It's Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss

By Edy Nathan

In It’s Grief, Edy Nathan examines the emotional and devastating impact of loss and trauma. The book illuminates how the brain holds the complex circuitry of grief and then provides choices to help deal with it. Nathan explains this phenomenon through her Eleven Phases of grief, describing how they can move into one another based

• Language: English
• Publisher: AS I AM Press
• Release date: Oct 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9780997174311

Edy Nathan

For twenty years Edy Nathan MA, LCSWR had a private practice in New York City. Her work in grief, trauma and sexuality offers insight into the way loss affects the soul and the brain. She now uses her vast experience to reach a wider audience, helping to breathe new meaning into the lives of those stagnated by loss or trauma. She's an author, certified sex therapist, Psychology Today blogger, motivational speaker, and workshop leader. Visit her at edynathan.com.

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The Dance of Self-Discovery

Through Trauma and Loss

It’s

Grief

EDY NATHAN

Copyrighted Material

It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma And Loss

Copyright © 2018 by As I Am Press. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise—without prior written permission from the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

For information about this title or to order other books and/or electronic media, contact the publisher:

As I Am Press, LLC

[e-mail]

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018906047

ISBNs:

978-0-9971743-0-4 Print

978-0-9971743-1-1 eBook

Printed in the United States of America

Cover and Interior design: 1106 Design

Cover art used with permission of © davecutlerstudio.com.

Author photo: Michael Benabib, [e-mail]

Publisher’s Cataloging-In-Publication Data

(Prepared by The Donohue Group, Inc.)

Names: Nathan, Edy (Edy Sue)

Title: It’s grief. The dance of self-discovery through trauma and loss / Edy Nathan.

Other Titles: It is grief. The dance of self-discovery through trauma and loss | Dance of self-discovery through trauma and loss

Description: [Port Washington, New York] : As I Am Press, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: ISBN 9780997174304 (print) | ISBN 9780997174311 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Grief. | Loss (Psychology) | Psychic trauma.

Classification: LCC BF575.G7 N38 2018 (print) | LCC BF575.G7 (ebook) | DDC 155.937--dc23

PRAISE FOR IT'S GRIEF

"This book is a gift and a guiding light for the process of integration and grace after loss. Nathan does a beautiful job of addressing the almost infinite ways we can experience grief, giving us concrete and useful exercises and tools to organize our journey and shape our healing... Nowhere else have I read a more heartfelt discussion of grief or a more valuable and supportive resource than in It’s Grief."

—Jessa Zimmerman, sex therapist & author of Sex Without Stress: A Couple's Guide to Overcoming Disappointment, Avoidance, and Pressure

We’re all puzzles, Nathan reminds readers, and her clear, winningly sympathetic prose seems designed to help sufferers understand themselves...  A sensitive, multipronged approach to comprehending and surviving deep loss.

— Kirkus Reviews

"With an uncomplicated approach, licensed therapist Edy Nathan writes with compassion, knowledge and skill.... Along with her comprehensive understanding and explanation of grief and the grieving process, she provides readers with the ability to discover who they are in their grief.... It's Grief is a brilliant, helpful and supportive book. It is a must read for any person who has suffered with grief, trauma or loss in their life, or knows someone who has."  

—Chicklit Cafe

 "Loss doesn’t always mean death; it can include surviving abuse or coping with health issues (yours or someone else’s). This open, nonjudgmental approach lets individuals define losses and their significance for themselves. The approach is empowering, showing how individuals can tailor their responses to loss by prioritizing the relationships, meditative practices, and pace that suits their needs. [It’s Grief] is useful, elegant, and inviting." 

—Melissa Wuske, Foreword Reviews

In It’s Grief, psychotherapist Edy Nathan offers an invaluable road map for navigating grief... Like a valuable therapist, she expects readers to do the work: intense self-reflection (guided by many lists of probing questions) and regular journaling... Nathan proves that grief’s emotional turmoil can be a growth experience, and that with time and self-care, sufferers can become whole again. Those willing to look deep within will find this a highly worthwhile narrative tool."

— BlueInk Review

"Edy Nathan’s toolbox is never ending. She has studied and integrated so many different methods to help people that her skills are truly amazing! She is a gifted and seasoned therapist who is sensitive, creative and down to earth. I highly recommend her workbook, It’s Grief, as well as any other workshop or presentation that you may be lucky enough to attend!"

—Dr. Susan Lipkins, psychologist and author of Preventing Hazing

I appreciate books that are like companions. You want them nearby and available. They have warmth and usefulness but are not shallow. They are friends rather than lifeless objects or heady abstractions. This book can be a companion like that during inevitable moments of grief.    

—Thomas Moore, PhD and author of Care of the Soul and Ageless Soul

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword

Chapter 1     It’s Grief and My Dance With It

Chapter 2     Shall We Dance?

Chapter 3     Me, Myself, and I: Engage with the Dance of Change

Chapter 4     Listen to Your Grief

Chapter 5     The Dance of Awareness—Heal at Your Own Pace

Chapter 6     Who Are You and How Do You Cope?

Shift Happens: Neuroplasticity Allows Your Brain to Heal and Reorganize

Chapter 7     The Dance of the Support System: Friends and Family

Chapter 8     The Eleven Phases of Grief

1.   Emotional Armor: Numbness, Hysteria, Denial and Protest, Shock

2.   Role Confusion

3.   The Three D’s: Distraction, Depression & Detachment

4.   Fear and Anxiety

5.   Anger, Rage, and Despair

6.   Regret, Guilt, and Shame

7.   Sadness

8.   Forgiveness: Letting Go with Insight, Purpose, and Understanding

9.   Re-Patterning, Calibration, and Integration

10. Resolution

11. Grace

Chapter 9     The Grief Recovery Tool Kit

Chapter 10   Moving Forward

Acknowledgments

Support and Support Groups

Endnotes

Bibliography

Index

INTENTIONS

If the doors of perception were cleansed, man would see everything as it is: infinite.

~ WILLIAM BLAKE.¹

The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.

~ ANAïS NIN²

". . . I listened and heard.

I looked and saw,

Just as the hugeness told me.

But what of the future,

I asked.

And the answer was;

If you turn your gaze

In that direction

You see the uncreated. . . ."

~ TONY CRISP³

FOREWORD

We live in a particular kind of culture that affects how we think and act. It’s a culture shaped by our technological advances and everyday electronic tools. We live in this atmosphere and breathe it in constantly. We become like our machines and think of ourselves mechanically. Even our psychological thinking has become mechanical and physical, as though the psyche or soul that is in the word psycho-logy doesn’t matter anymore.

But sometimes we are forced into an awareness of the psyche, as in grief, when the pain is so severe that we search everywhere for an effective way to understand it and deal with it. As an advocate for the human soul, I see value in grief. It brings us back to consider those things that really matter and to search ourselves for meaning and comfort.

To allow grief to give us back our souls, we have to find room in ourselves and the courage and tenacity to hold it. The capacity to contain a painful emotion, without rushing to a solution or the eradication of the pain, is an important skill in these days of quick fixes and pain relievers. We become deeper persons, more human, more directly acquainted with the emotions. We take life in; we don’t skirt it or avoid it.

If you feel the searing pain of grief, that could be a good sign. You are alive, attached to the people in your life and capable of strong emotion. People who can’t feel we call psychopaths. They have a pathology that seems suited to our times: the inability to feel emotions, especially empathy and sympathy.

Grief demands a response: first, an expression in moaning, tears, crumbling. These can be important gestures, and if you have the strength to give into them you give honor to your grief. Later, your grief may ask for a creative, imaginative concrete response: doing significant work on behalf of who or what you have lost, making art that universalizes your grief so that others can learn from it, finding a life work that flows directly from this life-changing emotion.

Embracing grief can give you back your soul so that you are more human, more connected to your world and motivated to live more fully.

Edy Nathan is a friend and colleague of mine. I admire her intelligence, her open heart and her playful intuition. She is fortunate to be a psychologist with a background in the arts. In this book she writes with passion and an unstoppable imagination about a topic she clearly knows firsthand and as a therapist. Here she offers you a comprehensive guidebook for dealing with grief. I have written here with broad strokes, while she fills in all the fine details. She has had considerable experience and has thought about grief for a long time. I think you can trust what she says, but notice the subtlety in many of her recommendations, as when she tells you not to be rigid about prescribed phases you should expect in your grieving.

Edy does much of your work for you. She explores all aspects of grief and gives you countless concrete suggestions for dealing with it. It astonishes me that she can write with both compassion and practicality. It’s as though she is sitting with you at lunch, sincerely affected by your grief, and ready to help you go into it and then move on with your life.

I appreciate books that are like companions. You want them nearby and available. They have warmth and usefulness but are not shallow. They are friends rather than lifeless objects or heady abstractions. This book can be a companion like that during inevitable moments of grief.

~ Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul and Ageless Soul

CHAPTER 1

IT’S GRIEF AND MY DANCE WITH IT

Great grief does not of itself put an end to itself.

~ LUCIUS ANNAEUS SENECA⁴

During one of my long, early-morning walks, I saw a large Sandhill crane standing at the water’s edge. The bird was big and awe-inspiring and grand. When I was about ten feet from its magnificence, I stopped walking and faced it squarely. Since birds in the wild are often fearful and protect themselves at all costs, I felt it was best to keep some distance between us. It seemed the best way to honor its beauty.

The crane was standing on one leg, something birds at rest often do. I find it hard to believe that they can put all their weight on one leg and still look so graceful. My heart was racing with excitement when I saw the crane, especially because it had allowed me to enter into its space. In my desire to stay in the moment, calm myself, and perhaps communicate to the crane that I had no ill intent, I spoke to it, softly saying, You are so lovely. Thank you for being here with me. As I was speaking, our eyes met and an understanding took hold. We were secure in the scene we were creating. She innately knew that I would not hurt her, and I knew that my presence was okay for her, too.

And then, something unexpected happened—she jumped toward me.

Strangely, she jumped toward me while still on one leg. Now I was really curious, so I inched a bit closer while we continued to hold each other’s gaze. She jumped toward me again, which felt like an invitation, and I took another tentative step toward her. We engaged in this dance until we were about three feet apart. That’s when I saw what I had not seen before.

She only had one leg. The other one was gone. Just gone.

What a beautiful life lesson she was sharing with me! She was there to remind me how resilient we can be as living beings. She was an unlikely survivor in the wild. And yet, with only one leg, she could fly, jump, swim, and feed herself.

The lesson the crane taught me that day has filtered into my own dance with grief, loss, and trauma. It has also assisted me in working with clients and given me a reminder that healing, even in the most challenging situations, is possible. It seems important to understand that when my clients are able to navigate in the wake of their own suffering, the hold grief has on them is released.

I hope you will be inspired to engage with the work and free yourself from the grip grief has on you. Know that you can fly, no matter what your story is or how you have previously lived with your grief or loss. Let the story of the crane be a reminder of what is innately possible.

When you experience trauma and loss, it can feel as if parts of your soul have been severed. When facing loss, aspects of the Self mutate and transform. This happens partially because of personal coping mechanisms and partially because the brain changes when you are faced with trauma. The Sandhill crane’s ability to adapt to her losses allowed her to survive, learn to fly, defend, and nourish herself, even with one leg. Like her, you will learn to compensate, integrate, and flow with trauma and grief.

You can learn to live with the memories of your grief or loss without allowing them to take control of how you live your life. One way you can do this is by creating an internal room specifically designated for these memories and thoughts. You can visit it whenever you like, and leave, at will, as well. This will enable you to work with the emotions brought up by the memories. You can do it in your own time and in your own way.

Since loss presents the gift of self-discovery, this book encourages you to explore the Self as part of the healing process. You will learn how to live with the losses in your life, dance with them, and fly in your own way, even if you, metaphorically, only have one leg.

This book is for you if you have experienced grief from the loss of a loved one, loss as a survivor of physical and verbal abuse, loss of the life you once had because of long-term health issues, loss of a home, or other actual, or perceived, losses throughout your life.

. . . This journey most definitely was my own and would be as unique to me as my own DNA. It had only just begun and I would be surprised at where it would lead me.

~ Scarlett Lewis, Nurturing Healing Love, mother of Jesse Lewis, a victim of the Sandy Hook shootings.⁵

Although this book focuses on trauma and losses that get in the way of your inner peace, it is not for me to designate or define what a big loss is for you or how it is interpreted within your soul. In general, there are big losses as well as little ones. I call the big losses Big G’s and the small losses Little G’s. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the experience of verbal, physical, or sexual trauma are examples of Big G’s. The regrets in life, the smaller disappointments, and the what if and wished for scenarios are examples of life’s Little G’s. Examples of a Little G might be the job you didn’t take or the trip you put off again and again.

How you identify Big G’s and Little G’s is up to you. However, it is important to realize that when a number of little losses are left unattended, this can have a cumulative effect, and the feelings and behaviors typically associated with Big G losses can occur in the face of what seems like a small loss or trauma.

If what I describe as a Little G feels like a Big G to you, then go with that feeling. Honor yourself. So, when I discuss these concepts, please know that if something feels like a Big G loss to you, then it is! What feels momentous to one person may not feel the same way for another person. No one can tell you what to grieve, the impact it should or shouldn’t have, or if it has merit. If it pains you and stops you from living the life you want, then you are in the grip of grief, and you get to decide for yourself if it is big or little.

If you are reading this book, you’re probably experiencing pain that is alienating, scary, and profound. It may be a recent grief or loss, or it may be something that has been troubling you for some time. Alternatively, you may be reading this book in order to help someone you care about who is struggling with grief, or you may be a therapist who wants to have a better understanding of your clients and how grief affects their soul in myriad ways. No matter if your grief or loss is big or small, if you are in need of help or are helping someone else, my hope is that this book will enable you to better understand grief and the grieving process. I hope you will learn how your grief can allow you to gain self-awareness in the face of loss.

Powerful and engulfing, grief can be aggressive and relentless as it interferes with the inner workings of your soul, your brain, and your body; it strips away your sense of who you were. Grief becomes an instigator of irrational thought, and the experience of losing touch with a core part of your Self can create tremendous anxiety. Having to deal with grief is an experience that nobody consciously chooses, and our natural instinct is to pull away from the discomfort. However, it’s better to confront your grief than to repel and disengage from it. Besides, the effort to disconnect from grief takes a lot of energy. When you move with the flow of grief, seeking to understand its power, purpose, and process can make your journey to the other side a bit easier.

I’ve written this book to help you sort out what is happening in the heart of your grief. If you can take only one piece of information or lesson found here and use it to help you, then the book will have provided exactly what you need. The self-discovery exercises you’ll find in these pages offer coping strategies that can be integrated into your life. I suggest breathing as a useful tool throughout the book. Your breath is something you can count on, it belongs to you and no one has power over it. Even if it seems that you know about breathing, it is often easy to forget just how reliable it is!

Remember to take care of yourself while moving through them. In exercises that have multiple steps, you may be able to engage or follow the first part of an exercise and not be able to do the rest. That’s OK! Your inability to focus or to continue may be your brain saying, I can’t do this one right now. You may be surprised to know that when you’re ready, you will be able to engage in the self-discovery exercises that are right for you. If an exercise doesn’t work for you the first time, or you are unable to complete it (for any reason), please give it another try at a later date.

You can use this book to help you understand how grief impacts your emotions, how your psyche holds on to it, and how to live with it in a healing way. You’ll learn to reconnect with who you were prior to the loss, who you are now, and who you are becoming.

When you’re in the throes of grief, it may be difficult to imagine a time when grief doesn’t permeate all that you feel and do. Although grief can seem like a permanent shroud, the potential for joy and inner peace does exist within you. Though they are presently unattainable, the ability to tap into them and attain these feelings is possible, as they live within you. It is my deepest wish that you can be comfortable in the dance of discovery. The gift of finding your inner Self as you face the daily presence of grief is the benefit of attending to your wounded heart.

I’m not unacquainted with grief. At a very young age, it seemed to me grief was everywhere. There was nothing morbid about it. It was as natural as breathing. Unrest and trauma were imprinted in my young mind as I saw homeless dogs and cats scavenging for food, witnessed loud, aggressive arguments between adults, and watched television news reports about violence and death that were close to home. As a child, it seemed natural for me to grasp the concepts of cruelty, injustice, and loss.

I started my personal dance with grief at the tender age of four, when I realized my inner soul was quite different from that of my family. When turmoil coexists with love, the power of the trauma can often trump any desire to create a loving environment. I learned early on that in order to receive the love I needed, I had to act in ways that quieted the internal forces within me so my family unit could accept me.

Once, my family hired a photographer to take formal photos of the kids. When, in preparation for the photos, I didn’t allow my mom to comb my unkempt hair, she had it cut the next day. I had loved my hair. I just didn’t like having it combed, but in that crucial moment, her desire to have me look a certain way outweighed my sense of individuality. One of my mother’s best qualities was her perfectionism and the desire to have beauty around her, but that desire was sometimes extreme. I never forgot the lesson I learned that day: Be the good girl or have your hair cut off.

It was important for me to have a voice, yet at what price? Kids hunger to be loved by their parents and will acquiesce in order to be worthy of that love. The quest to fit in can lead to negating and ignoring conflict or sadness while honoring the desire to find the innocence and delight in the world. It was sometimes hard for me to turn away from the pain and silence the negative. I had an innate ability to feel the pain of others, especially of those who were close to me. Although I couldn’t articulate what was going on within my soul or within the soul of my family or social environment, I perceived a lack of safety. Many survivors of trauma and loss have complicated relationships with safety, trust, and truth.

When safety is compromised, the young mind compensates with precocious and curious behaviors. I learned a hard lesson that the kind of love we need is often not the kind of love those around us are capable of giving. As the inner workings of my soul were buried, along with the hope of getting that love or feeling safe and protected, the process of mourning began.

I hungered with a desire to escape from what was already a budding, fearful state of being. This led to sleepless nights, anxiety, nightmares, and roaming in the late hours of the night. My restlessness permeated my daily life. The family lore included tales of little Edy walking out of the house in the middle of the night and breaking into (though no one locked their doors) the neighbor’s house, and ultimately being found asleep on the couch in their home.

Thankfully, the roaming stopped. My sensitivity to, and awareness of, how prickly things could be within my home never subsided. It was easy to see how I wore my sensitivity on my sleeve, which led to incessant bullying, and ultimately, sexual trauma perpetrated by classmates. I had nowhere to go, no one to trust. Another type of grief emerged, and although no one had died, except perhaps my soul, the internalized trauma turned into self-hatred, self-consciousness, and ultimately, obesity, which was an attempt to nourish the emptiness inside. I could count on grief. It never disappointed me. It was always there leading the way. Keeping people at bay. My relationship with grief continued for many years. I realized I had to change the power of its grip, and no one had the ability, or the knowledge, to do