and they knew he’d taken more than a few of the opposition with him. He was a great guy and they knew his gun would be sorely missed.

Tony Manetti called Joe in and proposed to him that he replace his brother. There was a need for another handy gun now and he couldn’t think of anyone better to bring in to fill Mario’s place than his beloved little brother. Of course, Joe was only too keen to step into his brother’s shoes, and out of them as well if necessary. He shined up his knife, oiled his gat and prepared himself for whatever lay ahead.

Six years Joe took care of things for Tony and the gang, never once standing back from a hot rumble or running from a bloody fight. His knife took as many lives as his gun and he became a legend with a big name and reputation to live up to. He was always keen to get into a bloody rumble using his knife, but when it came to a shoot-out he would say that the knife only had one slug, and that was pretty risky and pointless. He had a big family to take care of and they never had any reason to complain. Unselfishly Joe provided well and plentiful for them and life was always good.

Came the day the fuzz decided they had to bring Tony and some of his boys in, and it came time for Joe to stand up and be counted. The cops planned the operation carefully and when bullets started flying and the boys were piling out the front door, Joe stood his ground and fought a rear-guard action until his gun jammed and he received the final deadly slug through the heart. With his last breath, Joe cursed his luck and the damn gat that jammed at the wrong moment.

Anyway, it was time for Joe the Knife to move on and the boys, remembering his lifelong motto ‘to hell with ‘em all,’ had those words inscribed on his headstone.

JOE THE KNIFE

It all escalated into a full-out gunfight after two hours stand-off with the cops conversing and cajoling over a bullhorn, trying to reason with them and futilely calling for their surrender. They, in turn, shouting back curses and other un-neighbourly things regarding the cops’ mother’s and sister’s virtues! It wasn’t very pleasant and the Lieutenant in charge was only too glad the boys in blue had the watching crowd under control and kept well back, out of harm’s way and particularly out of earshot.

The whole unfortunate incident began when the cops’ top brass decided they’d had enough of the local hoods continuously blasting at each other, with running battles throughout the city streets and endangering innocent citizens’ lives and property. It was decided to bring the gangs in to hold them over for a while in cooling cells, so the prosecutors could decide who was to be charged with what, in the hope that removing a few of the top dogs the whole issue could be defused. It wasn’t supposed to end up in a shooting match and nobody was supposed to die that day.

When Tony Manetti finally decided they’d had enough of the cops’ verbal abuse and seeing as the back ally was blocked and covered by cop sharp-shooters, they would all rush out together the front way and take the cops by surprise. To his way of thinking, most of them should be able to get away, seeing as the cops didn’t like shooting off their pieces in public places. But he was so wrong! The cops also had enough of the verbal abuse hurled at them and when the gang charged out of the double swing doors brandishing guns in the air, they opened fire with a vengeance!

During that first salvo Joe, being right at the front of the charging mob, received three slugs into his body and he went down on one knee. Joe was a tough guy and he rose and started returning fire. He didn’t shoot indiscriminately but took careful aim and gave as much as he received. The only difference was that whereas the fuzz’s ammo was steel jacketed, his were hollow nosed, with crosses carefully cut across the front, making them expandable on impact. Whoever received one of Joe’s slugs went down and stayed down, forever. Joe was one mean son of a bitch with a gun.

By the time Joe finally toppled over and lay sprawling on the pavement exhaling his last breath, his last thoughts were to curse his rotten luck as well as the stupid gun that ran out of ammo at the wrong moment. Then things became fuzzy and gradually his consciousness sank into darkness and oblivion where there was no longer any light or sound.

He found himself rising and looking down at his bullet-riddled body lying on the pavement. After a while he took off and wandered around all over the place, visiting old haunts and people he knew. He had no perception of how long that carried on for until some guy took hold of his arm and led him down a long dimly lit corridor. Before he could understand what was happening he found himself in a waiting room full of other people. He looked around trying to understand who all these people were when he heard his name being called. Joseph Marriotti, also known as Joe the Knife, report to the front desk! Joe went up to the front desk and without preamble, the old guy behind the counter told him brusquely to go down the passage to door number seven and to go in there and wait.

He strolled down the passage and found the door with number seven on it. It had an inscription over the lintel, ‘And Here Ye Shall Rest Nevermore’, so, without hesitation he opened it and walked inside.

Much to his surprise, Joe not only walked into a large room jam-packed with strangers, he straight-away saw two of his old gang buddies who were in the shootout with him, so he strolled over to them to see if they had any idea what was going on.

Hey you guys how come you’re all here as well? I thought I was having a dream! I saw myself lying on the pavement with a hundred slugs in me. Maybe I’m still dreaming and you guys are in my dream, so what you all doin’ in my bloody dream then? He looked at them quizzically but they looked back at him with an equal lack of understanding and surprise.

Pepi Sanchez said, Hey Joe, what the hell you doing here? Tom and I was wondering if we’re in some kind of hospital or court-room or something. He looked behind Joe then back at Tom Cloudwalker nudging him in the side, Hey Tom, look who’s turned up here as well! I’ll be darned if it isn’t our mutual best friend Lieutenant Bumboy!

Tom looked behind Joe and Joe immediately spun around to see his worst enemy, Lieutenant Paul Saunderson walking up behind him.

Well screw my dog! What the hell you doing here visiting our private club Bumboy? You know bloody well you’re not welcome at any of our meetings. Joe looked at the Lieutenant with pure hatred in his eyes, he had a real beef with this guy and he meant to settle the score with him sooner or later.

Aw, shut your slobberin gob Joe, you’re just as much in the dark as we all are. How come we’re all here together then? I certainly didn’t come here by my own choice, I was told to come here by the old guy at the front desk. So where are we? He walked straight past Joe as if he didn’t exist and addressed himself to Pepi. "What do you know about this Pepi? Come on man don’t shit me, how did you get here?"

Well Lieutenant, it’s just as you said, the old guy at the front desk told me and Tom to come to this room. He told us we were to come in here and to wait. I don’t know what for though. Pepi looked at Tom as if needing him to confirm what he’d said.

Yeah, so we came here and found all these strangers, then in walked Joe and now you! Somethin’ fishy’s goin’ on here. Tom looked around apprehensively, not understanding the situation. His right hand slid under his windbreaker and he jerked it out in alarm! Hey, where’s my piece! It’s gone! I don’t even go to the crap-house without my piece so where is it? He suddenly looked totally panicked!

Joe, Pepi and Paul Bumboy simultaneously did the same, in fact so did a few other guys who’d been listening to their dialogue. Suddenly pandemonium broke out in the room! At least half the people present found they weren’t in possession of their weapons anymore. The others in the room didn’t normally carry guns and couldn’t understand what all the fuss what about. It was all so damn crazy!

At that moment a door at the other end of the room opened and a smallish slightly built man walked in, accompanied by a giant of obvious Slavic origin. They walked over to the desk and stood next to it facing the mob in the room. The large Slavic guy gave the top of the desk one huge slap with his bare hand and it sounded like a forty-four magnum going off! Suddenly the pandemonium ceased and the room fell magically silent.

The slight man looked over the crowd, without looking at anyone directly and said, "My name is Claus. I am the staff procurement manager in this establishment and my friend here is called Genghis. For your information, he is the Chief Enforcer of Hell. I’m warning you not to mix it up with Genghis or you will regret it. Now shut up and listen, I will not be repeating anything and if you miss anything I said you’ll have to deal with Genghis, understand?" He again looked over the room as if daring anyone to say anything or make any comment.

You’ve no doubt been wondering what’s been happening to you and where you are, so I’ll tell you. You are all very much dead and you are all in Hell! He stopped talking and expectantly waited for the normal response he received from the thousands of similar previous announcements he’d made. Sure enough, there were the usual outcries of disbelief and groans of despair. He patiently waited for this initial response to die down, then, as he was going to continue there was a commotion at the back of the room.

Joe barged his way through the crowd until he stood facing Claus, then he said boldly, "We’re not here to listen to that sort of bullshit Mister Claus, why don’t you just cut the crap and tell us where we really are and why. Anyway, if this was Hell where the hell is all the fire and brimstone then?" He glanced around to see if he got any response from the gathering behind him, but instead of hearing giggles and chuckles as he expecting, all he heard was a loud buzzing inside his head and his eyes suddenly wouldn’t focus properly! He tried shaking his head but it hurt like hell and he put his hand out to steady himself. That was when he found he was lying flat on his back on the floor! He managed to partly focus one eye and saw the huge man Genghis standing over him.

Carefully and slowly Joe managed to raise himself on one knee, then onto his feet. Screw my dog, he said softly, it feels like I’ve been slugged by a bloody telegraph pole.

"Like I said, you will regret messing with Genghis. If you mess with me you mess with him so shut up and stop being childish. Now then, all of you listen and listen good to what I have to say. The rules you will obey in this establishment are simple and few. You do what you’re told and you don’t make any trouble for your overseers. There will be no cliques or gangs from now on. This is not a very friendly place so you will not make friends amongst each other. If you go missing from your allocated workplace you will be re-located to a lesser and tougher work category. You will be respectful towards any official from Hell. If you fail with any of these rules you will be punished and you will be very sorry for yourself. Do I make myself clear? Without waiting for replies he turned to the open door behind him, Hans!" he called and another guy together with two other guys as huge as Genghis strolled in. Claus ignored the room full of people and without saying another word he walked out, followed by Genghis.

Hans looked over the crowd. He had the knack of making each one of them feel as if he was looking at them individually and personally. As I read your names the first person will move to the left of the room, the next name to the right and so on. He started reading from a list he was holding and the congregated crowd quickly split into two groups. He motioned to one of the guys next to him to go to the left and the other to the right. Then he also casually strolled out of the room.

Joe was in the right-hand group and with him were Pepi Sanchez and Lieutenant Paul Saunderson. Tom Cloudwalker was unfortunately allocated to the left group. Joe caught his eye and by sign language told him they had to keep in touch somehow. Tom nodded his head to show he understood. The two big guys split up and walked over towards them, one to each group.

The one that came over to Joe’s group was a real mean-looking character. He immediately gave the impression that he’d like nothing better than to get into a scrap and beat to a pulp any guy who would like to take him on. I am Gregor, he said in a voice you could have scoured burnt cooking pots with, I am an enforcer of Hell and you will respect me or else. Follow me. He turned and with long strides walked out of the room and down a long corridor, not even bothering to look around to see if they were following or keeping up with him.

Joe lost all track of time as he followed the giant, together with the rest of his group. It could have been minutes or hours, he just couldn’t judge the time at all! They passed many doors but eventually got to what seemed to be the thousandth door and Gregor opened it and motioned them to go through, waiting until the last one had gone in, then he closed it.

You cannot go through this door again unless someone came to fetch you. It will not open for you so don’t even bother trying.

The shock and amazement at what they saw were just too much! With the door closed behind them, they were facing a series of huge factories and office complexes. It was as though the whole scene was floating in a vacuum and there was absolutely no other scenery surrounding it. Joe got the feeling he was walking in space and that the building complexes were free-floating and yet Gregor took off and walked over to one huge factory, covering the distance at seemingly great speed. The group had to practically jog to keep up with him, all except one guy who was even taller than Gregor, although not as bulky.

They got to a doorway and again Gregor opened it and held it open until they’d all entered, then he closed it. He led them down a passage and they entered what looked like a change-room. Gregor told them to find overalls and boots to fit them and to throw their own clothes into a big bin. You won’t need those again in a hurry. was all he said with an evil grin.

While they were sorting through the overalls and boots for sizes, Gregor somehow received a call and as if responding to an unheard instruction he marched off and through the doorway again, closing it behind him. That was the only door to the room so the group just had to stand around and wait until he returned.

While Gregor was away Joe got acquainted with Malley Smith and Cliffie Ratcliffe. Malley towered over everyone else and must have been at least two point two meters tall! Joe jokingly asked him if people called him ‘Lofty’. He laughed and said, Yes, they did.

Cliffie volunteered that he was known as the Professor because he was a university professor before he became a radical. He joined up with a certain religious fanatical group and got involved in urban terrorism. Joe laughed and said he was called Joe the Knife and that he was also a sort of terrorist but he used to terrorize other gangs and the local fuzz.

They all laughed about that and Lofty told them he specialized in kidnapping and extorting money from rich people. He admitted he did kill a few when their people refused to pay the ransom he demanded.

Another guy was listening to their conversation and chipped in saying he was called Freddy ‘Lamebrain’ Kirsh. He said the ‘Lamebrain’ came from the days when he was a rookie stoker on a coal-burning steamer. When the head stoker gave him uphill and cursed him for no good reason he grabbed him and threw him in the fire! He kept on feeding the fire to burn up the body until eventually steam built up to such pressure the boiler exploded and the ship sank! They all had another good laugh and promised to keep in touch whenever they could and to find ways how they could make their lives more comfortable while they were where they were.

IN ANOTHER PART OF the realm of Hell, a meeting was taking place with the CEO, Adolph Hitler at the head of the table, with a few factory management staff and overseers present.

As soon as Gregor walked in and sat down Adolph said, Gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention that we have to speed up manufacturing of our armaments. The time for the army’s attack is drawing near and you are no way ready to fully supply them yet. The problem is that the army has recently swollen by such numbers we seem to be struggling to keep up with them. You are therefore instructed to step up production to the absolute maximum and to maintain that pace at all cost. I will accept no shirking and I don’t want to hear any excuses!

After glaring around the table at his deputy Hildegard Messey and the various department managers, he continued, I can tell you, the Master has informed me he is extremely happy that he is now winning the war for men’s souls on Earth. He has influenced them to such an extent that crimes of all descriptions are by now becoming the norm. If a person is not involved in some form of crime, be it swindling or racketeering, blackmailing or corruption in high offices and governments or just plain theft, such a person would find it difficult to get ahead and prosper. We can therefore expect a greatly increased influx of new workers for your factories and at the same time many more soldiers for the army. I realize that could be a catch twenty-two situation, the more the army swells, the more your factories will have to produce, and woe betide you if you fall behind.

He smiled smugly at them and wrung his hands in a satisfied manner. I can quite honestly say we have worked hard to achieve these results and to see the fruits of our labours is very satisfying indeed. However, it is going to be up to you to step up the pace of production and to maintain that pace. Take no pity on your workers. They’re merely slaves while they’re here and they have to be treated as such. Work them to the bone! Now then, go out there and carry out your orders. If any of your sections prove to run below standard you will have to answer to me, understand?

He glared around at his audience and continued, And gentlemen, as you know, I have no pity, so don’t try me. He abruptly got up from the table and marched stiff-backed out of the room.

GREGOR WALKED BACK into the room at the factory and forcefully slammed the door behind him. He stood for a moment glaring at the assembled group, now all togged up in their overalls and boots and finally said, I will now take you to your various workstations and there you’ll be shown what is expected of you. Just give me one reason to believe that you’re not working to your full capability and you’re going to wish you didn’t die when you did! I’ll have no pity on any of you who shirks his duty or drags his feet.

Joe piped up, Can you tell me why I have no sense of time anymore.

Gregor looked menacingly at him but said, Time and space is different in the realm of Hell from the physical plane. We measure days and general time only for convenience sake, but don’t bother yourself with questions like that, it has nothing to do with you and you have no need to know these things.

Joe, who just didn’t know when to give up asked, Will you show us where we’ll sleep, and how will we know when it’s sleeping time when we can’t tell the time?

Gregor gave him a long stare trying to decide if Joe was testing him or what, then he said shortly, There are no days and nights in Hell, it is day all day long so you have to work with no rest or sleep.

Joe immediately objected and said, I like to have a big dinner and then sleep after a hard day’s work. How are we supposed to keep going without food and rest? In fact, as it is I feel pretty hungry and tired right now.

Gregor was fast losing his patience with Joe, but he replied, If you can manage to go to sleep you’re welcome to it. While you’re here you will never sleep again. Now shut the hell up before I lose my self-control with your whining.

But Joe just didn’t accept that. He was gaining confidence and he replied, I still don’t buy this crap. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like this when a guy is dead and I think we’ve all been kidnapped and put into some forced labour camp somewhere.

Gregor, torn between wanting to smash Joe’s face in or laugh at what he’d just said asked him, "Have you