Seeking Balance: Maintaining Hope

By Howard Nevin

“Seeking Balance - Maintaining Hope” takes a unique view of planning and care giving to and for the mentally ill. Using numerous “guidance” items from Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”, these are “mapped” into a practical framework of planning and conducting a proactive, flexible, responsive and love-filled care giving program to one or more mentally-ill loved ones. Self-support techniques for the caregiver are also addressed. The book is for the primary caregiver(s) and support group(s), and provides a range of proven suggestions and techniques for coping with situations as they arise, progress in recovery (reinforcement), relapse, and other situations. This was written from an “informed” layman’s perspective having faced this situation with family and friends for over four decades. At book’s end, it also reflects on investigations in technology to support the treatment of the mentally ill.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Howard Nevin
• Release date: Mar 12, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301380930

Howard Nevin

Howard is a native of Washington D.C. and now lives in Maryland. He has written three other books, and over 120 articles for major trade publications, including a a long running column in Government Computer News.Howard is married with three grown children and seven grandchildren.

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What People Are Saying About

Seeking Balance - Maintaining Hope

The Art of Care Giving: Applying Sun Tzu’s The Art of War Concepts

To Coping With A Loved One’s Mental Illness and Care Giving

By Howard Nevin

Thought provoking and well-grounded. Howard innovatively captures the heart of issues for planning and providing critical care giving to a mentally ill loved one ... and coping with the situation. Noosha Daha, PhD, LMFT

As a nurse who sometimes deals with the mentally ill in the course of my normal duties, I thought Mr. Nevin’s book brought insight and fresh thinking as to how to plan and manage care-giving for a mentally ill loved one. I think this is a must read for people with mental illness in their families and having to support a family member through those difficulties, if only to get a different perspective and some fresh ideas. Nancy Riordan, RN

"Seeking Balance-Maintaining Hope by Howard Nevin is an insightful view into a dark area shunned by many. Knowledge is power. How we use that knowledge, even more powerful. The core principles in his book apply regardless of the depth of mental illness in self or loved ones." Paula Steelman, Program Manager

Howard’s suggestions provide the care giver, whether a professional or a family member, with a fresh view for concepts, tools and collaborative processes that can improve both the health and quality of life for a person’s one’s loved one suffering from some or several forms of mental illness. Barent Fake, Attorney

"Seeking Balance-Maintaining Hope by Howard Nevin is an extraordinarily personal and provocative work that immediately captures your interest and attention. Most importantly, he suggests how you can self-actualize and believe in yourself when confronting almost insurmountable challenges in care giving to the mentally ill. It should be mandatory reading for anyone of us who is confronted with the challenges of this situation. I cannot recommend it more!" John Dunwoody, President, Consulting Company

Seeking Balance, Maintaining Hope

The Art of Care Giving: Applying Sun Tzu’s The Art of War Concepts

To Coping With A Loved One’s Mental Illness and Care Giving

Copyright 2013, Howard L. Nevin, All Rights Reserved.

Smashwords Edition

Cover Art Design Copyright 2013, Howard L. Nevin, All Rights Reserved.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

First, to our Loved One --

I hope our efforts have been enough, and all issues are ours to address.

To Lisa -- without whom each tomorrow would have been overwhelming for us all.

To my parents, may they rest in peace -- we went through a lot together and apart.

To TR -- who found the path back from the abyss.

To Harold Sr. -- whom we remember only with love.

To Lee W. and Steve G. with NAMI HC MD -- who inadvertently lit my fuse.

To those of you who read the various drafts and provided invaluable feedback

and continuously positive reinforcement for this effort:

thank you, and bless you all.

Your encouragement became my strength.

* * * *

Thoughts to Consider As You Read This:

There is no limit to the good you can do

if you have courage, conviction, and a caring heart.

Every day is a gift, every good thing a blessing,

and everything else is part of a never-ending education.

I thought I learned by doing things right.

Well, then I thought I learned by doing things wrong.

THEN I realized I learned to do things right by fixing the things I did wrong.

It is in all of us to learn, adapt, and achieve the results we seek.

* * * *

Table of Contents

The Stimulus for This Book

Putting This in Context

Regarding Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and Some Baseline Concepts

Art of War Chapter 1 - Laying Plans

Art of War Chapter 2 - Waging War

Art of War Chapter 3 - Attack by Stratagems (The Plan of Attack)

Art of War Chapter 4 - Positioning

Art of War Chapter 5 - Energy

Art of War Chapter 6 - Illusion and Reality

Art of War Chapter 7 - Maneuvering

Art of War Chapter 8 - Variation of Tactics

Art of War Chapter 9 - Moving The Force

Art of War Chapter 10 - Situational Positioning

Art of War Chapter 11 - The Nine Situations

Art of War Chapter 12 - The Attack by Fire

Art of War Chapter 13 - The Use of Spies

Dealing With Anger

Synopsizing: Key Takeaways

Future Hope Via Technological Investigation and Innovation

Summary and Final Comments

Comments on Phobias

References

About the Author

The Stimulus for This Book

I need to indicate that this book is not intended as a book on psychology or pop psychology or psychotherapy, nor offer medical advice.

It is for those who are care givers to the mentally ill, and even practitioners in the mental health field may find value in it. The ideas and suggestions in this book are intended to stimulate your thinking, and hopefully give you some new tools or ideas to apply in your daily activities.

Every condition in each affected person must be treated in a manner specific to that person, and that is under the purview of your medical team.

At no time should you usurp or ignore the medication regimen and specific recommendations/treatment plans of your medical, psychiatric, psychotherapeutic practitioners and support, nor should any recommendations in this book supersede any formal regimens and treatment program for your loved one.

As repeated throughout this book, your practitioners should be an integral part of your planning and support/care giving process.

Howard Nevin

* * * *

Driven by our care giving role to a mentally ill family member, my daughter-in-law Lee and I enrolled in the twelve week Family-to-Family class run by the National Alliance on Mental Illness ((NAMI - http://www.nami.org), an organization which I support and endorse. I have often put my past behind me, but in dealing with the current situation, my role as care giver to a mentally ill person, or participation in a support group to and for the care giver goes back nearly five decades. Now I needed a refresh, and I commend NAMI for this course and its overall efforts at the national, state and local levels. I also endorse the course. It has been invaluable.

The Family-to-Family course spends the first six weeks educating attendees regarding mental illnesses, and in the last six weeks the course addresses many other items, including handling and coping strategies. We discussed how people deal with various situations with their ill and beleaguered loved ones. While a class, it also has subtle undertones of being essentially group therapy (via attendee discussion and support), and certainly, a venue for sharing stories and suggestions. Lisa and I also participate in a separate support group.

At one point, I commented that it struck me that Sun Tzu’s book The Art of War had probably been of the most probative value to me, since we are engaged in battles every day.

At first this seemed to me to be a personal self-revelation: I had not consciously thought of that book in years … the thought just hit me. Some people in the room knew of the book, others did not. One person flatly rejected the concept that our living situation was a war or a battle, while others more or less acknowledged my point of view, especially those who shared combative situation stories about their loved ones.

Then I realized how ingrained key precepts and teachings from The Art of War had become within me: I had a long-time knowledge of and affiliation with The Art of War and had being applying many of those precepts in work and life situations for over 40 years. I told our moderator-facilitator about it later. He said he could see the analogy, and why I might think of its use in the current situation. But it was more than thinking: I was apply it daily.

After the session, someone asked me how a book on waging war or war tactics could help. I answered along these lines:

"Every discussion we have in this class has reflected some kind of encounter -- a battle, even ‘just’ a battle of wills -- between us and our loved ones. We talk of the ’fight’ they wage in their own support if they are able, or fighting with us over trying to help, or fighting because they know of nothing else to do, or fighting to get them the treatment and support they need, or … the list goes on.

"It’s more than a daily challenge -- it can be a daily battle, regardless of how you look at it, and battles are the encounters in a war. We have to plan for them, and plan effectively and then adapt as we have to. It’s all laid out in The Art of War … and for me, it is a good model baseline to apply to this situation"

The battles can accumulate into a war, particularly a war of attrition if you are unprepared and cannot deal with the stress of pressures of the effort. But attrition affects both sides in one way or another.

Yet consider this: victory can be snatched from the jaws of defeat just as defeat can be snatched from the jaws of victory.

Basically, some days you win, some days you lose. Obviously, winning more than losing is preferable, but maintaining a livable balance can be generally acceptable and may actually be your only achievable goal.

Positive progress is the goal both hoped for and worked towards. Regression is fought. Recovery, if possible, is the pot at the end of that rainbow. If no other goal is achievable, stability is and should be a worthwhile goal.

My statement about battles reflected what happened 49 years ago as much as what happened the day before I said it. And to me, and echoed by others, it is exactly that: a war with sometimes daily battles that saps the supporting family and friends of energy, money, and even hope, if there is no path to recovery.

With each relapse that comes without warning when all the positive movement by your loved one is essentially lost, or diminished, you feel your efforts might have been for naught, and you are backtracking. This is an expected feeling you have to get past.

For all the help out there, we are nonetheless on our own lacking a fully formed system to support us. And the system that does exist is encumbered with restrictions, monetary cutbacks, and the challenges of the economy, among other considerations, factors, and limitations. And with no disrespect intended, any system becomes self-serving in some way or another if only to keep itself going.

USA Today had an article on this on January 7, 2013. You can see the article on the state of mental health care in the U.S. at USA Today at the following web location:

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/07/newtown-shooting-mental-health-reform/1781145/. The article provides a score card on Mental Health Grades by State, and uses data actually supplied by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

The article paints a bleak picture. It has gotten worse. The article cites significant cutbacks in funding and services’ across the US.

To us, it means that OUR challenges as care givers increases daily.

I know some readers don’t want to think of their situation in terms of battles and war, and nor do I for that matter; I respect their aversion to and even distaste for that analogy.

Yet others in the same boat agree that it is sometimes a war, with a series of battles fought from time to time, weekly, semi-weekly, daily, or many times a day.

A critical part of this life map is NOT to be sapped of energy and life, but to act wisely, and without haste if avoidable.

* * * *

When I was in high school in Washington, DC, we had cadets -- a form of high school Reserve Officers Training Corps (ROTC). We actually studied military science and tactics, drilled daily, had uniforms, etc. At the end of my junior year, I first became aware of Sun Tzu.

A friend’s father was in the U.S. Army. His tour of duty was at the Pentagon. Stopping by their home late one afternoon, my friend’s father and I got to talking. He also knew that despite my parent’s hopes I might become a lawyer, I had set my sights on a military career, specifically naval aviation. Knowing that, and with my newly announced promotion to corps adjutant, my friend’s father indicated he thought I might have some interest in a book. He loaned me a dogged-eared reprint copy of Lionel Giles’ 1910 translation of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

For me, it was a quick read, and was mostly easy to grasp and understand. It all came together in my second reading a few days later. It made enormous sense to me. I subconsciously adopted some of the philosophies and ideas to dealing with my father -- and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I thought about it much later in life. That story is offered a bit later in this book.

In my career, I also found that I was applying many of the same concepts in business, long before that was the in thing when The Art of War was used as a model for, and applied to, business areas such as marketing and sales as examples. I know I have planned business activities consciously and subconsciously based on elements of his book, especially in competitive (combative) situations. In retrospect, I also dealt with many personal issues using some of what is in that book.

In sum, I found the Sun Tzu’s lessons in general to be broadly applicable in life.

What came across to me was that Sun Tzu was focused on avoiding conflict/war if possible, and if compelled to undertake war, plan effectively, be as swift as possible in your campaign and achieving your success, use the environment as an advantage, care for your